Husband doesn't want divorce but I do

[polaris27]

Our situation is sort of complicated but I'll try and keep it short.

 

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We married pretty young (21) and I have regretted it from only a few months in. We dated for a year prior to marrying, but didn't let his real personality show until I was already pregnant with our child.

He is a pathological liar. He lies about everything from taking out the trash to losing his job. I try to be an understanding person, but this is breaking me. When he lost his job he lost our insurance (children included) and couldn't care less that we didn't have coverage. I have health problems and require insurance or my medication and doctor visits are very expensive.

Until recently he was on my checking account but I wasn't on his. That meant I couldn't go to the grocery store if I was out of the very little money I have in my own account. It took him 4 years and threats of me leaving for him to add me to it.

He won't talk to me. Any time I try to sit down and have a serious conversation with him he shuts down and won't talk at all. He literally stares at his feet in silence. When I tell him how unhappy I am and that I want a divorce, he tells me to "shut up". This is his response to everything I say about our marriage. He won't talk to me at all.

After 5 years of this I have completely fallen out of love with him. I'm not bitter or angry. I don't wish anything bad for him in his life, but I want out for my own health and sanity.

This is where it gets tricky. I'm a stay at home mother. We agreed that I would quit working and stay at home with the children. I've been out of work for over 4 years now and have very little job skills. Money is tight and I'm afraid I won't make it on my own or find a job in this economy.

He adamantly refuses to talk about divorce. I mentioned living together for the sake of the children. I could stay home with them and see them raised properly until they are both in school.

Is it wrong to want to lead separate social lives after the kids are asleep at night? I have no problem with him going out after they are asleep and doing whatever he likes if we take turns throughout the week. I don't want to leave my children with a babysitter.

He doesn't really want to, but I am dying inside. I need to just get out and feel human again. I'm too young to feel this dead inside. Any advice?

[hopesndreams]

I'm a stay at home mother. We agreed that I would quit working and stay at home with the children. I've been out of work for over 4 years now and have very little job skills. Money is tight and I'm afraid I won't make it on my own or find a job in this economy.

He adamantly refuses to talk about divorce. I mentioned living together for the sake of the children. I could stay home with them and see them raised properly until they are both in school.

Is it wrong to want to lead separate social lives after the kids are asleep at night? I have no problem with him going out after they are asleep and doing whatever he likes if we take turns throughout the week. I don't want to leave my children with a babysitter.

He doesn't really want to, but I am dying inside. I need to just get out and feel human again. I'm too young to feel this dead inside. Any advice?

 

What are your plans for the social nights out without your husband? Looking for a replacement, perhaps? Do you already have someone in mind?

[mimidarlin]

This sounds like a hellish life/marriage. I think a new social life should be the last thing on your mind. If you want out then you have to formulate a plan for financial security. This means finding training/education/job. If you were a single mother you might qualify for pell grants to help pay for college. You might be able to move in with a family member.

 

I wouldn't depend on him paying child support and/or alimony. He will be asked to by the court but it sounds like he isn't dependable. He could end up months behind on child support and you have to be able to support yourself. Make a plan...ask for help.

[LisaUk]

Have you asked yourself why your H lies to you? Have you asked yourself why he won't talk to you and stares at his feet? Is it as simple as he doesn't want to/doesn't care? Or is there more to it? How do you approach the conversation with him? Have you spent the last 4 years complaining at him and never showing affection or love? When he says "shut up" is he saying it b/c he is angry or b/c you are hurting him with your words and he can't cope?

 

I'm not suggesting any of that is what is going on, but there are always two sides to a story. Before you decide to give up on your marriage, on the commitment you made and on leaving your childs father, perhaps you could go and see a relationship counsellor my yourself to see if there is another way that you could approach your marital unhappiness with your H?

 

I am sure there are people that are compusive liars and that really do not care about their spouse, but the liklihood is that your H probably does care very deeply for you (he has said he does not want a divorce) and he is experiencing this whole situation very differently from you.

[Birdybird]

Dear Polaris,

I know what you are going through but now I am in the position to leave. I too stayed home an stopped working so I could take care of the kids. I too was miserably married for the most part. I felt like you, trapped and didn't want my kids in daycare.

 

I stayed home for almost 3 yrs and decided I wanted to go back to work. I didn't realize until 2 years ago (been back working for 4 yrs) how unhappy I really was. I mean I wasn't happy but once I got back working and made money again I flourished. I feel better about myself and am in the process of ending my marriage and finally be free.

 

Your husband sounds controlling with the whole checking account deal and immature by lying and irresponsible. Mine is controlling and irresponsible too.

 

I know what you mean by waiting for your kids to be in school and not wanting to use daycare. Listen come up with a plan and stick to it until you can get out He doesn't want to divorce and may never will because he's miserable and misery loves company. Do you have family to help you with the kids so you can try and work now rather then wait? If not then plan, plan and know one day you will get out.

 

I'm not out as of yet but in the next few months I am hoping if all works out it will be over. He used to tell me to leave if I wasn't happy, yeah sure with 2 little kids and no job where would I go and no family around. He knew I was stuck. Well those days are over, I'm still young and ready to go.

 

Keep your chin up and dream about your life hapy with your kids If it helps you hold on as long as you have to.

Good luck!