The Advent of Surrender and the Demise of Hope

[mandrews1119]

Dixiecron,

 

Doesn't it always turn into or boil down to that? Having said that, I'd like to say - it would depend on the love/relationship/expectations/hope/ability to try again between you and your ex. I agree with you there comes a point when you begin to realize and act upon the obvious fact that what was ain't anymore. Whether or not what you move on to includes or is with the person you broke up with is yet another story. If you both are willing or able to try, that is one thing. Some are, some aren't. It doesn't automatically say or not say that it will work, just like love itself, with anyone. After you break up, the "love" found again with the person you broke up with is a new love in a new space and time, even if it includes elements from the first time around. I think you try to rekindle the good parts, let go and learn from the bad parts, and try like hell to make it better the second time, if it is to have a chance at all. That takes courage and work, but has a reward unto itself. It shows love and dedication to not just each other, but to the "relationship" itself.

[lost_in_chgo]

Ok, I called her today.

I was given reason to believe that my email reply to her last message was intercepted by an overly aggressive anti-spam program at her work.

 

She didn't answer.

I left a message. Saying this, and it sounded like you wanted to chat some more, so call me if you want.

 

I couldn't take the chance that she was thinking I was angry and not replying.

 

And so it begins again....

[mandrews1119]

Dear Lost,

 

Not to worry, it'll be fine. Just your turn to go through the types of changes that you are at this point. I've been there too. The whole process is an eveolution. Keep posting, it keeps me sane.

[amerikajin]

I think resignation ("surrender") is a very important part of the healing process. Until you reach that point, you're always waiting and hoping that things will change, and as a result you don't give yourself a chance to start the process of understanding your past relationship and searching for a new one. Now you can begin the process of healing. It will take a while. It comes in waves. You'll never be the same person, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. You'll be wiser and the next relationship you commit to will be better for it, I think.

[white_angelbreath]

Lost,

 

I feel the same way that you do. After the break-up, there is still a voice within you that wants to hold on to the relationship eventhough there is also a part in you that wants to let go. In your mind, you want to let go and not to feel the pain brought about by the heartache. You try to rationalize the situation by thinking that letting go of her will be for the best of you. But there you can't let go of her totally. That is exactly what I also feel right now.

 

Maybe that is just part of the healing process. We sometimes have to go through the pain. Maybe in the early stage of the break-up, we hope with all our might that someday our love one will return to us. But as days go by, if our hope comes unanswered, our hope dimmers slowly and after a while it disappears.

 

Maybe that is where we are right now.. being lost and insecure because we don't know the future of what will happen to us.. if our love one will come back to us someday or not.

[lost_in_chgo]

Ahhh, that surrender stuff was just a feeling I had one day.

Every day is different but most have me thinking about her either all day or in the morning and evening when things are quiet.

 

That little voicce....it's alot more than that. Every brain cell I have (left) if saying that she is in a mental crisis over her divorce and that she'll come around with time. That she will settle down a bit and realize that the first guy she found was the right guy.

 

Sure about 65% of you are saying "this guy is a wacko"

Perhaps.

But that's the way I was wired and I'm a *very* good judge of people.

 

<rambleon>

 

One really big factor in this whole thing is not knowing why.

why?

why?

 

Of course not everyone gets a reason why for alot of reasons.

 

The reasons I got were made up excuses. Everyone that has heard them and knows her has said so. So I'm left asking why. And why is meaningless because I truly believe this was emotional trauma and that nothing I could have done would have prevented it.

 

When you're ex contacts you and says she wants to be friends, or calls and talks for 5 hours a day and still refuses to see you in person. But says, we'll see when you ask. It can get confusing. There's alot more to all this than just someone got tired of someone else. She never avoided her ex like that, and never called him unless she had to. With me it was constant calls and avoidance. Go figure.

 

Honestly...people...just tell the other person the real reasons.

If you don't know what they are, just say, I'm don't know I just don't feel right about it and I want some space right now.

 

Love never dies in some (most?) of us. We may push it down and find other things to distract us. And we may move on. But those feelings are always there.

 

My door was open.

I had a big sign on the lawn for awhile.

Blinking lights and everything.

 

The door is still open, but the sign is down.

 

Now she's mailing letters that say hi talk to me but not about this and this.

She's returning phone calls and talking about work and even family a little.

She's not asking about me, but she knows some things.

I hope she'll progress to calling on her own at some point.

 

And one day she might just walk in the door and say hi.

 

By then I may have sold the house and moved.

She'll probably be arrested for trespassing.

 

Damn this metaphor stuff is fun.

 

<rambleoff>

[lost_in_chgo]

So here we are, you and me, two months since the last post in this thread.

Perhaps you've read it, perhaps not.

 

Here's an update for you.....

 

In our last episode, the ex sent me an email out of the blue saying Maybe we could actually be friends again some day. But please don't bring up anything about love or relationships or I will have to stop talking to you again.

 

a month goes by...

I call her.

We talk for an hour.

a month goes by...

I IM her.

We chat for 10 minutes.

I cut it short.

 

A month goes by.

She calls me.

Tells me about some developments at work and that they might be calling me.

 

A week goes by.

The old boss calls me. Offers me some contract work, but nothing permanent.

 

Two days go by.

I call the ex on the weekend at her work number and leave her a message saying the boss called.

 

Two days go by.

I send an email to the old boss, saying sorry, can't do it.

 

Next day...

Ex emails, starts asking little questions about the job.

We exchange emails throughout the day, one liners about work.

She says the boss is acting crazy.

 

I say how?

Two days later no reply.

 

 

And so ends this episode of Lost in Chgo

 

Stay tuned...

 

 

Soooo.....

What will we read into this?

Take it at face value?

 

I never told the ex that I turned down the job (and the chance to see her and work with her again for the first time since Sept 2003). She didn't ask, but I presume she assumed I would take it and that she still thought that during these conversations.

 

Despite wanting to take this job, it wasn't in my best interests to do so and would in effect result in me bailing out my old boss, the person who drove me out of the company in the first place and probably precipitated the breakup or at the very least enabled it.

 

Still I have people lecturing me like I am a three year old about doing what's right for me, when I've been doing that all along. As if I would run back to a bad situation just to see the ex. Amazing the way people focus in on something and exclude everything else that happens.

 

So nothing for the last couple days.

The ex turns 30 in a month. That will be an interesting milestone.

[Dixiecron]

Well,

 

Based on the pattern of the last few months I'd say you might get an e-mail around the time of her birthday. I won't try to read anything into your latest developments, I figure you'll eventually get what you want right now or come to a point where you just decide to stop waiting.

 

Just so you don't feel too alone, here's a funny update on my ex:

 

Got an e-mail from her last month saying "good luck on your exams". Thing is, they were already over by that point, so it was kind of amusing given the sort of person she is (as in "me first, if I overlook anything important to someone else it doesn't really matter and they can just get over it"). I never bothered to respond. Nothing left to say. So anyways, I'm at my best friend's house over Memorial Day weekend for a BBQ and she shows up all dressed up and wearing her favorite perfume, etc., and doesn't bring her new boyfriend. She manages to corner me while I'm getting the burgers ready and we had this conversation:

her: I sent you an e-mail.

me: yep.

her: I thought you had quit your job or something.

me: nope.

 

So she seems to get the message and leaves me alone after that. Now my friend had told me earlier that she wasn't staying for dinner, so later on I'm by the grill asking folks how they want their burgers cooked. I skip the ex since she's not eating, but what does she say anyways?

her: Hey Dixie what about me? Aren't you going to ask how I want my burger?

me: Mark said you're not eating.

her: -says nothing-

another friend says to her: Dixie's got you there, you know...

 

Damn. I'm a few months from 30 myself and I'm already too old for this s**t.

 

Take care, Lost.

[BrotherD]

Lost

 

Your posts have always comforted me. Thank you so much. You have helped me tremendously!!!

 

I wanted to say I felt the same way this morning. Very blue. I too for the first time had a sense of finality. I have gone to hell and back.

I witnessed some very bizarre behavior, which brought out the worst in me. I'm not proud of my part in it as well...

Having said that, I return to my former life and it is not a bad one. I realized I have many friends, family and associates whom hold me in high regard. I took that for granted at times and this experience has clarified how lucky, successful and happy my life really is.

 

I had a sense of the unimportance of "why?" as well.

 

Why did my ex turn so cold? Why was my ex so nasty to me? Why couldn't we just have a good time? Why did our different socio-economic backrounds make a difference? A thousand reasons why?

 

I don't get to know. And that's a breakthrough! I won't understand and I won't know why. There is some relief from the circular

thought processes that have seemed to dominate my brain the last few months. I WON'T GET TO KNOW WHY!

 

In the meantime, I believe that I must stay the course of No Contact and all the implications it implies. In doing so, I MIGHT LOSE TOUCH WITH MY EX FOREVER! Not for the faint of heart. However, I cannot go back to what we were doing. I'm clear about that. And I never wanted to call it quits, so I hold firm that if we had something and it was meant to be, the ex will find me.

 

Until then No Contact from me.

 

I've read that it would be easier if our ex's died. That way we would have enforced closure aka no hope for a return/rekindling/ressurection.

But my feelings this morning were that what we had is dead and gone. Not a happy time.

 

Again, thanx Lost

[lost_in_chgo]

Dixie,

 

you going to let her in next time she knocks on that door?

or just keep talking thru the intercom/security door?

[lost_in_chgo]

Bro,

 

Did you catch this thread ?

(answer there please.)

Figure you did with the socio-economic references...

Good to hear that maybe she's not off the mark in her analysis.

[Dixiecron]

Lost,

 

If someone's robbed me blind once before and has questionable motives, they are going to need to "state their business" before I buzz them in. Ahh, metaphors.

[mandrews1119]

Hey there!

 

Good to see you are still out there, and still on the positive side. So am I. It isn't easy, but we do. I think you will be hearing better news because your ex sounds like she is still doing the dance from long distance with you. I think it is only a matter of time before she gets up the nerve to try something more concrete. In her own mind she has to be running out of reasons not to. As usual, best of everything.

[lost_in_chgo]

Thanks Mr Positive.

[clia]

Holy crap! Are you still not over her? It's been six months!

 

Eek! Get out there and start dating, buddy!

[lost_in_chgo]

six? more like 9.

haven't found anyone I like even half as much.

not anyone that's available anyway...

[sid3]

HARD TO BE THAT INTERSTED IN DATING WHEN YOUR STILL IN LOVE WITH THE FORMER GIRLFRIEND. GUESS SOME PEOPLE CAN PICK UP AND MOVE ON EASIER THAN OTHERS. TOUGH WHEN THE FIRST THING THAT HITS YOU WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR EYES IS THAT REALIZATION THAT SHE'S GONE. WHETHER OR NOT FOR GOOD JUST ADDS TO THE DAYS OBSSESIVE THOUGHTS, LEAST MINE ANYHOW. PERHAPS THE DEMISE OF HOPE, BUT SURELY NOT THE ADVENT OF SURRENDER. LEAST NOT YET

[lost_in_chgo]

There will be no surrender.

 

Hey, that was just a passing thought from a bad day.

Had a nice chat with a nice girl today. Unfortunately someone got to her first and she is engaged. She wasn't when I first encountered her, but I was not in a good state of mind to start a relationship back then.

 

Timing is everything.

[clia]

Do you get out much? I totally understand how hard it can be to get over someone, but nine months is a really long time to still be moping around. (No offense.) There are tons of nice, fun girls available in Chicago, if you just give some of them a chance.

[lost_in_chgo]

I'm not much for casual dating. This last one was the shortest relationship I've ever had (6 mo.) though I did know her for years prior to that.

 

Don't drink, have few friends, don't make friends easily, work in a male dominated field, somewhat shy at first, balding, somewhat overweight though I'm told I look good. None of these are eliminating factors, but they do narrow the field. Plus I'm somewhat picky.

 

For the first time in years one of my family members offered to try to fix me up with someone. No one in particular, just a vague offer. These things never materialize anyway in my experience.

 

Just ignore me and I'll go away

or was that give me what I want and I'll go away?

 

Tried eharmony, they rejected me. Seems they reject bout 20% of their applications. Some guy on the radio had the same problem. Tried another site and got approached by a bunch of shills for the company and some older women, but nothing that interested me.

[sid3]

I'm certain that it's "give me what I want and I'll go away".Spoken by Mr. Linoge.Storm of the Century. I don't think 9 months is all that long when love is at stake. Although I don't think I'd be saying that if the ex was dating and I was waiting around for 9 days. Circumstances have a lot to do with things. Although I'm a rookie at the no contact thing, I'm feeling much better about it. Was starting to think hope was just another four letter word until I read a hopeful story by blue lp. So now I am encouraged to keep a little hope around. To surrender, that would only convince the ex that I didn't truly love, but since I do if guilt bothers her that's her problem, gotta put me first.

[lost_in_chgo]

I IM'd her a couple days ago and asked what was going on with work. If anything came up from my turning down their offer for work.

 

We chatted online for about 5 hours on and off during the day.

 

She caught me up on her life and then

she asked about my new job and what I was working on.

She asked if I liked it.

 

That's the first time she's showed interest and she seemed disappointed that I've turned down a few offers for contract work from her work. She'd already been updated by a coworker. She asked if I never wanted to come back there. I said it might be awkward, but that I would if they offered something worth my while.

 

She made a point of saying that she was either at work or at home and had no time for anything.

She always hints at things instead of being direct. But I think there's some doubt and thinking in there. It's actually showing some promise, though my stress level is peaking again. No contact really helps reduce the stress....after awhile....but the early stages are a bear.

 

No word since. (though she did have her daughter's birthday to celebrate today...)

[estakado]

"She always hints at things instead of being direct. But I think there's some doubt and thinking in there."

 

See how she plays it? She always trys to give you enough but just to keep wondering so that she'll be on your mind. You need to step your game up and build your confidence so that she will be the one to find out what you are doing. The next time you talk to her, try not to tell her everything and keep some stuff open ended so that you can explain it to her later...that way you will keep her interest up and that she wont be able to expect the same old routine for you.

 

Keep building and paying attention to yourself bro. Get that swagger back.

[quasimoto]

Originally posted by estakado

"She always hints at things instead of being direct. But I think there's some doubt and thinking in there."

 

See how she plays it? She always trys to give you enough but just to keep wondering so that she'll be on your mind. You need to step your game up and build your confidence so that she will be the one to find out what you are doing. The next time you talk to her, try not to tell her everything and keep some stuff open ended so that you can explain it to her later...that way you will keep her interest up and that she wont be able to expect the same old routine for you.

 

Keep building and paying attention to yourself bro. Get that swagger back.

 

yeh guy...i couldn't agree more. i won't lie & say that i don't want to lay it out to her, but i know that keeping my distance and not showing my hand is probably the best thing that i could have done right now. it allowed me the feeling of being able to have some room to work in for myself. now i'm doing all these really cool things and i'm pretty happy with myself - mystery can be a good thing

[lost_in_chgo]

See how she plays it? She always trys to give you enough but just to keep wondering so that she'll be on your mind.

 

Giving her a little too much evil intent there I think. She's wrapped up in her problems, not trying to play me. The hints and such are because she doesn't know how to communicate openly. She wants to talk, but doesn't know how to start. Looking back at our relationship that became obvious, once I saw the truth and looked back at the hints. Now I know what to look for, but perhaps not what it means.