my thread about that damn girl

[monkeymaid]

im going ot try to make this short

 

- met bosses daughter and started dating this girl (stopped cuz of distance)

- we hung out and spoke over the years, but were never best friends. there was alway chemsitry

- began dating in may/june 2008

- i broke up because of my isecurities that her actions did not help (salsa dancing, excluding me from aspects of her life etc...)in december 2008

- therapy, and change on my part, and reconciled in april 2009

- best year of my life

- worked through everything together, had the best fun, talks, sex, plans for the future etc...

- december i decided i needed to go to school, and the relationship started getting comfortable.

- middle january she started getting weird, and antsy. kept telling me that she didnt trust me to take care of her in the future. she was upset i didnt have as much time, and that i was stressed out cuz i had/have 2 jobs, go to school full time, have to stay in shape for 1 of the jobs and still being attentive to her. she was also pissed that i was taking are of my dad and seemed to have such an emotional tie to him (my brother and i take care of him. he lives with us).

- i tried being more attentive, reassuring, go out of my way for her when i could.

 

here is the breakup part

 

- late january, she was depressed so i rubbed her back, made her tea, talked to her, sang to her, and then while she was feeling better, i picked up her phone to set her backfround as us. ...stumbled on a text from a guy she was flirting with actively from her salsa club scene. "i have a boyfriend, but i would really like to get to know you, we should hang out for drinks". ...i called her on it, she cried, i walked out calmly telling her i need a few days, and in the mean time, she should reevaluate our relationship and what she wants. ...she did, and said it was me, im sorry blah blha. i, like a fool, decided that she had been through enough pain, and forgave her within a week.

 

WRONG!!!! 4 weeks after that on feb 27th, she went salsa dancing. she was weird on the phone, but i let it pass as paranoia, and said nothing. i just thought it was me. the next morning, i went to her house to wake her up with a rose and breakfast, and she was still acting funnny. ...ok it wasnt just me head. i checked her phone. there was another convo with this guy at 3 am telling her to come over and her flirting back. ....she didnt go, but let on that she wanted to. just the fact that she is keeping up communications outside of that scene is enough for me to not be comfortable. ...i couldnt deal with that sort of disrespect. and what kind of guy would i be if i didnt see this as a red flag? same guy and just friends....**** that. i broke up with her on the spot. we talked about her disrespect, me being weary of her and now not trusting her, and i flipped the situation around with us in opposite roles for her to see and she was a stone. like she wanted this to happen. she got it!

 

problem is, i cant seem to get it through my head that i didnt do anything wrong but be a liitle less available. and for a great reason no less. isnt that supposed to BUILD desire and attraction? what could i have done differently? i made a choice to better my life for me, and my relationship. and she just chose to be entertained by someone else. i want her back. ..but i want her to be commited.

 

i am at a loss, i want to cry ...AGAIN, and i feel loss right now. ...i want to contact her, but cant seem to muster the courage

[McGrupp]

u made some mistakes but still walked away which is GREAT.

 

ur better off. from that story i got shes is a goldigger and a cheater. u can do better.

[GrayClouds]

- therapy, and change on my part,

 

It sounds like the hard work of therapy worked. You were able to make a rational decision you could no except that her behaviors. You were able to decipher that it was not a case of you having unreasonable insecurities but she was being disrespectful to you.

 

You did the right thing, it will still hurt but keep no contact. You did a great job of respecting yourself, now keep it up and move on. She is not good enough for you.

[monkeymaid]

She is not good enough for you.

 

u are like the 90th person to say that....her mom told me that. ...could explain why she searches for outside validation

 

i logically understand, but cant seem to feel that way

 

 

and yes, therapy definately worked. i kept goin through the year and just stopped in january

[Rearden Metal]

Man she really EFFED up here. Unless you're leaving out some major bit of information, you were doing a lot of things right and she just lost her focus/desire. Seems like an attention whore who isn't ready for a real relationship.

[monkeymaid]

here is what i left out. ...she wanted me to move away from my dad, and let him take care of himself. ...he has some health issues and cant really do much. ...he is trying, but it seems to not be enough. she wanted me to move into a place alone and not be taking care of anyone else so i could take care of her etc... and becasue i didnt do that, she started complaining about how am i going to be able to take care of a family and my dad at the same time.

 

 

...these were all of the reasons i decided to go back to school for my masters degree. more money. her business that her parents are giving her, and my business that i am in the process of starting (yes i am pretty busy, especially now after the breakup) we would have been able to help out my dad with the 500/600 bux a month for rent, and still be comfortable with a lavish lifestyle with vacations, kids, nice things etc...

 

argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[GrayClouds]

here is what i left out. ...she wanted me to move away from my dad, and let him take care of himself. ...he has some health issues and cant really do much. ...he is trying, but it seems to not be enough. she wanted me to move into a place alone and not be taking care of anyone else so i could take care of her etc... and becasue i didnt do that, she started complaining about how am i going to be able to take care of a family and my dad at the same time.

 

 

...these were all of the reasons i decided to go back to school for my masters degree. more money. her business that her parents are giving her, and my business that i am in the process of starting (yes i am pretty busy, especially now after the breakup) we would have been able to help out my dad with the 500/600 bux a month for rent, and still be comfortable with a lavish lifestyle with vacations, kids, nice things etc...

 

argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

This girl is a spoiled selfish piece of sh#t, if she can not see your action for your father as a quality trait then she needs to do some therapy. It says you value relationships and family. What quality women does not want that in a man.

 

The reason you are having a hard time letting goes, it appears, you are a care taker. Someone who generously give of himself to others helping make their lives better.

 

She is a user. That is why the relationship worked of so long. You could give she could use. Most of what you did was for her. Match made in heaven until you realized that love is not a one way street. That she had to give a little too, like not flirting with others guys (like that is asking for a lot). But that was too much, it changed the rules for her. Until then you were to make all off the sacrifices.

 

Now the relationship is over but your still trying to figure what you did that is wrong. Having a hard time letting go because there is a ngging feeling you should have done more, and if you did she would have been this wonder girl who truly understand how much you gave and love you deeply. But she will never be that girl, she is spoiled and selfish, and must likely never change. Even her mom understands that. You could have climb the highest mountain, yelled I love you with a bull horn, she would have never heard it. For her love is something she get not something she gives.

 

Buy "No More MR Nice Guy", likely it is not 100% of your story but it will give you some insight.

[unsaved]

Monkey,

 

Is this the same situation you and I were relating to earlier through my posts? I'm assuming so, but just checking.

 

Man, she REALLY wronged you! Texting other guys like that? You do NOT deserve that! That IS cheating! You need to STAY AWAY from her! You need to focus on YOU and moving on. I know it may seem mean but I'm telling you to truly help you. Just like I had said from my "dumper" post before, she wants to move on to someone else and a "grass is greener" situation. She doesn't know it yet and hasn't done it yet, but her behaviors are screaming it. I have been there, as we all know from my posts. (Although, I will say I NEVER texted other men or did anything like what you are saying about your ex).

 

YOU know it though. And, man, I know that HURTS. That would hurt my ego SO BAD to know that someone wants to move on from me after I've given them the world and more. Especially after they have appeared to have loved me too. All breakups involve this! I'm definitely going through that right now too. I feel ya.

 

Monkey, you really sound like a WONDERFUL person. What makes you think you cannot find someone even MORE wonderful than this chick? I know you can. Keep up with your NC and your attitude that you can no longer have her in your life. But, do it for you only. Don't do it to make her come back.

 

Keep posting. We are all here for you.

[boogieboy]

here is what i left out. ...she wanted me to move away from my dad, and let him take care of himself. ...he has some health issues and cant really do much. ...he is trying, but it seems to not be enough. she wanted me to move into a place alone and not be taking care of anyone else so i could take care of her etc... and becasue i didnt do that, she started complaining about how am i going to be able to take care of a family and my dad at the same time.

 

Because you didnt do what she wanted, she lost her attraction to you. Thats where it started. She is spoiled. Im pretty sure soon after this is when she started shopping around and thats where the cheating starts. You dont want this back, it will only happen again with the same thing or something else. You dont want a girl like this. Keep telling yourself this so you wont look for a reason to call her.

[monkeymaid]

thanks for all of the encouragement.

 

somewhere inside me knows what you are al lsaying, and i feel it in sporadic episodes, but always seem to miss her by the end of the day, and just want her lying next to me. ...i have already been out, and have started chatting up other girls, but i think this is one of those life changing sort of loves that i am trying to deal with. i never wanted to marry a girl or could see a future with her let alone plan it.

 

i let her deep inside. deeper than anyone else. she had access to every inch of me but i guess it wasnt reciprocated. at least i know how deep i can feel now. i still wwant her to fix herself and be happy though.

 

i suppose i wont care in another month or 2 god only knows...sigh:sick:

[Rearden Metal]

thanks for all of the encouragement.

 

somewhere inside me knows what you are al lsaying, and i feel it in sporadic episodes, but always seem to miss her by the end of the day, and just want her lying next to me. ...i have already been out, and have started chatting up other girls, but i think this is one of those life changing sort of loves that i am trying to deal with. i never wanted to marry a girl or could see a future with her let alone plan it.

 

i let her deep inside. deeper than anyone else. she had access to every inch of me but i guess it wasnt reciprocated. at least i know how deep i can feel now. i still wwant her to fix herself and be happy though.

 

i suppose i wont care in another month or 2 god only knows...sigh:sick:

 

 

This is a mirror of my life and feelings right now. To the word. Head up, monkey!

[monkeymaid]

for some reason, today ,i am feeling weak. i have fought the urge to contact her, and keep wondering if/when she will call me.

 

i went to work, worked on a car im building, moved some stuff into storage, did laundry, worked on some marketing for my side business, ran, cooked and ate dinner, and i still find myself sitting here wondering/hoping that any minute my phone will ring and i will her her beautiful voice.

 

i was going to stay home and chill tonight, as i have gone out for the last 10 days straight, but i am already contemplating what to send in an email. how to make it short, and concise, not ellicit neediness, show her what shes missing, recollect on the good, etc...

 

 

f-it ...i am going to use this thread as a sort of diary for my progress and to write all of the things i want to tell her.

 

oy!

Edited March 13, 2010 by monkeymaid
i feel like a pussy

[monkeymaid]

"you yelled at me to marry you. you named our children, you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you loved me. i did everything i could for you, for us. you are so strong. .y did you have to let yours eyes, your heart wander around? do you know that i died when i found out you were still talking to that guy? that is called emotional infidelity coupled with noncommital tendencies. do you understand what that does to any man? you had your foot out the door again. y couldnt you just tell me? why couldnt we have had better communication and a mutual understanding? do you think that this was my prefered choice? i miss you, and i love you and i hate you all at the same time. i wanted to be what you wanted. i tried. tell me you are sorry. tell me you love me and still want to have a family and be my baby tonight, and every night.

 

do you remember when we first met i sure do it was some time in early september.

though you were lazy about it, you made me wait around, i was so crazy about you i didnt mind.

 

 

...well i was crazy about you then and now the craziest thing of all over 10 years have gone by. ...and youre not mine im locked in time, can we rewind??

[GrayClouds]

Again, "No More MR Nice Guy", likely it is not 100% of your story but it will give you some insight it will at least give you something to do over the week end.

 

Here is anther exercise to do. Get a piece of paper and a pen. Start a list of all the stings that you dislike, put up with, hated about this girl. Nothing is to big or two small, write as much as you can and keep adding to it when something new comes up. Everything from her selfishness to her monkey ears, be specified and direct. It is a good reminder when your missing her what your really missing.

[monkeymaid]

i will pick it up tonight. it cant hurt!

 

i know about my nice guy syndrome, and it seems to be ok, but sometimes i backslide. i am working on it.

 

...thanks

 

 

i went for a nice bike ride today and that helped. now, i am packing to move out of my house! fun...does **** ever stop? i think i create this for myself in some way. i dunno

 

 

how do you guys pick your self esteem up when it just seems to be laying in mud?

[Rearden Metal]

"you yelled at me to marry you. you named our children, you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you loved me. i did everything i could for you, for us. you are so strong. .y did you have to let yours eyes, your heart wander around? do you know that i died when i found out you were still talking to that guy? that is called emotional infidelity coupled with noncommital tendencies. do you understand what that does to any man? you had your foot out the door again. y couldnt you just tell me? why couldnt we have had better communication and a mutual understanding? do you think that this was my prefered choice? i miss you, and i love you and i hate you all at the same time. i wanted to be what you wanted. i tried. tell me you are sorry. tell me you love me and still want to have a family and be my baby tonight, and every night.

 

do you remember when we first met i sure do it was some time in early september.

though you were lazy about it, you made me wait around, i was so crazy about you i didnt mind.

 

 

...well i was crazy about you then and now the craziest thing of all over 10 years have gone by. ...and youre not mine im locked in time, can we rewind??

 

Man, this made me tear up a bunch. I feel you, bro.

[GrayClouds]

i will pick it up tonight. it cant hurt!

 

i know about my nice guy syndrome, and it seems to be ok, but sometimes i backslide. i am working on it.

 

...thanks

 

 

i went for a nice bike ride today and that helped. now, i am packing to move out of my house! fun...does **** ever stop? i think i create this for myself in some way. i dunno

 

 

how do you guys pick your self esteem up when it just seems to be laying in mud?

 

Your already doing the right things by getting and biking but now stop finding a way to blame yourself for everything.

[monkeymaid]

i bought the book, started reading it. ...i feel worse today now that i have woken up. this is the first day that my thoughts have instantly went to her this morning, and now wondering if she is waking up with some other guy, if she misses me or ever will, if that was love or if i am just naive.

 

 

i really want to call her or send her an email. something to get the ball rolling

[GrayClouds]

i bought the book, started reading it. ...i feel worse today now that i have woken up. this is the first day that my thoughts have instantly went to her this morning, and now wondering if she is waking up with some other guy, if she misses me or ever will, if that was love or if i am just naive.

 

 

i really want to call her or send her an email. something to get the ball rolling

 

All that will do it make you feel worst. Remember once you get that ball rolling must likely down hill will be it chosen direction. Any question you ask will not lead to an answer but to more questions, and the more questions ask the longer you stay hurting.

 

Just as you spent the raltionship to confirm you were lovable, you tried harder and harder to make her happy and in return she she can prove you are worthy. You hurting, that is understandable but you want to contact her for her approval, the confirm you should be hurting. It a pattern of looking for external confirmation for internal feelings in both cases.

 

You are hurting because you loved her deeply and her inability to reciprocate the love in the end is about her not you. Just as the pain you feel is yours and your alone.

 

Hang in there.

[mella]

a good place to start would be no more sad music, no more Jack Johnson for a bit - it's not helpful to sit and listen to songs like that right now. Put on some metal!

[monkeymaid]

gray clouds....you are definately my saving grace for the last 3 days. ...and its weird cuz i dont even know you. you are words on a screen, yet i feel like someone kind of cares. ..outside of my circle of friends, which i have been trying to let on that i am not bothered, cuz well, apparently i am a "nice guy" *shudders*.

 

that book is a good read. not done yet, but soon.

 

i will not call her, or contact her.

 

i work for her parents though at 1 of my jobs, and its rather hard right now as its the lions share of my income. they need me and i need them.

 

to the outside world, i am a stone. a pillar of strength, and the go to guy. everyone looks to me for their guidance at work, i am the only one who can talk to my boss and get her to listen (her mom) and yet am still walking dead. my whole world is a facade atm, and it sucks. her mom never liked us together (probably cuz it was too close with work, family etc...) ...we actually met through her mom and dad, and i knew them before her, and i will likely know them for a long time to come, that is just the truth of the matter. they love me, just not for her. im not jewish, or rich, but i am fantastic at making them money, work hard, know my job well, and am hot to boot. **** it all. ...im going back to sleep. g'night!

[monkeymaid]

a good place to start would be no more sad music, no more Jack Johnson for a bit - it's not helpful to sit and listen to songs like that right now. Put on some metal!

 

didnt think anyone would have got that. ....thanks man cheers!!! actually i have been listening to pantera and pennywise mostly. been running, biking, practicing capoeira, parkour, studying bio for no apparent reason, doing my psych homework, stats homework, packing, selling bikes (side business), working alot. i mean, **** i literally cannot do anything more. my days are full from beginning to end, and i still somehow find time to slip in a thought or 2.

 

 

therapist said that there was no way around this. i have to go through it.

[Tinkerbelll]

Go on with NC which is the only way at the end, and allowes you to gain perspective in the long term.

We all know that it was her fault: flirting like just cannot happen in a relationship with a bit of TRUST and RESPECT.

She needes to ask for a second chance and be worth it!

Everything different from this scenario is not good for you.

Now take your time, fight ay by day as we all do.

[mella]

Pantera is perfect! I'm not a dude, just a Zappa fan. Sorry, I know that's unclear.

 

Anyway, I think your doc is correct, there is no way to go through this without feeling a bit of pain. I think you are doing everything you can, exercise is very important and will keep you out of a clinical depression. It's okay that thoughts slip in, it's what you do with them, it's how you cope with all of this that is important, and I think you are doing a bang up job. You are going to be just fine, in time.

[monkeymaid]

new development. ...i have to see her thursday night.

 

i work for her parents, she works for her parents. we work at different locations, so thats ok, but thursday, we have a work function that everyone has to go to, and i will see her.

 

i am more saddened by the thought of seeing her and not being able to laugh/tease/kiss on her, and i really dont want to put on the facade of being ok. i am not ok. thats the truth, and i dont want to have to hide it.