20days NC, then sleep together...now what?

[Redgy]

We broke up 6wks ago, her choice, i did the usual beg and carry on for 2wks then implemented NC for 3wks. We ended up having to contact each other cause my gear is still at our house even though i'd moved out. Went round, we chatted and she said she doesn't want a relationship atm but wanted to still sleep together. We did but now i'm torn. I want to work towards a new relationship, she doesn't. I said i cant do this then cause its only going to cause probs later on. We were engaged to be married and about 6months ago miscarried. It hurt. She said she wants to sleep together but doesn't want the hassles of a relationship. Makes zero sense to me. I want to climb into bed where we belong but said i cant do that, u cant have ur cake and eat it too. She wants to forget the break up and the past, its like it never existed, i'm prepared to forgive and start fresh but she says she cant forgive and doesn't love me but is happy to sleep together. I've told her it cant work like that and said don't contact me ever again unless ur prepared to forgive and start fresh. What is she playing at? I think she does love me but is scared of being hurt. I'm playing this right surely...petrified she wont come back though.

[BootsElectric]

Be honest, have you ever heard of a situation like this working out?

 

She dumped you, and told you she doesn't love you. The game's over man. All the emotional turmoil you're going to be in isn't worth having casual sex. There are other women out there for you, and the physical part will go along with that.

 

Stick to your guns though, don't contact unless she makes a bold move (shows up at your door telling you she's changed, etc.)

[Redgy]

so basically i should just forget we're engaged, lost a baby, seperate all our furniture, our home loan etc and just cut my losses? I've basically been living out of my suitcase for 6wks now, she hasn't rang or asked me to collect anything. Seems strange that after 4yrs and her breaking it off then a month later happy to have sex with me. Kinda seems very unstable on her part, like she doesn't know what she wants?

[spriggig]

She said she wants to sleep together but doesn't want the hassles of a relationship...

 

...she doesn't want the hassles of a relationship with you.

 

She is lonely and she is using you. She practically said it.

 

She is looking for someone else, a rebound. She will find him, it will nearly kill you when she does. Prepare yourself for that.

 

Back to NC and stick with it this time.

[Redgy]

maybe. I doubt it though. She comes from a sexually abused childhood background and struggles to be comfortable with herself. I think i'm gonna keep sleeping with her, play it cool and give her positive emotions so that she'll be drawn back into a new fulfilling relationship. It'll take a lot of patience and guts on my behalf but i do love this girl unconditionally. If she can see the positive change then i don't see what can hold us back. I've taken a lot of steps already to achieve that. Maybe i'll come off second best but i doubt it if i believe in myself and what i can give her.

[LovelyDaze]

...she doesn't want the hassles of a relationship with you.

 

She is lonely and she is using you. She practically said it.

 

She is looking for someone else, a rebound. She will find him, it will nearly kill you when she does. Prepare yourself for that.

 

Back to NC and stick with it this time.

 

Perfectly said. Don't allow yourself to be used. It's never healthy.

[aimchase]

maybe. I doubt it though. She comes from a sexually abused childhood background and struggles to be comfortable with herself. I think i'm gonna keep sleeping with her, play it cool and give her positive emotions so that she'll be drawn back into a new fulfilling relationship. It'll take a lot of patience and guts on my behalf but i do love this girl unconditionally. If she can see the positive change then i don't see what can hold us back. I've taken a lot of steps already to achieve that. Maybe i'll come off second best but i doubt it if i believe in myself and what i can give her.

 

Redge, I know how easy it is to sleep with the ex as i've also done it in the past, but I categorically promise you this - it doesn't work in getting her back.

 

If you want any chance of getting her back you need to keep a distance and go NC. Let her have time to evaluate her own feelings, and give her time to understand what life is like without you.

 

By being there for sex, you're putting yourself in a position of being a convenience for her, and she will clearly be aware that she is fully controlling matters between you. It will end in devastation for you and will not get her back.

[soleharmony1123]

Redgy, your ex has experienced the trauma of a miscarriage, and that takes a tremendous emotional toll on a woman and carries with it, in some instances an immense burden of self-blame. I've never had a miscarriage, but at 10-years old I "saw" it through my mother's eyes. I remember the state of depression, heartbreak it took her through and I'm almost certain that, to a degree, your ex has also experienced these intense feelings of emotion. I know for certain my mother was never quite the same (but, she never sought counseling).

 

I don't want to put you in a big state of optimism on this because my mother had been married almost a year only to undergo divorce shortly after the miscarriage. But maybe if your ex was willing to seek an avenue of counseling (there's specialized counseling for all kinds of trauma now) that would benefit her and perhaps, maybe in time, she'd be able to revisit the subject of working through/on your relationship.

 

I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your child, Redgy, and that you're having to contend with losing the relationship with your ex. I truly hope there's going be an UP side to this for you both.

 

 

Sincerely,

-Soleharmony