OFGnomore Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 (edited) If given the chance to move after an affair from the same town in which the OP lives. Would you up root your elem. school age children to do it? Even if you took a major loss on the sale of your home. What would be the benefits versus the cons of doing so? What if you felt overt pressure by the xOP to move? Would you dig in or get out? Edited March 13, 2010 by OFGnomore edit Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted March 13, 2010 Share Posted March 13, 2010 I did move after D day, sold our house, got a new job and moved 200 miles away. I moved for a number of reasons, a fresh start, not wanting to bump into OW as I didn't know how I would handle it. While I accepted that the responsibility for the A was H's I still wasn't sure if I wouldn't kick off and as I have a high profile profession, couldn't risk it. I didn't move because I thought the A would continue, if I thought that I would have moved out of my marriage!! It has been largely successful, our marriage is really good, but I miss my friends and old life. if my son had been younger I think I would still have moved. When people knew about the A I felt ashamed, yes I know not my fault and all that, but my marriage was seen as rock solid and yes I was one of those 'it will never happen to us' annoying people, so saving face was also part of it. So for us, it has been a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 why would you ever let ANY ex put that kind of pressure on you and your family? They are an EX after all. If I were going to uproot my family, I would certainly do it for the benefit of my family, not because of the pressure from some EX. It would benefit the family. The BS wouldn't have to have the A tossed in their face anymore than they have to and it would give the family a fresh start. Also, this is not a normal ex. It is someone that a married person formed a relationship with and broke their marriage vows with, not someone from before the marriage Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 The only way to defeat your demons is to face up to them. If you run from them, they will follow. Face your problems, head on, full steam ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
spriggig Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 The only way to defeat your demons is to face up to them. If you run from them, they will follow. Face your problems, head on, full steam ahead. Not to hijack the thread, but I'm planning on selling my house after my divorce from my cheating wife. I feel like this home will become nothing but a box and a prison at that. You're suggesting that someone in my situation should stay and "face the demons"--the painful memories--that the house represents? Interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 If given the chance to move after an affair from the same town in which the OP lives. Would you up root your elem. school age children to do it? Even if you took a major loss on the sale of your home. What would be the benefits versus the cons of doing so? What if you felt overt pressure by the xOP to move? Would you dig in or get out? I did not and would not move. OP was in my house many times. Keeping my house after the D was my goal and your question has made me ponder at least a new reason why the goal was so strong. I feel victorious. It is not what we achieve in life, it is what we overcome. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted March 15, 2010 Share Posted March 15, 2010 Not to hijack the thread, but I'm planning on selling my house after my divorce from my cheating wife. I feel like this home will become nothing but a box and a prison at that. You're suggesting that someone in my situation should stay and "face the demons"--the painful memories--that the house represents? Interesting. I wouldn't consider selling you home running away. IMO, selling you home and moving to another is not running away. Now, if you combine that with qutting your job, moving to another state, leaving friends and family behind, that's running away. My FWW wanted to do all those. I told her no, we're gonna stay, fight, and reclaim what is ours. The good memories now outweigh the old. But, at times they do resurface. Link to post Share on other sites
spriggig Posted March 15, 2010 Share Posted March 15, 2010 IMO, selling you home and moving to another is not running away. Now, if you combine that with qutting your job, moving to another state, leaving friends and family behind, that's running away. Well...um. Yeah. Except, my family is in another state--where I was going to run to. Hmmmmm. Gotta re-think this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OFGnomore Posted March 15, 2010 Author Share Posted March 15, 2010 OK what if you come to find your xOP is narcissist and he's started a smear campaign against you and your family to regain his image and your family is somewhat new to the community? Would you think it's worth it to stay? He and his W are in full face saving mode and have made up complete lies to clean up their image. I won't play that game, even if it leaves me with 1 friend left in the whole community. I compromised my integrity once by getting into an affair. I'm not going to live my life as a liar. BSs whether you're male or female, you'd be wise to read up on narcissism if you've been a victim of a serial cheater. Very scary personality disorder. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted March 15, 2010 Share Posted March 15, 2010 Not to hijack the thread, but I'm planning on selling my house after my divorce from my cheating wife. I feel like this home will become nothing but a box and a prison at that. You're suggesting that someone in my situation should stay and "face the demons"--the painful memories--that the house represents? Interesting. ------------------------ No one is suggesting that .. Her situation is different, and more to consider .. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted March 15, 2010 Share Posted March 15, 2010 OK what if you come to find your xOP is narcissist and he's started a smear campaign against you and your family to regain his image and your family is somewhat new to the community? Would you think it's worth it to stay? He and his W are in full face saving mode and have made up complete lies to clean up their image. I won't play that game, even if it leaves me with 1 friend left in the whole community. I compromised my integrity once by getting into an affair. I'm not going to live my life as a liar. BSs whether you're male or female, you'd be wise to read up on narcissism if you've been a victim of a serial cheater. Very scary personality disorder. ------------------------- Hi OF, You sound like you have already made up your mind - cannot take anymore, and are at the end of your rope .. In that case, I guess you are being led to make the move .. Even though we feel that the OM does not deserve for you to uproot. My original post - was to be that it can be hard on children to uproot them from one school to another - and are you secure in a job situation, where you would be moving ... If all is well financially - then a move in the summer between school semesters may work - if you are still feeling pushed to do so .. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted March 15, 2010 Share Posted March 15, 2010 Well...um. Yeah. Except, my family is in another state--where I was going to run to. Hmmmmm. Gotta re-think this. Each are different in our situations. If your family is rooted in another state, and that's where your support mechanism exists, then by all means moving back doesn't equate quiting/running away. At least IMO, for whatever that's worth. I like the original posters stand and fight mentality. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 15, 2010 Share Posted March 15, 2010 I would not move based on what you are saying. At least, I wouldn't move right now. Depends on how staying and fighting began to impact my family, especially my kids. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted March 15, 2010 Share Posted March 15, 2010 OK what if you come to find your xOP is narcissist and he's started a smear campaign against you and your family to regain his image and your family is somewhat new to the community? Would you think it's worth it to stay? He and his W are in full face saving mode and have made up complete lies to clean up their image. I won't play that game, even if it leaves me with 1 friend left in the whole community. I compromised my integrity once by getting into an affair. I'm not going to live my life as a liar. BSs whether you're male or female, you'd be wise to read up on narcissism if you've been a victim of a serial cheater. Very scary personality disorder. Oh, so you were the one who had the A? If so, shouldn't the warning be to the OP? I guess I'm confused. Either way, I suppose it would depend on whether I lived in a small community. Where I live people don't seem to be affected by smear campaigns. How does his behavior directly affect you and your family? Do you go to the same country club? Church? Gym? School? I guess I need more details. Link to post Share on other sites
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