prejudice.. bla h blah friends with benefits

[Sw3etdev1L]

One year ago, I went out with this guy (X).. got drunk end up having sex.

I had never done something like that in my life. EVER.

next day of course I didn't even want to see him.

I let time pass, I didn't want to see his face.

I started going out with someone else...

Then I went to go out with him again...and we had sex, again.

Chatted a lot online.

But he kept on going out with other people and me too.

I started being girlfriend with another guy. Then I broke up.. With that first guy I didn't have nothing sexual. Then I went back to date X.

Things happened with him again. Then I started dating another guy, because I didn't want X to be my boyfriend. I thought he would not treat me right because of our history together. Then I started a relationship with another guy. Thewe two relationships lasted for a month or so..and I went back with X, we still had sex and that kind of relationship.

Throughout the year, I had been going through some problems, my mother had cancer, she died..I was depressed, had to take some antidepressants, and anticonvulsivants because I was diagnosed with a problem in which , when you are going through a tough moment, I get more sad than other people..so, I stop drinking.

Then I thought that, maybe X was a valuable person, that I really liked him, we both had fantastic sex, and maybe he would be a right person for me, we always have fun when we go out...so, ....

When my mother died, of course I chatted with him, but online... I was living through tough momets, he went 2 times to the praying session. I felt horribe of course. I was very very sad. then he saw me, really bad, in a very bad stage...after that passed, we kept going out, having sex.. until I asked him if he was going out with other people besides myself.. He said he wasn't. That he was not dating or having sex, he asked me and I told him I was not going out with no one, and have had no sex with no one else.. He was amazed. But, then, he started acting weird with me.. I told my sister about what was going on and she told me he was just using me for sex.. Truth is, I started this whole sex confusing kind of relatinoship.

We went to the movies, and made out, went to another place, had sex...so then I asked myself.."¿to what point is he interested in me, and not only booty?"...I felt horrible.. because...before I had gotten into those two relatinoships he used to call me and text me and want to go out with me, and I used to ignore him...and when finally I started to notice him, I was the one calling him, texting him...and one day we were in our making out session, his sister called him to the cell phone and said he was with his friend. I felt bad about it, so decided to clear things out for him.

I called him two times a sunday and told him if he could go talk to me for 15 min in my house, he was not able to. I phoned him two times on monday.. He said he had an hour.. I went to talk to him, ( I lasted for about 15 minutes) because he said he was going to make a work phone call after 25 minutes after I had arrived to the place we were gonna talk to each other... Told him, I was sorry if I made him feel that I didn't care before, but that I was going through a really tough moment, that I didn't even know what I wanted, but the truth was that I had never been involved in a kind of relationship like that (which is 100% true), and that I was getting confused with that kind of relationship, that maybe it was working for him, but not for me anymore.. and he said that he knew the next step for our relationship was to be boyfriend/girlfriend, but that he was not ready for that kind of committment, that he didn't know what he wanted and that he was having trouble at work, that he had to fix that up in order to have a girlfriend. So I told him, that I agreed that he was confused, that he didn't know what he wanted, but that I wanted love and not a kind of relationship where I didn't know where I was standing.. he told me that our problem was that we started just having fun and at last, mixing our feelings with each other, so he asked me "what do you want to do??"..and I told him that I was not going to ask him to be my boyfriend, that I wanted for us to be only friends..because I didn't quite trust him enough, and that he didn't know me well..

Now I feel terrible I said that, because two weeks have passed and I haven't known from him..

I have only said hi one time two days ago in messenger, very random and that's it..

Two weeks have passed and I really think I like him. I was not sure before. Because well, my ex boyfriends have been tall, cute, nice, not very compatible with me..but he is short, not very cute..but I really like him because he have fun together, great sex, we have a good communication.. and I really miss him, I cannot think about not having something intimate with him again.. or just being friends, I think that is tough.

So, we are friends..but somehow.. I've been sad about that.

Before I didn't care. Now I do..

Things are just like that...

I spoke to a friend of his, she was three years his best friend, and I said I kinda had had a free relationship with him but I didn't want to be that, that I wanted to be his girlfriend or nothing, the truth is I do want to be his girlfriend but I don't want to be the one to propose the idea.. I want him to be sure of what he wants, and if he doesn't want me.. then I prefer to go out with someone that will give me the credit of the person I am.. I am not a slut, I just made the wrong decision with the wrong prson.. because I like him, and I had never been in some kind of situation like this, and I need my boyfriends to give me worth, and I had to talk to him like that to make him see I am worth it.. I hope.. he can of sees things clear and get me..

insights??