Ex marrying rebound girl

[Ilovecake]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]So the ex I have been complaining about harassing me is getting married. I'm completely broken up about it but not for the reasons you might think. It's not because I miss him or want to get back together with him. The problem is that every long term relationship I have ever had not once did the guy ask me to marry them. They all swore they never wanted to get married to "anyone". Yet every single one , with the exception of the guy who became a homeless drug addict, has married the girl they started dating shortly after me. The love of my life who I was with 6 years married a girl less than two months after we broke up. This ex is marrying a girl he's been with exactly a year, we were together for 4.

 

I'm starting to think that I'm so awful of a girlfriend that they marry the first person who falls into their lap because they're so much better than me. You guys always talk about rebounds but I've never seen that with my exes they have all married their rebound.

 

I don't know if there is any advice you can give me or help me get to the bottom of why this pattern happens in my life or maybe I'm just typing this to get it out. If you want to post here please feel free to be as honest as possible. I can take it.

[Rearden Metal]

Wow, that's pretty intense. I don't really even know what to say about it. How old are you/these men?

[Ilovecake]

I'm 39. This has happened 3 times now, all guys I lived with and dated for 4+ years. The other side of the coin is that tons of my guy friends have been getting married lately and I swear all of them are telling me they've had crushes on me for years but were too intimidated to say anything, until a week before their wedding of course. WTF?

 

The guy that I dated for 6 years I was 28 when we broke up. It was a mutual no ill feelings breakup, he partied a lot I was sort of slowing down with the party life. He started dating his now wife a week after we broke up. He is a serious musician and married another musician so I can understand that. They're still married and she's absolutely lovely and perfect for him. No ill will on my part even though I was crushed that he got married less than a year after we broke up.

 

This recent ex though is really crushing. We actually broke up because he was acting very strangely and would not tell me why. He was a complete d.i.c.k. to me on my birthday and I couldn’t figure out what was up. Wrong or not I started investigating and found a text on his phone to his brother that stated “the life of a 22 year old is so different than mine I don’t think I can go through with it”, he was 32 (6 years younger than me) at the time. I asked him if he was cheating on me and he denied it said it was a joke about some drunken girl that flirted with him at a party who is dating his brother’s friend. He did however follow that by I don’t love you I want to break up, so we broke up. He is now marrying the girl he was texting about.

[SummerLady]

I'm 39. This has happened 3 times now, all guys I lived with and dated for 4+ years. The other side of the coin is that tons of my guy friends have been getting married lately and I swear all of them are telling me they've had crushes on me for years but were too intimidated to say anything, until a week before their wedding of course. WTF?

 

The guy that I dated for 6 years I was 28 when we broke up. It was a mutual no ill feelings breakup, he partied a lot I was sort of slowing down with the party life. He started dating his now wife a week after we broke up. He is a serious musician and married another musician so I can understand that. They're still married and she's absolutely lovely and perfect for him. No ill will on my part even though I was crushed that he got married less than a year after we broke up.

 

This recent ex though is really crushing. We actually broke up because he was acting very strangely and would not tell me why. He was a complete d.i.c.k. to me on my birthday and I couldn’t figure out what was up. Wrong or not I started investigating and found a text on his phone to his brother that stated “the life of a 22 year old is so different than mine I don’t think I can go through with it”, he was 32 (6 years younger than me) at the time. I asked him if he was cheating on me and he denied it said it was a joke about some drunken girl that flirted with him at a party who is dating his brother’s friend. He did however follow that by I don’t love you I want to break up, so we broke up. He is now marrying the girl he was texting about.

 

Here is my humble opinion. First your picking the wrong men, seems to be a pattern here. 2nd you sound to eager to get married. Speaking from someone divorced its better to not get married if your marrying the wrong man. You want to concentrate on the right fit not a status. Marriage is overrated if you marry the wrong person. Easy to get in to hard to get out of. Whatever your doing you need to do differently. Date a variety of men and break out of whatever you think your type is, its not working for you. Guys are not friends, if they are they want to get with you. Learned that one the hard way too..Your making simple mistakes that can be corrected. Not all is lost. Your not desperate your confident and avialable. Change your attitude quickly!

[unsaved]

Cake,

 

I am so sorry for you. I have been in 5 serious relationships and three of them have gone on to meet their future wives after me. Yeah, I have gotten down about it in the past but I hardly think it is a pattern or has anything to do with me (or you). You just didn't work out with those individuals. In fact, your most recent one sounds like a D-bag and praise the lord it didn't work out with him.

 

But, if you do see yourself as possibly having problems, then figure out what they are and work on them. Why are you dating men who tell you they don't want to get married if you do? Maybe that should be a criteria for you before you get serious with someone. Maybe you are giving off a vibe that you don't want to get serious either so you are sorta letting them off the hook to commit. That may not be true for you. But still, use this time to figure out what you want and perhaps this may help you screen out these commitment-phobes a little better.

 

Good luck. Keep posting :-)

[Ilovecake]

Here is my humble opinion. First your picking the wrong men, seems to be a pattern here. 2nd you sound to eager to get married. Speaking from someone divorced its better to not get married if your marrying the wrong man. You want to concentrate on the right fit not a status. Marriage is overrated if you marry the wrong person. Easy to get in to hard to get out of. Whatever your doing you need to do differently. Date a variety of men and break out of whatever you think your type is, its not working for you. Guys are not friends, if they are they want to get with you. Learned that one the hard way too..Your making simple mistakes that can be corrected. Not all is lost. Your not desperate your confident and avialable. Change your attitude quickly!

 

Thanks.

1. Completely aware of the fact that I choose the wrong men, have always been told that and do believe it to be true. My last ex was nothing like any of my boyfriends before, so I thought. I always dated musicians or artists of some sort. This guy was a geek, not attractive at all, he was a carpenter. Truthfully at first the only reason I went out with him was that he seemed so different. I wasn't even all that into him. Of course once the relationship progressed a lot of behavioral similarities started coming out that were very much like the guys before, by then I was already head over heels in love. So I'm really confused as to how to pick the right guy.

2. I don't so much want to get married as build a life with someone. I never had a close family and have always craved that. Of course I also want the forever relationship, who wants to go through another break up righty? I've never told anyone emphatically that I wanted to get married. Maybe that's the problem; maybe they think I'm not the marrying type.

3. I realize that like you say I'm making simple mistakes that can be corrected but I'm not quite sure what those mistakes are.

 

I feel like I need an instruction booklet.

[Ilovecake]

Cake,

 

I am so sorry for you. I have been in 5 serious relationships and three of them have gone on to meet their future wives after me. Yeah, I have gotten down about it in the past but I hardly think it is a pattern or has anything to do with me (or you). You just didn't work out with those individuals. In fact, your most recent one sounds like a D-bag and praise the lord it didn't work out with him.

 

But, if you do see yourself as possibly having problems, then figure out what they are and work on them. Why are you dating men who tell you they don't want to get married if you do? Maybe that should be a criteria for you before you get serious with someone. Maybe you are giving off a vibe that you don't want to get serious either so you are sorta letting them off the hook to commit. That may not be true for you. But still, use this time to figure out what you want and perhaps this may help you screen out these commitment-phobes a little better.

 

Good luck. Keep posting :-)

 

Thanks

You are absolutely right the last one turned out to be the biggest D-bag on earth. Sounds like you've read my other posts. Really creepy guy and I'm glad to be rid of him.

The words commitment phobia keeps coming up after my relationships end yet they commit to someone else right away and that’s what bothers me. It's painful. I'm sorry you had to deal with the same thing.

[SummerLady]

Thanks.

1. Completely aware of the fact that I choose the wrong men, have always been told that and do believe it to be true. My last ex was nothing like any of my boyfriends before, so I thought. I always dated musicians or artists of some sort. This guy was a geek, not attractive at all, he was a carpenter. Truthfully at first the only reason I went out with him was that he seemed so different. I wasn't even all that into him. Of course once the relationship progressed a lot of behavioral similarities started coming out that were very much like the guys before, by then I was already head over heels in love. So I'm really confused as to how to pick the right guy.

2. I don't so much want to get married as build a life with someone. I never had a close family and have always craved that. Of course I also want the forever relationship, who wants to go through another break up righty? I've never told anyone emphatically that I wanted to get married. Maybe that's the problem; maybe they think I'm not the marrying type.

3. I realize that like you say I'm making simple mistakes that can be corrected but I'm not quite sure what those mistakes are.

 

I feel like I need an instruction booklet.

 

 

Marriage comes up at some point if the relationship is serious. How is it that you never got to discuss it with men you dated for years? Were you avoiding the topic? You meet someone, your dating for a couple of months, at that point you need to make a decision, should I continue this relationship, is this someone I want to continue to spend more time with? If so a conversation should happen. Not so much about marriage but about the relationship itself. You are not 19 anymore, you should know in the first 6 months that both parties are invested and its mutual. If someone your dating finds this odd or irrational your dating the wrong person. This is about you and what you want. If someone wants something so totally different from you, time to move on. I just think that this is a process that has to work for you. Use your common sense. Some people just click more then others, sometimes there is no reason, its just the way it is. Its not weird for you to want to meet someone to spend time with and build a life with. It wasn't until I took control of my dating situation and what I wanted ,that I got what I wanted. You can't just go along for the ride you have to be the driver.

Edited March 11, 2010 by SummerLady

[Ronni_W]

First your picking the wrong men

Following on that sentiment -- "wrong men", ILC, as in they're not, er, good enough for you (to put it bluntly.)

What can be happening is that THEY recognize this fact long before you do (you HAVE already recognized this fact, yes?) That is, these men put you on a pedestal of their own choosing...and then start to feel inadequate and unworthy when they compare their self-image to the fantasy-idealized version of you that they've created out of thin air.

Then.

The NEXT woman they meet does not get put on a pedestal (because she does not hold a candle to you) but now the guy is feeling all "adequate and worthy" and he decides this is the woman for him. His distorted impression is that SHE is facilitating all these good feelings for him when it really is that HE did it by not idealizing her the way he did you.

 

It's hell difficult impossible, ILC, to live up to other people's fantasy-idealized version of us. I mean, we don't even know that they're doing it...so we don't even get the chance to try to reach those lofty standards (if we wanted to, that is.)

 

When we're on that pedestal...there's just no room for us to be fully human. We don't get to make mistakes, or have "off days", or moments in which we are not 100% loving, caring, compassionate, forgiving, ordinary people.

 

That is to say. It's NOT you...it's them. They didn't know how to love and appreciate you for all of who you really, truly are; only for their fantasy-fake version of you. And then they compounded their error by comparing themselves against that, and coming out totally "less than" they see you to be. This is NOT your fault or flaw...it is their mistake!

[Ilovecake]

Marriage comes up at some point if the relationship is serious. How is it that you never got to discuss it with men you dated for years? Were you avoiding the topic? You meet someone, your dating for a couple of months, at that point you need to make a decision, should I continue this relationship, is this someone I want to continue to spend more time with? If so a conversation should happen. Not so much about marriage but about the relationship itself. You are not 19 anymore, you should know in the first 6 months that both parties are invested and its mutual. If someone your dating finds this odd or irrational your dating the wrong person. This is about you and what you want. If someone wants something so totally different from you, time to move on. I just think that this is a process that has to work for you. Use your common sense. Some people just click more then others, sometimes there is no reason, its just the way it is. Its not weird for you to want to meet someone to spend time with and build a life with. It wasn't until I took control of my dating situation and what I wanted ,that I got what I wanted. You can't just go along for the ride you have to be the driver.

 

As a rational adult I completely know all of this but as a child with sever abandonment issues as soon as I feel like I'm clicking with someone I become a doormat. I do everything to please them and be on their wave length in order not to lose them. It's almost like what I want goes out the window. I'm a very strong individual when alone but put me in a romantic relationship and I'm a scared, quivering jellyfish.

 

I do have to say even though I'm completely aware of what was said above it's very good for me to actually see it in writing.

 

As far as the marriage issue I usually will bring it up and I'll get the same answer "I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with you but I don't believe in the sanctity of marriage. Look at my parents; we don't need a stupid document blah blah blah." I guess I just really want so badly to believe that. I don't ever push the issue because I don't want them to walk out on me. My best friend tells me that my big problem is I try to be the "cool girlfriend" but I don't want to be a nag. I act like I'm OK with stuff and then it gets to me and I start having panic attacks because so much crap gets brushed under the rug and it just piles up. That's usually when my relationships end.

 

I know I'm screwed in the head but I really want to fix it and finally be happy. My mother was married 4 times and hated each of her husbands, I'm the opposite. I worship my boyfriends and they never ask me to marry them. I just never expect that my behavior makes me completely disposable in their eyes.

[Ilovecake]

When we're on that pedestal...there's just no room for us to be fully human. We don't get to make mistakes, or have "off days", or moments in which we are not 100% loving, caring, compassionate, forgiving, ordinary people.

 

 

Ronnie as always you are the voice of eloquent reason. How much would you charge me to be my therapist?

Eureka, that's exactly it. I feel like I can't live up to the expectations they have sometimes. I always had these feeling like my last ex felt belittled by me even though I kissed his sorry butt. He was always very uncomfortable when around my friends and family and refused to even be introduced. I always suspected that he felt inadequate around them and that's why he would withdraw and get really upset with me on nights out with my "people". He was always extra sweet when we hung out with his friends though and would tell me how much he appreciated having me in his life and how proud he was of me. My point is that I always thought that he had put my friends way up there but never suspected that he did that with me as well. He thought I was someone I wasn't therefore I could never live up to that. I totally get it.

Edited March 11, 2010 by Ilovecake

[Ronni_W]

He thought I was someone I wasn't therefore I could never live up to that.

Yes, exactly.

It's that they ARE sweet (and more than perfectly adequate) and they REALLY-TRULY do appreciate us and want us in their lives...but their own lack of worthiness and self-esteem just -- well, they keep putting themselves down when they compare themselves to us...but somehow they hear it as *us* putting them down.

 

And then they don't do that with the next woman but convert it into HER not putting them down...so she must be "the one". It sucks for us, and for the guys who are "forced", by their own poor self-image, to disconnect from us -- emotionally if not also physically.

 

as soon as I feel like I'm clicking with someone I become a doormat. I do everything to please them and be on their wave length in order not to lose them. I'm a very strong individual when alone

This is how I describe that behaviour for myself: I try to "dumb myself down" and start acting "weak", ineffective and inauthentically...with the crazy-ass notion and false hope that the guy won't start feeling all stoopid and incompetent about his own skills, talents, strengths, etc.

But. It doesn't work. [cos] It's really just my effed-up way of trying to control the situation, the relationship, his self-feelings, how he sees and treats me, etc., blah-blah.

 

It's a dumb "strategy" on my part, and it does not work. [cos also] I'm not attracted to stoopid guys...so they know that they're bloody right that I'm plenty terrific and that they need to step-up if they want to match-up. The only prob is that, at some point, they also start expecting me to be perfect, which I am far from.

 

I definitely deserve and reserve my right to (sometimes) be just as dysfunctional as the next person. No. Even MORE dysfunctional than the next person! I am that, too, for goodness sake. And I like me just fine, even so.

 

I know I'm screwed in the head but I really want to fix it

Well...you're only "screwed in the head" in the sense and to the extent that the rest of us are, too

 

The real challenge is that you/we CANNOT "fix" the crap that is going on in the heads of others. Until THEY can see their own mental errors and the consequences thereof, they're just always gonna idealize, compare, and come out feeling like crap about themselves -- and make it our fault.

That's the really bad, sad and frustrating part! We do NOT have control over it. Not in the slightest.

 

PS: No charge for the "therapy" Sad to say, but it's just my personal experience that I'm sharing.

[SummerLady]

Yes, exactly.

It's that they ARE sweet (and more than perfectly adequate) and they REALLY-TRULY do appreciate us and want us in their lives...but their own lack of worthiness and self-esteem just -- well, they keep putting themselves down when they compare themselves to us...but somehow they hear it as *us* putting them down.

 

And then they don't do that with the next woman but convert it into HER not putting them down...so she must be "the one". It sucks for us, and for the guys who are "forced", by their own poor self-image, to disconnect from us -- emotionally if not also physically.

 

 

This is how I describe that behaviour for myself: I try to "dumb myself down" and start acting "weak", ineffective and inauthentically...with the crazy-ass notion and false hope that the guy won't start feeling all stoopid and incompetent about his own skills, talents, strengths, etc.

But. It doesn't work. [cos] It's really just my effed-up way of trying to control the situation, the relationship, his self-feelings, how he sees and treats me, etc., blah-blah.

 

It's a dumb "strategy" on my part, and it does not work. [cos also] I'm not attracted to stoopid guys...so they know that they're bloody right that I'm plenty terrific and that they need to step-up if they want to match-up. The only prob is that, at some point, they also start expecting me to be perfect, which I am far from.

 

I definitely deserve and reserve my right to (sometimes) be just as dysfunctional as the next person. No. Even MORE dysfunctional than the next person! I am that, too, for goodness sake. And I like me just fine, even so.

 

 

Well...you're only "screwed in the head" in the sense and to the extent that the rest of us are, too

 

The real challenge is that you/we CANNOT "fix" the crap that is going on in the heads of others. Until THEY can see their own mental errors and the consequences thereof, they're just always gonna idealize, compare, and come out feeling like crap about themselves -- and make it our fault.

That's the really bad, sad and frustrating part! We do NOT have control over it. Not in the slightest.

 

PS: No charge for the "therapy" Sad to say, but it's just my personal experience that I'm sharing.

 

Ok all of this aside... Date people that are intelligent and are stable and of course attractive to you, don't forget that part, very important... This eliminates all the other issues. Don't say men like this are not around, they are. You may have to pass up some to get to the ones that are better for you but its worth the wait to get a fit. Be more selective and more focused...Sounds easy right? righttt....Good Luck.

[Ilovecake]

Ok all of this aside... Date people that are intelligent and are stable and of course attractive to you,

You just described 90% of the men that have broken my heart.

[Ronni_W]

You just described 90% of the men that have broken my heart.

Yep, isn't that the problem?

I think if I get in that situation again, I'm just gonna put down as a prereq that I want to see a certified letter from a therapist that he's completed at least...oh, say 50 hours of individual therapy. Maybe 100.

Of course, that won't be any guarantee either but...it's GOT to be better than nothing, I'm thinking. Who knows?

[Jade 02]

Here is my humble opinion. First your picking the wrong men, seems to be a pattern here. 2nd you sound to eager to get married. Speaking from someone divorced its better to not get married if your marrying the wrong man. You want to concentrate on the right fit not a status. Marriage is overrated if you marry the wrong person. Easy to get in to hard to get out of. Whatever your doing you need to do differently. Date a variety of men and break out of whatever you think your type is, its not working for you. Guys are not friends, if they are they want to get with you. Learned that one the hard way too..Your making simple mistakes that can be corrected. Not all is lost. Your not desperate your confident and avialable. Change your attitude quickly!

 

Oh PLEASE agree with Summerladym she is so right,once you get married the honey moon is completley over (most marrages),and (some woman Gain lots of weight after getting married stay free,young and pretty for a while. Your man will come when its time sorry you have to get hurt after all these longterm relationsips. your day will come hun

[Ilovecake]

Yep, isn't that the problem?

I think if I get in that situation again, I'm just gonna put down as a prereq that I want to see a certified letter from a therapist that he's completed at least...oh, say 50 hours of individual therapy. Maybe 100.

Of course, that won't be any guarantee either but...it's GOT to be better than nothing, I'm thinking. Who knows?

 

Therapy wouldn't be a bad first date. I think I would enjoy that.

[Ronni_W]

Therapy wouldn't be a bad first date.

Oh...that's an even better idea

By suggesting it, at least we'd find out up-front if or not they're open to learning and growing as individuals. To me, once there is that, the rest can fall into place with a bit of 'spit and polish'.

Brilliant idea, ILC. I'm gonna use it if and when. No worries, though -- I'll give you your full credit and due