Letting it go.....at least for now

[HurtinginVA]

Well, what a rough weekend it has been. I have been giving my H a pretty hard time about my insecurities, doubts and his affair. Last night, he basically let me know that it wearing on him that we talked about it everyday for hours at a time.

 

Im pretty much feeling like I need to do everything I can short of cutting my own tongue out to make sure I dont bring it up again. Right or wrong? Maybe we have been talking it to death? I mean, how many times can he tell me that he's going to be faithfull, that he loves me, that he doesnt want to hurt me, that he's been happier the past few weeks than he's been in years?

 

It's almost like Ive come to a crossroad here in our relationship. I need to either trust him or not. Simple enough, right. (sarcastic undertone definitly implied there) I mean, you cant halfway trust someone right? So, I told him that last night. I told him that I was going to trust him ~ trust him not to hurt me again, trust him to love me, respect me, care for me etc.... I hope that was the right thing for me to do.

 

He says that before his affair, he had been feeling "over it" for almost 2 years. That those feelings arent going to just go away ~ it will take time ~ but that when I keep bringing up painful memories and what not, it makes that feeling stronger. Ive been very suspicious lately, and he's been understanding, saying that he will do whatever it takes to earn my trust back. Ive openly gone through his emails, cell phone, wallet etc....Maybe I am giving him too much of a hard time? Maybe I should just sit back, let time go by, and see what happens? What do you guys think?

 

I mean, he wouldnt be here, if he didnt want to be right?? He could always leave, but he hasnt. Some of you might think I need not be so understanding and complacent but I guess my views on our relationship are a little different than the "norm".

 

Guess Im just looking for opinions/feedback whatever you want to call it. Please, no giving me a hard time about being so forgiving. I dont want to drive him away by being overly suspicious ~ Thanks!

[bark]

He says that before his affair, he had been feeling "over it" for almost 2 years. That those feelings arent going to just go away ~ it will take time ~ but that when I keep bringing up painful memories and what not, it makes that feeling stronger.

 

Maybe we have been talking it to death? I mean, how many times can he tell me that he's going to be faithfull, that he loves me, that he doesnt want to hurt me, that he's been happier the past few weeks than he's been in years?

 

Men are simple creatures, Hurting. Frequently, although not always, what you see is what you get. Men also are not big on talk either as solution or as catharsis.

 

I believe your husband when he tells you that he has felt estranged from you and his marriage, that he now loves you , that he's now very happy, that he intends to be faithful and that , if you persist in talking his affair to death, he just might bolt.

 

These feelings are not contradictory. Sometimes men actually are from Mars, and women are from Venus.

 

I recommend the pragmatic approach: watch him like a hawk (in a non-obvious manner), stop bringing up anything related to the affair, continue showing each other affection and work the family angle in a positive, non-threatening way. Let time heal these rifts, which I believe is happening.

 

If you need support, I recommend friends, family or professional counseling.

 

Sometimes, especially with men, the oblique, non-verbal indirect approach is better than the Springer -like , emotionally wearying confrontations from the heart.

 

If you can, save those conversations for a counselor in one-on-one sessions.

[Kriz]

I don't think you should just 'sit back and relax'. I don't know the entire story, but an affair always scars a relationship. Looks like he wants to work on it though. No need to pour salt in the wound. What he did was wrong and I understand you can't let it go that easy, but I believe you should be 'checking on him' in a less overt, more subtle way.

 

If you keep this up, I think he might leave you not because of an other women or lack of love for you, but because the feeling of guilt which he probably already feels is unintentionally enforced by your behaviour.

 

Forgetting may be hard, try forgiving first.

[Kriz]

Lol. Barks reply met mine in mid-cyber-air. A salute to my fellow martian.