I need Advice ASAP!!

[Flower]

I have been going out with the same guy for 5 yrs. But at the beginning of the year in January he decided to join the Navy. Now things are really tough between us, we don't know how to handle being apart from each other, and not being jealous at what the other person is doing without them. We planned on moving in together in Febuary when he gets back from his first deployment. But now everything has suddenly changed. Last night, he started talking like he didn't know if he wanted me anymore and didn't know if he could handle my insecurities. Well before we got off of the phone after a 2 hr. conversation, he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore and didn't want to deal with my insecurities anymore, because he is unhappy. The funny thing is, I got a card in the mail from him today, and it said the exact opposite. And in this situation he is in total control because he calls me from a payphone every night, so I can't even call him and ask him to talk to me about the card. I am so confused and upset at this situation. I need some serious advice on what I should do. This is killing me inside and I have no family or friends to talk about this with. Please someone help me ASAP!!

 

FLOWER

[Randy]

Many people who join the military when life seems to be going pretty well for them outside are very confused, particularly when the economy is great and unemployment is extremely low. No doubt he's confused about most of his life right now, including his relationship with you.

 

There is simply no way he is able to guarantee your inclusion in his life in the military. Unless the two of you are a married couple, you cannot live together in government housing on land bases. The greater percentage of naval personnel spend the bulk of their time on ships at sea or in port and you would have great difficulty fitting into his life in the military.

 

I really don't know what he was thinking when he joined the Navy but something strange was going on in his life, some type of confusion, etc. He still seems very confused, as shown by the conflicts between his card and his call.

 

Since you, and not he, are responsible for your happiness, you will have to think this out carefully and with a clear mind. He is going to be in the military for at least four years. You have been seeing him for five years. I think by now the two of you should know the precise direction the relationship is going or in which you want it to go.

 

Now you didn't say much about your end of the recent telephone conversation so it's really hard to go from here. If you had a demanding, angry and pushy tone on the telephone, he may have been justified in becomming irritated and perhaps saying things he didn't mean. Only you can answer that question.

 

If you have been seeing him for five years, certainly you discussed his entering the Navy at length before he joined and came to some mutual agreements as to the course of the relationship as it relates to his naval career. He has taken the oath and unless he becomes disabled or insane, he cannot breach his contract with the U.S. Navy. You are both stuck with his decision.

 

He is probably not happy with a lot of what's going on in his military service. He is probably overwhelmed with demands from superiors for all kinds of things. If he gets on the phone with you and does not get some sort of break from those pressures, he is apt not to want to talk to you. His phone calls may be his only relief from the pressures of his new life. He needs someone to talk to, to be supportive, and not to be making demands of him or giving him ultimatums.

 

You will hear from him again when he cools off. Don't be pressuring him and be as kind as you can. But over a period of time, you will have to resolve the critical relationship issues created by his entrance into the Navy.

 

As far as his being in control of the calls, that's the deal. He probably cannot receive personal calls on military phones and must call you when he is not on duty, on extra watch, studying for advancement, spit-shining his shoes, polishing his belt buckle, participating in physical training, etc. So don't give him hell for that.

 

My suggestion is that you be kind and supportive of him for a period of time and cool your jets. If you really care for him, understand you can't change circumstances now. You have to work with them. If after a period of time you feel being away from him is intolerable, which is what he is probably predicting at this time, then you will have to move on.

 

You may have very well given him the idea that the relationship would end if he didn't do one thing or another. Many people are inclined to terminate relationships themselves if they fear the other person is going to do it eventually.

 

The only thing you can do here is be kind, understanding, patient and deal with the situation one day at a time. Try to change your attitude in a major way. Try thinking about it while taking a cold shower.

 

If you are nice to him but his attitude doesn't change, then you and you alone must make the decision of what to do next. The fact that you have five years invested in this relationship should have no bearing on your decision. Circumstances change, people change. Some circumstances are more easy to adapt to than others. But when a lady's boyfriend is aboard a destroyer on the high seas or at a very distant duty station, it becomes infinitely more difficult to arrive at suitable relationship compromises.

 

If you have serious problems dealing with jealousy because he is away from you, see a counsellor. An excellent therapist can give you techniques to make you realize how great it is to have a mate who will be able to carry on in life if anything should happen to you or a mate who can adapt to major changes during your life with him.

 

When he comes home on leave, both of you should see a good relationship counsellor, perhaps one provided free at the nearest Naval base to your home, and get assistance in working out the difficulties that this new situation has created.

 

Ultimately, it is you who will decide whether you want to endure being the lady of a Navy man or moving in another direction.

[Miranda]

Randy's much better at this than I am.

 

IMHO, don't hold out for this man. When he gets his self together, be may be too ashamed of how he treated you to come back.

 

I'm sorry if you have no family or friends to turn to.

 

Please try to see a counselor, pastor, etc., to talk to...you need to talk to someone.

 

It will be an extremely painful thing to do, but you need to let go of him.

 

Good luck.

[Flower]

This is Flower letting you know how things turned out. The very next day he called and we worked things out. We now listen to each other and have conversations, rather than argue and talk over the other person. Ever since Saturday night we have been getting along great, and I really don't think things will be getting worse but much better. I love him and he loves me and our determination is what changed everything.

 

Thanks though for the Advice.