Took her back and she broke my heart again

[ohwhyme]

Long story short. We dated for a over a year, broke up and then got back together again in the summer. She said she made a big mistake. She broke up with me again and then I told her never to contact me again. Our previous breakup didn't work together either. She broke up with me saying that she was confused. I eventually found her dating some other guy for a few days. We get back together in the summer, it was alright in the beginning. A little weird but we started to fight a little towards the end. I guess she just wanted how we were in the beginning... I put more effort into the relationship. Even the second time around heh.

 

She broke up with me today again for the second time. I deleted her from all social networks etc. I told her to never talk to me again. I feel bad for saying it because I just felt anger at the moment and it was just a big shock. I have no problems doing NC but I do feel pretty bad. She doesn't understand why we can't still be friends. I don't really see the point as we have nothing to talk about? I don't want to hear about who shes dating etc? I know it was harsh. It is weird to not talk to her but I have to hold myself together. I was fine without her the first time. Maybe its the end? Btw it was a long distance relationship for 2 years. I don't think shes dating anyone else but she is in the process of switching schools. I was going to come over and study over there but she just didn't even want to try? Even if she goes somewhere for school it will still be far away and I guess she doesnt want that. I guess I am not meeting her expectations for the future. She's from America and I'm from England just in case you didn't know.

 

She says she still loves me and that I would wait for her if I loved her. I could say the same to her heh.

 

Well I feel bad about telling her never to talk to me again. I already deleted her from fb and all my contacts. So whats done is done heh. Should I still apologize?

Edited March 12, 2010 by ohwhyme

[orangelondon]

Hey there

Exactly the same happened to me! I got back with someone after 8 months, she kept coming back here and there over that time too but didn't stay, she eventually realised that she wanted to be with me but freaked out again just before Xmas and now i've said the same, after finding out she is dating another guy which happened quickly after we split - she did this before too and promised never to do it again when we got back together - i've said 'don't contact me again'.

 

It is harsh but you have to protect yourself especially if she is a runner and keeps messing you about and ending the relationship, so she came back last time saying she had made a big mistake, so she's made it again?? I think its the same as my ex, they are just too emotionally immature to commit to a relationship and when you take them back you are facilitating their behaviour. They know they can leave you because you will take them back. I think the only way to deal with this is send a very clear message that its not okay by NC and moving on with your life. Maybe she will realise that she has made another 'mistake' but will you have her back this time? Why should you?

 

Its a big adjustment not talking to them and it will take time but if she is messing you around and then you have the difficulty of a long distance relationship on top of that then maybe focusing on yourself, healing and maybe eventually finding someone here might be the better option and it will make you a lot happier

[ohwhyme]

Thx for the reply m8. I'm sorry it had to happen to you. It happens to the best of us. For some reason I think we're just not meant to have monogomous relationships haha. I love her and I've been thinking about her a lot. I don't know why she just gives up on a whim. I try so hard, its not like im smothering her though. I'm not going to beg her back and I'm not going to do crap. I just don't understand her its like she always has something to hide. Like they just talk around the subject of the future etc. They don't just say I want to break up lol You have to like pry it out of them. Either that or they just lie because they are too scared to tell you the truth.

 

She said she's been thinking about it for a month and hasn't said anything about it or even tried to give any hints. I'm in the process of moving and she suddenly decides to break it off? It's like a commitment issue heh. I already feel stupid taking her back. You know those awkward situations where family is like is that the same guy you went to this place etc? Nope! And then the ex's come up and you think to yourself why did you even get into this situation in teh first place. I don't want to do that again. I already feel like the backup guy. I probably am better off without her. Are there even emotionally strong women out there?

 

Have you talked to her at all since? Any weird encounters?

[orangelondon]

yeah well these 'whims' totally crush us. Mine freaked as she has before, its like things build up and then its something small that she ends things over, usually in a rage. But it generally shows lack of commitment or she would try to work things out. Its easier for her to walk away and be in denial than take responsibility or try to change for the better.

 

From the time she left i made it clear i didn't want contact with her and when i found out she had met someone within a couple of weeks sent an email saying that i don't want anymore to do with her. It should be a wake up call but i think she is in a bubble and it might be further down the line she regrets the way she acted. I totally supported her and was very patient with all the coming and going but enough now.

 

I've not heard anything from her as told her i don't want drunk texts, which is the usual way she initiates contact. So now that i've shut her down i doubt i will hear anything mostly because she hasn't got the ball's just to contact me and say she's made a mistake, she can't apologise, bit of a problem there!

 

I've been avoiding the places she goes which is hard because the places she hangs out are right on my doorstep which also shows she has no consideration for how i feel that she had to choose places in my area that i would usually go to. Eventually i will see her and no doubt it will be very hard. Actually she found out i was on a dating site, i've not really been using it much but just tried to make the effort and she suddenly appeared on there, but since sending the email to her she's not logged in. Maybe it was some half baked attempt to communicate with me. But whatever its not enough.

 

I can really relate to feeling stupid for taking her back, but you did probably with all the best intentions and she just took it for granted by the sounds of it. Do you mind me asking how old she is and has she had any serious relationships before? Also how did you get together?

[nowomanocry]

Ohwhyme & Orange

 

Sorry to hear this. Nevertheless, after years of

 

Your girlfriends are just like that. You can not change them. You can not change either. Than take it or leave it.

 

One thing I know for sure, life's too short, if you really love someone ( truly in love with someone) then I would listen to my heart, and live it with all its' ups and downs. But first you have to be in peace with yourself, accept things you can not change and then do whatever you want to do. If she like drinking out at a pub, then instead of texting join her, leave aside all problems, worries and complexes and have a wild night out mate. Buy a couple of beers and knock on her door? Don't strain yourself with the serious, long term relationship thing (which I doubt exists know on earth and about to disappear like some rare bird species on earth )

 

She can date someone, so what the foook? You can date someone as well eh? The main difference is that a woman when the relationship ends rarely stays single and will be taken even before or after the break (you'll be left single whileas she will have loads of studs queuing up for her mate)

 

Sitting around the corner weeping, crying looking at her photos, having a couple of boozes will never do you any good. Call 'em now and ask 'em out, if they say no, than that's fine and not the end of the world. Move on, date other fish, and if you still are in love with your gurls call 'em again and try your luck

 

Cheers & good luck

[ohwhyme]

Thanks for the advice. I'm not trying to change them. I'm trying to understand. Perhaps I should be dating older women. My ex is 22 and it seems as if she is only thinking about herself. She hasn't really had a serious relationship and maybe this is why she is scared of commitment. Like she shifts all the blame on the relationship on me whereas I'm trying harder to make everything work and then all of a sudden she just wants to end it with no hints or anything. She is in the place of her life where she is trying to figure everything out. I don't know why she can't figure it out with me. A few days ago I thought we were fine and we laughed a lot etc.

 

I'm not sure that going to someone you love by just knocking on their front door would be the best thing to do. It sort of shows that you are desperate and submissive. It shows that your clingy and that the girl obviously is the first priority in your life.

 

Orange: About the drunken texts, I'm sorry to hear that. You should perhaps change your number or something. I'm considering it as a last measure. It's a pain in the ass when they leave crumbs out for you to reply just to get your attention. Once you do it, they suddenly dissapear again. When you treat them like crap or don't talk to them, they want you back. Its like a freaking game.

 

My ex would have to do something really insane to have to get me back.

[nowomanocry]

Thanks for the advice. I'm not trying to change them. I'm trying to understand. Perhaps I should be dating older women. My ex is 22 and it seems as if she is only thinking about herself. She hasn't really had a serious relationship and maybe this is why she is scared of commitment. Like she shifts all the blame on the relationship on me whereas I'm trying harder to make everything work and then all of a sudden she just wants to end it with no hints or anything. She is in the place of her life where she is trying to figure everything out. I don't know why she can't figure it out with me. A few days ago I thought we were fine and we laughed a lot etc.

 

I'm not sure that going to someone you love by just knocking on their front door would be the best thing to do. It sort of shows that you are desperate and submissive. It shows that your clingy and that the girl obviously is the first priority in your life.

 

Orange: About the drunken texts, I'm sorry to hear that. You should perhaps change your number or something. I'm considering it as a last measure. It's a pain in the ass when they leave crumbs out for you to reply just to get your attention. Once you do it, they suddenly dissapear again. When you treat them like crap or don't talk to them, they want you back. Its like a freaking game.

 

My ex would have to do something really insane to have to get me back.

 

Hi mate

 

Never said you were trying to change her, said take it or leave it. Yes, elder women will be more consistent in their feelings that I may agree. But the nature of women never changes lol. Never try to understand them because you can't, just accept them as they are. If you do, love her, and do not play games - the chaser looses it all stuff I do not believe in - Listen to your heart and do whatever you feel is right. In your case I think she still wants to live her life and that is perfectly normal. Set her free, if she comes back to you she was yours all the way.....Base your relationship on openness - a wide open relationship.

 

Of course I did not say go and knock on the door tonight - if you are really in love with her, set the grounds, get it ready, get yourself ready and knock on the door and just be there as your self! No complexes, worries, problems, be cool, be open, honest and see how it goes. Most of all, trust yourself, have faith in yourself. Love yourself. That is the start. Whatever you do listen to your heart.

 

take care m8

[paperchase]

Sorry to hear about your story, but it really sounds like you are taking it in stride. Perhaps, because you've seen it all before. Well, mate, it happened -- is happening -- to me too. I'm still with her but she's waffling, setting the stage for a break-up and biding her time with me, likely until she finds a suitable replacement.

 

I honestly believe that when they come back to us they think in their heart that they did make a mistake and they do want to reconcile. The problem is that feeling is a fleeting one and whatever it is about us or them that caused them to stray the first time rears its ugly head again. I also believe that some women are constantly searching for that high you get at the outset of a relationship and are constantly searching to improve their lot. When they leave and the grass isn't greener, they come back but they will leave again, and again and again.

 

I also believe that these type of women can be managed but I just don't have the desire or stamina to keep up with their whims. Best of luck and total NC is the right move if she's officially dumped you again. Once my break-up is official I'm going darker than I've ever been and I'm not giving her a damn warning.

[nowomanocry]

Sorry to hear about your story, but it really sounds like you are taking it in stride. Perhaps, because you've seen it all before. Well, mate, it happened -- is happening -- to me too. I'm still with her but she's waffling, setting the stage for a break-up and biding her time with me, likely until she finds a suitable replacement.

 

I honestly believe that when they come back to us they think in their heart that they did make a mistake and they do want to reconcile. The problem is that feeling is a fleeting one and whatever it is about us or them that caused them to stray the first time rears its ugly head again. I also believe that some women are constantly searching for that high you get at the outset of a relationship and are constantly searching to improve their lot. When they leave and the grass isn't greener, they come back but they will leave again, and again and again.

 

I also believe that these type of women can be managed but I just don't have the desire or stamina to keep up with their whims. Best of luck and total NC is the right move if she's officially dumped you again. Once my break-up is official I'm going darker than I've ever been and I'm not giving her a damn warning.

 

They leaving and coming back is their problem, their inconsistency and their unrest. What matters is you mate. All I say is, be yourself, show the love and let it be. If you are able to fall in love with someone with devotion, you are the luckiest man on earth because it is a beautiful feeling. I know love is dead everywhere ... Marriages don't work no more ..... But what counts is whether you are able to love (and if you are lucky enough be loved by a real woman). Love is not possession. Love is being there whenever she needs you - whether she fakes u or not, that is her sin and ugliness of soul, not urs.

 

TC

[ohwhyme]

paperchase: Thanks for the reply. Hopefully you still have a chance to fix things between you two. I pretty much agree with that they keep coming back when the grass isn't greener on the other side. Thats why my ex came back and I still loved her. She hurt me bad. But I bounced back up until she called me one day and I paniced. We talked and then we suddenly started seeing each other again. I don't know it sounds like they always want a crazy new experience each time which could cost a lot of money. I don't have the stamina either to deal with all of the drama. I hope you'll stick with your plan if you do break up. I'm having trouble sticking to the plan. Considering writing her an email but it will just be a stupid idea I'll regret just like the first break up. It is very difficult to stick to the plan. Especially if it was the only person you spoke to and hung out with for the longest time. Now it just seems like shes dead to me.

 

But nowomannocry is right, you can't change a girls mind. I also believe that some women have strict requirements within a relationship and if you do not meet them, it is subconsciously a turn off for them. For example, I'm in a LDR. I haven't moved over yet but I'm about to. I guess I didn't make the time limit or that she feels that I am putting way too much effort into it as she is unsure of the future. You know of where she will be in the future and if we are going to live together and if we do, will we be happy. I suppose that is why we broke up, I'm dragging her down.

 

I do feel bad though that we ended on such terrible terms. I told her never to talk to me again and that I won't wait for her.

[nowomanocry]

paperchase: Thanks for the reply. Hopefully you still have a chance to fix things between you two. I pretty much agree with that they keep coming back when the grass isn't greener on the other side. Thats why my ex came back and I still loved her. She hurt me bad. But I bounced back up until she called me one day and I paniced. We talked and then we suddenly started seeing each other again. I don't know it sounds like they always want a crazy new experience each time which could cost a lot of money. I don't have the stamina either to deal with all of the drama. I hope you'll stick with your plan if you do break up. I'm having trouble sticking to the plan. Considering writing her an email but it will just be a stupid idea I'll regret just like the first break up. It is very difficult to stick to the plan. Especially if it was the only person you spoke to and hung out with for the longest time. Now it just seems like shes dead to me.

 

But nowomannocry is right, you can't change a girls mind. I also believe that some women have strict requirements within a relationship and if you do not meet them, it is subconsciously a turn off for them. For example, I'm in a LDR. I haven't moved over yet but I'm about to. I guess I didn't make the time limit or that she feels that I am putting way too much effort into it as she is unsure of the future. You know of where she will be in the future and if we are going to live together and if we do, will we be happy. I suppose that is why we broke up, I'm dragging her down.

 

I do feel bad though that we ended on such terrible terms. I told her never to talk to me again and that I won't wait for her.

,

Ohwhyme, you can never change their minds. Once set, it's done. The more you push things the more they hold on to wot they have. Here we have to make one thing clear: do you guys think that you were dumped and you were the worst people on earth, the ugliest people? Do you think the dumpers found someone that they will live together for a life time? I swear to god, that times are over mate. As I said, if you are in love you are the luckiest on earth and if she loves you back than you live together for a lifetime (real falling in love). It happens and no one believe me can stop it! If not, that is not the end of the world, live your own life. If you were cheated or bullshiated that is their problem not urs. If you love her till the end of time, how wonderful that is. Shows that you are a beautiful soul. You can not force the other lost soul to fall in love with you. You have to love and respect yourself first to be able to love and respect others.

 

Ohwhyme ? Terms.... those are the terms of today. You never now what tomorrow brings and trust me you would be amazed if you can look into your future and see whats waiting for you out there....

[orangelondon]

Ohwhyme - I had the same, she was sending me texts two day's before saying how she couldn't wait to spend time with me...sounds like someone planning to dump me? No but a mature person would really think out their decision and not make it on a whim or in a rage, or at least realise that they had over reacted. Yes like your's my ex is 23 and has a lot of evolving to do. Blaming you is just an excuse so she doesn't have to look at herself, she can dump you when she feels like it and pick you back up at a later date. Plus you already had her back once so she's got that knowledge.

 

The breadcrumbs are not enough of a reason for you to get back with her, you said she would have to do something really insane, like change personalities??

She will become a better person but maybe not with you, she has a lot of figuring out to do and learning that if you leave someone who has loved and cared for you well, you better have a damn good reason for it because you risk losing that person for good.

She needs to learn that her behaviour has repercussions.

 

Its easy to take someone back when they are in front of you and you love them so much, you did because you are nice bloke and probably fair, giving someone a second chance is reasonable but now she has done this again, like me, keeping the door closed is the only real lesson they might learn from.

I'm sure she will regret her decision eventually when she's got bored or not found anyone as good as you but thats when you have to be really strong.

 

I do know a couple who finally got back together after 2 years apart, they are very very happy and very suited but they both went through hell to become the people they both needed to be for each other, it does happen, the happy endings BUT they had to let go entirely and be with other people to find this out, to realise what they had lost, that they truly loved each other. And the one who was dumped did not open the door again without proof that the other one had changed and this proof had to happen over a long time.

[ohwhyme]

Thank you both for the good posts. Nowomanocry you sure have a very positive attitude on this subject which I find very rare. I wish I could have such an attitude as of right now I'm just confused and angry. It's like getting sucker punched in the face. Since I took her back I didn't think I would come back to this forum. I don't know if I can take her back. It all sounds like a game to me now. Seems like the only way to keep a woman is to be on a very fine line between not giving a crap and caring. If you treat them like **** too much they leave and if you become a sissy as in turning into a desperate and clingy person, they leave too.

 

I think the breadcrumbs are really just to feed their own ego. You know so they can confirm that you meant something to them and that you still care. When we broke up for the first time, the more you ignored them the more they wanted to talk to you. Honestly, I do not think a relationship gets back to where they were as the dumpee will still hold a grudge.

 

When I said do something drastic. I meant more of in the lines of taking a plane and knock on my doorstep. Something you would never expect them to do. But I highly doubt that would ever happen. Although she did mention she would have done it the first time around when I wasn't talking to her... But then again she does talk a lot of bs.

[Golfilla]

Long story short. We dated for a over a year, broke up and then got back together again in the summer. She said she made a big mistake. She broke up with me again and then I told her never to contact me again. Our previous breakup didn't work together either. She broke up with me saying that she was confused. I eventually found her dating some other guy for a few days. We get back together in the summer, it was alright in the beginning. A little weird but we started to fight a little towards the end. I guess she just wanted how we were in the beginning... I put more effort into the relationship. Even the second time around heh.

 

She broke up with me today again for the second time.

 

I only need to read this far. There is a lesson here that you need to learn both in this situation and for the rest of your life thereafter. NEVER, ever, EVER, push the rewind button with someone who dumps you. If she wants to get back together, just say "no". NO. One word - "no". Don't explain why, don't listen to her apology, don't bother insulting her, don't show any emotion at all, just say "no" and walk away. Most importantly of all, don't give her any financial assistance.

 

When someone dumps you, and them comes back to apologise, they aren't generally sorry. What they are saying is "I didn't like you enough to stay with you, but since all the other guys I dated (and had incredible sex with) were jerks and losers, I'll come back to you when I need the emotional support (or something else) these guys couldn't/wouldn't give me" (strike out whichever does not apply). If you give in, she'll never respect you, and yes, in most cases she'll do it again, as you just found out.

 

Keep your dignity and your self-respect, and find someone else who likes you for who you are. Once you're dumped, you have to move right on. It mightn't be easy, it mightn't always be pleasant, but it's something you simply MUST do, otherwise, this sort of thing will happen time and time again.

[Golfilla]

The cheater/dumper never seems to have a problem being friends, mostly because they found someone else already.

 

Actually it's because they haven't found someone else, and they still want *something* from the dumpee. It could be emotional support, it could be financial support, but they don't want to jump right off the lilypad until they have another lilypad to jump on. You'll know she's found someone else when you call her to talk and she says "don't call me anymore".

[nowomanocry]

I only need to read this far. There is a lesson here that you need to learn both in this situation and for the rest of your life thereafter. NEVER, ever, EVER, push the rewind button with someone who dumps you. If she wants to get back together, just say "no". NO. One word - "no". Don't explain why, don't listen to her apology, don't bother insulting her, don't show any emotion at all, just say "no" and walk away. Most importantly of all, don't give her any financial assistance.

 

When someone dumps you, and them comes back to apologise, they aren't generally sorry. What they are saying is "I didn't like you enough to stay with you, but since all the other guys I dated (and had incredible sex with) were jerks and losers, I'll come back to you when I need the emotional support (or something else) these guys couldn't/wouldn't give me" (strike out whichever does not apply). If you give in, she'll never respect you, and yes, in most cases she'll do it again, as you just found out.

 

Keep your dignity and your self-respect, and find someone else who likes you for who you are. Once you're dumped, you have to move right on. It mightn't be easy, it mightn't always be pleasant, but it's something you simply MUST do, otherwise, this sort of thing will happen time and time again.

 

Falling in love, being dumped, having a one night stand all are a part of life mate.

 

We are souls, beating hearts, we are humans made of flesh and blood and you can not put everyone into one category.

 

When the dumper comes back, why would he have to say "no"? I tell you why you say that, PRIDE - as C.S.Lewis say "A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you're looking down, you can't see something that's above you." Your advice on not giving her financial assistance etc. all are rational and down-to earth but that ain't my specialty because I am working for the Ministry of Love Affairs mate - and this site is called Love shack, not Ministry of Finance

 

What makes you think that those who come back are not generally sorry? Why wouldn't he let her back in? he is in love mate, and love has no boundaries or tailor-made rules to cope with it. If she makes another mistake, so wot? We all do mistakes....for a life time. can you show me one single soul on earth who has not made mistakes in his/her lifetime? If he is still in love with her, how are you going to stop him from seeing her?

 

Dignity and self-respect has nothing to do with being in love with someone without return...You can not seek and find love mate. It comes to you whether you like it or not sometimes it's full of sorrow sometimes makes you fly. But in both cases, it is the most beautiful feeling in life.

 

Your advice to him is no different than my mum's or me lawyers... Good enough to protect your savings & property, as well as saving your azz from being humiliated by peers .... But the heart he has in him, whos gona protect that ?

 

Have a fab w/e mate

[Golfilla]

Falling in love, being dumped, having a one night stand all are a part of life mate.

 

Nobody's denying that, but it happens to everyone, and you have to get on with your life. Sooner or later you have to move on. If someone punches you in the face, are you going to make a habit of continuing to interact with that person because being punched is "something that happens to everyone?" This is no different.

 

When the dumper comes back, why would he have to say "no"? I tell you why you say that, PRIDE -

 

No, it's not pride, it's simply self-respect, self-preservation, and moving on with your life. This guy has been burned *twice* now, it's fairly obvious there is a trend forming here. She doesn't want to be with him, if he really loved her, if this really was 'love', he'd accept that and move on with his life.

 

What makes you think that those who come back are not generally sorry?

 

Experience, both my own and that of just about everyone I know. Now there might be exceptions, there might be people who did come back and were genuine, but there are also people who buy lottery tickets and win, and there are people who jump off 10 storey buildings and survive. It can happen, but the odds are against it. Heck, do some research on this and you'll see that "second chance" relationships almost invariably fail. Whether he'll admit it or not, he knows deep inside that he'll always be second choice at best.

 

Why wouldn't he let her back in? he is in love mate, and love has no boundaries or tailor-made rules to cope with it. If she makes another mistake, so wot? We all do mistakes....for a life time. can you show me one single soul on earth who has not made mistakes in his/her lifetime? If he is still in love with her, how are you going to stop him from seeing her?

 

I'm not going to stop him from doing anything, but if he asks for advice on a public forum and I happen to be online at the time, I'm going to give it honestly. Is that a problem?

 

Dignity and self-respect has nothing to do with being in love with someone without return...You can not seek and find love mate. It comes to you whether you like it or not sometimes it's full of sorrow sometimes makes you fly. But in both cases, it is the most beautiful feeling in life.

 

Does this guy sound like he's having the most beautiful experience of his life? His posts don't suggest that. This guy's emotions aren't motivated by 'love', they're motivated by his ego. True love (which is actually very rare in this world) can accept when the other person doesn't want to be with you and can move on. Ego, on the other hand, needs to believe it can rekindle this romance against all the odds, even when it's obvious that it isn't going to work (and believe me, this situation is obvious) because it will feel "less" without her.

 

The irony is that if this guy can transcend the ego this time around and move on with his life, he'll have a chance of finding someone who *does* want to be with him, and that will fill both his heart and his ego. He just has to take that step. On the other hand, if he keeps following his ego this time around, he won't know when she comes into his life, and he won't be able to put his best foot forward to attract her, so she'll move on without him.

 

Your advice to him is no different than my mum's or me lawyers... Good enough to protect your savings & property, as well as saving your azz from being humiliated by peers .... But the heart he has in him, whos gona protect that ?

 

I suspect that both your mum and your lawyer have more life experience than you do, so maybe there's something in their advice. They've been there, they've made the mistakes, and now they're trying to prevent YOU from making the same mistakes. I'm trying to do the same thing for the OP. Whether he makes those mistakes is up to him, but if he does, I know what the results are likely to be.

[ohwhyme]

Listen guys. I really appreciate both of your views. Let's not turn this into a fight as you both have valid points. And thanks for the input.

 

I think at some point you have to give up on the person that you love and move on. There's a limit to how much you can take. Why wait for her when she doesn't do the same? I tried harder to make it work and she broke up with me.

 

A year after the breakup, I was very confident and happy. Until she decided to bombard me with msgs, phone calls etc. Now I'm back to square one. Not sure how much of this my heart can take. Yes I do love her a lot but she obviously doesn't love me as much as I loved her. As of right now, shes dead to me. So what do I do now? I'm not sure. Guess its time for myself and do what I love to do.

 

Yes nowomanocry, love is a beautiful thing but it can also be cruel. I know she meant that she made a mistake. Then why do it again? I mean will there be a point when they will learn that what they had was a good thing?

[nowomanocry]

Nobody's denying that, but it happens to everyone, and you have to get on with your life. Sooner or later you have to move on. If someone punches you in the face, are you going to make a habit of continuing to interact with that person because being punched is "something that happens to everyone?" This is no different. --> not advising him to build a temple of his love and live in there like a priest - all I say is that he is in love with him and you can't do anything to change that. He may life his life fully but if the love is there do you have a recipee to get over it? Whatever you advise, if he's gona follow his heart, what are you gona do about it?

 

 

 

 

 

No, it's not pride, it's simply self-respect, self-preservation, and moving on with your life. This guy has been burned *twice* now, it's fairly obvious there is a trend forming here. She doesn't want to be with him, if he really loved her, if this really was 'love', he'd accept that and move on with his life. --> So you simply say that being in love with a person without return makes him lacking self-respect eh? What makes you say that? Might be a trend forming there, and the gurl might be a biatch you can presume that she doesn't want to be with him but how do you force him to forget all about it and move on. He can be in love with her and there's nothing you or me can do about it. It is his feelings.... (if he is not in love with her than fine)

 

 

 

Experience, both my own and that of just about everyone I know. Now there might be exceptions, there might be people who did come back and were genuine, but there are also people who buy lottery tickets and win, and there are people who jump off 10 storey buildings and survive. It can happen, but the odds are against it. Heck, do some research on this and you'll see that "second chance" relationships almost invariably fail. Whether he'll admit it or not, he knows deep inside that he'll always be second choice at best.--> Fair enough, for the exceptions don't break the rules part but please don't judge what he feels that "he admits or not he knows deep inside..." ... Neither me nor you know him, right? We can never know that.

 

 

 

I'm not going to stop him from doing anything, but if he asks for advice on a public forum and I happen to be online at the time, I'm going to give it honestly. Is that a problem?--> Ell no, the more the merrier mate lol

 

 

 

Does this guy sound like he's having the most beautiful experience of his life? His posts don't suggest that. This guy's emotions aren't motivated by 'love', they're motivated by his ego. True love (which is actually very rare in this world) can accept when the other person doesn't want to be with you and can move on. Ego, on the other hand, needs to believe it can rekindle this romance against all the odds, even when it's obvious that it isn't going to work (and believe me, this situation is obvious) because it will feel "less" without her. --->>> I ain't psychiatrist so I can not say whether his motivated by his ego or it is real love he feels. I am basing all on the fact that he is in love with her. The rest is upto him to see where he is at and what to do next

 

The irony is that if this guy can transcend the ego this time around and move on with his life, he'll have a chance of finding someone who *does* want to be with him, and that will fill both his heart and his ego. He just has to take that step. On the other hand, if he keeps following his ego this time around, he won't know when she comes into his life, and he won't be able to put his best foot forward to attract her, so she'll move on without him.---> as per above paragraph lol

 

 

 

I suspect that both your mum and your lawyer have more life experience than you do, so maybe there's something in their advice. They've been there, they've made the mistakes, and now they're trying to prevent YOU from making the same mistakes. I'm trying to do the same thing for the OP. Whether he makes those mistakes is up to him, but if he does, I know what the results are likely to be.

.---> well, here listen to me my dear friend, course I get advice from my mum & lawyer that my mum has more life experience and my lawyer is specialised in law etc. but my mistakes are my mistakes and I am grown-up enough to make my own decisions and face the results. I do not know if you are manipulated by your mum's advice or not and it is not my concern to the slightest either anyway, but I think OP is an individual who is mature enough to make his own decisions and cope with the outcomes. You do not need to protect him, it is his decision and his own life. If he is gona have a heartbreak after a relationship and continue making mistakes than let him live them. That is how experience in life is gained, not by being protected by taking your mother's advice all the time. Failure, sorrow, happiness, falling in love , being in lust with someone, stalking the woman you are in love with, loosing everything to a relationship ending up living in a dustbin eating dumped food are all a part of life. Believe me, there no mum or lawyer on earth who can prevent this mate ;)

 

Have a gr8 week-end !

[nowomanocry]

Listen guys. I really appreciate both of your views. Let's not turn this into a fight as you both have valid points. And thanks for the input.

 

I think at some point you have to give up on the person that you love and move on. There's a limit to how much you can take. Why wait for her when she doesn't do the same? I tried harder to make it work and she broke up with me.

 

A year after the breakup, I was very confident and happy. Until she decided to bombard me with msgs, phone calls etc. Now I'm back to square one. Not sure how much of this my heart can take. Yes I do love her a lot but she obviously doesn't love me as much as I loved her. As of right now, shes dead to me. So what do I do now? I'm not sure. Guess its time for myself and do what I love to do.

 

Yes nowomanocry, love is a beautiful thing but it can also be cruel. I know she meant that she made a mistake. Then why do it again? I mean will there be a point when they will learn that what they had was a good thing?

 

Good luck mate

 

Hope ya find wot u looking for

[ohwhyme]

For those of you that have been hurt. Don't worry its not as bad as the first time . Just take your time to do your own thing. I'm feeling better but I still think about her. Only time will make it all go away. No girl is worth moping over people!

[LovelyDaze]

Only time will make it all go away. No girl is worth moping over people!

 

Or GUY!

 

No one is worth that. If someone has hurt you and doesn't come around to being sorry in any way...forget them. Life is short but can be sweet if you choose to love yourself and definitely put yourself first.

[paperchase]

This is a good tread. Two very different views on reconciliation and both valid. Actually, three views.

 

1) just love and accept that things may not work out but don't let that stop you from loving.

 

2) When someone breaks your heart, don't look back, protect yourself first and foremost.

 

3) 1 and 2 aren't really love, true love is selfless and therefore you should be able to let someone go who is not happy and it should not be about ego or self-preservation.

 

I vacillate between these views daily. I'm with someone who from day to day either loves me to death or expresses a desire for a break before then pulling it off the table in some half-handed way. I'm on the second go around too and at the brink of getting dumped for the second time. I did not fall for breadcrumbs and I thought the second time around would work. I know we have differences that are difficult, if not impossible, to overcome but a part of me wants to fight. Am I being selfish? I don't know. I'm probably just fighting against being alone. I know she doesn't want to be alone either.

 

I think one point in this tread is right on. When they keep leaving you it's because you are not their ideal and they are not through searching. Maybe they mature and realize that no one is perfect and that an ideal is not reality, but at 23 (the same age as my SO) they probably are still waiting for the kind of man you read about in fairy tales.

 

I'm not strong enough to take option 1. I've done option 2 and it works but it's hard. Option 3 is probably the mark of maturity and I've said it and sometimes feel it, but I've yet to really test whether I can follow through. What makes 3 the hardest is when you believe that despite your differences you and your mate could be great together. When you believe they are making a mistake and when you are the type of person who likes to fix and fight for love.

 

As my SO keeps vacillating I want to just pull the deal off the table and go with option 3, but I've been known to ride a relationship until the wheels fall off and in a way I don't want to be the bad guy. Everytime I try to do it, though, say hey I understand, go and be 23, this can be mutual because you aren't happy and I want you to be happy that's all I ever wanted...she always says no I love you. But then a few days later she'll get all bent out of shape about something trivial an act like she doesn't care, pull away, say she's not happy and mention how she tried to break up before. I'm sorry if I hijacked this thread it's just that I see a lot of similarities.

 

In closing let me say something I've seen cited often here. The person who cares the least has the most power. I doubt our SO's care enough to be scouring the internet for advice concerning how to make sense of their conflicting feelings or reconcile and renew their love. They have their foot on first while trying to steal second. The most helpful thing in my recovery the first time around was to truly get to the place where I was like F-it. I needed to not care and I faked it until I made it.

Edited March 15, 2010 by paperchase

[paperchase]

Actually it's because they haven't found someone else, and they still want *something* from the dumpee. It could be emotional support, it could be financial support, but they don't want to jump right off the lilypad until they have another lilypad to jump on. You'll know she's found someone else when you call her to talk and she says "don't call me anymore".

 

I completely agree. If you are still clinging on once they have someone new, they will become extremely unkind. They will not offer friendship; they will be curt and will walk all over your feelings. When you ask to talk or see them, they will have zero time. If you don't back all the way up, they very well could simply say "don't ever call me again." When you start feeling like this person is being mean and I don't deserve it and it's like I never knew them it's usually because you've been replaced and don't know it yet. Think "I see dead people."

[LovelyDaze]

This is a good tread. Two very different views on reconciliation and both valid. Actually, three views.

 

1) just love and accept that things may not work out but don't let that stop you from loving.

 

2) When someone breaks your heart, don't look back, protect yourself first and foremost.

 

3) 1 and 2 aren't really love, true love is selfless and therefore you should be able to let someone go who is not happy and it should not be about ego or self-preservation.

 

 

I have done Option #3.

 

I loved my ex with everything in me. So much so, that when he did dump me, I breathed, teared up and just said, "Is that what you want? I guess I can't stop you." He seemed surprised that I didn't claw his face off like I wanted to do. Don't know if that's the reason that he broke NC a few times last year or not.

 

What I have learned is that he is STILL engaged to the girl he left me for so that broken NC meant nothing. I must move on and let him lie on his own bed. My life is too short to hold out any hope for real change.