my thread about that damn girl

[GrayClouds]

.

 

You miss her, she does not miss you otherwise she would be there. Harsh? Yes but your giving into to your feeling and it is not helping you. Your having bad day but you been through this, You had some good days, you will have more. You know that now. You step back to steps forward. As you just said your not doing the thing you need to be doing. Go for a run

 

And tomorrow pick up and read it this weekend:

 

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life

[monkeymaid]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t187135/?highlight=monkeymaid

 

i wrote about our 1st breakup, which i also broke up with her. ...it wasnt far from the same train of thought that this one is. ...although, i was way more insecure during that one. ...i worked on it, and this time, the difference is, i didnt let my insecurities warn me off till she actually went through with the emotional infidelity.

 

 

i should have stayed broken up with her last time.

 

 

****, i hope we never see each other again.

Edited April 1, 2010 by monkeymaid

[monkeymaid]

i thnk im losing my mind!

 

 

i think i want her back. like NOW!!!

 

i cant see straight, my heart is racing, im not doing so well. ...i miss her like crazy. i dont want anything else, i cant keep my mind or body busy enough, i mis her, i think i ****ed up royally here. i think that maybe i SHOULD have stuck with her. ....im feel like someone has put a knife in my chest and is s-l-o-w-l-y twisting it around. ..literalyl, its burniing, my face feels pressure, and heat, my stomach is nauseous, and i have tears in my face that wont come out.

 

...my first anxiety attack ever is hitting me. and i cant control anything.

 

i am feeling a need to break nc. ...just to see if we can get back together. i really want to try. ...i broke it off, so i should bridge the nc barrier no?? ....ive been so strong. ...today i woke up as if i was the master of the world. ...now i feel like the biggest reject. ....what the ****. ....then i checked the fb. ...i dont even have fb. i used my works fb that i HAVE to manage. looks like back in the end of december, she changed the relationship status from "in a relationship" to "its a little confusing" im sitting here paralyzed, and motionless, and i really just want to here her voice. ..im so irrational right now, but i cant look past anything atm. i just see her. ...in my head, in my thoughts, memories, i look around and i see her, i go for a run and shes right next to me. i know i shouldnt, but im feeling really weak right now

 

**** ....how the hell do i fix this and turn back time? or change it to put her back in my arms?? there is a way. ...theres always a way. ...i just dont know it ...YET!

 

 

someone,. anyone help please!! ive been fighting tears for about 3 and a half hours now, and i just want to stare at her pics, or call her or something!! I havent done anything yet, but i SOOO want to. ...

[monkeymaid]

cloud, i picked up that book. ...i am reading it now. ...and had a GREAT therapist appt today.

 

that book seriously is good to just here that what i am feeling is normal.

 

 

that said, i do love and want her more than anything still, and wont deny it. ...i am learning however, that i dont have to be a depressed little bitch about it, and can function if i allow myself to feel all of the tings im feeling, like sadness, and physical pain, take note of where in my body it is, and just notcie myself whilst going through these emotions.. ..i tried it today and it was very empowering.

 

needless to say, yesterday i was a ****ed up mess. im still feeling like resching out, but have more control over my actions. ...thank god i didnt do it yesterday!

[GrayClouds]

cloud, i picked up that book. ...i am reading it now. ...and had a GREAT therapist appt today.

 

that book seriously is good to just here that what i am feeling is normal.

 

 

that said, i do love and want her more than anything still, and wont deny it. ...i am learning however, that i dont have to be a depressed little bitch about it, and can function if i allow myself to feel all of the tings im feeling, like sadness, and physical pain, take note of where in my body it is, and just notcie myself whilst going through these emotions.. ..i tried it today and it was very empowering.

 

Good

 

And your so very right. It is not about ignoring your emotions, or fighting them. That only holds a person back, it about acknowledging them but not letting them control you. And a good deal of what your feeling is just natural chemicals the kicks in after a loss like this.

 

When you do feel those overwhelming longing for your ex, it is good to try define those longings; is it loss, it fear, loneliness, horniness, sadness. Then you able to help yourself to understand that it is less about her and more about that thing you feel is missing at that point and time. Often it is more about how you felt with the person then the person yourself, specially if you look back and see they really did not treat you well.

 

There will be some set backs but every time you feels them remind yourself that you will again feel better. That and make sure you are doing the other things; eating well and regular, exercising, following through on new hobbies, etc.

[monkeymaid]

i have to laugh right now because i just looked in the mirror for real. it was NAKEY TIME!!!! and i was actually rather impressed with myself. ...15+ lbs of fat off in 4 weeks and i put on muscle faster than kirstie ally can pack away a box of twinkies. so like 10 lbs of muscle. ...body fat is down about 5.5% ...im kicking ass at school, i quit an extraneous job to do some of the stuff i love, and found extra time to hang with the buds more than im used to. im getting back to the old hobbies (surfing, spearfishing, mountain biking, hiking) and found that im rather adept to live in the wild (or rather realized once again).

 

i would say that for the time i have to kill when im not depressed, ive done ok after a month.

 

 

...essentially i just looked at my whole self and found myself smiling at what i saw. and im nowhere near done yet. im not even warmed up!

 

this thing here that is happening is definately life changing. ...in both directions for the short term, but ultimately in a positive one for the long.

[Tommy's Girl]

I almost think that by not erasing text messages she may have wanted to get caught. If you looked at her phone before she'd know you'd look again. Of course, Tiger didn't erase his.

[monkeymaid]

haha. ...she did start to erase them. i caught them the morning after around 9 am ...i woke her up, then checked them asap as she was acting way funny there were only 5 messages ...all from him @3am

 

she did start erasing them

 

did u just read that whole thing??

 

 

ooohhh tiger. his strokes are. ....um uhhh ...nvm

Edited April 3, 2010 by monkeymaid

[GrayClouds]

i have to laugh right now because i just looked in the mirror for real. it was NAKEY TIME!!!! and i was actually rather impressed with myself. ...15+ lbs of fat off in 4 weeks and i put on muscle faster than kirstie ally can pack away a box of twinkies. so like 10 lbs of muscle. ...body fat is down about 5.5% ...im kicking ass at school, i quit an extraneous job to do some of the stuff i love, and found extra time to hang with the buds more than im used to. im getting back to the old hobbies (surfing, spearfishing, mountain biking, hiking) and found that im rather adept to live in the wild (or rather realized once again).

 

i would say that for the time i have to kill when im not depressed, ive done ok after a month.

 

 

...essentially i just looked at my whole self and found myself smiling at what i saw. and im nowhere near done yet. im not even warmed up!

 

this thing here that is happening is definately life changing. ...in both directions for the short term, but ultimately in a positive one for the long.

 

Remember this feel and when the next bad day, hour, minute hits, remind yourself you did feel good and will again.

[soma]

Sorry for what you're going through monkeymaid. It sounds like she had the winning ticket and put her gum in it.

I read the whole thread and you seem to be doing everything right. Keep up the good work! =)

[monkeymaid]

****. ....cloud, i am using this book for everything its worth!! i would gladly have paid out the ass for it!!

 

 

so today i felt for a glimpse of a second that not only did i not need her, but i didnt want her!!!! i thought to myself, "self!, you love her and always will. you will always have her as a part of you, and you will always be able to pull from EVERY experience you shared with her. its done now. ...you dont kill yourself cuz you might die one day, you dont throw out your new clothes cuz there going to be old one day, so why be so sad that you lost a relationship one day? you always like trying new things, you are a crazy sob that says yes to everything, so why not say yes to the new challenge? "

 

now i know that this is a cyclic process, and i know i will fall into sadness once again at the weirdest of times, but i did realize!! and thats good enough for right now.

 

oh, and for anyone who reads this, get the book referenced earlier in this thread and try the visualization exercise where the grown up/perfect version of you talks to the child version of you. ....its crazy the type of perspective you will gain! and be able to adopt!

 

 

 

the date with the girl ...i canceled it. no sense in that as of yet. ...i was horny when i made the date, but im ok for now (and she was my exs co worker/friend), so ....next time

 

soma, thanks for reading the thread! i am going to agre with you in having the winning lottery ticket. as for the gum, um, yeah she kinda did, but we all have our ****, and she just hasnt resolved hers as of yet. she will. i know she will. i have a tremendous amount of faith in her, and know that if she keeps working on herself, she will get there. too bad for her though.

 

Happy Easter everyone!!

or Pesach Sameach!! (Happy Passover) ...whichever.

[GrayClouds]

I am very happy you find the book helpful but it is your effort that is getting you there. The big and little does sound cornier then a farmers market in August but surprising helpful. Remember to use it when your feeling down.

 

Keep up the good work, you are getting their, and will be a better man for the effort.

[monkeymaid]

hahahahah ...so today, i had to call the exs work to confirm a customers payment, and ended up leaving a message for her. ...her voice was on the answering machine. it was the first time ive heard it in a little less than 2 months. ...my heart sank into my ass, and i felt nauseous and rather sick from terror!!

 

i got through it whatever.

 

like an hour later i got a call from her dad.

 

...hey monkey, its aba (dad in hebrew), you called the other work wondering about so and so, and im calling you back from arrowhead to tell you that txxxx (the ex) checked and its ok, payment went through yaddayadda.

 

it made my day. ...what an ego boost. ....she couldnt bring herself to call me back! she had to have her dad do it on his vacation!!! that made me smile big!

 

the only ex based thought i really had was "maybe her heart dropped farther than mine and she is really ashamed!"

 

dont worry, im still dedicated to the process!

[EthanH]

Hey, have read your thread and feel so bad for you, but then again, as you admit, you are allowing yourself to feel this way.

 

I'm in a similar situation, only differences are that she didn't cheat on me and it was her who broke it off. In a way, part of the reason was that she saw it as too good, she is young, and so it scared her. You can read about my situation here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t227730/

 

Anyway about your situation. And this is just my opinion. One thing I have realised by using a similar site to this previously is that the advice provided is sometimes helpful, but no matter how much you tell someone on here about your situation, most people cannot understand it fully and their own experiences twist the advice. There isn't really a right and wrong to how you should act.

 

I think number one is that I felt uncomfortable when you said you read her phone and her email. I know she wasn't trustworthy, and I know once you knew she was like that, it justified you doing it. But at the same time, you have to respect her privacy. When you start doing things like that, and your actions are as a result of what you see, it is really not healthy for you or things between you. IF you wanted to get back with her, you just have to let her come to you, and IF she does that, you have to set out in black and white what you expect and then just trust her. You can't have a halfway house in this... it needs to be all or nothing. And if you cannot trust her, then move on and meet someone who you can trust. (whatever you do, don't take your fear of someone cheating on you onto the next relationship)

 

Also, the way you are acting seems so similar to how I have been. The reality is, she seems to be getting on with her life. The difference between out situations is that she can do that because she was the one who was dumped, so she had that closure, she can move on, she has that anger inside to put into making a new life for herself. My ex doesn't have that. She has the doubt that she made the wrong decision.

 

I think if you are going to make this no contact thing work, you have to do it in an all or nothing kinda way. You have to be very clinical about things. Before my break-up, i didn't think i had the ability to put things out of my mind. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and when my ex was able to socialise with out mutual friends and they were none the wiser that she was upset about us (she told me in hindsight she was)... I just couldn't understand it. But i can now. You have to get on with your life, put yourself first. Do things for you... not because you are 'being strong' in an effort to somehow prove something to your ex. If you are going to do non-contact, then put yourself first at every opportunity. But before you do that, spell things out to her, in a very simple and unemotional way. What you want, what you think etc. And then leave it. Let her have space. Let her think. If she did like you enough, she will come to her own conclusions. And most importantly, don't let yourself get upset. Just stop yourself. I have got to the stage now where I'm too exhausted to cry, I'm mentally drained, and in a way, I think that is good, because I now see that getting upset about things isn't going to help. I know it is a natural reaction, but you have to say, ok, i'm going to be strong, and that is your best chance of success, in getting this girl back, and for it to work if you get back, and success in your life as you will not miss out on anything and move towards your ambitions.

(I had the whole, 'I just want to go back to sleep and for this all to go away' feeling, and I had it for a while, I'm not saying I'm over this girl, quite the opposite, but now i'm more likely to get up and get on with my day, because I have that drive to do things for me again)

 

Good luck... and do give me your opinion on my situation if possible...

[monkeymaid]

hay ethan, here a sort of break down to what happened and why. i feel fine with everything so, here it goes (and please dont feel bad for me, this is life)

 

i read her phone the 1st time because i stumbled on it. i was actually trying to bluetooth a pic to her phone whilst she was freaking out crying, and i stumbled onto a text convo with a guy saying "i have a boyfriend, but i really want to get to know you. you seem cool and are pretty cute. ...we should hang out this week" i dont give a **** who you are, thats gonna plant a seed of mistrust and doubt.

 

i read it the second time because she was acting weird and red flags were flying, and i needed to understand why. something didnt add up with ehr behavior from one day to the next, and i found more texts from the same guy. ...i would have broke up with her no matter what the convo was about as even just talking to that specific guy is disrespectful, and i will not be in a relationship where she has one foot out the door.i broke up with her because i felt that she was being supremely disrespectful, and because i couldnt trust her. it was that simple.

 

 

after the breakup, it hit that i was with this girl for 2 years, we were friends for over 6 and i planned on proposing in june. i wanted to reach out to her, but the damage was done. ...i finally stopped reacting to her specifically, and started acting for me alone.

 

in my moments of weakness, which most of us have, i read the emails after we broke up cuz i was searching for any semblence of connection. obviously i didnt get thtat, and havent looked since. also, it was worng, but my mind justified it at the time. i wont make that mistake again, ive learned my lesson.

 

i admit i ****ed up by looking at her phone, but i found what i was looking for and it was rather incriminating. ..i had my suspisions (sp?) and it gave me the power to dump her. ...i dont think i could have if i did not see for myself what was on her phone. i wanted really bad for it not to exist, but the only way for me to have acted was to see.

 

 

now i know that if i feel any form of mistrust in myself or my girl, i should approach it, give it 1 chance, and if it doesnt work, then cut bait and run. ...i get in ...NOW

 

 

...i have gotten to the point where i am strong and do the things i need to for me. my gym time is for me, my surfing is for me, my school work is for me etc... i do things with and for others still, i will never stop that. its part of me, but i will take care of myself first now. and make sure im getting mine as well as the people around me getting theirs!

 

ethan, i would love if you could keep giving me any opinions becasue they force me to see things that i dont have perspective on. ...i should have trusted myself, and just jumped ship when i FELT in my gut that something was wrong

Edited April 11, 2010 by monkeymaid

[monkeymaid]

. ...i woke up in a daze this am, and my thoughts went immediately to working out and running. ...then i thought about school and everything i have to do today for that, planned my day , then decided to take an inventory of my emotions, and sit with myself for a few minutes. ...it was a rush of emotions related to my ex.

 

i calmed my self for seconds at a time, but my mind seemed cyclic. always reconnecting everything with my ex. ...i let myself feel it all. then i told myself that no matter what, i would stick with me, and look out for me. it seemed to work until i turned on my pc. then all i wanted was to see pics, know what she is up to, just basically hear from her and for her to let me know that she would be here soon. now i am on the pc, trying to let myself feel, talk to myself and let me know that i have my best intrests in mind, and that i am going to carry out my plans for the day no matter what emotions play out.

 

guys, i really want to call her!, or email her. ..just to see how her dog is, and to find out how much she misses me, and blah blah blah ...i guess im basically looking for a stroked ego, and for any excuse to connect with her. i woke up missing this girl hard today i know its wrong, and i dont believe that i will do it. ...actually at this point i dont think i can! but the feelings of want are so strong right now... its just one of those days. its gloomy, i want my companion back.

 

its ok to feel like this. ..its just how i feel. i am going to go sit with this for a little longer, then force myself to find all of the things i love about me.

 

you all have a great day!!

[GrayClouds]

. ...i woke up in a daze this am, and my thoughts went immediately to working out and running. ...then i thought about school and everything i have to do today for that, planned my day ,

 

Remember when you were asking how to stop thinking about your EX. Well you are getting there, your first thought were of you and what you wanted to do!

 

 

blah blah blah ...i guess im basically looking for a stroked ego,

 

More likely get a kick in the crouch.

 

Part of the healing is being aware of what you are feeling. The other part is to push yourself beyond your EX, understanding your feeling is telling yourself what you need, then finding a productive way to get it. Do not allow yourself to wallow in it. If your feeling lonely; call a friend; if your feeling down; get the run in, feeling sad;turn up the music and dance.

 

It is no longer about the EX, she just represents a easy place to go to attribute when your feeling less then good. Remind yourself that, it will help, tell yourself not to hang the hat on that hook.

[monkeymaid]

does this **** ever end??

 

 

i keep heearing about her from her mom, or people at work, or whatever, and every time i her someone mention her name my heart skips a beat.... i thought this was done. ...then yesterday, i was at the bar and couldnt stop thinking about how much fun it would be if she were there. i didnt even drink anything!! i ended up walking home (1.5 miles) and the whole time, my mind imagined as if she were walking with me, and i felt contented!!! wtf???? i literally felt her presence walking with me. i got home and cried myslef to sleep. ...i just dont understand. ...i had therapy today and it didnt do anything for me. today 3 seperate people told me that she took a few days off of work, or has been really busy or talked about her dog blablah ...and to top it off, i really am getting to hte place where i am forgetting to remind myself what she did. ...those memories are starting to fade quickly! its as if i broke up with her for no reason at all. ...today, im ****ed. ...tomorrow, the gym will save my ass once again.

 

 

oh, and i am starting to think that maybe my lack of a definite direction in life was the motivating factor for her to start entertaining herself with that other guy. my mind id playing tricks, and i cant seem to figure them all out anymore. ...or im gassing and getting tired of thinking. ...either way, i feel like im floundering.

 

ive been on here reading and posting to others threads in hopes that i will figure out my problems, but nope, its not happening. ...for now, that is all.

[monkeymaid]

hi txxxx

 

im sorry we went through a make up breakup cycle. i know weve both got alot of work to do if we are to be with anyone ever! part of my still wishes that we could have done it together. it could have been great ...we always spoke about it, and it made me smile today when i thought that you and i actually had a great relationship. every couple has their ups and downs, but i can honestlly say that our ups were way the **** up there. our downs... ...they were our downs, but mostly made it through. ...im not so mad anymore. no im not going to try to get you back. ...you made the decision to move on, i just saw it before you did, so i let you go. thats how it is now. i do miss your fantastic ass though. ...ive got to get me a replacement for that . ...im working on it. thats a hell of a pair of pants to fill. i hope you figure yourself out!

 

bye monkeybutt!

[SadKitty78]

hi txxxx

 

im sorry we went through a make up breakup cycle. i know weve both got alot of work to do if we are to be with anyone ever! part of my still wishes that we could have done it together. it could have been great ...we always spoke about it, and it made me smile today when i thought that you and i actually had a great relationship. every couple has their ups and downs, but i can honestlly say that our ups were way the **** up there. our downs... ...they were our downs, but mostly made it through. ...im not so mad anymore. no im not going to try to get you back. ...you made the decision to move on, i just saw it before you did, so i let you go. thats how it is now. i do miss your fantastic ass though. ...ive got to get me a replacement for that . ...im working on it. thats a hell of a pair of pants to fill. i hope you figure yourself out!

 

bye monkeybutt!

 

That's exactly what I wish I could write my ex! To this day, I'm not sure he cheated, it's not 100% definitive, but I also found some incriminating evidence like you did, that points somewhat to something shady, but not 100%. As days have gone by, I'm just hurting and wishing we could have worked this out together. Anyhow, my post is here: (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228630/) and I would like your perspective on it, but I just want to wish you the best of luck with the recovery process. I am only 5 days post breakup!

[monkeymaid]

im not sure whats happening! i dont miss her, and havent for a few days. ...every time i think about her, im starting to feel ...dare i say it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

....acceptance! im seeing things in a different light.

 

im back full swing into exercise, and lifting weights. i hike at least every other day, ride my bike every day to wrok if its not raining, i absolutley fell in love with school again!. im surfin every other week atm (not enought time to drive to the beach and back for other stuff), i read every day for about an hour, hanging out with my good friends, chatting up some girls (im not into any of them, but its nice to know they are still interested), writing stuff out still, and taking a daily inventory of my emotions, wants, desires etc..

 

 

 

 

i need to connect with my brother and sister more though. ...and i need to finish moving my stuff. (im moving elsewhere)

 

 

just feeling good in general today!

[SadKitty78]

Yay! Good for you! It sounds like you're almost there! We all had a life before the last relationship and it takes awhile, but it looks like you're enjoying your life and keeping it full and rewarding WITHOUT HER! In fact it sounds like you're in love with life, in touch with nature, enjoying people's company! That's just awesome! I'm slowly working on getting there!

[monkeymaid]

i have to laugh yet again!! ..i just finished watching a cheesy movie called "goal"

 

 

for whatever reason, it made me think about the ex. ..i saw her and i together in a happy future. it was weird. its not depressing, sad or anything like that when i realize that its not real. ..it was just a happy daydream. i rather enjoyed the fantasy.

 

 

good night ls - ers!

[greenfairy]

in my opinion ,u can find better one .find the one who appreciate you support you always.

 

love is balance.

[monkeymaid]

thats really easy to say!! not so easy in practice.

 

 

its my bday in 2 days and i have found myself eager for a phone call from her.

 

its my ****ing day, and all i want is to see her. ...today has been the roughest in about 4 weeks. ....i know i will bounce back, i just, we had so much damn fun. ...we exercised the same, we both hiked, sex drives were even (3-5 times a day 2 years on!!), **** there will be more girls! but i want this one! i have oneitis. im better than this ****. god she was amazing. ...she cheated. ...it was only some texts. ...that were innapropriate for outside our relationship. ...but shes just flirty ...damnit! ...why am i making excuses right now!! ...im just feeling lonely, and it will pass. ..i will feel these things and not dwell nor deny them. i will feel them and they will pass right through me.

 

 

i am definately ranting. it feels good.

 

maybe cause i went on a keto diet. ...down 4 lbs this week, but insanity is slowly creeping up on me!!!

 

sonofabitch txxxx!!!!!!!! leave me alone!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!U