the old retrospective jealousy theme

[chevos]

Hi, I'm a first-time poster here, but I've been reading for awhile, especially threads that deal with this issue, so I know very well that this is something that has been gone over many times.

 

A little bit about myself. My dad cheated on my mom when I was in high school (when I was about 14), so I have some insecurities that obviously stem from this. My parents are still together after all this, which is pretty incredible. It's been 10 years now, and I'm 24.

 

About 7 months ago, I started seeing an older man. He's 35, divorced for 2 years with a young daughter. He was married for 10 years, but it ended because of lack of communication (they grew apart). He cheated on his ex-wife towards the very end and volunteered this information to me because I had told him about my parents.

 

We spent 2 months away from each other in a long-distance relationship, and he took the time to call me to let me know what he was doing, etc. Now, we're together in the same city, we are with each other a lot, and I have no doubts about his fidelity.

 

I've been with two other partners before him, one of them being a two-year relationship. My ex-boyfriend had been with two girls before me, and I dealt with it badly before. That was not the reason we broke up. I certainly don't want it to BE the reason my current partner and I break up, but my current boyfriend has had an active sex life since his divorce. I never have asked his number and I never will because it's better that we stay away from that even though he knows he's my third partner.

 

My issue is not with the serious relationships that he's had. That doesn't bother me because I have had a serious relationship also. (I should also tell you that I'm his first serious relationship since his divorce 2 years ago. I'm the first girlfriend to get formally introduced to his 7-year-old daughter, and the 3 of us spend time together, etc.)

 

The problem I have is that sometimes I can't deal with his casual sexual history. He hasn't told me much, and I haven't asked either, but we both know that he's had many casual affairs and one-night stands with his acquaintances (one of them being my current roommate, whom I'm very, very close with, she's 29) and strangers.

 

But sometimes I wonder if it has to do with our individual perspectives of sex or our age difference.

 

We don't have long chats about this. It has only come up a few times through other conversations. I don't ask for details. I don't bring it up twenty times a day. It's just a theme that has been plaguing ME. Some days, I feel jealous and sad. Some days, I just feel awkward and insecure. I don't usually have a low self-esteem, but with this issue...

 

The times that it has been brought up, we've dealt with it in a healthy manner. We talk, talk, talk -- not about other partners, not his, not mine. We talk about US and OUR relationship.

 

I already know all the "let the past be the past" type of things, "he's with you now, he chose to be with you instead of the other women," etc. I also am well-aware that this is only MY problem, and it has nothing to do with him in reality.

 

How do I let go and move forward for myself? How do I not let this problem, MY problem, affect our relationship? I'm not looking for comments about him. I'm looking for comments about ME. This whole thing hasn't been a huge issue yet, but I think if I don't deal with it now, it can become a problem. I'd like to nip this at the bud before it's this awful, unconquerable weed infesting our relationship.

 

That's why I'm here. I'm seeking some encouragement and advice. He knows this is an issue for me, and he reassures me that I'm very important to him. But I DON'T WANT him to reassure me anymore. I want to reassure MYSELF. How do I improve MYSELF for this relationship?

[New Again]

Why does it bother you so much?

[chevos]

I can't separate sex from a one-night stand from sex in a serious relationship. He can. My inability to separate obviously has something to do with the fact that I've only had sex in relationships.

 

He cheated on his ex-wife. Towards the end of their marriage, they had a lot of problems and they weren't having sex. He had a fling and never saw the other woman again. (He never cheated before this incident or after his divorce.)

 

I said in my first post that "I have no doubts about his fidelity." That's not true, and I regret writing that.

 

But I'm working on trusting him. I work on "trusting" my father too. They're not the same situations, I know, but they are connected in my brain. What my dad did to my mom is not the same (he had an affair that lasted a few months). What my boyfriend did to his ex-wife is not the same. I clearly don't have the same role to my father, and I am not the same person to my boyfriend.

 

My dad has changed (my parents are in a very happy marriage). Has my boyfriend changed? I can't say for sure, but I believe it. He's very introspective and communicative, and he told me about seeing a psychiatrist and making improvements on himself after his divorce.

 

I have problems with my dad. What daughter doesn't, especially after an affair? These problems come into my trust in men. This is the first time I'm in a serious relationship with a man who cheated previously.

 

I don't believe in "once a cheater." I'm not his ex-wife, our relationship was not his marriage. He's not the same person (or at least, he's working on not being the same person.) What we have between us is very strong because we communicate with each other. This was severely lacking at the end of his marriage, and we both know this, so we are very open and honest with each other, which in effect, is helping with my trust issues.

 

I believe in giving people chances too. I know it's a risk to be with a person who's cheated in other relationships. I'm willing to take this risk, especially since my boyfriend is pulling his weight in this relationship. I mean, he didn't have to tell me he cheated on his ex-wife, but he respects me enough to be frank about what he did and who he was (is?). I see it as a sign that he doesn't want to do that to himself or to me.

 

Sometimes I can separate the situations -- my father, my boyfriend, their marriages. Sometimes I can't. Is it a folly to attempt to separate them? Should I not? Are they all inextricably connected in some way? Perhaps. In my doubts, they are connected. But my doubts are what I'm trying to get rid of, so maybe I can clear them by seeing things as they are. My father, my mother. My boyfriend, his ex-wife. ... My boyfriend, ME.

 

So why can't I separate casual sex and relationship sex? Sounds simple enough compared to all these other entanglements. We are sexually compatible. Do our views of sex have to be compatible as well? Our views on sex do not define who we are, but as with all views on anything, they DO make up who we are. Who is my boyfriend? Who am I? This is turning existential, so I'll stop here, haha

 

This is a long rambling response. I'm not sure if this answers "Why does it bother you?" but hopefully, you can see how all these things add up. Hopefully, you can also see how much I've analyzed this from all perspectives also. God, maybe I should be the one seeing a psychiatrist... about my dad. You think it'd help so that I don't carry my "daddy issues" into my relationships?

 

As you can see, I'm REALLY self-aware and self-analytical. I really think this is a personal issue that I have to work on, which is why I asked for advice on what I can do for this situation. Maybe this isn't a retrospective jealousy theme after all. Who knows. It's all connected... perhaps...?

 

In the end, this is my form of therapy. Somebody out there, help please.

[New Again]

Sorry chevos, didn't mean to imply that this shouldn't bother you; just trying to get at why his attitude toward casual sex gets to you, because that's where I think you'll find the answer about what to do. After reading your second post I think I understand more what you're saying. If I think of something that I believe will be helpful, I'll post again