My update

[Heather1]

It's over. He's just way too much drama & not a whole lot of feeling good about myself anymore. He apologized over the Christmas gift fiasco, said he missed me, blah, blah, blah. Still, we didn't see each other but were in contact every day. I was about to go out of town, to help my Mom for a week, and he wanted to see me before I left....so we had intense sex. Make up/turned into break up sex. I'm guessing he knew it was break up sex to him, and I thought the opposite. The next day, while I was driving 400 miles, I got a downer e-mail. I told him I wasn't going to worry about it & I'd talk to him when I got back. I was still gone on valentine's day, and waited until the afternoon until I finally sent him a "Happy Valentine." He replied, which was good except for it was solicited. When I got back, he was sick & I asked him if he needed a break, he said "yes." So I gave him a break for another week. So 3 weeks after sex, a few emails & no phone calls. I gave him the week, then finally asked him if it was over. He said the sex was over, but he was now going to come to my work again w/ his friends & wanted me to just act normal when I saw him. WTF??? He hasn't come into my work for over 6 months, but now he's going to start?

 

My reply wasn't nice, and he said he was totally done. I sent him another note saying I wish him well & that I'll be fine.

 

So an email break up, no phone calls, but at least he didn't see or hear me cry. So ends a 2 1/2 year EA turned PA where he contacted me almost every day. That was over a week ago. I don't know why, after mind blowing sex, he just did a COMPLETE 180. He used to be so good to me & we had so much fun! I loved it, it really gave me something to look forward to & let me be myself. Once the sex kicked in, his guilt kicked in & it just got worse & worse.

 

Well, I didn't lose control & go nuts. I gave him his space & then wished him well. His last memory of me will be of me washing him off in the shower & smiling & not me being a hysterical mess.

 

Bottom line is, he doesn't make me feel good anymore. I gave him one more chance, and he totally blew it!

 

It doesn't matter.....I need to figure out what to do with my life & he's distracting me. I'm not that heart broken for some reason, probably because I didn't react to his BS?

 

For those of you who don't know my story, I didn't ever expect us to leave our spouses for each other & he knew that.

[ladydesigner]

Wow what an update. You sound like you are doing well regardless of the way it ended. You sound very strong. I hope the best in your healing. Do you plan on recovering your M, how do you you feel about your H? The reason I ask is because I am 1.5 years out of the A and 7 months NC. I still think of XOM and while my M is slowly recovering it still will never be what it was and it is very disheartening. I'm not sure how I will be able to live the rest of my life this way. We have 2 kids and in a lot of ways I don't want to break up the family unit.

 

Anyways I digress. Great to hear you are doing so well with the ending and hope that your healing is fast.

[Heather1]

I'm in the same boat LD. I'm not going to make any major decisions until after the school year. I have cashed out all my stocks though, and I'm kind of measuring my happiness level w/ my H (if that makes sense). The one thing I noticed out of the A is 1) I can be wildly attracted to someone & 2) I can still have FUN. I don't know if I've ever had those 2 things w/ my H, it's all work & hospitals & injuries & parenting. In 20 years, we forgot to have fun.

 

One a side....a friend of mine just sent me an invite to her 2nd marriage reception. I was in her first wedding, and it was stunning. This time it was in Mexico on a beach, and her reception is next month. We eloped, because my H had been married before & his parents thought it would be great if we had the same wedding, different bride, on their property. So I didn't have a wedding, and my H did. All the mistakes we made are now bitting us in the A$$. All because I couldn't stand up for myself & ask for what I REALLY wanted. Now I'm just tired, and I feel like it's too late. I want the whole enchalada, or nothing. My H is well aware of my feelings right now.

 

So I don't know? I went for a bike ride & ran into my Mom's neighbor, who is now a widower. We talked about his wife, how much he missed her, and that this was "their" bike ride & that they never had a bad moment together. It was a sudden death, and we're all beyond shocked from it. But listening to him talk the way he did about her, and the memories they shared, and watching them dance @ their son's wedding in their 70's & beautiful & still looking very much in love. That's the ideal. My in-laws marriage? No thank you.

[pureinheart]

I'm in the same boat LD. I'm not going to make any major decisions until after the school year. I have cashed out all my stocks though, and I'm kind of measuring my happiness level w/ my H (if that makes sense). The one thing I noticed out of the A is 1) I can be wildly attracted to someone & 2) I can still have FUN. I don't know if I've ever had those 2 things w/ my H, it's all work & hospitals & injuries & parenting. In 20 years, we forgot to have fun.

 

One a side....a friend of mine just sent me an invite to her 2nd marriage reception. I was in her first wedding, and it was stunning. This time it was in Mexico on a beach, and her reception is next month. We eloped, because my H had been married before & his parents thought it would be great if we had the same wedding, different bride, on their property. So I didn't have a wedding, and my H did. All the mistakes we made are now bitting us in the A$$. All because I couldn't stand up for myself & ask for what I REALLY wanted. Now I'm just tired, and I feel like it's too late. I want the whole enchalada, or nothing. My H is well aware of my feelings right now.

 

So I don't know? I went for a bike ride & ran into my Mom's neighbor, who is now a widower. We talked about his wife, how much he missed her, and that this was "their" bike ride & that they never had a bad moment together. It was a sudden death, and we're all beyond shocked from it. But listening to him talk the way he did about her, and the memories they shared, and watching them dance @ their son's wedding in their 70's & beautiful & still looking very much in love. That's the ideal. My in-laws marriage? No thank you.

 

Hi Heather,

 

I hope you don't mind this observation, 1st post talks mainly of the break up with OM, then this one goes deeper into the M issues and regret (things you missed out on/things missing in the M).

 

Last night I was listening to a song by the "New Young Radicals", "You Get What You Give"....towards the end of the song it says, "what's real can't die"...and I think this is the truth...so I always ask myself if it's real...

 

Sometimes it just feels so overwhelming, like you can't go another step, but you do, and you take another and another...new journeys are difficult and scary due to them being the unknown. I believe this is the reason people stay in dead marriages, living dead lives because the change is too difficult, it's easier to keep the grave clothes on.

 

Just a short, but encouraging story...One of my exH's left me for someone else, I was alone and afraid...only making 600$ a month raising two kids, BUT I kept going...exactly one month later I got called back to my normal job, and came into a great deal of money, met a really cool guy (best looking guy in the place actually...he looked exactly like Don Johnson)...one month and my life was COMPLETELY transformed ....this is what I speak over you, that no good thing will be held back from you.

[Heather1]

Thank you for saying that.....& I love that song! My H keeps telling me he's never been happier, so that confuses me. His parents dynamic was his Mom enabled, while his dad died for 20 years. They retired young & it was all about diagnosing & hospitals. I think my FIL was just depressed, & my MIL has munchhousins. Made for worthless grandparents, all about them. You can't call them on their selfishness, cuz they're sick.

 

I find my H wanting to "take care" of me & enable. Makes me wonder?

 

I'll figure it out. Right now I'm still sad OM never even called me again after a 2 year relationship. I put his email in a seperated folder, so it won't go on my phone & that free's me from being a slave to my phone & I can check that folder once a day. I couldn't block him:(. First I had his name on the folder & I couldn't look at it. Then I changed the name to "dirtbag" & finally to "ciao Bella.". My empty folder.

 

I leave on a 2 week trip next week....that will help a ton. I just need to power through until then!

[Samantha0905]

I'm sorry for what you're going through Heather. I hope things workout for the best for you. I'm in the same boat as you as far as my marriage is concerned. It's difficult.

 

The two week trip sounds nice. Will you be with your husband?

 

One thing I did find interesting in your post is the two of you never entertaining the option to leave your marriages? Do you think it was love? Do you think it was just a situation where you fulfilled each others' needs as far as what you felt was missing in the marriage?

 

Any plans for counseling?

[Heather1]

I was in love (& still am) I guess he was not. I thought of him as my oasis & was very realistic about the outcome of us leaving our spouses. He would stand to loose a lot of money, and his W doesn't sound like someone who would be rational (can't blame her there). I also didn't want to drag my family through what might happen because it would look like I was after him for his money, which is not the case. I over his smile, and the way he used to make me feel.

 

I go to IC off & on. The push seems to be for me to get out of my M.

[Heather1]

PS - I think what's hard for me is that I was totally there for him during his businesses recession. His businesses are slowely coming back, and I was his biggest cheerleader & support (om's). I guess that crisis is over, so he doesn't need me?

[pureinheart]

PS - I think what's hard for me is that I was totally there for him during his businesses recession. His businesses are slowely coming back, and I was his biggest cheerleader & support (om's). I guess that crisis is over, so he doesn't need me?

 

That is exactly how I felt with exDM...dust settled, D over....transitional woman?

[Heather1]

Maybe he just needed two women to help him through? I seem to put myself in situations where I'm totally supportive, male or female, and don't get much support myself. Luckily, I get some from here since no one knows what's really going on w/ me.

 

I understand. I wanted the situation that Jennie Jennie seems to have. He just feels WAY too guilty and has never gotten over it. So I'm then the bad guy he's a jerk to. I did the best I could, and I was good to/for him. Maybe he had to be a jerk for me to be hurt enough to just end it? He's ended things a few times, with the window always open. Like "friends" or "talk to you later." Never a closed door, always an opening. I've ended things twice saying "I wish you well." with no future. The last time I did it, it was for a month & he contacted me on my b-day. I was doing SO WELL & went right back in!!

 

Oh, and I'm not in anything for money....I have my own.

[Heather1]

I'm having a tough night. I keep thinking "what do I want?" I want him, but I don't want to feel used.

 

Then I keep rehashing the whole thing wondering what happened & how we could have had such a great time together that day, and he hasn't called me since.....almost 5 weeks ago. It took me 3 weeks to even say I was hurt, so I wasn't some wreck getting all over his case. I say I'm hurt, he says he's done.

 

I need to not think he's ever going to get ahold of me, because that's a real possibility. Luckily, I'm going out of town for 2 weeks starting wed. I'm just counting the minutes until that trip, because the first week will be a lot of fun.

 

Just kinda sad tonight, trudging through my days & hoping to forget him soon. At least I haven't tried to reach him AT ALL. To him, I dropped off the earth until I get over this. I'll make sure he never sees or hears from me, I'm good at that.

[Fallen Angel]

I'm having a tough night. I keep thinking "what do I want?" I want him, but I don't want to feel used.

 

Then I keep rehashing the whole thing wondering what happened & how we could have had such a great time together that day, and he hasn't called me since.....almost 5 weeks ago. It took me 3 weeks to even say I was hurt, so I wasn't some wreck getting all over his case. I say I'm hurt, he says he's done.

 

I need to not think he's ever going to get ahold of me, because that's a real possibility. Luckily, I'm going out of town for 2 weeks starting wed. I'm just counting the minutes until that trip, because the first week will be a lot of fun.

 

Just kinda sad tonight, trudging through my days & hoping to forget him soon. At least I haven't tried to reach him AT ALL. To him, I dropped off the earth until I get over this. I'll make sure he never sees or hears from me, I'm good at that.

 

((Hugs to you tonight))

 

Maybe if it is hard on you tonight, you should get out and do something. Call up your best girlfriend and go out to a movie, or out for coffee. Just don't be alone. being alone means being in your head, and when you are hurting, your head can be a bad place to be.

 

Try and find something tonight to make you smile, and remember, tomorrow is a new day, and things will look brighter again.

[Heather1]

Thanks...I fell asleep early & woke up @ 3am thinking again.

 

Of course, due to this A I've isolated myself & have no one to talk to about it. No one knows.

 

I think what hurts the most is how totally used I feel. I promised myself, after I gave him a gift and he didn't give me one, that I'd never have sex with him again. I caved, and then he hasn't called me since. I thought it was great, I thought we were turning things around & I got the heave ho BIG TIME. Then I had to end things, even though I'm sure he just wanted me to figure it out & end it because he wouldn't. He took the wimpy way out.

 

Well....I feel good about a couple of things. I treated him well & never used him. I guess that's all that matters is how I treat people in the end. I'm surprised he was like that, because he's surrounded by users that want stuff from him because of his business. I would have thought I was a breath of fresh air. I never asked or expected anything from him. It would have been nice if he would have told me it was over, instead of letting weeks roll by where I had to figure it out.

 

It doesn't matter, he wants it to end. I can't force him to want me I've left him alone.

[Fallen Angel]

Thanks...I fell asleep early & woke up @ 3am thinking again.

 

Of course, due to this A I've isolated myself & have no one to talk to about it. No one knows.

 

I think what hurts the most is how totally used I feel. I promised myself, after I gave him a gift and he didn't give me one, that I'd never have sex with him again. I caved, and then he hasn't called me since. I thought it was great, I thought we were turning things around & I got the heave ho BIG TIME. Then I had to end things, even though I'm sure he just wanted me to figure it out & end it because he wouldn't. He took the wimpy way out.

 

Well....I feel good about a couple of things. I treated him well & never used him. I guess that's all that matters is how I treat people in the end. I'm surprised he was like that, because he's surrounded by users that want stuff from him because of his business. I would have thought I was a breath of fresh air. I never asked or expected anything from him. It would have been nice if he would have told me it was over, instead of letting weeks roll by where I had to figure it out.

 

It doesn't matter, he wants it to end. I can't force him to want me I've left him alone.

 

Call up your best girlfriend... you know, the one you used to tell all of your secrets to before you started the affair, the one who knew just by the tone of your voice when you were on your period and brought you gifts of chocolate, the one who would come and get you at 1am if your car broke down and left you stranded. You know the one I mean. Call her, and spill your guts, tell her everything. the good, the bad, and the ugly.. and then tell her you are hurting, and you need your friend back. I promise, she will be there.... that is what best girlfriends do. (((sending tons of hugs your way)))

[bittersweet memories]

That was my last email to him was that I wished him well.

 

I don't think there's anything I want to say to him. If anything, I want him to tell me he's sorry & that he wasn't just using me & I guess somehow prove to me he wasn't using me.

 

That's not going to happen.

 

At least I'm glad I was able to wish him well, and I told him I'd be OK. He never replied. His last message to me was basically to F-off after I told him I was hurt. I guess just the fact he got mad when I showed a feeling proves he used me huh? The best defense is an offense.

 

There's nothing more for me to say without getting more hurt.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself...you said the same thing in January that you just want an apology but you derserve so much more than just an apology.

 

Not a good time to be alone, while I'm still pulling away. In my mind, there's only one way I'd speak to him again.....if he apologized & proved to me somehow he appreciates I've put a lot on the line for him. If I got ahold of him, he'd treat me worse & it would be solely on his crappy/cold terms.

I shouldn't be thinking any of this....I need to just be done.

Off to swim! Thanks all!

 

Why do you allow this man to treat you like crap..i dont get it.

[Heather1]

ugh....

 

I struggle in the friendship dept. I ended a 25 year friendship right before I met him, because I was totally used. I'd do that stuff for her, and if I had a problem she'd be "talk to the hand." I supported her through everything, paid for everything, and in the end she wouldn't answer her phone when I was in town for a best childhood friend's funeral. She finally turned on her phone & called when I was on the way to the airport to say her boyfriend hadn't called her for a day & she was freaked out. Nothing about my friend dying. I had to sit in the airport and listen to her paranoid drama, in the meantime I suffered such a loss.

 

It has not been an easy few years for me. I have a hard time connecting. He knew I had no one to talk to....maybe that's why he picked me in the first place? Totally vulnerable, no friends, and several deaths in a short period of time. I was a sitting duck.

 

I'll be ok, I'm just going through the grieving part. I'm a tough cookie!

[Fallen Angel]

Heather,

 

I am sorry you feel so alone. I know that can be a scary place to be. I wish there was something I could do to help.

[Just a stone's throw]

Heather, I can totally relate to what seems like a one-sided and totally drawn out end to the A. Just ended (over the last week) an A (we're both married) but it was because he needed to protect his kids and became very freaked out and guilty. We had been very good "friends with benefits" for 1 1/2 years and I probably moreso than him felt an emotional attachment that I tried very hard to control and not let get in the way. Neither of us intended to leave our marriages and found each other's company interesting and fun and the sex was something that neither of us were experiencing in our M. We had multiple attempts at scaling back and trying to just be "friends" and both of us made our own attempts to end it that way but we always found our way back. This time, it's for good. He's asked for NC. I am trying to comply and decided that this was the opportunity I needed to focus on my M and decide if it is what I want/deserve and if not then I need to D independently and not with my judgement clouded with the A. I don't have kids but a very tight extended family which would be devestated if we did separate.

 

Trouble is I can be strong one day and feel like I can make good with the NC and I don't need him or the A and the next day (or hour) I'm right back wanting to contact him and it's making me crazy. The hard part is that we chatted so much that it's a big void in my life right now.

 

So I guess what we both need to do is focus on something good, you your trip and doing something good for yourself as you deserve it. And for me, I will focus on my efforts on my M and my career and see where that takes me. My friends don't know about this either so this site is my only outlet for discussing. Sitting back and asking "why" is the hardest part when you only know half of the story.

 

Good luck to you!

[Heather1]

we're in the same boat....same PA time period & probably same reasons for NC. I'm just dragging it down to make him seem like a bad guy, when he's not. What else is he supposed to do to protect his family? My family is falling apart, and that's part of the problem I'm having too.

 

At this moment, my deaf son is crying downstairs because he won't do homework he doesn't understand & my H broke one of his golf clubs in frustration. I'm sticking it out until the end of the school year, but I live in the hell house right now.

 

True though, if I get a D I don't want my kids to think anyone else was in the picture. My H isn't abusive to me (except by his neglect and inaction), but he gets so mad at our youngest son. I feel like we're all trapped by my H moodiness right now, he's kind of manic. But if this A were to come out, everyone would think the problem is only with me....including my family. No one knows how my H is.

[Just a stone's throw]

we're in the same boat....same PA time period & probably same reasons for NC. I'm just dragging it down to make him seem like a bad guy, when he's not. What else is he supposed to do to protect his family? My family is falling apart, and that's part of the problem I'm having too.

 

At this moment, my deaf son is crying downstairs because he won't do homework he doesn't understand & my H broke one of his golf clubs in frustration. I'm sticking it out until the end of the school year, but I live in the hell house right now.

 

True though, if I get a D I don't want my kids to think anyone else was in the picture. My H isn't abusive to me (except by his neglect and inaction), but he gets so mad at our youngest son. I feel like we're all trapped by my H moodiness right now, he's kind of manic. But if this A were to come out, everyone would think the problem is only with me....including my family. No one knows how my H is.

 

 

Very similar to my M without the child being the center of frustration. It is tough. I do believe that things happen for a reason and the break you're on may be for you to put some sanity around where your marriage is right now. You said you were in IC occaisionally, is that something you find helpful? Will you continue? I haven't started but am contemplating.

[bestplayer]

we're in the same boat....same PA time period & probably same reasons for NC. I'm just dragging it down to make him seem like a bad guy, when he's not. What else is he supposed to do to protect his family? My family is falling apart, and that's part of the problem I'm having too.

 

At this moment, my deaf son is crying downstairs because he won't do homework he doesn't understand & my H broke one of his golf clubs in frustration. I'm sticking it out until the end of the school year, but I live in the hell house right now.

 

True though, if I get a D I don't want my kids to think anyone else was in the picture. My H isn't abusive to me (except by his neglect and inaction), but he gets so mad at our youngest son. I feel like we're all trapped by my H moodiness right now, he's kind of manic. But if this A were to come out, everyone would think the problem is only with me....including my family. No one knows how my H is.

 

why is it that no one except u knows how ur husband is ? i dont think any one can manage to hide his real behaviuor to that extent.

[Heather1]

When I get back we need to go to m counseling. We need to sweep it into a dustpan & glue whatever we can. I don't hate my h, but I do get mad. I took my lame route, now he's acting in response.

 

The good news is, with om out of the picture I can at least see if there's anything left. When he's around, I'm in a daze. I just have to clearly get back to reality here!!

[Just a stone's throw]

When I get back we need to go to m counseling. We need to sweep it into a dustpan & glue whatever we can. I don't hate my h, but I do get mad. I took my lame route, now he's acting in response.

 

The good news is, with om out of the picture I can at least see if there's anything left. When he's around, I'm in a daze. I just have to clearly get back to reality here!!

 

 

Totally understand the "daze". I have been in one for so long I'm not sure what to do with myself. I used to be so productive before the A. I became "mush" with it. Not that it was bad, I was quite high-strung before, it taught me how to relax and let things happen. I couldn't possibly control everything with the A. If it hadn't been so long I may not have forgotten how to be myself.

[Heather1]

Yeah, there was a lot of good things that happened out of it too. I wouldn't have wanted that to happen with anyone else, and besides the breaking up parts, I was happy. Probably just a matter of me being more into him, and him hitting a reality wall before I did. Just having a tough go of it the past few days.

 

Regards to my H & no one knowing, I don't know how they could. He's not close to his family, except for going to their house for their various all about them illnesses. He hasn't lived at home since he was 18, and even as a kid his Dad sucked the air out of the room. Who would have noticed? I can tell you, my kids notice but they don't have a label for it. We don't hang out with other friends or couples either, so it's not like people observe us together and mention anything. When we go anywhere, it's just the two of us. I can't remember the last time we had people over or went to someone's house for dinner.

 

In that regard I'm totally jealous of OM. They live by both families, have people over all the time & his W has sister's. She has a lot of support. I don't know how much of that support is for him, but I was his support the past few years. He was mine at the beginning before he drifted away. I remember he said he's be there for me no matter what & he wanted to be my best friend. Now that's just not possible.

[Just a stone's throw]

How are you today? Any better? I hope it's a sunny day and you're feeling strong.

 

I am not. I am feeling very weak. I sent an email, I'm okay that I did, he will understand and just ignore it because he's committed to NC. I'm starting over on the NC. I feel like I'm in a 12 step program. I also did the things I said I would for my marriage, I called and emailed my H too and am trying to be engaged. It's definitely a daily, no hourly struggle. Being out of town doesn't help.

 

How are you finding strength?