controlling

[jamiejen]

hello everybody, i am new on this site but here goes anyway. my problem is control. i control my boyfriend and kids to the point that it drives me crazier then them! i listen to his voice mail, i critize things that he does so i don't feel as threatened. i avoid so much activity with his family. i hate being this way, yet when ever an opportunity comes up to "change and "grow" i sit and watch it go by, then kick myself later. i have been thinking alot lately that he is probably better off without me. he is outgoing, i am a home body, he likes to drink and sing karaoke, i'd rather stay home and read or watch t.v. ya know, just relax. his family is always doing something, i don't feel comfortable around them, always self conscious, or just would rather be at home. i think of how different he was when we met and how much i have changed him by my "ways". i am reading this book called "awakening in time" by jacquelyn small, it is very helpful, but still i can't seem to apply anything i learn or read to my outside existence. to my inside existence, i can tell when i'm controlling, manipulating, guilt tripping, etc. but still i do it. this is most frustrating........to watch yourself do what you know you don't want to do, but some unforeseen sight seems to control me.........help...........anyone else have this problem????????jamie

[Randy]

Most adults have control problems because they were emotionally and/or physically abused as children and had absolutely no control over the situation. The child makes a daily pledge that when he or she is old enough and able, everything in life will be controlled.

 

Adults who come from highly dysfunctional families are also extremely afraid to get too close to someone for fear of the same type of abandonment they experienced as a child.

 

In your case, it's my guess that this guy is most likely very similar to your dad, who you were not able to control as a child. Was your father an alcoholic. You say your guy likes to drink.

 

You may not feel comfortable around his family because their dynamics are unfamiliar to you. You are in strange territory. My guess is that you are a very deep thinker and feel very much alone, even around a lot of people. You have probably had this deep sense of aloneness most of your life. It's not necessarilly that you feel uncomfortable around them as much as you just don't feel that you belong or fit in. You probably feel this way in other group situations as well.

 

I am also going to venture that you do not feel very connected to or understood by your boyfriend. Ironically, while you want this connectedness, you are probably terrified of it because it is unfamiliar territory. There are lots of things you would like to discuss with him but don't want to take the risk that he would either not understand or just not care. You probably have a great sense that most people would not understand the real you.

 

At any rate, the two of you seem very different. If you want to stay with him, both of you have a lot of work to do to understand each other and work with each other to heal your lives. My bet is that the two of you have little in common and you are light years ahead of him in maturity and depth of character. I also pick up that you have a deep sense of loneliness, even when you are with him.

 

Please don't despair. Your post indicates you have great insight and you perhaps didn't want to disclose a lot of details. Keep up your reading but chose some other tities, particularly those that deal with co-dependence. Pay close attention to the chapters dealing with anger and control issues.

 

Whether you are willing to admit it, my bet is you also have a lot of repressed anger from your past that must be worked out. Since you were proabably not able to display your anger as a child, more than likely you want to control everything around you as an adult to protect yourself from those angry feelings surfacing. You are only mildly successful and that is frustrating for you, plus you really don't want to be that way and don't know why you are.

 

You seem to be happier at home with a good book, or simply thinking deep thoughts. Your boyfriend is quite opposite.

 

My suggestion is read more, get involved in workshops on self-improvement topics that interest you, perhaps join a group therapy situation, and do whatever is necessary to help yourself grow spiritually and emotionally.

 

I sense that you have the potential for being great because you have come to realize there are components of your deep self that you want to understand better, and you will. I also sense that your boyfriend doesn't have a clue about his problems and more than likely thinks everything is your fault.

 

To recapitulate, you feel you are controlling, manipulating, etc. because it is your way of keeping your life in control, an opportunity you were not afforded as a child. You relate to your children the same way your parents related to you. Not too good to do. If you don't make some major changes, your children will inherit your mindset and your present plight.

 

With some outside help, your own insight, and time you will be relieved of this burden and become a far greater spiritual being with zero in common with the guy you are seeing now.

 

I know you didn't look for such a complicated answer and I really didn't intend to post one here but I just got carried away. My apologies.

 

You are going to be just fine but there are major life adjustments you will have to make, including working on yourself and changing the people you attract to yourself (which will change as you evolve into the new person you want to be.)

 

While it's certainly not my place to tell you what to do with regard to your children, I pray you will be kind and gentle with them, give them space to grow their own individual ways, give them the freedom to express themselves, and always let them know how much you love them.

 

These are all my own thoughts. I hope you get lots of varied and insightful opinions.

[jamiejen]

randy, thank you so much for your post, you are very insightful. i did come from a emotionally absent family. being the youngest of seven kids and getting the brunt of every ones problem, being the escape goat and lacking parental nuturing, i felt so deprived growing up. i also did not have a father in my life at all. i never knew my dad and never will as i don't know who he is and the man my mom says is my dad is not my dad. my b/f is somewhat of an alcoholic, he has quit drinking through the week and now only drink when we go out. we actually do have alot in common but the things that we don't have in common seem to stick out more. he has adapted to my "home body" personality, however i feel i am cheating him out of his life. if i ask him if he wants to split up he say's "no!" i love you! he is impatient and distracted most of the time and when i try to talk to him he don't seem comfortable with it at all, like he don't know what to say. last night a miracle happened tho, in july we are suppose to go to minn. to see my family, i havent' seen them since aug. 92 when my mom died, but i do talk to a couple of my sisters and one niece. i am scared to death to go to mpls and see them, and last night he actually

 

"talked" to me about this, of course it was after a few beers that he could losen up enough to do this, but still it was an attempt, it was very uncomfortable tho cause i'm not use to talking to him or anyone like that. i had to fight back tears trying to explain how i felt about my sisters and seeing them, but how can someone really understand when they grew up with two parents and a very close family? in this book "awaken in time" it talks about different stages we go through when transforming. i am in the third matrix birth, i am conscious of my actions and comings and goings yet i still sit and watch them as they go by. "another swoop through the hoop" as it was put to me. the "observer" on my shoulder is there to remind me when i am making another "swoop" but someone, somewhere or something has to "stop" sooner or later, when i get tired enough of "swooping" i guess then that is when things change and happen. a person can be in this stage for a very long time, i think i've been here for about six months or so. i did some counseling for my control and jealousy but he kept bringing up my past and making me cry about these things from my past. i know it should be healing, but i got to where i hated to go there knowing that i would start to cry again at the slightest words of comfort or sympathy. as well when i read your post it also made me cry. i guess the truth hurts. i think you were right on about alot of stuff that you said, other wise it would'nt of hurt. if you respond with your insightfullness and indeptness i'd be so greatly appreciated. it feels so wonderful to talk or to communicate with someone on a level where they can understand what i feel. thank you, jamie

 

adults have control problems because

they were emotionally and/or physically abused as children and had absolutely no control over the situation. The child makes a daily pledge that when he or she is old enough and able, everything in life will be controlled. Adults who come from highly dysfunctional families are also extremely afraid to get too close to someone for fear of the same type of abandonment they experienced as a child. In your case, it's my guess that this guy is most likely very similar to your dad, who you were not able to control as a child. Was your father an alcoholic. You say your guy likes to drink. You may not feel comfortable around his family because their dynamics are unfamiliar to you. You are in strange territory. My guess is that you are a very deep thinker and feel very much alone, even around a lot of people. You have probably had this deep sense of aloneness most of your life. It's not necessarilly that you feel uncomfortable around them as much as you just don't feel that you belong or fit in. You probably feel this way in other group situations as well. I am also going to venture that you do not feel very connected to or understood by your boyfriend. Ironically, while you want this connectedness, you are probably terrified of it because it is unfamiliar territory. There are lots of things you would like to discuss with him but don't want to take the risk that he would either not understand or just not care. You probably have a great sense that most people would not understand the real you. At any rate, the two of you seem very different. If you want to stay with him, both of you have a lot of work to do to understand each other and work with each other to heal your lives. My bet is that the two of you have little in common and you are light years ahead of him in maturity and depth of character. I also pick up that you have a deep sense of loneliness, even when you are with him. Please don't despair. Your post indicates you have great insight and you perhaps didn't want to disclose a lot of details. Keep up your reading but chose some other tities, particularly those that deal with co-dependence. Pay close attention to the chapters dealing with anger and control issues. Whether you are willing to admit it, my bet is you also have a lot of repressed anger from your past that must be worked out. Since you were proabably not able to display your anger as a child, more than likely you want to control everything around you as an adult to protect yourself from those angry feelings surfacing. You are only mildly successful and that is frustrating for you, plus you really don't want to be that way and don't know why you are. You seem to be happier at home with a good book, or simply thinking deep thoughts. Your boyfriend is quite opposite. My suggestion is read more, get involved in workshops on self-improvement topics that interest you, perhaps join a group therapy situation, and do whatever is necessary to help yourself grow spiritually and emotionally. I sense that you have the potential for being great because you have come to realize there are components of your deep self that you want to understand better, and you will. I also sense that your boyfriend doesn't have a clue about his problems and more than likely thinks everything is your fault. To recapitulate, you feel you are controlling, manipulating, etc. because it is your way of keeping your life in control, an opportunity you were not afforded as a child. You relate to your children the same way your parents related to you. Not too good to do. If you don't make some major changes, your children will inherit your mindset and your present plight. With some outside help, your own insight, and time you will be relieved of this burden and become a far greater spiritual being with zero in common with the guy you are seeing now. I know you didn't look for such a complicated answer and I really didn't intend to post one here but I just got carried away. My apologies.

 

You are going to be just fine but there are major life adjustments you will have to make, including working on yourself and changing the people you attract to yourself (which will change as you evolve into the new person you want to be.) While it's certainly not my place to tell you what to do with regard to your children, I pray you will be kind and gentle with them, give them space to grow their own individual ways, give them the freedom to express themselves, and always let them know how much you love them. These are all my own thoughts. I hope you get lots of varied and insightful opinions.