Spriggig's log

[spriggig]

Man this woman has some nerve. I am not saying this about all women but the walkaway wife types and the cheaters live in some deluded dreamworld where everybody is just supposed to cater to them and if that doesn't happen they play the poor little victim role. You mentioned that she was divorced once before. Did she pull this same crap on her first husband?

 

Yeah, not buying the victim line anymore.

 

I have no idea how all that went down. She didn't cheat on him, I know that much. She was only with him about four years.

[spriggig]

She'll have to give a LOT of great head to use the car. Make sure you eat a leg of boar while she's going to town.

 

I'll rest my tankard of mead on her head. And if she spills any I'll make her take...

 

Ah man, don't draw me into this ****, I have too much fun and then get in trouble. LOL!

Edited March 27, 2010 by spriggig

[Rearden Metal]

Fun is what you need. Don't tempt me, I've been known to hop in the Batmobile and drive for a party.

[spriggig]

Fun is what you need. Don't tempt me, I've been known to hop in the Batmobile and drive for a party.

 

She has this thing she does with her tongue that drives me effin nuts! I wonder if she'll teach it to my next GF?

 

That would be a party!

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes. Women don't repent. They either beat themselves up or blame everything that moves. Men do this, too, but sometimes we actually repent.

 

 

You guys are attracted to women who don't play straight, so of course it looks this way. Find out what your payoff is for that and your problem will be solved.

 

If a woman is a little too "mysterious" or "keeps you guessing" it probably means she has something to hide.

 

BTW Sprigg, she needs the comp because she is totally addicted. It is all part of the fantasy life. The phone calls would never suffice, their relationship would crumble in a week without the game. f-ed up eh?

 

I don't know if husbands are more repentant then wives, case-by-case I guess

[spriggig]

You guys are attracted to women who don't play straight, so of course it looks this way. Find out what your payoff is for that and your problem will be solved.

 

I can't imagine how any sane person would be attracted to that. Oh! Maybe THAT'S the answer!

 

BTW Sprigg, she needs the comp because she is totally addicted. It is all part of the fantasy life. The phone calls would never suffice, their relationship would crumble in a week without the game. f-ed up eh?

 

Yeah, I figured this and addictions of any type aren't solved by forcefully taking away the drug. They have to give it up on their own.

[Woggle]

You might not be purposely attracted to women that don't play straight but many men are subconciously attracted to women that need rescuing and if you were dating a divorced woman and willing to raise her son as your own then that might be part of problem. If a woman is always finding herself in bad situations chances are she subconciously wants it so men should always look for women who have their stuff together. It would not shock me at all if your wife pulled something similiar in her first marriage. By the way how can you be married this long and not know what really happened anyway?

[spriggig]

Continued...

Ok, I'm going to show you all what a little bitch I can be, and just how ****ing stupid I am:

 

Me: "I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry too."--You could start by

answering my questions."

 

Her: "What question?"

 

Me: "True. I asked several rhetoricals, but this one I'd like an answer to:

Is this why you didn't forgive me? If you forgave me you wouldn't have

had the anger you needed to treat me so badly. You treated much worse

by intention than I ever treated you by ignorance."

 

Her: "I don't get half of what u txt me I think... I got up to "if you forgave me yo..." I did forgive u. I'm not angry I feel guilty & awful for what I did & didn't do."

 

(I'm glad she didn't get that last part, what a *ussy I am!)

 

Me: ""I did forgive u. I'm not angry..." I didn't expect you to say this

because you shouted "YOU HAD 10 YEARS" at me this morning. But you

answered, so thank you..."

 

Her: "I wish I had been clear with u years ago how very sad & alone I was. But I never did."

 

Her: "I was mad. but u didn't have 10 yrs cuz I never told u how I felt. That wasn't ur fault."

 

Me: "Are you going to bring the car back tomorrow?"

(she still has the reliable car, I want it back)

 

Me: "Actions speak louder than words. Are you going to return the car?"

 

Her: ":( I. Don't wanna be like this. I understand why u are upset. I can't get a car until I get 1000. But I can get u the car tomorrow. I will try to get a ride to work."

 

Me: "OK, thanks. The bus is an option, [a friend of mine] says it starts at 6am. Your computer is back together and working."

 

 

Some of you idiots out there who haven't met on the field of battle with the hope monster might think that this is her making motions toward reconciliation: ":( I. Don't wanna be like this." etc.

 

It's not at all. Not even close. She is only trying to relieve her guilt here, and I, like a little bitch helped her do it. AND, she wants to be "friends" because she knows we'll have continued contact for the next six years.

 

Fortunately, I did not say I forgave her (almost did but caught myself).

 

No, she is still in the fog with the OM--she still has fantasies that they will somehow get through the LDR and be together in the future. It's possible they will but unlikely considering the crappy foundation of their relationship.

 

She will not even consider reconciling with me until the OM dumps her, which is the likely outcome. Even then the chances are next to zip that she'll come back to me.

 

Finally, if she did get over herself for real and come sniffing back around in a year or so--could I ever trust her again?

 

Little Bitch out.

[spriggig]

You might not be purposely attracted to women that don't play straight but many men are subconciously attracted to women that need rescuing and if you were dating a divorced woman and willing to raise her son as your own then that might be part of problem. If a woman is always finding herself in bad situations chances are she subconciously wants it so men should always look for women who have their stuff together. It would not shock me at all if your wife pulled something similiar in her first marriage. By the way how can you be married this long and not know what really happened anyway?

 

Ok, this I understand and you very well might be right. I recently explained to a friend that I've always felt very protective of my wife. I didn't realize I felt that way until I started talking about it. Not jealous at all, but just rescue-protective, exactly.

 

Not know what really happened regarding what? Her first marriage? We talked about that very little. He brought friends home she didn't like. So, instead he started going to their houses and coming home drunk. He got several DUI's and she got fed up and left. He remarried soon after and has had a very rocky marriage with #2, they've broken up several times.

Edited March 28, 2010 by spriggig

[GrayClouds]

Not know what really happened regarding what? Her first marriage? We talked about that very little. He brought friends home she didn't like. So, instead he started going to their houses and coming home drunk. He got several DUI's and she got fed up and left. He remarried soon after and has had a very rocky marriage with #2, they've broken up several times.

 

So let me offer a though. Her first marriage was with an alcoholic, where she played the co dependent caretaker until it got to much.

 

She then she meet you. A nice guy, pretty much takes care of himself but after some years, she feels neglected, not needed. She blame you for this for she not use to having something close to a normal realtionship, she use to drama, being unhealthily needed, having someone being dependent on her, and if not, then she does not feel loved. She wanted normal but it got a bit boring.

 

Then she get into a cheater relationship with drama and feels at home, once again feels loved and secured. And you are left feeling bad because you did not bring her home roses everyday when in fact even that would not have worked, drama would have, but that is not your style...your a little too healthy.

 

Likely the marrige would have lasted longer if you had a bigger monkey on your back.

 

Just a thought.

 

 

.

Edited March 28, 2010 by GrayClouds

[Woggle]

This also might be true. Her type unless they do serious work on themselves is pretty much incapable of having a healthy relationship. If you developed a drug habit then you might have stood a chance.

[spriggig]

So let me offer a though. Her first marriage was with an alcoholic, where she played the co dependent caretaker until it got to much.

 

She then she meet you. A nice guy, pretty much takes care of himself but after some years, she feels neglected, not needed. She blame you for this for she not use to having something close to a normal realtionship, she use to drama, being unhealthily needed, having someone being dependent on her, and if not, then she does not feel loved. She wanted normal but it got a bit boring.

 

Then she get into a cheater relationship with drama and feels at home, once again feels loved and secured. And you are left feeling bad because you did not bring her home roses everyday when in fact even that would not have worked, drama would have, but that is not your style...your a little too healthy.

 

Likely the marrige would have lasted longer if you had a bigger monkey on your back.

 

Just a thought.

 

 

.

 

Wow, impressive! Right? Wrong? Dunno. But impressive. If by normal you mean dysfunctional, you might be on to something. See my post here to find out what our marriage was really like.

 

Here is all I can offer in support: I've noticed that in the chats between her and the OM, they are constantly "touching base" with each other. They chat in-game and don't play side-by-side, but do have a chat window open. There are more "Kiss-love", "kiss", "love you babe", "You're sweet", and so forth than there is actual conversation. I only have two examples of this and I have no idea what their phone conversations or texts are like. Email conversations seem non-existent.

[spriggig]

When my STBX was gone for two weeks in February, the house felt less alive.

 

Since my STBX left this morning to live with her brother--the house feels absolutely dead.

[Woggle]

Do like I did after my divorce and remodel the house in the way that you want it. It gave me a whole new lease on life.

[GrayClouds]

Wow, impressive! Right? Wrong? Dunno. But impressive. If by normal you mean dysfunctional, you might be on to something. See my post here to find out what our marriage was really like.

 

Here is all I can offer in support: I've noticed that in the chats between her and the OM, they are constantly "touching base" with each other. They chat in-game and don't play side-by-side, but do have a chat window open. There are more "Kiss-love", "kiss", "love you babe", "You're sweet", and so forth than there is actual conversation. I only have two examples of this and I have no idea what their phone conversations or texts are like. Email conversations seem non-existent.

 

Sounds like a long term relationship, but yes you were not perfect, and that is important to see where you can improve in the future.

 

Thought I suspect that the issue you spoke of in the post was magnified by an already elevated sense of need that usually found in those who are drawn to addictive partners and general inability to be intimate enough to be honest when their needs are not being meet. They often try to be "perfect" so they will get needs meet rather then taking the risk on be open and asking for them to be meet, this avoiding rejection. Just as she did with you by moving on rather then trying to make the relationship better.

 

I other words she confuses intensity with intimacy.

 

Since my STBX left this morning to live with her brother--the house feels absolutely dead.

 

Just make sure your not confusing the constant awareness of pain with the feeling of life.

 

 

 

.

Edited March 28, 2010 by GrayClouds

[spriggig]

Thought I suspect that the issue you spoke of in the post was magnified by an already elevated sense of need that usually found in those who are drawn to addictive partners

 

Yes, I was somewhat desperate for a partner when I met her after a long time being alone--I became intensely focused on finding a partner just before I met her. Or are you describing her? I don't believe I am addictive, but she seems addicted to the game.

 

and general inability to be intimate enough to be honest when their needs are not being meet.

 

Yes, I have a hard time asking for what I want and so does she. We did pretty well at first but after the second year, I think we stopped altogether.

 

They often try to be "perfect" so they will get needs meet rather then taking the risk on be open and asking for them to be meet, this avoiding rejection. Just as she did with you by moving on rather then trying to make the relationship better.

 

She actually declared to me in a half-joking way that she was "perfect" many times during our first year together. She used that exact word to describe herself.

 

I other words she confuses intensity with intimacy.

 

Hmmm, intensity of what?

 

 

Thank you.

 

You could be describing either one of us here. Is relief from this simply being aware of it and practicing asking for my needs to be met?

Edited March 28, 2010 by spriggig

[dreamingoftigers]

I know a house doesn't seem like a home when they leave.

 

My husband left for 8 days he said he would not be returning until he got enough cash together for his own place and a vehicle.

 

The house died. Fortunately for us, I booted him and refused to see him outside of counseling to discuss ANYTHING especially our daughter.

 

He was just expecting me to wait around with her and then give him joint custody after he disappeared, left his job, the city and us $500 short on rent. He went on a bender. He thought that he would panhandle enough to make it and show up when he could for his daughter.

 

REALITY CHECK. You don't just leave your kids behind and end up on the missing person's list without some real consequences.

 

Then our little girl got pneumonia. I had RCMP round him up because I knew what town he was in. (Just to tell him she was very, very sick and to screw up his panhandling for that day, it is against bylaw there.) I had the bank run a trace on the ATM location where he pulled money out of our joint chequing account.

 

He came back down for her. Acted a little distant, so I pulled back more and said I understood that he had "plans" he had to attend to. I informed him that if he was final about his decision that I would rent out the master bedroom and that would be that. No more co-dependant me. Surprise!

 

I don't even know why he was shocked, I always do the last thing he thinks I will. I went and "rescued" him on his bender. This time I went NC until our daughter got sick. He really scratched his head on that one. Not fun coming back to reality I am sure.

 

"I don't wanna be like this"? OK well stop F-ing that guy and get your act together. There is more to life then playing High School and Medieval Space Commander or whatever-the-F it is. Kinda sad eh?

 

Your wife though, that's gonna be a piece of Hell for her. Reality not so fun in your bf's parent's house when you realize LOL. I will not refer to him as the OM in anymore of my postings on this thread: He is the LB ("Little Boy"). Kind of a demotion from "engaging the enemy" to "engaging the enemy on Mommy's Dell Laptop."

 

Plenty of girls give good head, and plenty more are willing to learn. By the time those papers are signed, you'll only need to look at some cleavage to be finished anyways. (Don't be too cheap though, I mean c'mon.)

 

Good luck

(There I got a little angry for ya)

[dreamingoftigers]

That post was a little disjointed because it got written in different parts and I think some got accidentally deleted.

 

I mean, erm.... it's a puzzle... yeah, see if you can solve it.

[GrayClouds]

Yes, I was somewhat desperate for a partner when I met her after a long time being alone--I became intensely focused on finding a partner just before I met her. Or are you describing her? I don't believe I am addictive, but she seems addicted to the game.

 

I was generally referring to her, drawn to her previous EX alcoholic. Her relationship with him. Addicts projects an intense neediness, while those who choose relationship with addicts need to be needed.

 

Interesting you use the word desperate, that too could project a curtain neediness that felt familiar with her.

 

 

She actually declared to me in a half-joking way that she was "perfect" many times during our first year together. She used that exact word to describe herself.

Again I was referring to her more then you. Those drawn to addicts can become co-dependent and often tries to be perfect in hopes that addict will do the same for them, never really learning to communicate needs effectively for fear of rejection. She could not communicate to you she was not getting her needs meet until she walk out.

 

 

Hmmm, intensity of what?

Intensity of drama, like addictive spouse, a new relationship, of cheating on the current spouse, the excitement of another new realtionship. It is easy to mistake feeling smething intense and thinking that it is something profound.

 

Yes, I have a hard time asking for what I want and so does she. We did pretty well at first but after the second year, I think we stopped altogether.

You could be describing either one of us here. Is relief from this simply being aware of it and practicing asking for my needs to be met?

Likes do attract. When it comes to real intimacy often one partner will active put space between the other partner to feel safe. The other partner will passively choose someone who is active so they too feel safe by not being required to allow someone too close, they know every time they try to get close the other will keep a safe distance between them. While one step forward the other steps back. Both trying to minimize the risk of real rejection but at the expense true acceptance but ironically if in the end both feel rejected and never really accepted.

 

Relief come from understand why you choose to behave as you did, trying to understand if it is a repetition of a unproductive pattern and discovering more productive ways to keep from returning to those patterns.

 

 

.

Edited March 28, 2010 by GrayClouds

[spriggig]

I know a house doesn't seem like a home when they leave.

 

My husband left for 8 days he said he would not be returning until he got enough cash together for his own place and a vehicle.

 

The house died. Fortunately for us, I booted him and refused to see him outside of counseling to discuss ANYTHING especially our daughter.

 

He was just expecting me to wait around with her and then give him joint custody after he disappeared, left his job, the city and us $500 short on rent. He went on a bender. He thought that he would panhandle enough to make it and show up when he could for his daughter.

 

REALITY CHECK. You don't just leave your kids behind and end up on the missing person's list without some real consequences.

 

Then our little girl got pneumonia. I had RCMP round him up because I knew what town he was in. (Just to tell him she was very, very sick and to screw up his panhandling for that day, it is against bylaw there.) I had the bank run a trace on the ATM location where he pulled money out of our joint chequing account.

 

He came back down for her. Acted a little distant, so I pulled back more and said I understood that he had "plans" he had to attend to. I informed him that if he was final about his decision that I would rent out the master bedroom and that would be that. No more co-dependant me. Surprise!

 

I don't even know why he was shocked, I always do the last thing he thinks I will. I went and "rescued" him on his bender. This time I went NC until our daughter got sick. He really scratched his head on that one. Not fun coming back to reality I am sure.

 

"I don't wanna be like this"? OK well stop F-ing that guy and get your act together. There is more to life then playing High School and Medieval Space Commander or whatever-the-F it is. Kinda sad eh?

 

Your wife though, that's gonna be a piece of Hell for her. Reality not so fun in your bf's parent's house when you realize LOL. I will not refer to him as the OM in anymore of my postings on this thread: He is the LB ("Little Boy"). Kind of a demotion from "engaging the enemy" to "engaging the enemy on Mommy's Dell Laptop."

 

Plenty of girls give good head, and plenty more are willing to learn. By the time those papers are signed, you'll only need to look at some cleavage to be finished anyways. (Don't be too cheap though, I mean c'mon.)

 

Good luck

(There I got a little angry for ya)

 

Thanks. I'm really glad I'm able to get feedback like this. It's all I can do to step back from this and get a broader perspective, and I think I get it wrong more often than right when I try. You're input helps.

[spriggig]

Intensity of drama, like addictive spouse, a new relationship, of cheating on the current spouse, the excitement of another new realtionship. It is easy to mistake feeling smething intense and thinking that it is something profound.

Thanks, this is much clearer now.

 

 

Likes do attract. When it comes to real intimacy often one partner will active put space between the other partner to feel safe. The other partner will passively choose someone who is active so they too feel safe by not being required to allow someone too close, they know every time they try to get close the other will keep a safe distance between them. While one step forward the other steps back. Both trying to minimize the risk of real rejection but at the expense true acceptance but ironically if in the end both feel rejected and never really accepted.

I can see that the first sentence describes exactly me. So, she is the passive one, the second sentence. What drives her to try to get close if she doesn't want to "allow someone too close"?

 

 

Relief come from understand why you choose to behave as you did, trying to understand if it is a repetition of a unproductive pattern and discovering more productive ways to keep from returning to those patterns.

Thank you again.

[spriggig]

She's promised to return the car today and no doubt she'll pick up some more of her stuff.

 

I see now that the entire text exchange yesterday was nothing more than her ploy to get back into the house.

 

Our son misses her deeply when she's gone.

[GrayClouds]

Thanks, this is much clearer now.

 

 

 

I can see that the first sentence describes exactly me. So, she is the passive one, the second sentence. What drives her to try to get close if she doesn't want to "allow someone too close"?

 

 

 

Thank you again.

 

We all want intimacy but until we are able to give it it's difficult to accept it. Usually the pattern of chasing love but never receiving, like most patterns, is one develop very early. The passive feels a need to "prove" they are lovable and will select someone who will directly or indirectly push them them away to repeat the pattern. This allow them the appearance of trying to get close subconsciously knowing it will not happen becouse the other will actively keep the distance. For the passive it is the choose of mate that keeps the distance rather then active behavior.

 

A book that does better then me and worth a read is "The Dance of Intimacy" by H. Lerner

[GrayClouds]

She's promised to return the car today and no doubt she'll pick up some more of her stuff.

 

I see now that the entire text exchange yesterday was nothing more than her ploy to get back into the house.

 

Our son misses her deeply when she's gone.

 

Spriggig I will suggest you also add to your log your game play on how your going to heal and how you going to help you son through this too. It may be time to move your thinking beyond hurting to healing. And with the divorce it is going to be even more important you ACTIVELY be emotionally close to the son. From here on you it is you and him that matters.

 

What positive activities you going to pursue with your free time, what is something new your going to teach yourself? Going to hit the gym?

 

What activities can you and the son do to grow closer and help each other heal? Maybe you and the son take up Karate or mountain biking? Wednesday night movie club to give him something to look forward to?

[spriggig]

We all want intimacy but until we are able to give it it's difficult to accept it. Usually the pattern of chasing love but never receiving, like most patterns, is one develop very early. The passive feels a need to "prove" they are lovable and will select someone who will directly or indirectly push them them away to repeat the pattern. This allow them the appearance of trying to get close subconsciously knowing it will not happen becouse the other will actively keep the distance. For the passive it is the choose of mate that keeps the distance rather then active behavior.

 

A book that does better then me and worth a read is "The Dance of Intimacy" by H. Lerner

 

Thank you for your patient responses and the book suggestion.