its long, commitiment phobia he wants to date but confused still?

[dlb311]

I have posted before and my ex and I broke up almost 5 months ago. He texted me during the holidays the second time I never returned the texted because I was moving on finally. I know it hasn't been very long but it was really hard for me and I meet someone who actually got my mind off of him. The other guy turned out to be a big fat jerk so he isn't there anymore but I still felt strong about moving on.

 

My ex and I broke up why? I can't say yet.....

Everything was great. We were so in love for two whole years. We have liked each other since we where 16. We never got together and tried a relationship because one of us always had another girl/boyfriend. But we ran into eachother and we were both unattached. So we dated and we fell madely in love with eachother. We decided to move in together. Talked about marriage and in years would complete that plan. And talked about careers and kids and houses and cities to raise our family. We were together all the time and happy. Then we planned on moving in together in September. Well two weeks before the aficial move in he broke up with me. I was so hurt did not understand what happened. I could guess that he got scared but he seemed so together always before. And moving in was more his idea then mine.

 

Anyway so we went our seprate ways. Well he called me about a week ago and asked me to hang out. I was wanted to know what he wanted so I went. We went out to dinner and bowling and to a movie. It was a great fun, long night. We had so much fun and it wasn't uncomfortable like I thought it would be. We talked normal. And he grabbed my hand during the movie. And when he dropped me off he hunged me for like 3 minutes and then lend in for a kiss but I pulled away. he said he wanted to kiss me but he was still confused? I said what are you confused about. He said he wasn't sure. I asked if he was me. If he feels he is looking for something else. he said no its just him and he thinks to much. He said he wants to be with me but is scared it wont work out like before? I said before what happened because I don't know? He said that he got scared and that is why he pulled away. Well so he has commitiment phonia right? well how do you deal with that? This guy I loved so much never wanted to change anything about him and we were so good he seemed so stable about us before. I thought damn I am a lucky girl because most guys our age are commitiment phobics. But he turned out to be that way anyway.

 

He walked me to my door and held me for 45 more minutes and told me this is what he wants. This feels so right. Then the next night I got a call at 1:30 in the morning it was him. He got back from the bars with his buddies and called me. I texted him back whats up? he said he was drunk and do I want to come over? I said umm no thanks... and Then I got a call at 7:15 in the morning and he was just talking to me. And told me he was sorry for calling he was so drunk he doesn't remember which I think is bull****. Anyway my friend who is my best friend but went to school with him which is how I meet him. Say him that night at the bars. I guess he kissed a girl in front of her. She said he was really drunk and he called her that morning to go to breakfast and told her he was really drunk and didn't even know her name. She said he talked about me the whole time. He said he wants to date me and it felt so good to be with me. And said he is still just confused. Well should I try should I give him the chance or should I just let him miss out on what he could have had with me. She said she could tell he loves me so much. I don't get why would a guy be so scared if he knows he loves you? I am not sure I can handle this. Its so hard and I love him so much. But is there something better is there something out there that I won't have to fell like I am not enough. He use to make me feel like the most wonderful, beautiful woman in the world. And with his confusion I fell like the ugliest, most horrible person to him. I don't get it. Well this is really long I am sure. Anyway have advice, or comments to help me understand his phobia and what I can do about it?

[AMN819]

Yeah, I'd have to agree this was pretty long...

 

Well, you are asking a question, at this point, that only YOU can answer. If you love him, I mean TRULY love him, you should talk to him. Work things out, take things slow and see how it works. If he is scared of cimmitment, it's not a BAD thing, but at the same time it's not a good thing. You want to take things slow. Let him know you still love him and that you want to be with him, but that you need to take things slow so that he get get rid of this phobia. Good Luck!

[Marty_McFly]

I agree with AMN819, I think he really does love you, but he definitely got scared. You didn't mention how long you were actually "together," but it's very possible it was moving too fast for him, and if he's cautious or conservative then he probably got scared. Even if you were together a long time, he still probably realized he was getting ready to take some steps that are FOREVER, and a lot of people (particularly men) have some trouble with that.

 

Don't worry too much about him kissing another girl. People do that when they're drunk, and especially when they're in an emotional state at the time, and it was obviously meaningless. Plus, you guys aren't together now. Having those experiences, and then realizing they're not as good as you, are part of what he's going to need to realize how great you are. However, that event does prove that he still has quite a ways to go before he's ready to be with you forever.

 

This will take some more time. Don't ignore him or push him away, but don't always be there for him. When he contacts you, don't respond immediately (whether it's hours or days is your call). And when you do talk, just be the same person you always have been, and don't act too eager to have him back. Also, don't get your hopes up, for your sake, until he's really been able to prove to you that he's certain that what he wants to be with you forever. Because it could still happen that he ultimately still decides he doesn't want to be with you.

[mandrews1119]

Alright, Marty!!

Good to see you are sounding quite a bit better, judging from your post here. Hope things are going well for you. Great insight about what goes on in the head during a 'rebound'!