my thread about that damn girl

[GrayClouds]

That is just a little bit of your subconscious letting go, and every time you do let go a bit there is some grieving. So allow your self to grieve and then move on and keep the focus on healing.

 

Keep up the work, your getting there.

[monkeymaid]

damn today was a hard day. ...

 

 

i am losing focus on the stuff she did wrong/bad and keep seeing all of the good. ...i am having a really hard time right now focusing on my positives, her negatives, and am having vivid imagery of the best feelings in the world, all of the stuff we did, the places we went, the great time we had. ...i know its over now, but damn.

 

 

and to top it off, i went to the gym today thinking " i have to see her this summer and i am going to be the hottest piece of ass shes ever layed eyes on!!" i used the thought of her in my future to motivate me to workout. ...thats superficial as f!&*. it pushed me so damn hard though.

 

today was bad, tomorrow will be better.

[Rearden Metal]

damn today was a hard day. ...

 

 

 

 

and to top it off, i went to the gym today thinking " i have to see her this summer and i am going to be the hottest piece of ass shes ever layed eyes on!!" i used the thought of her in my future to motivate me to workout. ...thats superficial as f!&*. it pushed me so damn hard though.

 

today was bad, tomorrow will be better.

 

Dude, that's the BEST thing you can do. Keep hitting the weights. Be your absolute best this year.

 

Her dad said it all. You ARE bettering your life. It's natural for you to feel loss because you're an empathetic, undamaged person. You want her to see things from your lens but she can't, man. She can't.

 

The letter you wrote is telling. First you take the blame. Then you lay the foundation. Then you curse her for her inability to see all the good, scratch that, GREAT things you had together.

 

Monkey, we dated similar girls. They're hard to put away because they're flawed, and we want to help them fix those flaws. But we can't. You know it, I know it.

 

Keep hitting the weights. I wanna see rock hard abs by June!

[monkeymaid]

cheers. ...right after writing that last post, i checked her face book for whatever reason. ...i dont even have face book, i used a friends, and she still has all of the pics up. ...like all 400 somthing of us. ...nothing changed on it. ...im not going to talk to her, but now i am feeling a little bit of hope that maybe she is feeling ****ty, and maybe she is realizeing her mistake. ...she was in therapy as of 3 weeks ago (for 3 years), and maybe it came out for her, but shes too ashamed to say anything. **** that was dumb as f@%$. this looking at stuff brings about more questions than anything else

 

 

any body reading this ...DO NOT LOOK AT HER FACEBOOK, EMAILS, MESSAGES...NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it make you think more about stuff than if you silenced your mind, or even just sat with your own already intrusive thoughts.

 

i had to learn the hard way i guess.

 

RM ...thanks

[monkeymaid]

damn, i havent been able to post here for a few days. ...ive been out and about from sun up to sun down with my cousin, and a few friends.

 

 

i missed her when we were out cuz i havent don that with anyone except for "her" for about a year. just surfing, neptunes, driving in the hills, sanat monica, shopping on rodeo dr, clubbing on sunset etc....but ****, every time i went somewher, i t was a different memory of her. ...ive been out trying to have fun, but she was more prevalent than if i sat at home and built models or played with myself.

 

someone please tell me why this girl is no good!! cuz its getting harder and harder to see. dreams all night, waking up with tears in my eyes cuz shes not there. ...i thought i was doing so good! i dont know right now. i really want to see her.

[GrayClouds]

damn, i havent been able to post here for a few days. ...ive been out and about from sun up to sun down with my cousin, and a few friends.

 

 

i missed her when we were out cuz i havent don that with anyone except for "her" for about a year. just surfing, neptunes, driving in the hills, sanat monica, shopping on rodeo dr, clubbing on sunset etc....but ****, every time i went somewher, i t was a different memory of her. ...ive been out trying to have fun, but she was more prevalent than if i sat at home and built models or played with myself.

 

someone please tell me why this girl is no good!! cuz its getting harder and harder to see. dreams all night, waking up with tears in my eyes cuz shes not there. ...i thought i was doing so good! i dont know right now. i really want to see her.

 

more importantly you tell me...

[monkeymaid]

i know the logical side of the story, but when it comes down to it, i really do miss her. she began to play me though, and i cant seem to look past it. ..for whatever reason, no amount of logic is working these last 3 days. i just cant see myself that connected to another human being ever.

 

 

and i keep avoiding the question to myself "what did i do so wrong?" and "what could i have done differently?" or will we ever be what we once were? its been 4 weeks today, and i feel like it is yesterday that we were in love and this mornign we broke up. ....

 

...and im the dumper, why cant i just move the **** on? these feelings creeping in are dangerous, and i cant seem to fend them off anymore.

[monkeymaid]

im sitting here reading other peoples stories, and posting to some of them. ...and the answers seem so direct that i wonder why its hard for other people, then when i think about my story, i start feeling every word people are writing like it is my own story. ...i understand how they can justify the things they do, and almost start trying to make excuses as to why they shoud try just 1 more time, or somthing a little different. then i remember that its my own flawed logic, and unwillingness to let go of the things that hurt me becasue ive know them for so long. i have settled from the time i was little on relationships with most people, havent let anyone in after around the age of 8 for fear of them leaving, and if i did, i actually helped them leave. ...id create situations, or befriend people that were not good, or needed fixing or help, and then after they served their purpose, or i served theirs, they were gone.

 

 

is my situaiton now different? where and how did i **** up, what is my fault and what is hers? could we have had the fruitful relationship that we both wanted, but didnt know how to have? she was damaged, i was damaged. but where are the lines drawn?

 

ive been working out voraciously to be hot, and for what? ...to attract other women, to make her see what she lost, to be able to one up the next guy, and the seemingly "minor to me" reasons of health, and stress release.

 

i have been going to school and working 2 jobs for 6 months now for what? i wanted to better myself so that i could have, and take care of a family. so she would be more proud of me, so we could live a life of luxury and she wouldnt have to work. so she could stay home and i could give her the life i thought she deserved (not anymore!!)

 

why did i ignore my friends and family for so long? why did i stop working out and eating healthy, and trade my hobbies for just an extra hour or 2 with her. ....was it worth it? i dont think so. ....could it or would it have been better if i kept true to myself and focused more than a little bit of attention on myself? i dont know. ...

 

 

all of these questions i really wnat answers to.

 

and ill be honest. ...her and i were friends for 7 years. ...i worked for her family, and got to know all of her family before we got together even her grandparents in another country. i learned another language to communicate with them. ...i know how she works, i know why she does the things she does, in know her shortcomings, i know her backwards and forwards. i know her job. at this moment, i want to be able to let go, but in the back of my head there is a dumb little voice saying "its not over" im trying to kill it, but i dont know how. she wronged me, and now i want her to fix it. ...she will take the necessary steps, but will i be able to forgive? am i just fooling myself right now? is this false hope? im not sure. is there really going to ever be another chance?

 

im afraid i wont meet anyone else. ...im worried i may have pushed away the perfect girl for me. ..does she feel this? is it my worry? where do i find other girls that are similar but undamaged to that extent?

 

 

ive really only got 1 actual thought/piece of advice i would like to be confirmed, so if you read this please do confirm.

 

i will never give up on myself

Edited March 29, 2010 by monkeymaid

[spriggig]

i will never give up on myself

 

I gather you work in a family business. Maybe you've heard the phrase "Pay yourself first."?

 

If you want to do for others you have to be the best you can be for yourself first. If you don't take care of yourself FIRST and BEST, there isn't any extra YOU there to take care of anyone else.

[monkeymaid]

sprigg. ...i think i understand the gist of taking care of myself 1st, but as it relates to family businesss??? i think ideally, everyone picks up as much as they can to the betterment of all. ...i can handle more theoretical and applicaition into programs/programming based stuff, she was able to deal with the people and be the face, her parents were in the operations , her brother was in acqusutions and expansion etc... we all got paid fairly. how would you be taking care of yourself in this situation?

 

...yes btw i work at her parents business.

 

 

we were actually set up to take over ownership of 1 of their locations and turn it into a test platform for a clinical child movement/therapy facility that incorporates dance, gymnastics, martial arts, western medicine, and hollistic medicine to aid in development of typical and a-typical kids. ...but she dropped out of her phd program to pursue writing (which i supported as she didnt really want it), and i took up the slack by going back to school for psychology. (i am still working on my undergrad) and in 2 more years would have my LMFT cert and BCBA which would allow me to open a clinical location for the treatment of whoever i wish (in this case children with autism, and the developmentally delayed).

 

If it worked (and it definately would) we would have made more money in 1 month than any of the other locations would have in a year, and we make a positive impact on kids that REALLY need it!

 

but, that dream is now shattered

 

sorry abou tthe tangent. ...my mind wanders at times

[GrayClouds]

It sounds like not only are you having to grieve your break up, you also have to grieve that you are not adopted of this adopted family.

 

YOur life has been very intertwined with theirs and this break up illustrates to what extent is has been. To the point you having a hard time defining yourself outside of it. YOu feel a bit lost and seeing reuniting with the EX as the simple answer.

 

I suspect one of the reasons you have become so involved with the family because it filled some need you had previously. A strong need to belong.

 

How was your own family life?

 

I also suggest picking up the book "Journey from Abandonment to Healing". Big book quick read, and can be very helpful.

[spriggig]

I gather you work in a family business. Maybe you've heard the phrase "Pay yourself first."?

 

If you want to do for others you have to be the best you can be for yourself first. If you don't take care of yourself FIRST and BEST, there isn't any extra YOU there to take care of anyone else.

 

I was just trying to reinforce the "I will never give up on myself", like you asked. That's all.

[Rearden Metal]

im sitting here reading other peoples stories, and posting to some of them. ...and the answers seem so direct that i wonder why its hard for other people, then when i think about my story, i start feeling every word people are writing like it is my own story. ...i understand how they can justify the things they do, and almost start trying to make excuses as to why they shoud try just 1 more time, or somthing a little different. then i remember that its my own flawed logic, and unwillingness to let go of the things that hurt me becasue ive know them for so long. i have settled from the time i was little on relationships with most people, havent let anyone in after around the age of 8 for fear of them leaving, and if i did, i actually helped them leave. ...id create situations, or befriend people that were not good, or needed fixing or help, and then after they served their purpose, or i served theirs, they were gone.

 

 

is my situaiton now different? where and how did i **** up, what is my fault and what is hers? could we have had the fruitful relationship that we both wanted, but didnt know how to have? she was damaged, i was damaged. but where are the lines drawn?

 

ive been working out voraciously to be hot, and for what? ...to attract other women, to make her see what she lost, to be able to one up the next guy, and the seemingly "minor to me" reasons of health, and stress release.

 

i have been going to school and working 2 jobs for 6 months now for what? i wanted to better myself so that i could have, and take care of a family. so she would be more proud of me, so we could live a life of luxury and she wouldnt have to work. so she could stay home and i could give her the life i thought she deserved (not anymore!!)

 

why did i ignore my friends and family for so long? why did i stop working out and eating healthy, and trade my hobbies for just an extra hour or 2 with her. ....was it worth it? i dont think so. ....could it or would it have been better if i kept true to myself and focused more than a little bit of attention on myself? i dont know. ...

 

 

all of these questions i really wnat answers to.

 

and ill be honest. ...her and i were friends for 7 years. ...i worked for her family, and got to know all of her family before we got together even her grandparents in another country. i learned another language to communicate with them. ...i know how she works, i know why she does the things she does, in know her shortcomings, i know her backwards and forwards. i know her job. at this moment, i want to be able to let go, but in the back of my head there is a dumb little voice saying "its not over" im trying to kill it, but i dont know how. she wronged me, and now i want her to fix it. ...she will take the necessary steps, but will i be able to forgive? am i just fooling myself right now? is this false hope? im not sure. is there really going to ever be another chance?

 

im afraid i wont meet anyone else. ...im worried i may have pushed away the perfect girl for me. ..does she feel this? is it my worry? where do i find other girls that are similar but undamaged to that extent?

 

 

ive really only got 1 actual thought/piece of advice i would like to be confirmed, so if you read this please do confirm.

 

i will never give up on myself

 

MM,

 

You've given a much rounder view of your life and situation in this and the following post...

 

With that said, and I hesitate to say this...

 

I think there's hope. But I think you MUST go on with your life and continue what you've been doing, which is the RIGHT thing. You don't seem like a man who takes the easy path.

 

So continue being virtuous. Push yourself hard. She may return...she may not.

 

How about this... slow it down. Regain your equilibrium. Take a rest.

 

I'm a believer that "they" can feel/sense our state of being. They seem to know. When you are at peace, she will feel it. I really do believe this.

[monkeymaid]

hey sprigg, thanks. ...i get it now!! ...im kinda slow on the uptake

 

clouds, u my friend, are the man! i love this perspective and have not considered it at all! ...it fits perfectly. my parents split, i went with my dad, he is an arse, i did want into her family! funny thing is, im still in, just not with her ...they need me, and for now, i need them. i love them with everything i have. i suppose i should stand on my own 2 feet without them though. i will do it!

 

rm, the bud i always wanted. ...i agree that there is hope, i just need to kill it for now. i am moving forward, and am learning to be at one once again. the gym is still my saving grace!! i am starting to get back into my passions, and am taking the reigns back

 

 

damn!!!!you guys are right on today! i love to do **** the hard way. ....i actually rebuilt a diesel motor on an oil rig in the gulf of mexico only to find out that it simply ran out of diesel! it took 6 friggin hours. ...that bitch ran for a good 25000 hours after that though!!!

 

 

...that being said, attention always helps.i have a surfing date sunday. shes definately not my cup of tea, but shes into me, and shes smokin hot and kind of interesting! ...i was just talking about going surfing, and she actually wined that i wasnt inviting her, so i am "letting" her come along. i think she a fixer and sees me in pain. ...whatever, im going to let myself be taken care of for once. u know, try it on and see how it feels.

 

funny though, shes physically built the same as the ex (i kind of dont think this is a coincidence, but i am definately not complaining!!!!)

 

 

if anyone on this forum is having a hard time with anything i have written in this thread, please put in your story, and i will write back and relate. ...this seems to be one of the best resources for getting **** out after a breakup, so get it the **** out!!!!

[GrayClouds]

hey sprigg, thanks. ...i get it now!! ...im kinda slow on the uptake

 

clouds, u my friend, are the man! i love this perspective and have not considered it at all! ...it fits perfectly. my parents split, i went with my dad, he is an arse, i did want into her family! funny thing is, im still in, just not with her ...they need me, and for now, i need them. i love them with everything i have. i suppose i should stand on my own 2 feet without them though. i will do it!

 

Some of the best family we have in our lives is the one we choose and we all need that in our lives. Though I will again suggest you pick up the book I suggested. Likely it will help you see why you fell for this girl emotionally unavailable and worked so hard chasing after her and to win her approval. I suspect it too has somethig to do with your parents divorce.

 

i actually rebuilt a diesel motor on an oil rig in the gulf of mexico only to find out that it simply ran out of diesel! it took 6 friggin hours. ...that bitch ran for a good 25000 hours after that though!!!

Now if can can help me do a quick diesel conversion in my '83 Land Cruiser so it does not kill me in fuel cost.... If you can take care of the engine, tools, and labor I will be happy to supply the beer. I think it would be GREAT therapy for getting over the break up.

[Rearden Metal]

Kickin' ass MM. That's what I like to see!

 

The diesel motor story cracks me up. You remind me of my brother!

 

Keep on keepin' on... and yeah, if you can get out of the family business (and move laterally or better), then do so. That situation isn't helping you heal one bit.

[monkeymaid]

Some of the best family we have in our lives is the one we choose and we all need that in our lives. Though I will again suggest you pick up the book I suggested. Likely it will help you see why you fell for this girl emotionally unavailable and worked so hard chasing after her and to win her approval. I suspect it too has somethig to do with your parents divorce.

 

 

up.

 

 

QFT!!! i know my issues, i am just now learning how they present on a day to day basis. ...i am seeing a therapist about it.

 

as for her, i honestly thought we could work through our stuff because she was in therapy for 1.5 years before "us". she needs more i guess. ....me too though.

 

i nkow why i fell for her, i know why i chase after her, and i realze how to do everything different, but it does not make ammends for her flirting around, and offering dates to other men. even if she never went thorugh with anything. ...those are the mental issues that i broke up with her for. i did my share of dumb ****. i realize it, and am actively working on all of it. i dont want to be perfect, i just strive to be functional.

 

 

hell, who knows ...this may have been just the thing i needed to realize that i give too much in my relationships, or take too much responsibility for the happiness of my lady. Perhaps it was to teach me that i should focus more attention on myself at all times, and maybe even be a little selfish.

 

i dont know, im still trying to find out all of the lessons from this failure.

 

thomas edison effed up the light bulb over 1000 times, but that 1001st time!! the world will never be the same!

[GrayClouds]

hell, who knows ...this may have been just the thing i needed to realize that i give too much in my relationships, or take too much responsibility for the happiness of my lady. Perhaps it was to teach me that i should focus more attention on myself at all times, and maybe even be a little selfish.

!

 

I suspect you are on to something here, I also suspect you "gave to much" to someone who could not appreciate. These are good qualities, but only a selective few will true be able to appreciate them, when you find that girl she will be blessed.

 

Now what about that Land Cruiser's diesel swap...

[GrayClouds]

hell, who knows ...this may have been just the thing i needed to realize that i give too much in my relationships, or take too much responsibility for the happiness of my lady. Perhaps it was to teach me that i should focus more attention on myself at all times, and maybe even be a little selfish.

!

 

I think may be on to something here, I also suspect you "gave to much" to someone who could not appreciate it. Bit these are good qualities, though only a selective few will true be able to appreciate them, when you find that girl who can, she will feel blessed.

 

Now what about that Land Cruiser's diesel swap...

[monkeymaid]

1st off, where are you located?? second, if you pay for the plane ticket, and the parts, ill buy the beer and do the work! third, and im sure this might be the deal breaker, but, youve got to nurse my emotional well being back to healthy levels.

 

 

...on another note, i just got done just talking to this girl i am supposed to hang with, and it made me miss my ex soooooo much!!

 

i mean i did pull the plug on the relationship, so maybe i should contact her?? its been 31 days, and nothing at all!!! it doesnt feel like that long, but at the same time, i feel so far away from my ex, that its making me feel nauseous to think that this is real. ...that i will never be able to be with the women ive loved for 2 years while knowing her as the person thats been there forever before that. ,,,my 1st kiss, the strongest chemistry, the most fun, the best conversation. blah blah blah. ...ifeel sick from writing this crap, then im sad cuz i dont have this crap, then i hate myself for pulling the plug, then think that maybe i overreacted, then think about how to make it through the next hour. ....without her. i havent looked at pics, fb, jdate, stuff, nothing. ...i just miss her like hell, and i want her back now.

 

i think its wrong, but something in my head keeps saying "the heart wants what it wants"

 

 

hows this for a message

 

 

Txxxx,

 

I miss you

 

-monkey

 

 

how would that go over??

 

she hast tried to contact in 31 days. you think shes realized what she did wrong? or did i over react???

[GrayClouds]

 

 

Txxxx,

 

I miss you

 

-monkey

 

 

how would that go over??

 

she hast tried to contact in 31 days. you think shes realized what she did wrong? or did i over react???

 

You write that she reads "Hello babe I am not done chasing you, while I know we are over I want to stroke you ego just a bit more and really reinforce that you can treat me bad and I will still pine for you. I hope you find that sexy."

 

and if I have to also nurse your emotional condition then you should pay for parts.

[monkeymaid]

So how do i make it read

 

txxxx

 

"i nkow you want me, i know you always have. ...im not saying that ill take you back, but a roll in the sack, and a few dates initiated by you would be a great start. By the way, ive been out on a few dates with nothing conclusive on the horizon, but i would love for you to come crawling back as you would still be near the top of my list provided you have worked out your major malfunctions. We have always had a great time together, and we can talk for days about the most random ****. ...i will make you contact me about 3 more times before i wait a week to call you back, but i will get to it when im ready to, and when i feel that you have been through enough of my ****.call me!

 

-monkey

[monkeymaid]

ill pick up the cost of tools, and the first tank of gas

[GrayClouds]

So how do i make it read

 

txxxx

 

"i nkow you want me, i know you always have. ...im not saying that ill take you back, but a roll in the sack, and a few dates initiated by you would be a great start. By the way, ive been out on a few dates with nothing conclusive on the horizon, but i would love for you to come crawling back as you would still be near the top of my list provided you have worked out your major malfunctions. We have always had a great time together, and we can talk for days about the most random ****. ...i will make you contact me about 3 more times before i wait a week to call you back, but i will get to it when im ready to, and when i feel that you have been through enough of my ****.call me!

 

-monkey

 

That is easy, keep doing the hard work you doing to heal, out up with the bad days, enjoy the good ones and become the man your meant to be, and then when you accomplished that, with class and dignity keep NC.

 

What you do will say more then anything you will ever write.

[monkeymaid]

im not sure if my mind is going nuts atm, ot what, but i think i want her back. ...she will fix herself, of that much i am certain, but i still want her. ...whne shes all good, whats the path going to look like.

 

 

i know everyone will say stay nc, and another girl will pop up when i least expect it. i get that.. i want her. everything except for the need for attention from men was PERFECT.

 

maybe im just lost tonight, i dunno. ...im slipping the last 2 days at the gym

 

i want to eat in n out, and i havent run in about 4 days.

 

im going to the gym tonight. ...forcing myslef actually.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...:(i really ****ing miss her man