Sneak attack

[mikeymad]

Ok, so after my wife and I went to court last week, she said what she said, blah blah blah I went emotionally bankrupt. (another thread) Then went numb. Weird feeling. Also turned me into an insensitive a-hole (sorry Lisa). The thing is I thought I was going through all this change for the better and moving on, but I'm scared it's only temporary, like it was my body's defense mechanism that just got wore out. I feel the pain creeping back into my brain bit by bit. It's like a zombie that never dies and never stops chasing you. As soon as you let up it's on you. I've tried to fill my life with activities, with trying this online dating thing (still terrified of actually meeting another person in the "real world") to keep me from hurting and being lonely, and going to support groups. It only works for a short amount of time, but it's like the hurt comes on stronger because I've been ignoring it. And believe me I've had plenty of "quiet time" to reflect as well.

Part of me is weak I know. I still live dangerously close to her (>2 miles) and I have to drive near the house on the way to/from work 4 times a day. I can't seem to fully commit to NC, as part of me is clutching for anything. Funny thing is she's going NC from me and treating me like a leper. I can't seem to cut the cord...it just feels.....wrong to give up. I've tried to go NC from LS for the past few days, so yes Lisa I understand exactly where you are coming from as this being the only place to vent. I too, have nowhere else to go.

I'm bitter. Bitter at couples I see. Bitter at my friend's marriages, that I'm the only single one...the black sheep. Bitter that people tell me that I should move on, and that "you're young". Bitter that now I have nothing and have to start all over, in this, in career, basically in life.

I feel pathetic coming here and taking peoples precious time and resources from those who probably need it most. So if you have read this far, I apologize, this was a rant, and since I can't yell it out...I'll type it out.

[carhill]

From someone older and farther along in the process, I can empathize and share what has worked for me...

 

1. Acceptance. Accept those aspects of life which are outside your control.

 

2. Friends. Re-invest in friendships. This does not mean dump on friends. Support, engage and celebrate those friends who are there for you. Give back. It shows you that you can give and it is returned in a healthy way. It's great energy.

 

3. Don't 'date'. Let yourself heal first, emotionally and mentally. Enjoy women; engage them. Be friendly and open. Leave the dating alone for now.

 

4. Get a cat

 

Keep us posted on your progress. You'll note I didn't mention anything about work. To me, working is like breathing, so I keep on breathing and the bills get paid. That's separate from recovering from a divorce, which is like a death. Best wishes

[mikeymad]

well i was a startup business during this whole mess, which detracted from me actually putting into it what I needed (on both ends), so I'm in the process of selling/closing it, and taking a step back to focus on my life without all that pressure on both ends. So that's a fun little twist to that

 

it's weird, i'll get these little inspirational bursts when i feel good and think everything is gonna be ok and I've got a plan, then it's like reality slaps me in the face and says, look where you are...be real. And I succumb to that. I hate that. I wasn't born to play small or be mediocre.

Edited March 12, 2010 by mikeymad

[Gunny376]

What I would recommend you do?

 

Is go down to the local libary and check out any and all books of the life of Abraham Lincolon.

 

What a freaking screw up! What a FU!

 

The man was a complete and total failure for most of his life. A complete and total loser!

 

His wife was a complete and total basket case. Caused him nothing but misery, hate, and discontent.

 

Not only was he the President of the United States during the War Between the States, (aka the Civil War) but he all but caused a civil war among the remaining Union States

[Gunny376]

When Thomas Edison (who had less than a middle school education) was trying to invent the light bulb, tried over 1000 different filaments.

 

When asked about it, he simply said, "I've discovered 1000 ways not to fail"

 

Google Dale Carnegie and Napoleon Hill ~ they're old but classics ~ better yet attend one of Dale Carnegie's classes which are still being taught today!

[JLoves]

Mikey: I'm with you on this.. My life went into overdrive downhill this week just when I thought I was doing ok. (Found my stbx is in a relationship). I feel angry every time I see a couple driving down in a car or walking by. People telling me that it will get better are right, but it's not what I want to hear.

 

After the kids go to bed I'm so lonely, I can't get on with the creative work I've committed to because I sit there and think about what if this, if I said that.

 

I end up staying up way past my bedtime because I don't want to lie there thinking. Being super tired is the only guarantee I'll fall asleep. I regret it every morning.

 

The only exception to this is that I see a old couple walking their dog nearly every day and they are always holding hands. It's the only thing that reminds me that two people can be together and enjoy each others company, forever.

 

The next person who says 'in time you'll get over it' I'll shoot.

 

Carhill: My brain thinks all your suggestions are great. My heart that's sitting in a coffin with all the nails hammered in doesn't want to.

 

Hang in there Mikey, keep posting.. No one minds here.

[mikeymad]

When Thomas Edison (who had less than a middle school education) was trying to invent the light bulb, tried over 1000 different filaments.

 

When asked about it, he simply said, "I've discovered 1000 ways not to fail"

 

Google Dale Carnegie and Napoleon Hill ~ they're old but classics ~ better yet attend one of Dale Carnegie's classes which are still being taught today!

 

There is actually an inpirational clip on youtube that talks about all those people.

 

Yes, I've read think and grow rich and how to make friends and influence people. I've listened to earl nightengales grestest secret in the world. I've met marc victor hanson (of chicken noodle soup series) and listened to anthony robbins, john demartini, robert kyrosaki, and brian tracy. I fully believe in the power of intent and goal setting and speaking things into existance, but action is a determining factor there. This is just weighing me down so much.

 

Jloves- I hear you. I know I should expect it, but small changes my w makes kill me. NC-ed me pretty much since last week. Changed her voicemail greeting. I am trying to prepare myself for when the 4 things that will hurt the most happen. The D being finalized, her changing her name, anulling our marriage in the church, and being in a R with somebody else. Guess it hurts more when you care about the other person.

 

Maybe that's why I'm searching for something/someone. So I don't have to be the one who is left in the dust while she moves on. Maybe its to make her feel pain. Maybe its to prove to myself I still have it.

 

The thing is, part of me wants to go up to her door and cuss her out for the way she's been treating me. The other part wants to bring flowers and try to open up communication. I'd probably get a restraining order either way

[carhill]

Carhill: My brain thinks all your suggestions are great. My heart that's sitting in a coffin with all the nails hammered in doesn't want to.

 

I sympathize. Those results, and I'm still going through the process, having been separated for over a year now, are a function of the MC my stbx and I received to recover our M. What the process did was provide me with clarity, both about myself, my mistakes in the M and my perspectives, as well as tools to recover the M, if recoverable, or accept the divorce, if that was (is) to be the path.

 

As another poster mentioned (I think it was Meerkatstew), those are 'great theraputic tools' but no panacea. I agree and feel whatever resources one can gather to get through the death of a relationship in a positive way are beneficial, as is acceptance that there will be negatives and sadness and hurt and anger. Feel those things; celebrate that you can, for if you can, you can again feel love and joy. When life is over, none of that remains, only memories, so live it while you can

[Gunny376]

I fully believe in the power of intent and goal setting and speaking things into existence, but action is a determining factor there. This is just weighing me down so much.

 

And that's what I've found I had to do? Get up and get just simply get busy getting busy, out and about in the World.

 

It doesn't have to be anything major, just the simple things of going about day to day living for a start.

 

As for the sleep thing? I found that forcing myself out of the bed, hitting the gym first thing, (even if I didn't feel like it) hitting the showers, getting and staying organized, running errands, doing chores.

 

There are times that I only get six hours of sleep a night, and there are others I get eight. I'm still on the melatonin (10mg ~ an non-addictive, over the counter, non-prescription, natural sleep aid. Its the substance that our bodies naturally produce to regulate our biological clock and sleep patterns ~ found in the natural herb and vitamin section of WallyWorld and most any pharmacy)

[floridapad]

The thing is, part of me wants to go up to her door and cuss her out for the way she's been treating me. The other part wants to bring flowers and try to open up communication. I'd probably get a restraining order either way

 

 

I know this feeling all too well. Sorry to hear your in a bit of a backsilde but recognize that is what it is. How long or deep this backslide goes is up to you. Stay focused on going down the path of healing. Don't be afraid to grieve but remember the only way through the grieving is by accepting your loss. Don't be afraid to tell yourself it's over. That was the only way I could heal and accept. To tell myself it's over. Again and Again. That and a couple of nurses, one or two strip clubs, some friendly dating, and shear determination to not allow my W to cause me so much friggin pain. I always remembered that If I ever did reconcile with my W I didn't want the extreme anger to come out for the pain she caused me. So the only way I could overcome that anger if we did reconcile was to hold my self responsible for my own happiness in the moment and rely on her for ZERO emotional support. At some point you will need to decide that your wifes actions will no longer hurt you. It's not an overnight thing but a choice you need to make and have strength and determination to stick with it. Time and perserverance.

[aimchase]

Mikey,

 

Absolutely everything you said is the same as how i've felt, so don't think it's a sign that you're failing to cope as well as others. Everybody goes through the same process - well, everyone who has values and a kind heart!

 

I know exactly what you mean by the inspirational moments. You'll have a day where things just feel 'better'. You'll get involved in something, and feel that you're ready to move on - there's good things out there and you're about to get them.

 

A day or two later you're back to being sucked into the regret and disappointment that, just for one minute, you thought you were starting to leave behind. It feels like a vicious cycle and a constant return to square one which will see no light.

 

You speak of Lisa, and she has evidently gone through the same wave of good and bad days, so i'll repeat what I said to her.....

 

It's not about how you are from one day to the next. It's how you are from one period to the next. A good gage would be, say, three months. So for example, in a couple of weeks, compare how you feel at the current time, to how you felt at Christmas. There will almost certainly be some change, it might not be a step to happiness, but there will be changes.

 

For me, I found that although I was by no means over my ex and still yearned for her, I wasn't burning up anywhere near as much energy by way of emotion. My concentration and performance at work had also improved, therefore whilst I was still feeling down, I noted positive steps had in fact been made.

 

I also remember that I would fall asleep at night, then wake up at 5:30am every single morning with a feeling of dread in my stomach. That had gone, and I was able to sleep until I needed to get up (more like 7:30am). Again, another positive mental step, even if underneath you are still far from happy.

 

Don't dismiss these small things that change, they are PROOF that you can and will move on, no matter how unbelievable that sounds at the present time.

 

Have a nice weekend.

 

Aim

[mikeymad]

Here's that inspirational video about the famous failures

 

And a great one starring michael jordan

 

And this one most people should watch every day

[LisaUk]

Ok, so after my wife and I went to court last week, she said what she said, blah blah blah I went emotionally bankrupt. (another thread) Then went numb. Weird feeling. Also turned me into an insensitive a-hole (sorry Lisa). The thing is I thought I was going through all this change for the better and moving on, but I'm scared it's only temporary, like it was my body's defense mechanism that just got wore out. I feel the pain creeping back into my brain bit by bit. It's like a zombie that never dies and never stops chasing you. As soon as you let up it's on you. I've tried to fill my life with activities, with trying this online dating thing (still terrified of actually meeting another person in the "real world") to keep me from hurting and being lonely, and going to support groups. It only works for a short amount of time, but it's like the hurt comes on stronger because I've been ignoring it. And believe me I've had plenty of "quiet time" to reflect as well.

Part of me is weak I know. I still live dangerously close to her (>2 miles) and I have to drive near the house on the way to/from work 4 times a day. I can't seem to fully commit to NC, as part of me is clutching for anything. Funny thing is she's going NC from me and treating me like a leper. I can't seem to cut the cord...it just feels.....wrong to give up. I've tried to go NC from LS for the past few days, so yes Lisa I understand exactly where you are coming from as this being the only place to vent. I too, have nowhere else to go.

I'm bitter. Bitter at couples I see. Bitter at my friend's marriages, that I'm the only single one...the black sheep. Bitter that people tell me that I should move on, and that "you're young". Bitter that now I have nothing and have to start all over, in this, in career, basically in life.

I feel pathetic coming here and taking peoples precious time and resources from those who probably need it most. So if you have read this far, I apologize, this was a rant, and since I can't yell it out...I'll type it out.

 

Hi Mikey

 

Welcome to the rollarcoaster, we are all on it with you and the downs are very down, BUT, they do become fewer and shorter in time. Aim is completely correct, when my ex left I could not eat. Literally. After about a week, my parents said if I did not eat they were taking me to the hospital, I lost 8lbs in 6 days. I no longer have to force feed myself. I could not sleep, it took ages to get to sleep and when I did it was plauged with dremas, nightmares about him, us and his leaving, it was broken, I would wake many times in the night to find my pillow soaked in tears. I would wake very early in the morning and not be able to get to sleep again. Now, I sleep fine most nights, I have the occasional bad dream, I do still dream about him sometimes but sometimes they are good, happy memories, or even him just being around in them.

 

You say the hurt comes stronger b/c you have been ignoring it and it sounds like you are worried you aren't moving on. You will move on in your own time, when you are good and ready and have completed your grieving, try not to force it or rush it, it is a HUGE cliche but time really is the only healer for this. So sorry to tell you but the only way through this is through it! We are all here for you though, to hold your hand through it and don't worry about posting here, it's what we are here for.

 

I noticed you mentioned the dating sites. Although it can be good to go out and have fun dates, please beware the rebound effect. Right now you will be needing to feel love and to express your love for your w, that is a dangerous combo at this time. I know, b/c I became involved with someone a while ago, he was in a similar position to me and whilst my feelings for him were genuine, there was nevertheless a rebound element at work. In the end I had to stop things with him and in the process I hurt him. Fortunately we are great friends now and he means so much to me I would always want him as a part of my life. My point though, it is a difficult time for you right now and perhaps getting involved with someone may not be a good idea for the time being?

 

Keep posting Mikey.

[mikeymad]

There's no way I can get involved with anyone else. I still care very deeply about my W, and it wouldn't feel right to be starting something with someone else whilst I am obviously still devoted to her, even through the way I/our situation is being handled by her. Besides, I am technically still married, no matter what the ring off her finger says, so I feel I must honor this marriage to its (probably bitter for her) end.

[mimidarlin]

About the dating sites,

 

I joined one about a month ago. I wanted to have some idea of prospects and get back into the practice of chatting up the opposite sex. It is so awkward. I'm sure my status as separated but not divorced doesn't help. All I expect from the site is to have a minimum of social interaction. There is no way that I will feel ready to go on an actual date soon. Messaging on the dating site feels like dipping my toe in the water. That's all I am comfortable with right now.

 

I haven't emotionally divorced my STBX. I think the grieving process is our path to emotionally divorcing our significant other. He's still in my heart. Sometimes I think that hating him would help me move on faster but I would be bitter. That would carry over into another relationship.

 

Man...moving on sucks.

[dgiirl]

The way I pictured grief was like a leaky faucet. At first the faucet is bursting water all over the place and like the faucet I was an emotional wreck, crying 24/7. After a while, I was able to slowly repair the faucet, and although it was still leaking, I could collect the water into a bucket. At first, the bucket would fill up fast, and I'd have to empty the bucket often, just like my tears. Over time the faucet leaked less and less, and less times I needed an emotional outlet.

 

Try not to be too critical of yourself during these down times. It's ok and healthy to grieve and it's better to grieve now when you are not ready to date, then in a few years from now, when you might be. Try to work through as much emotional baggage as you can now but be kind to yourself too. Know when it's ok to break down and when you need to pick yourself back up.

 

Also, don't feel obligated to the newbies to be strong. They need to know it's ok to grieve. They need to know that there will be ups and downs, and through your story you can show them that you can fall and then pick yourself right back up. Most importantly, they need to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's a long process. It might take a year or two or four to finally get through it. But everyone's story is important and needed here.

[mikeymad]

I know having these small milestones can yes, be an indicator of moving on. Part of me feels like the dog in pavlov's experiment. Not the one who hears a whistle and starts drooling, but the one in which a dog which is intermittently shocked, while yelping loudly at first, starts to accept the fact that he's getting shocked, and yelps less and less. The electric current is there, and he is still getting shocked, it's just the dog gives up and accepts that he's going to get shocked no matter what. To the outside world he appears to have no reaction, but that electricity is coursing through his body, wreaking havoc.

I supposed I'm not in the minority when I wonder how someone could just decide to leave and completely cut off contact. Yes, it hurts, but most of the time is it just plain mind boggling...

[LisaUk]

 

Man...moving on sucks.

 

I truely believe that is b/c it is not natural, it was not meant to be this way. You commit to someone for life, death brings a painful, but nevertheless natural end to a marriage. When one person chooses to walk form a marriage though, that is something entirely different. It is at a complete opposite to what is natural, the whole point of getting married is to commit, part of that commitment is security in knowing that this person loves you and will look for the best in you. We all get angry and upset with our spouse form time to time, yet underneath that anger or hurt is the underlying feelings of love, even in the midst of a rough time it is always there and it was drives us to resolve conflict. To find a way for both to feel their needs are met and happy. When one spouse no longer does this, turns their back, forgets the very soul and core of the person they married and walks away, the devastation is total. How exactly does someone ever get "over" that?

[mikeymad]

ugh. Something made me go to a church we used to go to together (i'm not catholic, she is), and as soon as I walked in...there she was. Part of me was screaming to go and sit by her, and it would be all serendipitous. The other part of me realized that real life does not mimic the movies, and she would probably assume i'm there stalking her, and i would get a document in the mail.

I left without her seeing me.

It was the hardest thing to do, knowing she was right in front of me and I had a chance to talk to her (unless she would bolt for the door). Funny how the cute things you used to do, surprises them at work, leave little notes/phone calls are ok when you're in an R, but it has the exact opposite effect when you aren't.

[tojaz]

Thats part of what makes going through this so hard Mikey. Your first instinct is to love her, protect her, do for her. It is very hard to supress that instinct when she has been a priority to you for so long. I hear my ex is unhappy, and even now I can't help but think of ways to make it better for her. That just shows your heart was in it and you loved her right. If it was easy, that would just mean it was never there to begin with.

TOJAZ

[mikeymad]

I know. And I continue to "woo" her in spite of the fact that she is not only non-reciprocal, but non-communicative period (and dumb ol me, already thinking about her birthday 2 months from now). She is NCing me, for whatever reason. It's sad, but at this point I would take her yelling at me over this dreaded silence. She has been slowly retracting, blocking myself and my friends online, deleting our wedding pictures, changing her relationship status (yes, social networking can be used as mental terror). But at least I would have part of her, be involved in some way. Now the silence is deafening. It's almost as if she is acting out of spite and vindictivness than actual logic. Yet I try to kill with kindness, to ride out the storm...

 

Why do I do this? If I could figure it out and perfect it LS would have a significant drop in posters, and I would be as popular as Gunny

 

Tojaz- Nobody said it would be easy. They said it would be worth it.

 

I know my actions can be interpreted in negative ways (and probably are) by her, and that I keep beating this proverbial dead horse with no success. I just can't seem to let go, that if I get one more chance I can make things better. Then two seconds later I tell myself I'm an idiot, and that she's treating me horribly. It's just this divorce limbo doesn't lend itself to anything good. Pain for pleasure, or pleasure for pain. Either way it's all the same. Hell, I can't even give her the space she needs. Why? Probably because I would do it just to make her miss me and come back, and I'm afraid she's just gonna keep on walking and not look back.

Yep, either major backslide, or new crap to wade through on this journey of "healing". I want good things for her, but I also want her to feel how I feel. I wonder if anything were to happen to me would she actually respond, or do you disappear out of their thought process forever.

 

Can't stop the hurt inside, where love and hate collide.

 

Just think, if love was perfect and good, I'd say a good 80% of the music we listen to wouldn't exist.

Edited March 15, 2010 by mikeymad

[mimidarlin]

Wow Mikey,

That anecdote about the dog being shocked hit close to home. I know that I will be hung up on my STBX for awhile even though he has hurt me a great deal. He has a lot of amazing qualities but he has acted like a real s**t at times. I'm not the only victim of this treatment. He needs a serious attitude adjustment. Sometimes I listen to his comments and wonder how he became so cynical and jaded. I know that our relationship is not the only reason that he has this attitude. I've noticed his negative attitude about multiple issues. He can be very rude and hateful. I've begun to wonder how long this has been developing.

 

How long have I tuned out this attitude and how much did I let it affect my attitude? I think that I became numb and his negativity just became part of the daily landscape. I'm not happy that he is leaving but I do feel a sort of weight being lifted.

 

Now that she is gone is there anything that is better for you Mikey? I can tell that you are feeling a great deal of strain on this roller coaster but you must feel some moments of relief.

[mikeymad]

why is going NC so hard? Man it's like a drug, I make a decision to, and then it's like my mind is saying "do it, maybe this email will make sense to her. Maybe she'll pick up this phone call. Nope, ok, next one." I feel like a glutton for punishment. and it's stupid, because I know it's not working. It's probably is pushing her away, because she won't even speak to me. That complete and utter rejection is the worst feeling.

 

My therapist says we havent been able to move forward much because I have been in crisis mode with this, my business, and family issues. It's always talking about dealing with the thing at hand. I'm stuck in square one mode and have been spinning my tires.

 

This is not supposed to happen to me. This is not the way I planned things to go. And I don't think I'll have a chance to make them right. I know the end result is that I will have learned a lot from this, but I am not sure if it means I will have learned all this but will be a wary untrusting person forever, hung up on this and never being able to erase this pain. I feel like a stranger in my own city. People don't understand that there is still emotional trauma there, and they assume everything is hunky dory. I'm starting to think that the numbness is starting to fade

 

Anyone else go through this craziness?

[Steadfast]

 

Anyone else go through this craziness?

 

 

No two breakups are exactly the same but yes, many here can relate exactly what you're going through by experience, past or present.

 

It may be hard to believe, but the very emotions you are feeling; hurt, abandonment, loneliness, grief and yes, even anger, are the very things that will serve you in healing. More than that, they will become a part of you and help shape the person you'll become. That's why it's important now to resist bitterness and spite. If allowed to bloom, they'll become a part of who you are as well and you don't want that. Also consider -not saying it's time for this, nor will it be anytime soon- that the pain and suffering you are experiencing will be part of a blessing to someone else someday. Someone you care very much about. Someone who will return your love in a way that'll make you realize it was all worth it.

 

Here's something else to wrap your head around. Much of what you're feeling isn't love Mike; it's selfishness. It's need and want. YOU want to feel better. YOU want her to wake up and realize what she's doing wrong. YOU want it back. YOU don't deserve this....it isn't what YOU expected. She doesn't want to see you because she can't give you what you want. Her issues are hers. Give them back.

 

Do you really want to do something she isn't expecting? Give her what she wants. Leave her alone. The next time you're tempted to call her, talk to her, see her or otherwise communicate, remind yourself that in doing so you're showing her that you love YOU more than you love her. Twisted as it sounds, you're threatening her right of choice. She has that right Mike, but so do you. Man up and let her go. What other choice do you have?

Edited March 17, 2010 by Steadfast

[SRV]

why is going NC so hard? Man it's like a drug, I make a decision to, and then it's like my mind is saying "do it, maybe this email will make sense to her. Maybe she'll pick up this phone call. Nope, ok, next one." I feel like a glutton for punishment. and it's stupid, because I know it's not working. It's probably is pushing her away, because she won't even speak to me. That complete and utter rejection is the worst feeling.

 

My therapist says we havent been able to move forward much because I have been in crisis mode with this, my business, and family issues. It's always talking about dealing with the thing at hand. I'm stuck in square one mode and have been spinning my tires.

 

This is not supposed to happen to me. This is not the way I planned things to go. And I don't think I'll have a chance to make them right. I know the end result is that I will have learned a lot from this, but I am not sure if it means I will have learned all this but will be a wary untrusting person forever, hung up on this and never being able to erase this pain. I feel like a stranger in my own city. People don't understand that there is still emotional trauma there, and they assume everything is hunky dory. I'm starting to think that the numbness is starting to fade

 

Anyone else go through this craziness?

 

To look at the peak of a mountain, you do not stand at its foot. You take a step, steps back from the foot and then look up at the peak.

 

You need to slowly center your emotions, you need to step back, get busy, occupy your mind with other stuff, an hour at a time, a day at a time eventually step back emotionally and really analyze your situation.

 

It will take hard work and discipline, difficult to do, easier said than done but totally achievable. Surround yourself with friends, family. Get that one buddy that can be sort of a sounding board, don't over do it and start to center yourself.

 

You have to accept your situation and forge a way forward, or else you will be stuck in this rut for a long time. Good luck to you!