Spriggig's log

[spriggig]

OK, here it is.

 

Thirty minutes ago I confronted her in the hallway and CALMLY told her:

 

"I know about the sex-chats and the nude photos. I'm tired of seeing your lying, cheating face in my house. Here are your divorce papers, we'll tell (son) tonight. I want you out of my house this weekend."

 

She said "Fine."

 

So, it's all sinking in for her right about now.

[spriggig]

Mine didn't cheat (that I know of). She was just a runner and immature.

 

Spriggy, you are handling this extremely well. When my ex wife and I separated, I drove from Colorado to Boston and stayed with a friend. I was thinking that I'd return in 6 weeks and we'd start to work on things again, but instead I was served papers in under a month.

 

I slept on an air mattress for over a year. I dated but it was half-hearted. I didn't move anything out of boxes. I lived in purgatory until I met my current Ex. I moved in with her prematurely and attached (once again) a lot of my self worth to our relationship.

 

It's probably why I am so devastated by it's ending. It meant a lot more to me than to her.

 

You, on the other hand, have a grasp of what's going on. And the where with all to log online for support, advice and comfort. You've got it together, man. I spent a whole year reading Kafka and Cormac McCarthy and sleeping and fu**ing anything that moved. I spent a large part of my savings and didn't work for EIGHTEEN months.

 

Whenever you think you're spinning out of control, consider my story.

 

Your stories and others on this board have been an inspiration to me. Knowing I can log on here, vent and actually get a response has helped keep me stable.

 

I've ran through my few friends, they shouldn't be burdened with this anymore. Everyone here understands how long it takes and how hard it is. That has been a great comfort to me.

 

Thank you.

[spriggig]

It's the weirdest damn feeling. An hour ago I told my wife to get out, just before she left for work. Now, in the kitchen, getting our son ready for school, I had this feeling that everything was normal, as if she'd come home tonight and we'd all be together like it used to be. It's so strange, KNOWING it's not true but FEELING it is.

[Rearden Metal]

I can identify a lot with you. I too am careful not to wear out friends and family, although a few I know would rather not hear any more. So LS lets me get my thoughts written out and to get a response, even if it's from some random computer simulation and you guys are all fake

 

I also know what you mean about FEELING like something is going to happen, but KNOWING it's not. I think it's the disbelief that what you had wasn't good enough to keep things going happily. Like, YOU and I feel like a turnaround is possible, because WE are willing to forgive and move on, if only our SO's were to *snap* out of it and meet us halfway.

 

They don't want what we want, Spriggy. Let them chase the butterflies, my friend.

[spriggig]

I can identify a lot with you. I too am careful not to wear out friends and family, although a few I know would rather not hear any more. So LS lets me get my thoughts written out and to get a response, even if it's from some random computer simulation and you guys are all fake

 

I also know what you mean about FEELING like something is going to happen, but KNOWING it's not. I think it's the disbelief that what you had wasn't good enough to keep things going happily. Like, YOU and I feel like a turnaround is possible, because WE are willing to forgive and move on, if only our SO's were to *snap* out of it and meet us halfway.

 

They don't want what we want, Spriggy. Let them chase the butterflies, my friend.

 

Cat's out of the bag! This is just one grand Turing Test. LOL

[spriggig]

We told our son we're getting divorced about 10 minutes ago.

 

First we talked alone and decided what we would say. I asked her to anticipate his questions. What she really wants to know is what I plan to do with the house and where I plan to go, but she won't ask me directly so she said "he'll want to know" this. I didn't answer her because I really don't know. I might sell the house like I've said. Or I might find someone new and stay here. Thing is I hate my job, I hate this town and I want to leave. But this is where my son is, damn it.

 

I made her tell him--it's her mess after all.

 

He cried, I was stoic and she did her best to comfort him and get him to talk.

 

After he went to his room to be alone, I told her "You did this and none of us deserve it" and left. Of course it had no effect on her because she is still in the fog with the OM and still blames me for all of it, deflecting responsibility.

 

She won't snap out of it until he leaves her. And he will leave her now that the danger is gone and the light of day has exposed the reality of his coming responsibility to her if he continues.

 

This is sad beyond belief. How incredibly irresponsible and selfish of her.

Edited March 27, 2010 by spriggig

[jerrytodd]

I feel so sorry for you and your son, you dont deserve this. Her selfishness is incredible. I am in awe of how you are handling this.

[hopesndreams]

Heartless and cruel.

 

She has herself set up with OM. Another selfish coward. They will be together. How long will they be together? Does it matter?

 

You need to think with your brain, not with your heart. Do not leave your home. No matter where you are you can not escape the pain, so stay put.

[CarrieT]

Sprig, are you fighting for custody of your son?

 

Based on how the relationship broke down, you could always fight for custody and then move wherever you want; the onus would be on your wife to visit you for visitation.

[spriggig]

I feel so sorry for you and your son, you dont deserve this. Her selfishness is incredible. I am in awe of how you are handling this.

 

Thank you. The kind words I find on this forum mean a lot to me. So many people here and my friends have told me we don't deserve this. It's taken me a long time to agree completely and tonight because of all the support I told her as much.

[spriggig]

...No matter where you are you can not escape the pain, so stay put.

 

This is a good point. I'm sleeping alone in this bed or alone in another. I'm rattling around this empty house or some other.

 

Can anyone imagine why my ex would not want me to sell the house? What's it to her? I even implied at one point that I would split the profits with her, which is a pretty large sum for us.

[CarrieT]

Can anyone imagine why my ex would not want me to sell the house? What's it to her? I even implied at one point that I would split the profits with her, which is a pretty large sum for us.

 

Because in the back of her mind -- somewhere -- that home is "safe" and there is still that thought that if things don't work out with the other man, then there is the chance at a reconciliation and a return to the old existence which was comfortable for her.

 

Irrational, yes. But probably true.

[spriggig]

Sprig, are you fighting for custody of your son?

 

Based on how the relationship broke down, you could always fight for custody and then move wherever you want; the onus would be on your wife to visit you for visitation.

 

I've given her custody. I can't afford to fight, financially and emotionally I am broke. The stress has been incredible--I've never experienced anything like it. Coupled with the stress at work, I'm near my breaking point every minute I'm awake. I could easily end up losing my job, my house and still not have my son.

 

Also, despite her flaws as a spouse, she is an excellent mother.

[spriggig]

Because in the back of her mind -- somewhere -- that home is "safe" and there is still that thought that if things don't work out with the other man, then there is the chance at a reconciliation and a return to the old existence which was comfortable for her.

 

Irrational, yes. But probably true.

 

The hope monster lives! LOL. The hope monster is never right, he taunts me from behind the baggage with his lies.

 

Right now, as unhealthy as I know it is, I would take her back in a heartbeat. According to her, she never once considered returning to her first ex.

[whichwayisup]

I hope your wife gives you respect... By allowing you access to your son, and also decides to share custody. It is unfair that she gets full custody and sooner than you think, the OM will be around your son. That is my concern..

 

I feel for your son, this isn't going to be easy on him..Poor fella. Just love him as much as you can, the rest will fall into place as it should.

 

Don't make any decisions yet about selling the house.. Everyone needs to adjust.

 

Stay strong and hope that your wife doesn't take advantage of you.

[whichwayisup]

I will add too, remember your wife is in this fog... She's riding the highs of the affair, the fun/fantasy/affairyland where everything is fun and light hearted, no responsibilities, no real tests, not seeing eachother at their worst, all their flaws.

 

Once reality hits them, I doubt very much it'll last long.

[spriggig]

I will add too, remember your wife is in this fog... She's riding the highs of the affair, the fun/fantasy/affairyland where everything is fun and light hearted, no responsibilities, no real tests, not seeing eachother at their worst, all their flaws.

 

Once reality hits them, I doubt very much it'll last long.

 

The hope monster agrees with you. Get out of here you vile beast!

 

The affair is LD now and she has already expressed her concern to him in an IM that the relationship might not last much longer.

[whichwayisup]

The hope monster agrees with you. Get out of here you vile beast!

 

The affair is LD now and she has already expressed her concern to him in an IM that the relationship might not last much longer.

 

Well, now I see why she doesn't want you to sell the house.. That and she's probably realized she's re-written history to suit her best, telling the OM blah blah blah over exaggerated stuff to make her look better in his eyes, like she did nothing wrong. Also it's a manipulative way for a WS to keep their OM/OW hooked on them.

[JustJoe]

Dude, why would you even consider taking her back? This is the part I can never understand. Do you honestly think your marriage will recover and will you ever be able to trust her not to repeat with another man?

[spriggig]

Dude, why would you even consider taking her back? This is the part I can never understand. Do you honestly think your marriage will recover and will you ever be able to trust her not to repeat with another man?

 

I ask myself this every day. It's only been three months since I discovered she wanted out. I think/hope it's normal to feel like I want her back so badly, even after all she's done, and that I'll get over it.

[spriggig]

So today is the day. It's the day I've dreaded and only just recently longed for too.

 

Today I kick her out of my house.

 

The hope monster stays my hand when I want to burn bridges. I use the hope monster to see both sides and find peace within myself. The hope monster is the one who taught me "No victims, no villains"--and this only just now occurred to me.

 

The hope monster IS my friend. He does what he MUST to keep me from destroying myself.

[spriggig]

So today is the day. It's the day I've dreaded and only just recently longed for too.

 

Today I kick her out of my house.

 

The hope monster stays my hand when I want to burn bridges. I use the hope monster to see both sides and find peace within myself. The hope monster is the one who taught me "No victims, no villains"--and this only just now occurred to me.

 

The hope monster IS my friend. He does what he MUST to keep me from destroying myself.

 

Maybe this is the answer to why I want her back. Because to NOT want her back right now would make the pain literally unbearable. It's protection against myself.

[CarrieT]

Maybe this is the answer to why I want her back. Because to NOT want her back right now would make the pain literally unbearable. It's protection against myself.

 

This surprises me; when I found out my Ex was cheating, the hope monster existed because I wanted us to be The Way We Were, however it was more painful to think that we WOULD get back together in light of the lies. I wanted him back, yes; but maybe THAT is your pain?

 

Now that I have been single for two years, I still want him back -- but I want back the man that I was in love with at the beginning of the relationship, not the one who lied and cheated and destroyed us. I wouldn't want THAT man back.

 

Good luck today, Sprig. Thinking about you...

[GrayClouds]

Maybe this is the answer to why I want her back. Because to NOT want her back right now would make the pain literally unbearable. It's protection against myself.

 

Or maybe the devil you know is less scary then the devil you don't know; being single again?

[spriggig]

Or maybe the devil you know is less scary then the devil you don't know; being single again?

 

While this was true, I'm actually, just recently, looking forward to being single again. I'm looking forward to having unattached sex. At the same time I want her back, I peruse the dating sites, imagining the fun I'd have.

 

The entire experience has been a study in dichotomies.

 

The hope monster acts as ying to my yang and keeps me balanced within the dichotomies.

 

Running off to **** everything that moves would be terribly unhealthy. The hope that she'll return to me, however unfounded, again stays my hand.