struggling to cope with my childhood abuse

[sillyface]

Ok so as the title says im struggling,thru my 20,s and most of my 30's i coped really well although the physical abuse at the hands of my father did affect my relationships.But now approaching 40 I really seem to be thinking about it constantly.My sister tells me to go see someone she did and it helped her although she readily admits what i suffered was a lot worse.If im honest i dont think i could do a face to face thing with anyone.So i just bottle it up,this lead to me being a very angry person this anger now seems to be turning to depression.Ive just started a blog basically just to open up in writing about it,i guess thats better than nothing.Im just confused to be honest,i dont even know why im telling anyone this.Maybe its self threapy.Any one have any ideas or suggestions as to what i need/should do ,to try atleast to forget about what happened and move on again with my life.

[wuggle]

As you are now in your 40s and this is still affecting you, I stongly agree with your sister, this does not sound like it is going to just go away. A good counsellor can really help you make sense of this and hopefully stop your fathers problems ruining his son's life anymore.

 

Please see a counsellor, if you can write about it, you can talk about it. If you don't like the first counsellor, get another. You can find one that can help. Bottling this up does not sound like the thing to do.

 

Good luck

[sillyface]

if only it were that simple.I hate my father thats a fact,i also hate myself for not challenging him sooner as i want to challenge him now.I have seen him ,he doent know that ive seen him but i have as recently as 3 years ago ,it took an ex to stop me from challenging him or atually being physical towrds him.If i were physical towards him im guessing that makes me no better than him.Is self loathing a common side affect in abuse cases.Writing about it was hard at 1st but has become easier ,but as for talking to someone about it i honestly dont think im ready for that yet.If another victime reads this i would love theri imput into how they have coped ,if at all, or how they overcame the self loathing etc .Im embarrassed by what happened to me ,i cant open up to anyone about it ,I pride myself on what people see me to be but inside im so very different,i now know that once someone gets to know the real me i run away or push them away as fast as i can

[hoping2heal]

Hi there,

 

I have read both of your posts in this thread. i identify with many of the things you said. I have been sexually abused by a handful of people starting at a young age (infancy being the begining). For many years of my life I could not admit to anyone what happened to me. I felt so ashamed and disgusting. I thought I could never go to therapy. In my early 20's my life went on a very bad spiral. Heavy drinking, drug use. Some very poor decisions. Maybe not as poor as they could of been, but poor decisions nonetheless. I have lost track of all the times I put myself in a position that could of fatally injured myself or someone else. I was in so much pain then and the self loathing was awful. Unfortunately, even to this day I have not had that breakthrough with the anger towards my abusers completely. I still have quite a lot of feelings to work through. Although, I have come a long way. I filed a report on the living abuser I could identify - and that made me realise what happened wasn't my fault. That I'm not dirty or weak because of it.

 

One of the best things I ever did was go to counselling. I thought "there's no way in hell I would do that." FOr years I refused, but when I was litterally killing myself and making stupid decision after stupid decision - I guess there was something in me that decided enough is enough. When you find an ally it's the best thing that could possibly happen to you. It isn't shaming like you would think. In fact, realising that the feelings you have are NORMAL helps you to feel valid. Not like some kind of "freak" do you understand what I mean by that? But you realise "Oh, I am NORMAL."

 

It's a long way back to the road of stable life after being abused. However, I'm afraid if you don't decide to make a step towards that the depression is going to steal away more years of your life. The thing about abuse is..until we deal with it? It doesn't just go away with time. It just gets worse actually. That makes it difficult for many to understand. "It happened so long ago, why are you even still upset about it?" They can't quite understand how to us those wounds are still so fresh and just below the surface even after 10 , 20, 30 years and so on. This never heals and it never gets better until we make a decision to take one step in a new direction.

[sillyface]

WOW, sensible words indeed.Actually I think you have very valid points and i can identify with all you have said.Ok next step is seeing someone,so call me stupid but what do i do,go to my doctor? Do i have to tell them everything and they will advise me on someone to see?Or am i best to find someone independant ,I dont know if i want my doctor to know everything.It seems its worked for you as you seem very level headed,im asuming you were not always as sensible as you seem now to be.

 

THANKS

[hoping2heal]

WOW, sensible words indeed.Actually I think you have very valid points and i can identify with all you have said.Ok next step is seeing someone,so call me stupid but what do i do,go to my doctor? Do i have to tell them everything and they will advise me on someone to see?Or am i best to find someone independant ,I dont know if i want my doctor to know everything.It seems its worked for you as you seem very level headed,im asuming you were not always as sensible as you seem now to be.

 

THANKS

 

Hi there,

No you don't need to go to your doctor at all if you don't want too. You can call up a counselling center/therapy etc. Schedule an appt. If there is a certain specific type of therapist you want to see you can ask for that also. For example; I'd like to see someone who specializes in sexual assault, or domestic abuse, etc etc. Good luck and I'm glad I could be of use.

 

EDIT: Don't be afraid to "interview" for therapists. If you don't feel an immediate click right off the bat; try another one. You need to feel comfortable and like you can trust someone. You may not want to open up all at once, but you will know if you feel comfortable or not.

[sillyface]

I think its time to take that step.

 

Thank you again for your very wise words.