Yet more questions about moving to bf's country :(

[Els]

So, the time has come for me to apply for my working holiday visa to my bf's country. This is different from the sort of visa many of you might have experience in applying for - it allows me to visit and work in his country for 6 months, it isn't too difficult to get and you'd usually get replies within 2 weeks or so, but you only ever get it once in a lifetime. Or at least once from 18-30 years of age, cause that's their age restriction. We're both 24, btw.

 

Now, the bf is immensely paranoid about his parents knowing about us. Please do understand that we are both Chinese and parents are very protective and conservative. Also, filial piety is held in the highest regard. He has admitted that his parents' insistence that he NOT have a girlfriend til he's graduated and established in his career is unfounded and unreasonable... but he will not fight them on it. Because his father is working away from home in a horrible environment, leaving his mother and brother alone just to fund his med school, and he would feel too guilty to disappoint them by showing them that he's blatantly going against what they want.

 

His mother has a very close relationship to one of his housemates. So he has concluded that it would be too risky for me to stay there, as his housemate would inform his mother and she would be terribly disappointed and guilt-trip him into oblivion. He has offered to take full responsibility for my accommodation elsewhere. He says he will find a place for me and pay for it for the entire duration of my 6 months' stay - and this is no mean feat for a student to offer. He would have to cut corners even more, and live even more sparingly than he already is - he even said he would take a part-time job if need be (bear in mind, he's already in the hospital for 9 hours each day Mon-Fri, often longer, and he still has to study during his spare time).

 

At first I thought I would go there, work, and pay for my own place regardless. But then I realized I was beginning to resent him for this - not only would I have to make all the arrangements (no mean feat with my OWN overprotective parents!), and go to his country, I would have to work in a job that I might not like (depending on the temp job market there) to pay for a place of my own even though I would be all too glad to stay with him and save the money?! And also, if we couldn't find a place near his, we might not see each other during days when he doesn't have the time to come to my place (8am-8pm shifts in the hospital). All because he's scared of letting his parents know?

 

So we argued over this, and he insisted that he truly could not find it in him to disappoint his parents, and I could either take that or leave it. As I thought over this, I came to the conclusion that I would accept it, but I would let him take full responsibility over the price of my accommodation (as he had offered) so that I would not resent him. Yet, part of me still struggles against that - I don't think I'd have the heart to watch him skimp on everything to pay for my rent, and not do something to help him. But, I figure, since I would be fighting my own parents to go there and he doesn't want to fight his - this will just have to be the price he will have to pay. At least, if I'm not in a job I dislike and continually resenting him that I have to do all this and not see him all that often because of his paranoia... I won't be unhappy and we won't argue over it. And worst comes to worst, if he really can't spend much time with me, I'll still be happy going around his place (it's a wonderfully scenic country, apparently) OR working at a job I like (if I can find one) and not miserably working at McDs half the time.

 

What do you guys think?

 

Edit: For those who are unfamiliar with my history - when he says he will take responsibility for something, he ALWAYS does, no matter what. This isn't some conjob to get me there and then leave me stranded and penniless, we have been together for 2 years and he has given me no reason to distrust that he will follow through on his word.

Edited March 14, 2010 by Elswyth

[aerogurl87]

He won't tell his parents about you but he wants you to spend 6 months living in his country, all the while keeping it a big secret? That's a red flag in my opinion because if he can't tell his parents about you now, what's he going to do when they find out (which they will)? Leave you because the pressure from mom and dad is too great? I'm sorry but yeah that's definitely a red flag to me.

[Els]

Well, he'd kept his previous relationship secret for 7 years, and we'd kept this secret for 2 years. He'll be graduating at the end of this year, so it won't be too bad if they found out after - and if I don't live with him, there's no way they can find out because their only link to him is through his housemates.

 

Also, I can't fault him for that because I'm not telling mine about him. If they heard about him, they'd certainly disapprove of him as well because he isn't a Christian. They'd lock me in the house, quite literally, if they found out I was going there to be with him. It's truly not uncommon in Asian societies for youth to hide their relationships from their parents, because parents as a rule are far less accepting and open. I understand that in American society it's a huge red flag, because most people attain independence earlier and are less programmed to mindless filial piety.

 

I really appreciate your response, AG, but please try to look past the parents/honesty aspect of it, because in our culture it's really different. Aside from that, what do you think about me living off him there?

[BettyBoop]

He has admitted that his parents' insistence that he NOT have a girlfriend til he's graduated and established in his career is unfounded and unreasonable...

 

Elswyth, I was wondering how many years will he be in medschool and exactly how many years is the "establishing his career" going to take? How was he planning on introducing you later on? Telling his parents that you've both just met? I'm sorry girl but I'm just wondering how long you would have to stay a secret for...

 

He has offered to take full responsibility for my accommodation elsewhere. He says he will find a place for me and pay for it for the entire duration of my 6 months' stay - and this is no mean feat for a student to offer. He would have to cut corners even more, and live even more sparingly than he already is - he even said he would take a part-time job if need be (bear in mind, he's already in the hospital for 9 hours each day Mon-Fri, often longer, and he still has to study during his spare time).

 

I find this to be a very unrealistic approach, unfortunately. How will he manage to study, work 9 hours each day, work part-time job to support you and then have the energy to spend time or even talk to you? If you are going over you will feel you are making sacrifices and that he will have to show you that you are doing the right thing...but I don't think he will have the time and energy to do so if he has to work and study all the time. Unfortunately, Elswyth, I think there is a big risk that you will go over there only to find he never has time for you and will be frustrated and angry because his grades and mood will be affected by all the working and studying and in the end you might regret even coming there.

 

But you know, it's not our decision to make but yours. If you feel this is what you need in order to move forward in this relationship then do so. If you believe he is your Mr Right then do so. But if you have the slightest doubt this may not be the man for you...then I would personally not go myself. But then again perhaps this is something you need to do to make up your mind and make a decision about the future of this relationship?

 

I wish you the best and am sorry if I sound pessimistic but I know many times I've spent a lot of money and time on guys who weren't as into me/realistic about the future as I was into them/wanted a future... (I am not saying he doesn't love you and doesn't want a future with you but I am just saying if you go be sure this is what YOU really want.)

[Els]

Thanks for taking the time to give your input, BB. Chances are it will not reach the point where he has to work, unless there are many unforeseen expenditures - but I find his offer admirable, because that is something I would not do myself.

 

The problem is, he really does want a future, otherwise he wouldn't have offered such a sacrifice on his own behalf. How many men, living an already thrifty life, would fork out large amounts for rent so their SO could be there, and promise to walk to my place each day through the winter as long as his schedule that day was reasonable (8-5), or stay over sometimes if it's feasible, even though it really is a waste of rent? If he doesn't care as much, he wouldn't have done that.

 

But yes, yes, and yes, it is a horrible situation, and I just wish both of us wouldn't need to sacrifice so much to just be together. But that's the way it's been, from Day 1. On one hand, one might say that it proves our commitment to each other, to go through circumstances that would've made many couples just give up, and to jump through hoops to just be together and yet keep all other aspects of our life (family, career, study, finances) from falling apart. On the other hand, I think we're both getting tired.

 

I'm going because I want to give us a chance, yes. Our schedules now are such that if I remain here, we barely get any time with each other, and things are falling apart. But I figure that worst comes to worst, I'd probably still enjoy myself better there and have a better chance at getting my postgrad (because I'd be able to talk to the professors personally), than if I were to stay where I am. That is assuming that I don't feel guilty and start taking just any job to help him make ends meet, and he doesn't end up working 12 hours most of the week on particular rotations and not be able to see me much and... yeah it's really shaky. I totally admit it. It's a risk definitely - but if we remain at a distance like this we're definitely screwed. There's just too many problems with LD now, especially given our time zones/schedules - we can't maintain a relationship for a year where the only time of the day that I get to talk to him is for an hour, and he actually wakes up in the middle of his sleep to enable that!

 

Edit: He's graduating at the end of this year but I don't know how long he'll need - but it definitely won't be much longer than I'll need before I can tell my own parents. I can honestly say that I don't care whether they know about me or not - I don't feel the need to be introduced to family.

 

Edit2: Just to clarify, the main sacrifice I will be making is with my parents - more about that can be found on my other thread 'At a crossroads in life' if you'd like. I'm not close to them, but me going might make them unhappy, and when they're unhappy they'll hound me for the remainder of my 3 months here. I'm still trying to convince them now, and it's a HUGE pain in the ass. They keep on trying to convince me not to go. Other than that, as long as I don't need to hold a job I hate there to make ends meet (and if he pays for the room I won't have to), all's good. His country is better than mine, and once I graduate all my friends here will be scattered so I won't have any friends to miss anyway. If it weren't for my parents, I wouldn't think and I'd just go anyway.

Edited March 14, 2010 by Elswyth

[aerogurl87]

Elsworth I think I understand your situation a little better than you may think. My parents are EXTREMELY conservative and overbearing. For example, when I dated my boyfriend my last year of high school and my parents found out they bolted all the windows in the house shut and changed the locks on the doors so I couldn't go out to see him. And they took all the keys from me, banned me from driving, etc. Then my dad has threatened to kick me out of my house if I go on vacation again by myself. So I understand how parents can be overbearing, mine are the same way. With that said, I also understand how in Asian cultures how big of a deal it is to have your parent's approval, so I can see why he wouldn't tell them about you now. But my thing is, it's gonna come out eventually and what then? They still might not approve of you or your parents may not approve of him. But you say you're ok with being his secret, which if you're fine with, then that's good for you. But the truth will have to come out at some point, it usually has a way of doing so.

 

Also BettyBoop made some valid points. If he's working a part time job, going to school, and being in the hospital for like 12 hours a day, when is he going to have time for you if you come live in his country? More than likely he'll be exhausted from studying and working when he comes home. And even if he does make time for you, it probably won't be much. So why not just come to a compromise of visiting him whenever he has breaks, or one weekend out of every month? I know it would still mean you'd be apart but at least then you'd know when you two spent time together he'd be able to give you all the attention I know you two both want. Just a suggestion.

[Els]

AG: Oh my, at least mine left the locks intact! A cheap return ticket to his country is approximately 4000 bucks of my currency (which is about 1500 NZ$, but we're both receiving our money from our parents in our own currency, and I'd be paid in my own currency if I stay here and work after grad, so that's what matters). No way we can afford to visit that often. Also if I go to visit him it'll make my parents even MORE pissed than the working holiday, so that'd be worse.

Edited March 15, 2010 by Elswyth