My update

[my story]

In that regard I'm totally jealous of OM. They live by both families, have people over all the time & his W has sister's. She has a lot of support. I don't know how much of that support is for him, but I was his support the past few years. He was mine at the beginning before he drifted away. I remember he said he's be there for me no matter what & he wanted to be my best friend. Now that's just not possible.

 

Thanks, Heather, for your support on my story and i just read yours. You said the OM told you he wanted to be your best friend, that's what the xMM told me also. One time when I wanted to break up, he told me he would lose his best friend. Last night when we ended the A, I said the same thing to him, you know what he said to me: you can have a lot of best friends if you want, but mine just can't be you, i am really sorry. I feel so pathetic at that moment.

 

You and I both know it's time to move on, just need to find the strength to do that. It's hard that you could not talk to anyone, fortunately we all could find some supports here. Hope you feel better.

[Heather1]

Thanks you two! I'm so glad I have a place to be free to write this stuff because I walk through my days wanting to grab a stranger & tell them the whole story!! Like a crazy person. I'm SO tempted to tell someone, and if I didn't have this, I would.

 

I think I'm keeping strong (by strong, I mean NC) by counting the minutes to my trip. I leave Wed morning, and the women I'm going with it's totally inappropriate to bring this up to & this trip is all about FUN!! Maybe I'll hold the passenger next to me hostage though huh? ha,ha. I then fly to LA, and am w/ my Mom for another week. THANK GOD!!! It'll give me a break from both men, get some fun time in, and then be there for my Mom for a minor surgery she's having. I'm hoping by the time I get back all will be forgotten. Of course, I said that in Oct. after a long trip & he got ahold of me on my b-day & I was right back to square one after a month of NC.

 

The other thing I keep thinking about is what would it accomplish if I did get ahold of him? It puts the ball in his court, all the way, & then he gets to call the shots again. I keep reviewing what happened last time, and I was totally cool about everything, until he asked to call me & then didn't call & I told him I was hurt. Ball back in his court, I wasn't going to tell him how I felt, but that brought out an instant emotion I couldn't cap. I'm never going to give him that power again! Well, that's if I ever hear from him. I don't want him to know how I'm feeling at all right now. He had the password to my FB account, because his W made him take down his & I wanted him to see me playing piano. I finally remembered he had it, and I changed it so he won't even know when I'm going on my trip & for how long. I want him to know NOTHING about me right now.

 

But despite all my immature maneuvering, I don't want him to feel guilty anymore. He really was getting sick all the time. I don't know if it was the stress of his home life, me, his business', or a combination of all. I just removed myself from his stressful life. In my evil little mind, I want his wife to blow it so he'll appreciate how unconditional I was/am. I think for a long time, I was good for him.

 

I guess the other thing is how I want him to remember me. I don't want him to remember me with regret & a mistake & how the hell is he going to get rid of me? I want him to remember me naked in the shower, and letting him go. Mature huh? That's because I know I have a trip coming up!

 

Besides, I know he's hurting & confused too....& I think that's the truth in all our situations. The struggle to do the "right" thing, and saying good bye to someone you met at the wrong time.

[Just a stone's throw]

Good for you! Have an awesome trip!

[Heather1]

Thanks! I know how you feel about sending something during NC, I've done it before & can't believe I've lasted almost 2 weeks this time. Let me know how it goes....

 

I saw another post saying it's an "affair dance." It certainly seems like we all have a lot in common w/ this part of it.

 

I'll be around off & on tomorrow, then laying on a beach in a skimpy bikini!!

[my story]

Hope you could leave all the pain behind and have a great trip!

[TarnishedInequity]

Heather - you are so very strong! And you've been through a lot... I know others have said this... but it's wild how someone can immediately compartmentalize their feelings and suddenly "poof"... I am so glad that you're going to try and see what's left of things with your M and that you're going on a fabulous vacation!

 

Please come back with a nice update for us and hopefully with a great story to tell about your adventure.

[Heather1]

Thanks everyone....I'm SO excited about this trip!!! Perfect timing!!

 

Weird events today. OM doesn't know I'm leaving & I told you all he said he wanted to stop the A, but start coming in to my work after almost 7 or 8 months of not coming in?? And he said he wanted me to act "normal." So his best friend calls my work to say they're all coming in & I answered the phone. I said, "Miss you guys, but I won't be here." I'm SOOOOOOO glad I'm not going to be there!! Talk about awkward & I really don't want to break down in tears or anything in front of his friends. I don't understand why the sudden interest in coming to my work on the days he knows I work? What I didn't tell his buddy is I'll be gone the next week too. I don't want him to have a whole lot of info on my whereabouts, but I'm glad I got the chance to tell his best friend I won't be seeing them, I'll be having FUN!!!

 

Then a guy who works for his family came in. I'm like a sister to this family, worked for them for years (long story). Anyway, I was happy, excited, didn't bring his name up to either man. I had a good day. If there's a report back, it'll just be that I'm happy. That's what I want him to hear!! I actually don't care what he hears, I'm just glad I don't have to be at work Friday & have that awkward moment where I know I'll want to cry. He knows I will too.

 

Chin up huh?

 

Take care, I'll sign in after my trip!!

[ladydesigner]

Wow have a great trip, sure sounds like fun. I hope it eats away at OM that you are not at work, I guess I shouldn't wish that but I do for you. Have a good time.

[Heather1]

I'm back (kind of...not home yet, at my mom's). I had the BEST time!! One good thing about no one knowing is that I can't even talk about it. I thought about him once, alone on a run. The rest of the time I was with my girlfriends & havng a blast!

I'm now at my mom's helping her out this week & fly home Sunday.

One thing (since I've isolated myself for years) is listenng to comments about "cheaters.". I felt like crap, I'm the woman they hate & they don't even know it....even my mom.

It's weird too, my lifestyle & friends are due to my H. The OM may have a ton of money, but I don't like his friends. Our friends are really great, successful, humble people. OM's friends are not so successful users.

It's been 3 weeks of NC. I'm feeling really good, myself?? I haven't been myself in years. OM probably thinks I dropped of the earth. I also changed my work schedule, so even if he does come in, I won't be there.

This few weeks has really helped me break my addiction to him & find my feet again. Whenever I think of contacting him, I just know it will hurt more than make me feel better. If he contacted me? I'm hoping that never happens, since I've severed almost all our ties.

[Just a stone's throw]

I'm back (kind of...not home yet, at my mom's). I had the BEST time!! One good thing about no one knowing is that I can't even talk about it. I thought about him once, alone on a run. The rest of the time I was with my girlfriends & havng a blast!

I'm now at my mom's helping her out this week & fly home Sunday.

One thing (since I've isolated myself for years) is listenng to comments about "cheaters.". I felt like crap, I'm the woman they hate & they don't even know it....even my mom.

It's weird too, my lifestyle & friends are due to my H. The OM may have a ton of money, but I don't like his friends. Our friends are really great, successful, humble people. OM's friends are not so successful users.

It's been 3 weeks of NC. I'm feeling really good, myself?? I haven't been myself in years. OM probably thinks I dropped of the earth. I also changed my work schedule, so even if he does come in, I won't be there.

This few weeks has really helped me break my addiction to him & find my feet again. Whenever I think of contacting him, I just know it will hurt more than make me feel better. If he contacted me? I'm hoping that never happens, since I've severed almost all our ties.

 

Heather, welcome back! Good to hear that you're alive, well and kickin' a$$! I wouldn't worry too much about your friends. If they knew the story (which I don't advise at all) I'll bet at least one or two would be supportive, it's just the group mentality. I'll bet even if you isolated one or two they may be even in your spot or almost were at one time but are not saying anything either. It's just the popular/normal stance to take on cheating. How did the H do without you? Has the time away helped at alll there? Will you continue to work on the M when you return and has the NC made a difference in your viewpoint of your M?

 

All questions I continue to struggle with so hearing your answers helps. I'm on 3 weeks of NC from ExMM but did drop him an email over a week ago but I have maintained NC since and I have to say it is getting better here too. H and I are doing good.

 

Enjoy the rest of your time away!

[Heather1]

It's been a nice break from both H & OM, without being seperated. My H has been acting like a champ through my mom's surgery & told me to stay longer for her recovery. I'll be here another week. The stress of my H injuries, my in laws health & close friends dying really is what got me into the A. I was in a "life is short" mode. I wanted OM to be my oasis, and he was for awhile. When I went to visit my Mom in the hospital today my attitude is "life is short, be the best person you can be.". I don't want my legacy to be the destruction of 2 families. I wish my ending with OM would have been a nice good bye, but then maybe we'd never stop?? It was really hard to get out of!!

Did he get ahold of you when you broke NC?

[Just a stone's throw]

No, I did not expect him to. He was clear that we needed some time to get our act together separately and I was clear that I couldn't be trusted to be "just friends" yet. My email to him was more of a statement of still being "untrustworthy" but working at it and things were getting better from that end and in my M. He had wished me well with rebuilding the M and I think he was sincere about that. I was 99% certain I wouldn't get a response but if I would have what would that have meant? He's much stronger than me when it comes to that. I know the NC has been hard on him too.

[JustJoe]

I want to thank you ladies for your insightfull posts. Until I read this thread, I was not all that apologetic about being an OM. But after reading your posts, I am now truly ashamed. I apologized to my MW's husband, but didn't really mean it. Now I do. Her husband was clueless just like your poor husbands. What an ******* I am!!

[Just a stone's throw]

I want to thank you ladies for your insightfull posts. Until I read this thread, I was not all that apologetic about being an OM. But after reading your posts, I am now truly ashamed. I apologized to my MW's husband, but didn't really mean it. Now I do. Her husband was clueless just like your poor husbands. What an ******* I am!!

 

JJ. Healing from this A is a multi-fold process; at least for me. I am working on separating myself from a very good friend who I shared a relationship with and I am also working on my marriage and getting to a point of peace with my husband and our relationship. This post with Heather has been to deal with more the first aspect of getting over the MM. I have not gone into detail as to what I have done to work on my marriage. I appreciate that you feel the need to judge me because I haven't "revealed" my A to my husband but as I have stated in my other post, it is something I have to decide the time and place for that portion of the reconciliation. I have no need to apologize to MM wife. That was how you chose to deal with your guilt.

[JustJoe]

No, Stone's, I didn't mean now, I meant while the A was going on. Whether you or Heather will tell, isn't my concern here. I'm just interested in the whole mindset of a WS. It has given me a lot of insight into my MW's behavior, and explains about her husband's lack of awareness. I never lied to anyone, but now I wish I had confronted her sooner, so she would have been forced to choose, sparing her husband. I can only say that I did what I could, when the time came. I'm sorry for the t/j, I just wanted to express my thanks.

[JustJoe]

I would like to ask a question. Do you Ladies wish that the issue had been forced sooner, or do you take a more fatalistic approach, and think that the affair ended when it was time for it to end?

[Heather1]

My H knows, to an extent. He knew I was attracted to OM & I told him I was getting in trouble. He didn't seem too concerned & then I told him about a month after the PA. He has no idea it's gone back & forth since then (about a year and a half). It was a wake up call for us for sure! We needed to look at our future together & see if we still want to be together. My H wants us to stay together. I'm deciding still I guess. His reactions have been understanding, and this time away from both is helping a lot. I've ended up spending the time with OUR friends & family. We live 400 miles from here, but we grew up here 10 blocks from each other. Divorcing him would be divorcing a lot of people. OM & I never talked about leaving our spouses (except to say we wouldn't leave for each other, we were trying to be realistic).

 

As for timing...hmmmmm

I wish we would have ended on a high, caring note last year. We said our goodbyes, he said it wasn't what he wanted to do but it was the right thing to do & I could tell how hard it was for him & that he truely cared about me. About a month later we had contact & it's been back & forth ever since, & WAY more hurtful! He's just really guilty & flip flops all the time. So I guess the loving ending wasn't going to work or we'd get back together. I'm hurt enough now to not get back together, and his W still has no clue who I am, so this is still an ok ending. I don't want to hurt him or his family.

I have no idea what his thoughts are now. I wished him my best & after his mad "I'm done too" email I sent a few more wanting to end things well & he never called or replied after that. He's the one who wanted out, so I did the best I could & didn't put up a fight.

[JustJoe]

Thanks, Heather for answering. I didn't want to thread-jack too much, but I'm still new and can't PM yet. When I'm able to , I would really like to talk privately with you.:D

[Heather1]

No worries!

Bottom line for my situation was OM was getting sick all the time & totally conflicted. I didn't want that for him, so I gave him his space & he always left a crack in the window. I slammed it shut, for him not me. My feelings are still stronger for OM.

I bring my Mom home today. Wish we had a place to go where we could spend 3 days on Morphine for the pain huh? Nowhere to go when your heart gets ripped out from an A being the OP. Glad this is here.

[ladydesigner]

Heather it sounds like you are doing Fab!!! Yay:bunny: It's good to hear both you and Just a Stone's Throw marriages are doing better. Mine is moving forward in a positive direction too. Maybe it's something in the water.

 

Little T/J here since I like the question JJ

 

I would like to ask a question. Do you Ladies wish that the issue had been forced sooner, or do you take a more fatalistic approach, and think that the affair ended when it was time for it to end?

 

I actually tried to end the A before it turned physical, but my XOM pursued me relentlessly. He ended up being the one to end it, but I believe it was time for it to end since I knew I was not leaving my M and he knew he wasn't leaving his GF.

[ladydesigner]

Wish we had a place to go where we could spend 3 days on Morphine for the pain huh? Nowhere to go when your heart gets ripped out from an A being the OP. Glad this is here.

 

Amen sister! Thank god for LS!

[Just a stone's throw]

JJ, I would never have been strong enough to end it. Bottom line. I cared for him and I had tried, we both had tried to end it prior and remain "friends" in a platonic sense but it never worked. He still left the door open for me to contact him once I feel I can honestly say I can handle a "friendly relationship". I don't know that I can. Reading here on LS has opened my eyes to that. Some days I do and some I know I will want more. We have a professional relationship so it may be tested anyway. We both have admitted that we'll have to be strong for each other to keep us both on track. I don't want to see his family hurt. He loves his kids more than anything. I don't know that he'll go to any extent to reconcile with his wife other than to keep things status quo for the family. I do know that he cares for me in his own way and needed to end it for both of us. It's some consollation.

 

Heather, it's good that you have some of the information out there with your husband. I have yet to accept that I can do that. I do think about it all the time though.

[Just a stone's throw]

Oh yeah, timing. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I think I've stated that elsewhere in another thread so won't get detail-y on that. But there is a time and a place for everything to come to an end. (turn turn turn.... )

[bestplayer]

It's been a nice break from both H & OM, without being seperated. My H has been acting like a champ through my mom's surgery & told me to stay longer for her recovery. I'll be here another week. The stress of my H injuries, my in laws health & close friends dying really is what got me into the A. I was in a "life is short" mode. I wanted OM to be my oasis, and he was for awhile. When I went to visit my Mom in the hospital today my attitude is "life is short, be the best person you can be.". I don't want my legacy to be the destruction of 2 families. I wish my ending with OM would have been a nice good bye, but then maybe we'd never stop?? It was really hard to get out of!!

Did he get ahold of you when you broke NC?

 

life is short, be the best person you can be

 

great thought about life Heather1 & its so encouraging .

 

thanks

[JustJoe]

Thank you Stones. Maybe we can talk sometime, I'd like that.