justaguy123 Posted March 14, 2010 Posted March 14, 2010 Hi this is the first time I've ever joined an online forum but I've been reading a lot of the threads here and the people here are really nice and seem to have good advice so I thought I would give it a shot. So here it goes. My first Girlfriend ever just dumped me three weeks ago and it hurts like hell. She was my first love, hell she taught me how to love and I just wanted to get your guys opinion on if you think we could ever get back together. I meet her in second year university and we became fast friends. She is in my program and is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. We worked together and went to all of the same classes and quickly started a great friendship. Secretly I wanted something more, but she had a boyfriend and I'm not a gerk and did not try and make any moves on her. So about 5 months of it just being me and her at university with each other with our mutual friend (we were known as the three musketeers) she told me that she had feelings for me and that she wanted to leave her boyfriend and be with me. I was sooo happy I had no idea that she felt this way and I was so exited that a girl so beautiful would ever want someone like me. Anyway she left her boyfriend and we started dating and it was the happiest time of my life. Even when I had to go away for a job in another city we talked every day and I even got a webcam so I could see her too. Also I came back every weekend to see her. She said she loved me and that she had never felt this way about anyone before (unlike me she had dated before). I told her I never wanted to be without her and she said the same. So after I came back from my job we moved into my house because it was in the same town as the university and we lived there for 6 months. We were happy, at least I thought we were. I do have a tendency to be negative sometimes about things. So during those six months we were in school together every day and we went home together too. We were inseparable. Then one day I realize she seems more distant and about two weeks after that she comes home one day from her group at school and says she doesn't know what she wants. She says she needs time to think and she doesn't know if she wants me anymore. Two days go past with frantic phone calls to her asking her if she is alright and if she is coming back to me(she went home to her parents). Then she comes by the house because she said she needed to grab some stuff and she tells me that she needs to be single for awhile and that I have been draining her with my negativity. She said she still loves me and cares for me and that she doesn't want to lose me as a friend but she cant be with me right now. I didn't know what to do, I cried, I pleaded, I was in shock. I thought everything was great, we were just about to move into an apartment together. I was a wreck but I realized that she was right about my negativity and that I need to fix myself before we could ever work, but then I find out from her sister that she brought home to her house another guy three days after she said she wanted to be single. I was sooooo angry. I didn't think she would ever do something so cold and that she would lie to me about it too. I contacted her with an email a week after I found out (i had started NC because I knew it was the best thing for both of us) asking her to explain her actions. She then said she did not break up with me for this other guy and said that we could never work because we are too different as people and that I could never really change. I haven't talked to her since, I still love her and I know we can be happy together again. I have been working on my self esteem and started taking care of myself better. Not only for her, but for myself , to make me feel good. I want to see her so bad and I have been wanting to talk to her everyday. I havent though because I know it would just make things worse. I am happier now I have been getting out of the house and going out with friends and even taken up salsa lessons, but I still think about her every day and wondering if she misses me too. Right now she is in the bahamas with her family (on a trip we were to take together) and I feel like I've lost a part of me. I feel better than I did when we first broke up (its been over 3 weeks of NC) and I think we could make it work, but part of me thinks that she doesn't want it at all, she just wants to be with this other guy and forget about me. I don't know how someone who said they loved me could treat me so coldly and not even try to work things out. She didn't even try to talk to me about what was wrong she just said it and left and now she is with someother guy. I don't know what to do. I know she is a good person and I think we can be happy together. She is just too impulsive and does things way to fast for her own good. I just wish she had talked to me about it and tried to work things out. I'm thinking of contacting her when she gets back from the bahamas and see how she is doing. Anyway any opinions on my situation?
sigurpol Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I was going to mention it before you said it at the end.. but I'll say it anyway, haha. I feel like things did move sort of quickly. How long was she with her ex for, before she started to date you? Because it seems like she may be doing the same thing to you, that she did with her ex. You have to be careful of it. That's something I learned, that if a girl I like can sell out her boyfriend, then it could happen to me. It's a turnoff. Good for you though, for working on yourself, cause you owe it after that headache. It's rough, man. But keep at it. For someone to say all the things she said to you, then to later mention that it "won't ever work" leaves me confused. Perhaps she's just saying that without having to actually get into things. As far as asking how her vacation went... I honestly wouldn't. You can if you'd like, but I feel like if you want to talk about something, then talk about it. I know you want to test the water by asking the question, but keep in mind if you do, you may lose a lot of NC work you put in. Perhaps things closed in too quickly for her?
Author justaguy123 Posted March 15, 2010 Author Posted March 15, 2010 How long was she with her ex for, before she started to date you? She was with her ex for around 8 months or something like that before she left him for me and we were just about to celebrate our one year anniversary the week before we were to go to the Bahamas. So she is no stranger to relationships. I do get the fact that I think she left because we were moving too fast and that she didn't know if she wanted to be with me forever. But the thing is is that she was the one that set the speed of our relationship not me. She was the one who suggested we move into an apartment together when I came back from my job. I had to convince her that it was a little fast so we compromised and she moved into my house. I just don't get how she could go from full speed to stop in no time at all. I get the needing time to think about what she wants and the part about me being negative a lot and how I need to work on myself, but to give up without a fight really hurts and then to go and be with another guy who she became friends with while we were dating is just horrible. I know it sounds exactly the same as how I started dating her, but I thought we were different. I still don't know if she is actually dating this guy or if they just went out once but it still hurts and I can't stop wondering. I've already talked to her about this and she told me exactly why she dumped me and how the thing with this other guy has nothing to do with me. I know I should move on and stop thinking about her and that someone who really loved me would not do this to me but I still love her and I know that we could fix the problems that we have. Anyway thanks for your post. I've already been working through all of this stuff with my friends but its nice to get outsiders opinions .
starwolf242 Posted March 15, 2010 Posted March 15, 2010 I am in the exact same situation. My ex was my first love, I was always really negative he left and then immediately started dating this female friend of his who has fancied him as long as I knew him. We too were just about to celebrate 1 year and he left his ex for me the day after he met me. I know exactly how you are feeling and the hope that you'll reconcile won't go away but I'm at 3.5 months after the break up now and he's made no attempt to get in touch with me whatsoever and from what I understand, him and her are inseperable and practically living together already. I love him so much but hate him for treating me so callously since we broke up. Take it from me. Don't contact her. I know it's hard believe me but if you do what I'm doing and being nice to her and hoping for her to see sense and come back to you then you'll be on the same emotional rollercoaster I've been on and it's not fun to keep going back to square one. It may sound ridiculous to some of the more veteran posters here but in my core i know he'll come back to me one day. The trouble is one day might be in 20 years. Our situations are so similar that I would bet you feel the same. But trust me, we have to stop being so negative because it drives people away and we'll have to go through our first heart break togther. Do your best to stop thinking about her and the guy. Odds are they won't last. It does get easier but like I said if you keep holding out for another chance, then you will have days that hit you like a hammer and negativity and depression catch you off guard and keep you down for days. I'm going through exactly the same thing so if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. Chin up )
USMCHokie Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 She was with her ex for around 8 months or something like that before she left him for me and we were just about to celebrate our one year anniversary the week before we were to go to the Bahamas. She is leaving you for someone new just like she left her ex for you. Some people never change...and you should have been careful when she left someone so quickly for you...you were just next in line... So she is no stranger to relationships. I do get the fact that I think she left because we were moving too fast and that she didn't know if she wanted to be with me forever. But the thing is is that she was the one that set the speed of our relationship not me. She was the one who suggested we move into an apartment together when I came back from my job. I had to convince her that it was a little fast so we compromised and she moved into my house. I just don't get how she could go from full speed to stop in no time at all. I get the needing time to think about what she wants and the part about me being negative a lot and how I need to work on myself, but to give up without a fight really hurts and then to go and be with another guy who she became friends with while we were dating is just horrible. She knows EXACTLY what she wants...she wants to go full speed with someone new, because it's that new tingly feeling you get when you're full speeding with a new person...she's addicted to the chemical feeling... I know it sounds exactly the same as how I started dating her, but I thought we were different. I still don't know if she is actually dating this guy or if they just went out once but it still hurts and I can't stop wondering. You aren't different. You were just the flavor of the week... I've already talked to her about this and she told me exactly why she dumped me and how the thing with this other guy has nothing to do with me. She's full of sh*t. I know I should move on and stop thinking about her and that someone who really loved me would not do this to me but I still love her and I know that we could fix the problems that we have. Anyway thanks for your post. I've already been working through all of this stuff with my friends but its nice to get outsiders opinions . Take a listen to this song by Three Days Grace, Last to Know...let me know what you think... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hg35FPMdzdU But seriously, you need to move on...girls like her are not good for you...it's not your problem...it's her problem...it's the way she is...and I'm sorry you have to go through it...
Author justaguy123 Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Take a listen to this song by Three Days Grace, Last to Know...let me know what you think... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hg35FPMdzdU Thanks for your replies. That song sounds exactly like my situation. I'm listening to it right now. Take it from me. Don't contact her. I know it's hard believe me but if you do what I'm doing and being nice to her and hoping for her to see sense and come back to you then you'll be on the same emotional rollercoaster I've been on and it's not fun to keep going back to square one. I know I shouldn't contact her, but I want to at least to be civil to her and show her that I'm ok without her and that I don't need her. I'm going to have to see her again everyday sooner or later because we are in all of the same classes and I might as well show her that she doesn't control my actions anymore. It's going to be hard to see her everyday but at least I know that she made a mistake in leaving me and through being happy without her and showing that I can be great, hopefully she will see what a coward she was and what a mistake she made. I know I shouldn't hope for anything and that if she is in a relationship with this other guy that I probably have no chance at competing with the honeymoon faze, but I'm going to show her she hasn't won anything. Even if she doesn't care, its for me not her.
USMCHokie Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I know I shouldn't contact her, but I want to at least to be civil to her and show her that I'm ok without her and that I don't need her. I'm going to have to see her again everyday sooner or later because we are in all of the same classes and I might as well show her that she doesn't control my actions anymore. It's going to be hard to see her everyday but at least I know that she made a mistake in leaving me and through being happy without her and showing that I can be great, hopefully she will see what a coward she was and what a mistake she made. I know I shouldn't hope for anything and that if she is in a relationship with this other guy that I probably have no chance at competing with the honeymoon faze, but I'm going to show her she hasn't won anything. Even if she doesn't care, its for me not her. You can show her that you are better off without her without having to talk to her. She's the scum of the universe and doesn't deserve the f'in time of day from you. Just feel sorry for the next guy she plays... No contact is the way to go. Be civil if she insists on talking to you, but also be strong. You don't need to do anything special or emphasize to her that you're ok...just live your life...
Author justaguy123 Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 You can show her that you are better off without her without having to talk to her. She's the scum of the universe and doesn't deserve the f'in time of day from you. Just feel sorry for the next guy she plays... No contact is the way to go. Be civil if she insists on talking to you, but also be strong. You don't need to do anything special or emphasize to her that you're ok...just live your life... lol I do feel sorry for the next guy. She seems to go for the nice guys and then when she realizes that they have problems that aren't her own she gets all worried and thinks "Hmm maybe there is someone out there who doesn't have these problems." instead of trying to work through them. I know I'm not perfect, but no one is. Anyways about this other guy, I've actually thought of warning him, but that would be going into her business and I don't want that. So I'm not. I know she didn't really want to hurt me and that she is sorry. She is a good person, but I think she doesn't really think things through as much as she should. At least about other people, she does a lot of thinking about her future and did a lot of thinking about our future and I think that because of that she didn't think about the now and didn't think we could work through it. All she saw was my negativity at school and about other little things and said "Do I really want to be with someone like that." But the thing is is that I am not my negativity, I am who I want to be and if she had just told me that she was really concerned about that as a problem for us I would have worked harder to get to a better place. Well thats what I'm doing now. I'm going out more and being with people. I'm trying new things and am making my life better. I guess thats all anyone can do. Try to make you better and hope that people will see what you want to be.
USMCHokie Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 I know she didn't really want to hurt me and that she is sorry. She is a good person, but I think she doesn't really think things through as much as she should. At least about other people, she does a lot of thinking about her future and did a lot of thinking about our future and I think that because of that she didn't think about the now and didn't think we could work through it. All she saw was my negativity at school and about other little things and said "Do I really want to be with someone like that." But the thing is is that I am not my negativity, I am who I want to be and if she had just told me that she was really concerned about that as a problem for us I would have worked harder to get to a better place. Herein lies the error in your thinking...she is precisely the opposite of that...she only thinks about the present with no care for the future...she just wants some strange...it's not about working out problems or any of that BS...it's about wanting something new while she's still young enough to be attractive and desirable to guys...just wait a few years, she'll be all washed up, perhaps with a few kids in tow, just waiting for the next poor schmuck to knock her up... Sorry, but you're giving this girl way too much credit...
Author justaguy123 Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Herein lies the error in your thinking...she is precisely the opposite of that...she only thinks about the present with no care for the future...she just wants some strange...it's not about working out problems or any of that BS...it's about wanting something new while she's still young enough to be attractive and desirable to guys...just wait a few years, she'll be all washed up, perhaps with a few kids in tow, just waiting for the next poor schmuck to knock her up... Sorry, but you're giving this girl way too much credit... Nope, maybe I've given you the wrong impression of her. She is the kind of person who wants a PERFECT life. She wants everything just so and if something doesn't fit she gets rid of it. She thinks she can get that and the feeling she gets at the begging of a new relationship (honeymoon faze) is what she wants for the rest of her life. I can understand wanting that (hell I would want that too), but I think she doesn't get that there are good and bad times in relationships and that no one is perfect. She is the kind of person who thinks the grass is always greener, even though all she has to do is water her own lawn and it could be just as good.
starwolf242 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Justaguy you are in exactly the same mindset I am. Even though my ex is behaving like a total jackass to me now I still try to convince myself and everyone around me that he's not like that. I think it's because we can't face the fact we judged someone wrongly. On top of feeling rejected and lonely we start to doubt ourselves if we could be so wrong about someone. What USMCHOkie is saying is the last thing you want to hear but it's the truth. If he was saying it to me I'd do exactly what you are and disagree and think maybe I'd portrayed things wrongly but the fact of the matter is he is right. Our relationships and the people in them are practically twins! Everything you're saying/feeling/thinking is exactly what I've been saying/feeling/thinking and everything she is doing is exactly the same as my ex. It's freakishly similar. As for showing her how well you are doing there's no point. The truth is you aren't doing so well because you're still thinking about her and she will know any act you put on to seem fine is just that, an act. I can understand the trying to be civil. I did exactly the same thing and it fell on deaf ears and he made me feel like I was being a psycho ex even though all I was doing was trying to say no hard feelings, we can still be friends. The heart breaking fact of the matter is that they don't give a ****. I bet when she left her ex for you she did exactly the same to him as she is doing to you now. Just like my ex did. I can't fathom how they do it but they seem to just switch off any loving feelings they had and erase us from their minds. What you and I have to realise is that although we thought our relationships were different and special, and at the time maybe our exes thought that too, now they are treating us exactly the same as the ones before us. The only upside is that we know how they are going to behave with the new person and how they will behave to us the old person because we’ve already seen them do it. I offered to warn my exes new girlfriend but she is under the same spell I was/am that he is the greatest guy ever and that their ‘love’ will last. It won’t. People like your ex and mine are co-dependent. They hop from one relationship to another chasing the first spark because they are young. I’m 24, he was 20. I’ve done my spark chasing and I know that the spark is great in the beginning but it’s the love that matters in the end. And all relationships no matter how perfect will have ups and downs. It’s good that you already know this and are prepared to work on relationships. I promise you at some point our exes will find themselves with no relationship to jump into and either be alone or stuck in a relationship they hate and they will realise how foolish they have been at giving up on things so easily. While you and I will go on to find someone emotionally mature enough to have a long term relationship with us and we will be happy. I know exactly where your head and heart are at the minute and I’m not going to lie to you, you’ll be there for a while longer but the only way to keep you moving forward through this lonely dark time is to try to keep as much control as you can. Don’t go NC because everyone is telling you to. Go NC because you don’t want to talk to her. And when you see her in class your heart is going to race and you’ll shake and it will be awful, but by keeping your distance and silence, she won’t notice that inside you there is a whirlwind of emotion and panic. If she speaks to you be polite and civil but don’t be friendly. If a best friend treated you the way she has would you still be trying to be nice to them? I wouldn’t but because we love them we’ll forgive them anything. You need to get to a stage where you hate her for what she did to you. I’m currently at the stage where I think I would still like for him to come back to me but I honestly don’t know if I would/could take him back now. Their behaviour is disgraceful and disrespectful and we deserve so much better than that (although I know you feel like she is a great girl and that no-one else could measure up). Nothing I or anyone else says is going to convince you of what is the correct thing to do, listen to your heart and your gut and make the mistakes all us heartbroken first lovers do or try to ignore your brain trying to rationalise everything out and listen to those of us who have already made the mistakes. And with the fact that our relationships are mirror images I’d wager I’ve already made the mistakes you are considering making. What I’m telling you I’m saying from an objective point of view, giving you my experience of what you’re going through because it really is the same. But if someone was saying this to me (even now nearly 4 months on) I would probably think they were wrong. So you have two options. Keep fighting to hold on to the reality that she is lovely and just a bit confused and if you keep pushing she’ll come to her senses and emotionally beat yourself up for the next 4 months when she doesn’t do what you are hoping for or come to terms with the reality that maybe for now it is over. There may be another chance down the line when she’s matured and if it is meant to be then you never know. And try your best to focus your mind elsewhere until thoughts of her become sporadic and eventually disappear. Bear in mind that I chose option 1 and am still in the same place you are right now. As of today I’m going to chose option 2. Join me?
Author justaguy123 Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Justaguy you are in exactly the same mindset I am. Even though my ex is behaving like a total jackass to me now I still try to convince myself and everyone around me that he's not like that. I think it's because we can't face the fact we judged someone wrongly. On top of feeling rejected and lonely we start to doubt ourselves if we could be so wrong about someone. Your right about me doubting if I could judge someone so wrongly. When you spend so much time with someone it is difficult to think that you didn't know them at all if they could do something so harsh to you. Our relationships and the people in them are practically twins! Everything you're saying/feeling/thinking is exactly what I've been saying/feeling/thinking and everything she is doing is exactly the same as my ex. It's freakishly similar. What's your story? I would like to hear it. As for showing her how well you are doing there's no point. The truth is you aren't doing so well because you're still thinking about her and she will know any act you put on to seem fine is just that, an act. I can understand the trying to be civil. I did exactly the same thing and it fell on deaf ears and he made me feel like I was being a psycho ex even though all I was doing was trying to say no hard feelings, we can still be friends. The heart breaking fact of the matter is that they don't give a ****. Yeah you are right about that. I'm not in a very good place. Even though I distract myself and try to make my life better (and i think I'm succeeding at making it better) I still think about her all the time. Whether it be lying in bed watching a movie or going out with friends, everything just reminds me of her. You need to get to a stage where you hate her for what she did to you. I do hate her for what she did, but I still love her, ya know. I want to get to the point of indifference. Where I don't care about her at all. That would be great. So you have two options. Keep fighting to hold on to the reality that she is lovely and just a bit confused and if you keep pushing she’ll come to her senses and emotionally beat yourself up for the next 4 months when she doesn’t do what you are hoping for or come to terms with the reality that maybe for now it is over. There may be another chance down the line when she’s matured and if it is meant to be then you never know. And try your best to focus your mind elsewhere until thoughts of her become sporadic and eventually disappear. Bear in mind that I chose option 1 and am still in the same place you are right now. As of today I’m going to chose option 2. Join me? I don't know if im at that place yet. I think I need to make those mistakes even if they hurt me more. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't try. I know first love is not always the best love and I might seem a little naive but I think I need to experience this because I can't not try. I know it will probably not end the way I want and that I should listen to your advice but I can't give up. I don't think I will contact her right away after she gets back though. You guys have talked me out of that. I'm not ready to talk to her I guess, even though I want to. I need to be in the state of mind of not needing her and being able to move on. I'm getting there though. I know I don't need her now, but right now I want her too much to talk to her. Thank you for your posts and insights.
starwolf242 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Basically, I have been with this guy for just under a year. He's 20, i'm 24. He met me when he had a girlfriend but broke up with her the next day after meeting me and we were together a few days later. I was begging him not to break up with her for me but he insisted he wasn’t happy with her and that he felt a really strong connection to me. We were both very respectful to her and kept our relationship quiet so she wouldn’t see something to hurt her (my idea) and had the most amazing relationship for ages. We were so happy and so in love. He applied for a graduate job here as his first choice (to be with me) and back in his hometown as a second choice. We had a pretty tough time about 11 months in at the end of October (our first rough patch) because he mentioned to me that I should try to lose some weight and tone up. this devastated me and I nearly broke up with him over it but he got so upset about losing me saying he truely loves me, I was the only one he wants to spend his future with etc that I stayed and we tried to work through it. Then at the end of November he told me he felt like we were more friends than lovers and I assumed this was just because we hadn't had sex since the weight argument and hadn't been seeing as much of each other as we had assignments due and I was working part time and there were alot of stresses on both of us. he had a death in the family, my father got taken into hospital, money worries and Uni work as well. We had sex and I thought everything had got back to normal. We were as loved up as ever and regularly telling each other I love you. But then I found out the funeral was on the day of our anniversary. He'd missed Valentines day and my birthday and was now going to miss our first anniversary as well because he had to go home everytime for some family thing. At first I took it well but then I did get really angry about it. I was completely selfish when i should've been supportive to him. We argued and he asked if i was going to break up with him. I said no but that I was angry and didn't feel special to him because he kept missing our special occasions even though I understood it wasn't his fault. I suggested maybe we take a break and he agreed. After only a day i missed him so much I text him and said i didn't want to be on a break because I loved him and was sorry and felt if we stayed on a break we'd break up. He said he really didn't want to break up. but then the next day he said he wanted us to break up because he had been unhappy for a couple of months and had had enough of us arguing and that i had hurt him with some of the things i said when I was angry. He said he was confused about his feelings and didn't know if he loved me anymore. I convinced him to come and see me and managed to convince him to stay, and promised that things would get better. We apologised to each other and kissed and made up. But then when i saw him the next day it was really awkward and i asked him if he really wanted to be with me and he said yes but that he was still confused about his feelings. He said he felt he needed time away from me to see if he would miss me. I asked if he had a button to push that would take us back to our good times would he push it and he said yes so i said ok to breaking up. He asked if I would take him back if he wanted to come back and I said yes. He said he still had feelings for me but felt too much had gone wrong and that he couldn't make me happy. I begged him to come back to me once he'd had his time but 3 days after us splitting up I asked him if he had any idea whether it would be good or bad news. He said he thought bad because he didn't love me like he used to and that the arguments had worn his love away. And now he says he likes this other girl (who has liked him for a while and I warned him about this on a few occasions.) She's a friend of his and i honestly think she is just convenient becase he knows she likes him and will no doubt be giving him positive attention. He's gave all my stuff back and is now going out with this girl. He told me he started to get feelings for her during our final week together because we were having such a rough time and that if we hadn’t had such a bad time he probably wouldn’t have even looked at her. The break up was very unexpected for me. I feel it was a spur of the moment thing for him too because we'd had an argument and I think she is a rebound. But I'm worried that having attention from her will mean he's not thinking about me at all and therefore won't miss me. He says he thinks our break up is permanent even though when we exchanged stuff a few days after the break up he was really sad about it and kept hugging me and looking back at me. But did say there may be a chance we'll get back together and that he'll have to see how Xmas goes. Over xmas he won't be seeing her but they'll still be texting and he's asked me to give him a few weeks to himself. I'm really confused how he can go from being totally in love with me to not wanting to hear from me at all in the space of a month and how if he likes this other girl he would want to give us another try. I wrote him a letter telling him i was sorry for the things I said and the way I acted during his difficult time. And that if he came back to me i would make sure life stresses would never get in the way and make us argue again and that we could start again from scratch. but i don't know if he read it. He sent me a fb message on Boxing day saying happy xmas and talking to me as if I was just a mate and I haven’t heard anything from him since. From what mutual friends have told me he is doing with her exactly what he did with me i.e. totally loved up, brushing teeth together, spending as much time together as possible and their claiming to be in love and probably thinking about moving to Manchester together since they both graduate at the same time and that’s where his graduate job will be based. All our mutual friends say him turning his attention to her was very sudden so I don’t think that he actually left me for her, I think he did want to work on it but I think he was getting her ready as a backup but who knows. The frustrating thing is that he was everything I had ever wanted in a guy. Looks, personality, he was my dream guy and it just devastates me every time I think about what I’ve lost and how he’s treating me now it also makes me think that if I could have the perfect guy and love of my life and it get all ****ed up then I have no chance of finding a lasting love. But I force myself to stop thinking like that and have to have faith that either we were meant to be but it wasn’t the right time for us or there is someone else out there for me. So
Author justaguy123 Posted March 16, 2010 Author Posted March 16, 2010 Your story does sound a lot like mine. It really sucks, huh. Do you ever think "If I knew then what I know now I would do things differently.". Some times I wish I could just go back to the beginning of the year and be the person I am now. Then I could show her that I am not the things she dumped me for and maybe things would have turned out differently.
starwolf242 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 When we first broke up i wished with all my heart that i could go back and do things differently. Then i wished I'd never met him because frankly dealing with the hope of one day finding a love is much easier than dealing with the loss of a love. And then I think well, I always wanted to find a love like what I had and while I had always hoped it would be the forever love everyone looks for, I'm glad that my first love was with someone who when we were together was a perfect boyfriend. It's just a pity he's behaving like a dumbass now we've split up. Like you say, it teaches you how to love, it teaches you what you want from a significant other and it sets the bar. Before my ex I dated anyone who showed an interest because I figured you never know if that person could be the one or not but I never saw a future with them because I knew they weren't right. With my ex, I could see a future. And it was the future i had always envisioned for myself. So now I've had a taste of that and know that I can attract a good looking, nice guy I won't settle for less now. You'll swing backwards and forwards between wishing to change it, wishing it never happened and being thankful that it did but ultimately I think everything happens for a reason. With me, I was getting ready to drop out of Uni and had concluded I wouldn't meet someone special at all while I was studying and then there he was. Then when we broke up, my grades had started to suffer because I was more devoted to him than my studies so for me, I think he was brought into my life to make me stay in school and taken out of my life to make me concentrate on school. Like I said, it is really weird how very similar our stories are and I do know where your head is at but I agree with you that if you think you can handle it, make the mistakes for yourself. You might have more luck with yours than I did with mine as you see each other regularly whereas I haven't seen my ex since we gave our stuff back. But just make sure that your dignity and heart can handle the worst case scenario. And as always if you want some advice or to run something past someone else, give me a shout. Trying to advise you of what to do is sort of a good way for me to advise myself. So i'm more than happy to be an ear for you to bend. I know it's a hard place to be in and the self doubt and negativity it brings up can be overwhelming. But stay strong and now you know someone else in the same boat as you. I find it comforting to know someone else is in my situation. Nothing worse than seeing a load of scenarios that aren't anything like what you are going through and trying to find hope and advice in something that doesn't fit your situation.
Author justaguy123 Posted March 17, 2010 Author Posted March 17, 2010 (edited) Crap, I just broke nc. I didn't mean to but it happened. I was out at a bar for St patties day and I was drunk. I tried to get my phone to recognize the work f-u-c-k and u and in doing so I accidentally sent it to my ex. I quickly sent an apology saying I didn't mean to send that and that it was meant for someone else. I'm so ashamed. I worked so hard not to talk to her or send her anything and now it is ruined because I accidentally sent this text. I just hope since she is in the bahamas that she wont get it. What should I do? What should I do if she contacts me about it? I'm so scared that I screwed this up. (I know this sounds like I was trying to send her this message but I really was just trying to put the word f-u-c-k into the dictionary of my phone) Edited March 17, 2010 by justaguy123
starwolf242 Posted March 18, 2010 Posted March 18, 2010 Hmmm, tough one. First of all to avoid future problems like this if you can't bring yourself to delete her number (and I totally get that) then save it under a different name. Second if your phone is like mine and it helpfully keeps your most regular contacted numbers somewhere easy for you to get to like a shortlist, then delete her off it toavoid this happening again and finally if you are sure you want to make sure she understands that was not for her maybe sent her a fb message or an email saying you were drunk and it wasn't meant for her but that her name is first on the contact list. Then try to forget about it. She may contact you and say it's ok or she may not. So first mistake made. It's not fun. Just hang in there and return to NC like it didn't happen. DO NOT OBSSESS ABOUT THIS AND SEND HER RIDICULOUS NUMBERS OF MESSAGES TRYING TO APOLOGISE. ONCE IS ENOUGH.
Author justaguy123 Posted March 18, 2010 Author Posted March 18, 2010 OK thanks. Im going to try and forget about it. I just put her as some thing else on my phone so it is not the first one. Im not going to contact her again though. You're right once is enough. (lets just hope she never got it)
Author justaguy123 Posted March 19, 2010 Author Posted March 19, 2010 Well it's confirmed (well as much as it can be without asking her). She is with this other guy. In a moment of weakness I looked at his fb and he has changed his status from single to in a relationship. Up until now I didn't know for sure but now I do. I'm hurting so much right now. I want to do something. I hate that she has done this to me, I hate her so much. Yet why do I still love her. I hate how she will do what she did to me and the last guy all over again with this new guy. I hate that she is so beautiful and that she can do this to people. I wish I could just go out and be with someone else right now but I can't. My mind is so f*cked up right now. I want to yell and scream at her and yell some more. She was my first love and now she is with another guy. It sickens me. I want to do something but I can't. I want her back so bad.
starwolf242 Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 I know exactly where you're coming from. When I knew for sure my ex was with a new girl (just days after we broke up) I was desperate to find someone to fill the void and take my mind off him and go out and party to try to make it look like I was fine without him and enjoyed being single. Typically, there was no-one about to date or go out with! And then it passed and I didn't want to be with anyone because I knew I wasn't ready and I had loads of offers. I know how much it hurts. You wonder how you're going to survive, if you'll ever find someone else, if they ever really loved you. After all how could they if they forget about you so quickly? Everything reminds you of them, everything makes you cry and you've never been so low in your life. It's a darkness that seems to engulf you and you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. The trick is take it one day at a time. I tortured myself trying to put together the pieces of my broken future when he left. Where I thought I would be in a year had suddenly been snatched away from me and I was totally lost. I didn't want to go through dating and failed relationships I just wanted to be given the person i would spend forever with and have everything handed to me. But what i realised was that if i was given everything there and then, I would find myself half way through my life and heading only towards the end of it. It may feel like you've reached the peak of your love life and that you'll never find anyone like her ever again but the fact of the matter is you will find someone better. I promise you that. I know this doesn't help but it will just take some time, probably longer than you want. NC while hard is definately the best way to make you get over the situation. I went through an FB checking phase and at first it helped when I couldn't find any evidence they were a couple and then i saw a picture of them kissing (a couple of weeks after we broke up) and I swear there was a physical pain in my heart and I couldn't breathe. I blocked him that day and ever since, things have slowly got better day by day. Block her and him from FB. On this I really hope you take my advice. Block them and force yourself not to check. Stop scrabbling to reorganise your future, don't throw yourself into a relationship out of desperation and end up possibly hurting someone else. Cut her out of your life. If it's your choice for her to not be in it, then it returns some of the power to you. It will get better and I and everyone else is here for you so vent, scream, yell on here. Slag her off, sing her praises here do whatever you want then you will find one day you have someone new to talk about. Keep your chin up. This will make you stronger. Things will get better.
Author justaguy123 Posted March 20, 2010 Author Posted March 20, 2010 (edited) I wish I knew what to do. Part of me wants to get back together with her so bad (majority) another part feels like its over and done with and I should move on but dont know how. This sounds like every single person on this forum. lol. I just want to thank you for being my sounding board. It helps a lot. Initially my friend who was the other person in my group of friends at school (three musketeers ) was my sounding board but I felt like I was pulling her into it to much and I didnt want to do that. She got really upset with my ex that she would do this to me and pretty much said what you guys are saying. That my ex has just found the "new toy" to play with and that I should move on and forget about her. Part of me doesnt want my friend to be upset with my ex but another part(majority) want her to so that I can talk to someone and bitch about her and know that I am not in the wrong and that I should be angry at her. For some reason I feel like my ex losing the friendship she has with our mutual friend would be worse than her losing me. I hate that my ex is so outgoing and friendly and attractive. She has no trouble making friends and I feel like she will over shadow the whole rest of my University Career. Edited March 20, 2010 by justaguy123
TheStranger Posted March 20, 2010 Posted March 20, 2010 Karma will come around and it'll be her turn to be left for someone who really loves her. Chin up my friend.
starwolf242 Posted March 21, 2010 Posted March 21, 2010 Justaguy, noone can ever cast a bigger shadow over your life than you can. This girl, she's a blip. I'm half way through my university career myself and my ex was kind enough to leave me just before all my assignments were due in. Needless to say I was too f***ed up to be able to complete all of them and suddenly it hit me. If this jackass isn't going to be in my life anymore he has absolutely no right to affect the rest of it. It's natural to hope you will get back together. Lord knows I hoped for the same until I met someone that made me notice all the flaws in my ex. What this new person helped me realise was that my ex was my first love, how often do you get anything perfect the first time? Just think about that. When you write an assignment, how many drafts do you do before it's ready to hand in? She was your first draft, there will be others before you find the one to settle down with. As for the friend, she has her own mind and therefore can choose or not choose which side she wants to be on. Personally, I think it would be wrong to make her hate this girl and out of order to put her in the middle of things. I understand you wanting someone to bitch to but people close to the situation are not the right people. In a state of confusion such as the one you are in, you need objective perspectives from a sounding board. This friend, may just tell you what you want to hear or she may give an honest opinion but either way she is undoubtedly biased, being the 3rd musketeer she is bound to have her own ideas about what happened/is happening. As for this girl being outgoing, friendly and attractive that's as maybe. but she obviously isnt that intelligent as she let you go. She will realise that mistake one day and The Stranger is right, karma will get her. While I don't believe you get karma for dumping someone, everyone is entitled to getting a relationship they want, i do believe you get karma for the way you treat someone post break up and from what you've said and the fact she sounds like my ex, karma will kick her ass hard.
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