lost_in_chgo Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Well here it is. Over four months since the breakup and two months of no contact. Today I am feeling for the first time the feeling of surrender, and that I am going to give up on her. I have no anger, and nothing but love and hope. And today hope has begun to die. I've questioned myself for months, but until now I never really felt that I would never see her again. Today I do. But nothing has changed but my mood. She's only been divorced for two and a half months now. It could take her a year or more to heal from that. That is my timeframe. Oh man.... She may come back at some point but I fear that when she does she will find that door that I have striven to keep open for her, closed and my heart occupied by another. It's a small heart, it doesn't have alot of room. It insist on loving only one woman at a time. If that day comes I will feel so terrible that I'm not sure how I will handle it. For it will mean that I was right that she would eventually return and that I didn't have what it takes to wait for her. Another failure. This waiting game is sulfuric acid in my soul. I've always wanted to have a child and name her Sarah. I talk to Sarah sometimes. Maybe her soul is out there somewhere or maybe it can hear me across time. Sarah help me to be strong. But now I'm thinking that if we ever do reconcile and have a child, I will name her Hope, and she will be living proof that hope is a worthwhile thing. Now it is probably a good thing to find someone else for awhile at least. I wish I knew how to do that. Lost Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 I know first hand how hard it is to let go of something you truly believe in. The love you shared was real, there's no doubt about that in your mind. But you have to remember that its reality, its significance, and the conclusions you reach about it are only your reality, your sense of significance, and your conclusions. Her experience of the love may be very different indeed. Obviously it was, and is. To quote Thom Yorke of Radiohead: "just cos you feel it, doesn't mean it's there." (by the way, Radiohead's last album was almost genius and definitely worth a listen) I found a lot more peace of mind when I was able to accept that the love I shared with my ex was indeed real, I wasn't a deluded idiot; but it no longer exists. I can't know what he's thinking, feeling or hoping. I don't know where he'll end up or how he'll get there. I need to know things on the basis of my own experience. I experienced love with him; I know that. I'm not experiencing love with him now; I know that. I want love; I know that. At the end of the day, it's about me, it's about what I know (not what I'm guessing that he knows), it's about what I feel (not what I'm guessing he might be feeling), and it's about what I want/need (not what I anticipate he will eventually realize he wants/needs). There was no use in looking over my shoulder to see if my ex was going to catch up with me after all. I needed to be looking ahead of me. I needed to exist in my own reality, instead of the reality I imagined by trying to second-guess my ex, and predict his future. And once I stopped waiting for him, lo and behold, love came forward in a new person. I haven't stopped thinking about my ex entirely, but I think it's more out of habit now than out of genuine emotion. Take it from one who truly knows: you can love again. And when you do find it you won't care how it impacts your ex. Not that you'll want to hurt her of course. But she won't be a reference point for you anymore. As long as she is a primary reference point in your life, you're not really looking ahead -- some small part of you is looking over your shoulder at her. And you're suffering because of it. Her present and her future are for her to worry about, not you. You need to get to the point where you're no longer trying live your life based on what you think might be in her future. Your present and future happiness lie elsewhere. Here's to 2004 -- a new year, with fresh hope. Hope for a happy future, not a rekindled past. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Follow your heart and keep your eyes open. Work on the things you need to to be a better you, and as Midori said to maintain your own reality. Your heart will tell you when you have "waited" long enough before pursuing another course. And if your ex comes back into your life (by choice or by accident), you'll be ready. Your heart will already know whether or not it will accept them, everything else has to be prepared for whatever life may bring. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Hey Chicago, i feel for you, you say it's been 4 months since the split & 2 monts without talking & it may be a year before she is properly over the divorce, don't know much about this, but you can just go with your heart. I know it will be still in my heart the way i feel noww, even 1 year down the line! Its' 3 months since i spoke to my other half & i love her more than ever. Absence is definately making my heart grow fonder & i think of her all the time. I get so much positivity from reading threads here & get highs from it & try to offer my positivity to others, but then i get knocked back when i think of the one i want to feel positive,my gf, is she feeling the same, is time making her fonder of me, is she missing me. She says our love is more friendship love before we parted because she helped me through an illness, so being apart for 3 months after spending everyday nearly for 15 months together, i guess she must miss my company! When someone says time will be good for us both, which way do i take it! As Mandrews knows from other optimistic threads i've read, reconsiliation is possible whenever! Heads Up Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost_in_chgo Posted January 19, 2004 Author Share Posted January 19, 2004 Monk, Hopefully your ex is feeling the same fondness building. Hope still lingers. Once in a while it slams into me just to let me know it's there. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Hey, Lost, Mandrews here. Some days are better than others, keep the faith, that is why were are all here posting. Coping, hanging in there, whatever, is different than letting go. If and when your heart tells you to let go, you will. But no need to rush into anything with someone new, you will only hurt them and be unfair to you both. You mentioned a divorce. When someone is coming out of a marriage or LTR, the timeframes are different and can take some time. If you love her let her know you will be there to work things through with her, that is all you can do for now. You have already gone a long way because you have said "if and when" we reconcile. I believe that love is eternal and what happens is the form changes or diminishes, but never completely leaves. That is why people get back together even after great intervals. Each love is different. I am sure she will at least give you an opprtunity when she is ready, if for no more than not to live with "what ifs". It is your task to be ready when that time comes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost_in_chgo Posted January 19, 2004 Author Share Posted January 19, 2004 Thanks mandrews, Hope is my thing. If I didn't have it I would have given up on her before we ever got together. Now my hope is that she will come to a point where she values what I've offered her the way that I value what she offers me. In the meantime, perserverance and patience are the names of the game. Today is a down day. I hope things do work out, but in reality I will probably move on if an opportunity presents itself. I can't live my life for a "what if" because she might not ever come around again. Link to post Share on other sites
delia88 Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Hey There, You've been so helpful to me when I have posted my thoughts. I too live in the windy city and know what a awful time of year it is to be living here even if your feeling fine! Socially everything slows down. But, I sense a new strength is you brewing and once you get back on your feet I am confident you will be able to find happiness again whether it is with the ex or someone new. It does take time but you have to take care of yourself and get ready for the new door to open. You don't want Sarah's mom to be to pass you by because you were too down to present yourself to her if the opportunity comes along, right? I guess my point is timing is everything. We can't see it right now but, when one door closes it gives us the opportunity and availability to open another door taking us to a path that ultimately is better that the one we were one and then it all becomes clear. Maybe even one that ends up with twin girls Hope & Sarah! You will make a great father/husband who has a lot to offer. I hope in time you will feel better and you find the right path. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost_in_chgo Posted January 19, 2004 Author Share Posted January 19, 2004 Thanks delia It's always nice to hear the good father stuff, since my ex basically told me I wouldn't be a good father. Or at least that she didn't think I could handle her kids (same diff). Our common friends sorta agreed with her to the extent that they think I was completely oblivious to the fact the she has kids and what that would mean. (I wasn't, I had several years to think about it after all before we started dating.) But that more than anything has led to alot of second guessing myself. Twins huh? Link to post Share on other sites
delia88 Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Well, you never know what tomorrow will bring. As far as second guessing yourself about the kids. Ask any parent how ready they were when they brought there little bundle home for the first time. I have a cousin (female) who looked at her husband when they brought them the baby back in their hospital room (After delivery and everyone got some sleep) and she looked at the baby and then at him and said, "what are we going to do?...We know nothing about how to raise a child." Well, I don't know how old you are but they were in their late twenties at that time and now they have 4 children and a big dog. My point? You adjust and grow into the role of parent or step parent. And I don't think it's fair to second guess yourself. There is a big difference between coming into a "family" situation and starting from scratch on your own. I'm sure the ex had made a fair share of mistakes as a parent on her own. I think she was oblivious to the fact that that lifestyle is all new to someone who has not had children of their own. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Originally posted by lost_in_chgo If that day comes I will feel so terrible that I'm not sure how I will handle it. For it will mean that I was right that she would eventually return and that I didn't have what it takes to wait for her. Another failure. A 'lost love' is NOT a failure. Everyone gave their best....to the most of their capabilites...and it didn't pan out. Even if she DID come back after you were with someone else....does not indicate there was a failure. The whole relationship and it's timing was just out of whack. It's not anyone's fault.....certainly not yours. Unfortunately, two people don't always get to the same point at the same time. It doesn't mean either person had a personal faulty clock.....they just weren't set as 'in sync' as they may have hoped when the relationship started. Nothing is worse than realizing something which meant so much to you is now over. For awhile, it SEEMS as though life no longer has meaning. However, that's a fleeting phase. Life DOES go on.....and often times you meet someone else and wonder why the other thing you left behind was so important to you. When you meet the RIGHT person with the SAME time clock.....all the pain you went thru to get to that very moment....will have been worth it. You are NOT a failure. You are WINNER who hasn't crossed the finish line yet. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Thank you , Arabess, Your post certainly applies to all of us, especially me. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Getting over my last relationship was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I reckon it was six months before I went out of the house WITHOUT odd socks and my blouse on backwards and inside out. It's a long road. I think the last thing you give up is the dream, you know the one that stars you and him/her. The one with the child called Sarah or Billy or Zedekiah (if you're cruel). The key as someone has said is learning that you don't have to view it as 'failure' you don't have to store it in the drawer marked 'sucker' or 'looser' or even 'dreamer'; it was real and at the time as true as can be but it no longer is. I cried a long time just for that one. And then, somewhere between, why, why why and when will he come back you get a tiny glimmer of hope. Hope that it will end well, that you will remember that you existed before that person came into your life and had hope and you will exist again. I did eventually find love again but I must admit I'm still treading cautiously, maybe you can only be 100% hopeful once in life. Dunno...the ground isn't always solid beneath your feet but keep walking. Odd socks an' all.... Good luck in Chicago, R. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost_in_chgo Posted January 20, 2004 Author Share Posted January 20, 2004 Following the timing theory is the whole point though. If you are willing to wait, perhaps the timing does work out. It's just alot easier to throw your hands in the air and say oh well I guess it wasn't meant to be and to move on and rationalize the whole things afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 "Today I am feeling for the first time the feeling of surrender" Your heart will win with surrender. I would be happy with those new feelings. Surely peace of mind must follow the surrender of will? That's what love is about, I guess, Our Will. I have a hearty will and tend to hold on hard and fast. It takes a lot to break my will; but with an ending of love, our determination and resolve only get in our way. If you are a winner, losing is hard. We aren't created to fail. We are created to love. But dysfunctions, addictions, emotions, and sometimes intelligence get in the way. We don't start in the same place, but somehow we want to end up in the same spot. Baggage and history, skeletons and dirty laundy start accumulating. How easy hope and love was at 20. How much harder it seems to get with the passing years. How much more can hearts take? Maybe your heart knew, and told your head to surrender and as the adage says... Let Go, Let God. Nice thread, thanks folks. I'm going on a month no-contact. I hope I find your surrender soon. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 How easy hope and love was at 20. How much harder it seems to get with the passing years Great. I just turned 22. I guess I have a long way to go. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Marry the right person, the first time. And you won't suffer the indignation of dating at 40. Oh, maybe some people enjoy the chase, but others like myself enjoy the security of one love. Statistics show married people live longer. Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Hang in there!! If your heart says stay, you will and nothing except you can or will change that. When your heart has had enough or something else happens or occurs, it will. I am living proof. I will PM you my story, perhaps it will help. Try to remember, if you have decided it is worth it, then it will be a LONG course, and you must try to stick it out as best you can. Keep in mind some days are torture and on these days you must seek sanity and asylum. Other days just the thought of you and her is enough to send your wings soaring all day. Stay with the positive ideas and posts and keep your head up, and eyes forward. Try to do as many of the "positive" things as you can. Keep in mind that it doesn't always work out and even when it does it isn't according to our timetable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost_in_chgo Posted March 29, 2004 Author Share Posted March 29, 2004 No sign of Sarah or Hope. Though.....there was that day last week that I reached into a box of sweetheart candies and the first one out of the box was "I hope" No sign of the ex either. Emailed out of the blue after 4 months, hopes we can be friends and disappears for another 5 weeks. I can't help but think there's more to all of this than just she got sick and tired of my crap, thinks I wouldn't be able to handle her kids, or that I make her feel bad about herself. (no explanation of any of that, she just tossed those out one night early on. Those that know her said to ignore all that, she's just making excuses for wanting to be single for awhile. Women. Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Lost: This may sound absurd, but I am happy for you. You have hit a major milestone. You said: "This waiting game is sulfuric acid in my soul". You know the answer. No timelines, no waiting, no nothing. Some questions have no answers, so stop questioning yourself. You'll never find Sarah's mother unless you go through with the process of letting Hope die. Both Hopes. Hope is the aborted spiritual child of your previous relationship. Unless you let those ghosts go, then the real spirits of Sarah and her mother cannot find their way to you. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 How do you let Hope die? How do optimistic, caring souls live without hope? Link to post Share on other sites
wishfullthinker2004 Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 I don't believe you never let it "die". I am an optimistic and caring soul and I will never let the "hope"of my lost one die. Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 If you accept the premise that you need to move on with your life in order to find a new love, even if it is a new love with a person you have been with before, then wouldn't it follow that you need to let go of the hope or expectation that you will find that love again with the person who left you? Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 No, you take notice of the reality that the love you "had" doesn't exist anymore, and you begin the process of building a new love, even if it is with someone you loved before. Hopefully, you get the chance to rebuild with the person from before, if both of you are able to try. Link to post Share on other sites
Dixiecron Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 OK, I'll stop here, since this looks like it may turn into yet another one of those "Bridge Burners" vs. "Hopeless Romantics" things Link to post Share on other sites
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