I am confused. Should I contact him?

[sad in new york]

Can someone please help me analyze my situation?

 

I am 36, my ex bf is 48. Both of us have never been married. He had several long-term relationships in the past. He was engaged to his last ex then he broke off the engagement. That relationship lasted about 5 years. We started dating about 3 years ago. It was not first sight love for me. My love for him was developed gradually. I was attactive to his kindness and thoughtfulness. We enjoyed our time together. He told me onetime that this was the best relationship he had ever had. Time passed fast. One year ago, I started noticing that he had not shown any signs of wanting to be committed.

 

I wrote him a long letter last May about my concerns that he seemed not to be able to make commitment. He admitted he had hesitancy to make commitment, and stated he had become very cautious after he broke off his last engagement. He also stated he was afraid to get divorced one day like his parents. He still remembered how his mother suffered from divorce. Then he also stated that he was very serious about our relationship because he hoped it was the one for him. He mentioned that he felt I did not fully like some of his qualities, but just accept them. It made him feel insecure sometimes. I told him that I did not enjoy all his qualities, but I loved who he was. He seemed he did not accept it. I told him that I did not want to wait for him anymore after spending 2 ½ years together if he could not make a commitment. I requested a break. He agreed. I could not keep my own promise of not seeing him. I went back to him in few days (bad decision!!)

 

The following 2 months seemed wonderful. I did not pressure him about commitment. On September 1, 2003, after a normal uneventful weekend, he stated he wanted to talk to me. He said he had been thinking about the letter I wrote in May, and my desire of getting married. He stated he felt more love for me over the past 2 months, but he still could not make up his mind, and he did not know why. He said he was frustrated and felt guilty of keeping me. He said the request I made few months ago (take a break) might be a good idea. I agreed. He emailed me 1week later, and told me he missed me. I replied that I missed him too. We kept emailing each other over the next few weeks. In between, he left to Asia for 3 weeks on business. On Oct 12, we went to friend’s wedding together under my request since I made reservation few months ago. We enjoyed seeing each other that day, and we started talking on phone few times a week. I questioned him again why he could not make commitment. Again, he said he could not give a clear answer. “ Something holds me back.”…He also said “ great love does not lead to marriage sometimes”. I was very upset to hear it. I blamed him that he wasted so much of my time…I also said some strong words I should not say…For the next few days, I was struggling with myself. My mind told me that I should move on, but my heart did not want to give it up. On Oct 25, we met again under my request ( I wanted a final closure). He said he still loved me, but he did not want me to keep my hope up since he did not know when he would be able to make a commitment. He kissed me in the car. I got home at 3am that day. He called few times to make sure I got home safely. I said goodnight to him but only slept 2 hrs. I decided that I could not take the emotional stress anymore. I made up my mind to move on that day. I mailed him back his cloths 10 days later. He emailed me another 10days later…stated “ the sadness still feels fresh.”. I emailed him a week later, stated “ I realized how vulnerable I had been to our past. I still care for you, but I need sometime to reprogram myself and build a future that I am looking for. Should you become interested to be part of the future, I would consider it at that time. For now, I prefer not to be contacted.”. I did not send him a card on his birthday and on holidays. I have not heard from him since. I have to admit that I still miss him. My friend suggested me to email me again. I think I should not. If he wants me, he should contact me first. Am I right? or maybe I am wrong, he needs some encouragement? Can someone give me some input here?

[caretoomuch]

Sad,

 

What do you want ... do not deny yourself happiness for the unwritten rule of 'he must contact me first'. to much is lost in this world due to these unwritten rules.

 

if you want him and he you then contact him. men feel scared sometimes and will not make the first move. if you want him then talk. address his fears and help him through them. life is a risk and all relationships can go bad at any stage and he needs to know this but also many relationships last forever ... is what you 2 have now any different to marriage ... how is possible divorce in the future any different to what you are doing to each other now ... you are not together and time and love is being wasted.

 

take the initiative in the name of love and talk ... it is the only way.

[Reckless]

Sounds like you've done the right thing. Your ex is a mature man who knows his own mind, he's been in relationships in the past but does not want to marry. He loves you but doesn't want to be married. If you can accept that (not just for a time being but for life) then go back to him. But don't go back expecting him to change his mind.

 

It's not a war, you don't wait him out to 'win' or write him and 'lose' you have to make the decision in your heart and live with it. If marriage is that important to you then go find a man for whom it is equally important. If he changes his mind and his love for you is greater than his fear of marriage he'll contact you. Based on his past record though, I'd not hold my breath.

 

R.

[sarah12]

I completely agree with Reckless. Sometimes you can love someone alot, but you may not necessarily want the same things in life. Obviously marriage is what you have always wanted, so you should continue to pursue that route. He is not ready for it and may never be. If you cannot accept that in your life, then the only choice you have is to move on.

[sad in new york]

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your opinions very much.

 

I questioned him months ago if he would ever be capable to commit to any woman. He insisted he wanted to have marriage and family. I suggested him to see a counselor to explore his issues. He said he had couple counseling with ex during the breakup, and it did not help. He said he would try again but never did it. On sept 1, 2003, he told me he really wanted to get married and got over with it, and he was frustrated that he could not make up his mind. Is it possible that some people can never make the commitment even though they have the desire of doing so?

[Dora]

Man would never get married if they didn't have to. when a man says "i am not ready to make commitment" it only meant "I am not ready to commit with YOU"(the very individual who asks him to make commitment). but he may marry someone else tomorrow morning before you know it.... someone he thinks that he couldnt live without it, someone he had to have....

 

If marriage is what you expected from him, I would say, "Don't call him". you have told him what you want and what you need, if he is able to give it to you, and he feels that he can NOT live without you, then, he will contact you.

 

 

He doesn't need a therapist. Many people used "I am not able to make commitment..." as excuses , eventually they all got married. they just didnt marry the one to whom they said "I am not ready"

[sad in new york]

Thank you for the insight.

 

I think you are right. I will not contact him.

[dlb311]

Does it just suck. You found someone you love. Someone you can see yourself with till you can't even think that far ahead. I am kind of going through a similar situation. I was with my ex for 2 years. We are farely young. So the tentative plans we made scared him. I am 22 and he is 24. We were so very happy and good together. Got a long and saw eye to eye one 99% of all issues. He had asked me to move in with him alot during the relationship. But I felt not ready for that step. Then he was finishing up school. And said if it would be good if we moved in together after he graduated. so we were planning for this past September. Two weeks before he was to finish moving his things in he broke it off. I knew he was being distant, but wasn't sure why? It was really hard for me I finally after 3 months meet someone else that made me feel so good. I thought if I can like and be interested in someone again then I can move on. So I did. We stopped all contact and then for Christmas he texted me Merry Christmas. I waited a day and wrote back thanks, happy holiday. That was that. Then New Years he texted me again. But I was moving on so I didn't reply. A couple days later well about a week ago exactly he called me. I answered and we chated for hours. he said he wanted to hang out and missed talking to me. It was good. I wasn't sure what he wanted he didn't talk about it. So Wednesday we we out. We had dinner, went bowling and saw a movie. During the movie he grabbed my hand. Then when he dropped me off hugged and lend in for a kiss but I pulled away because I wasn't sure what to do. He said he wanted to kiss me but was still confused. I said then don't kiss me. Then he asked me to stay and chat so we did. Then I hjust had to kiss him so I did. And it was wonderful. But still he was like I got scared I don't know why? But he ha called me everyday since but I am keep my distance I don't want to get hurt . I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But if he is so scared it may keep him from ever make that next step. I think he is like this and probably will be for a while. he just isn't ready. Which I can totally understand but but he said this is what he wants he wants to date me and try again but do it real slow. But yet he calls me everyday since our date? I don't know what to do. Because I know if we date and date others it wil get way messy. what to do is it possible that he will get over this? I am not sure if he just doesn't want to be commited or if he is just freaked about life like most guys?