A Year Later

[samprez]

A year can go by either quickly or slowly depending on your point of view. For me, it's been a year since I had any contact with my married other woman. I of course am married too; and during the height of my hubris, I was a selfish and damaging person who put at risk not only my marriage, but my career and my families lifestyle as well. I have been at the lowest of lows during that time; attending both IC and MC at the same time, and I have been angry, sad, scared and humbled. I am more lucky than smart and I am damaged.

 

The damage was totally self inflicted. I have noone to blame but myself, and I've taken this result as part of my punishment for my behavior. I have hurt the woman I love more than I could have imagined, and I still see it in her eyes. I carry the burden of having forever tarnished my integrity and my moral standing and I understand that I will never again be whole in the way I was.

 

My wife deserves so much credit. Without her hard work, nothing I would have done or am doing would matter much. It was in her hands on what to do with our marriage; all I could do was the work necessary to manage myself through this. Focus on her. Focus on work. Focus on my children. That's what I did. Again, more lucky than smart.

 

I have thought of the other woman. Anger permeates my thoughts. I had carried for sometime the guilt of not only hurting my family, but hers as well. It took some time for me to realize and associate that responsibility of our affair to shared status. She lied to her husband, I to my wife. She manipulated her children. I mislead mine. No more, no less. She is as guilty as I. Funny how much of this I carried alone, until my IC helped me knock her off of the pedestal. Amazing how much of this I shouldered. I'm not absconding my role in this, but I can't own more than my fair share. That's the reality.

 

When I recall the anxiety that was associated with maintaining the affair relationship; which I didn't realize while it was happening, I can't believe I was able to function at all. Perhaps I really wasn't functioning. The effort to deceive my family; to maintain this relationship was draining and time consuming. It was mean and unfair. It was simply wrong. It yielded no result. It was a failure of my life. No end game. Nothing remembered is decent or good. It's all littered with guilt.

 

Today, I am free of the burdens of this except for the trap of being tied to this act for the rest of my life. I once saw someone post out here that they had regained their integrity once the affair ended. Not for me, the integrity that had operated at 100% for my married life will never replenish itself to that level. I am an adulterer and have violated my vows. I can work to repair and refocus, but that history doesn't get wiped away. It remains.

 

The result of my affair. Damaged self ID. Hurt family with a reduced level of trust. Association with a moral deficiency that is what it is, it happened. An association with a woman (OW) who holds with her the reality of our relationship; with whom I'll never speak to again, but with whom I share a dark moment in my life. The shame I walk around with within myself and the haunting dreams of what a year ago this week was like for me and my family.

 

This site is not to judge but to offer insight. In reality, I'm not sure what good comes from infidelity. I am lucky to be married to my wife. It was a smart decision some years ago, but our ongoing happiness is the result of her stength and forgiveness; all I've done is dent an otherwise strong bond.

 

If you are in an affair. Think. The stories I read here this week are the same as I read a year ago. The names change, but the charateristics are the same. Happiness is not one of the results of this behavior. I will never be "myself" again. That is the price you might pay for havng an affair.

[NoIDidn't]

Hi Samprez. Thanks for the update. I hope things continue or start to get better for you. You will get pass the regrets. You will find joy again in the life you have chosen.

 

Much of your post could have been written by my H. He tried to carry the burden of it all too. Funny how anger is the first feeling many WSs feel when they think of how the OP made them feel responsible for their own choices in being in the A as well. You didn't make them lie to their families. They did that all on their own, out of their own selfish motivations.

 

My H also could have written the part about being surprised that he functioned at all during the A. When he looked back on his numbers and performance, it was actually the lowest point of his career. He could have lost his job in his delusional state. But you guys aren't alone. I still look back at the aftermath of his A and wonder how I made it. I have never been more heartbroken in my life - and I've had some pretty horrible experiences. But I made it. I know I don't have it in me to do it again, though.

 

Keep looking up. I think things are going to get better for you.

[2sure]

Hey, I want you to know, that I personally , as I BS really appreciate what you wrote and that you took the time to do it.

 

I also am thinking that at some point ...as part of the process of recovering a marriage, the WS has to somehow take the lesson forward always but someday forgive themselves as well.

[NoIDidn't]

I also am thinking that at some point ...as part of the process of recovering a marriage, the WS has to somehow take the lesson forward always but someday forgive themselves as well.

 

I agree. I had to push this thought on my H when he came to the point of realizing what he had done. The horse was already out of the barn. I had already forgiven him. I was not about to put up with more self-loathing on his part. He needed to forgive himself if he was really going to play a part in recovering our marriage. I've seen more than one marriage where the WS was forgiven by the BS for the affair, but still divorced because the WS was never able to forgive themselves and truly engage in recovering the marriage.

 

Forgiving yourself is part of recovery. It has to be, or it just re-creates the situation that could lead to the unhappiness that led to the affair to begin with, IMO.

[califnan]

Yes, Forgiveness is Everything.. Think about if your life would have taken a different turn, and you would have married the OW or married another - You would have Never been given the opportunity to make it up to your wife .. You Two Deserve a Romantic trip ..

[bentnotbroken]

You are not entitled to hold unforgiveness against someone who has repented and been forgiven of their acts...that includes yourself.

[Snowflower]

I remember you from last year! Thank you for what you wrote--from a BS point of view it was refreshing and helpful to read. I truly appreciate your honesty. Like you mention, I think my H battles many inner demons because of his choice to have an A. Some of this he shares with me and some of it he does not. I think it is so painful and he is so deeply ashamed that it is hard for him to express some of what he feels.

 

But, take some solace in the fact that you have a conscience; that you feel so badly for what you have done. These are the marks of a good person, samprez. We all fail at things in this life-- but it is how you pick yourself and go forward that is the real indicator of who you are. You are not solely defined now by the poor choice that you made.

 

I agree with the other posters here who say you need to forgive yourself. I know that is easier said than done. Maybe you are not ready to forgive yourself--but please know that you will have to eventually do this--for yourself, for your wife, and for your marriage. Have you talked to someone about forgiveness/forgiving yourself, such as clergy or a counselor?

 

I know what you mean when you say it will never go away, that it feels like it will always define you. From a BS viewpoint, let me just say this...I could walk around and carry the 'BS' victim role from now on. I can rationalize it as, 'hey I didn't deserve what my H did to me (which I didn't),' OR 'I did nothing that horribly wrong.' (again, I did not). However, I had the experience handed to me--a horrible experience of pain, betrayal, confusion, a constant questioning. I had to learn to deal with it, grow from it--try to do something positive with it. I try to help others--I was always a compassionate person but now even more so. I have a deep empathy for the pain of others. I try to help--kind of like I am trying to do here for you, samprez.

 

So, as a first step toward forgiving yourself, does it make sense for you to try/continue to be the best husband, father (if you have children), brother, son, friend, employee, etc. that you can be? Reach out to others, try to help them as they struggle with life's difficulties? Take something from the pain you caused/experienced and use that knowledge you gained so painfully to help someone else?

 

Best of luck to you!

Edited March 15, 2010 by Snowflower

[Spark1111]

Samprez, I so hope you forgive yourself one day. You need to not only own your choices, but to learn and grow from the consequences as well.

 

You have the rest of your life to be an honorable man to your wife and children. It is the role you must own NOW if you want this to work and you can do it! It is what THEY need you to be now.

 

And part of that process, being the most respectful father and spouse you can be, cannot be laced with self-pity and shame. It impedes the process.

 

You sound down today, and that is a normal part of the process too. But you have a lot to do to help heal those around you, so do not self-denigrate for too long or too often.

 

Peace to you and your family.

[kevinconner]

Rent the move "The Reader"

 

This will open your eyes to the power of forgiveness. Seriously.

[Hazyhead]

Rent the move "The Reader"

 

This will open your eyes to the power of forgiveness. Seriously.

 

The book is also good.

[samprez]

Thanks all for the words of support. Ultimately this is something that we all have to work through on our own, and frankly the depth of the frustration and disappointment and anger (aimed at myself) is deep and the process of getting to forgiveness is hard. I think it's part of the punishment.

 

Having said that, exactly a year later, and I found her lurking on a website of mine this week. UGH. It actually makes me very angry. In the year, I have NEVER looked at a single thing of hers. Who would want to? As I was trying to explain earlier, when you engage in this choice of behavior, the unraveling of the mess is a long and winding road and the pitfalls are what they are.

 

Your words have been well received.

 

Thanks

[John Who]

This is great,I do not know you but I can relate to everything you wrote,only my M ended my W divorced me.

 

I too went through the anger,when I see my XW I see the hurt I caused her,and this is the women I loved and still love more than anything.

 

I also consider my A the lowest point in my life,when I think back about how I was,how it was I get disgusted.

 

Do you think after 1 year your W trust you or is atleast starting to trust you?

[silktricks]

One year probably felt like forever to you, and to your wife, but it's early days yet. One day you'll look at your wife and realize that she's no longer in pain, that she's OK again - maybe even better than OK.

 

She'll be just as glad as you that your marriage survived and even thrived after it had been almost in its death-throes. She'll look at you and not see someone who hurt her, but rather her best friend and lover, the father of her children, the man she fell in love with once, and then fell in love with all over again. She'll feel lucky that she has you, and you in turn will see that in her eyes.

 

Yes, you committed adultery. Yes, you hurt her and yourself and your marriage. Yes, you betrayed her, your marriage and yourself. But you are no longer that person. You have been given a chance to redeem the mistakes you made. Don't spend the rest of your life on self-loathing. As everyone else here has said, you need to forgive yourself, too.

 

Everything is not your fault. Some things are. You have already learned that - and that's a good thing. Never forget that a marriage can be great - even after it's taken a real beating - but it does take continual feeding. So, keep open the communication and never forget to tell your wife how much you love her.

[turnstone]

You are not entitled to hold unforgiveness against someone who has repented and been forgiven of their acts...that includes yourself.

 

What?

 

For starters nobody has the right to forgive my ex H apart from myself. Secondly, of course I have the entitlement to not forgive him for as long as I wish.

[MadMission]

Having said that, exactly a year later, and I found her lurking on a website of mine this week. UGH. It actually makes me very angry. In the year, I have NEVER looked at a single thing of hers. Who would want to? As I was trying to explain earlier, when you engage in this choice of behavior, the unraveling of the mess is a long and winding road and the pitfalls are what they are.

 

Infidelity changes everything.

She probably would have said the same thing about you prior to d-day "Who would want to?" (look at a single thing of yours.) But, as you have acknowledged, things are very different now.

 

Do not confuse your W's strength and willingness to R...with her ability to 'forget.'

 

Hang in there.

[anne1707]

Samprez

 

As a former WS, I can totally relate to what you have posted. It will be 2 years this Summer since dday and to be honest I can only say that it is in the past few months that I do not feel that guilt you describe. I may have my moments when I do if I think back to that time but on the whole, it is remorse that I now feel (which I think is healthy).

 

As for my H - he has been a tower of strength and dignity. He never gave up on me and has never blamed me. Whilst I had the affair, he sees that we both contributed to the problems in our marriage leading up to that time. We now have a stronger and happier marriage than we have had for years because we had to face rock bottom and dealt with it together. It sounds like you and your wife are making this progress too.

[samprez]

Not sure I understand. By "her" I meant my x AP.

The words out here have helped. It's my fault I'm in this situation and I'll fight through this. Forgiveness is hard when you are the one that caused the pain. My guilt in regards to "her" husband has been building too. Wow what great fun these affairs are.

[samprez]

Insight welcome. I mentioned in this thread that "she" hit one of my web sites about 2 weeks ago. She did it again this weekend. This upsets me as I have had zero contact with her including having never looked at anything of hers since we parted ways last year. I feel pissed. Am I wrong? Is this breaking nc?

I feel it is. I have eliminated her everywhere I could online. Btw to visit this page one has to be deliberate.

[Spark1111]

Insight welcome. I mentioned in this thread that "she" hit one of my web sites about 2 weeks ago. She did it again this weekend. This upsets me as I have had zero contact with her including having never looked at anything of hers since we parted ways last year. I feel pissed. Am I wrong? Is this breaking nc?

I feel it is. I have eliminated her everywhere I could online. Btw to visit this page one has to be deliberate.

 

Samprez, I am living proof that the OW STILL wonders what if in regards to her relationship with my spouse. The romantic drama lives on her mind, because affair partners only return to their spouse for familial obligations, dontchaknow?

 

She is dating now and maybe it just isn't as exciting for her. I pray to God he is not married also. She made a real effort to start it up again with him by breaking nc.

 

Some people learn and grow through life; they introspect, make decisions and own their choices, both the good ones and the bad ones.

 

Yes, she could be deliberately trying to ascertain how happy you are in your reconciliation. I think you ARE happy, very HAPPY, your wife has given you a second chance.

 

In my own sitch, there have been hang-up calls from private numbers at both work and cell, and his cell, and so on and so on and we personally could not care less.

 

So what difference does it make if you are being observed? You only tell the truth about your feelings. You have nothing to hide.

 

You should not care if she has to keep the affair drama alive in her world. You have successfully moved on, IMHO.

[hopeless4u]

Insight welcome. I mentioned in this thread that "she" hit one of my web sites about 2 weeks ago. She did it again this weekend. This upsets me as I have had zero contact with her including having never looked at anything of hers since we parted ways last year. I feel pissed. Am I wrong? Is this breaking nc?

I feel it is. I have eliminated her everywhere I could online. Btw to visit this page one has to be deliberate.

I'm not sure you'll want to hear this from an xow(single) to a mm and I'm not sure how things ended with you but all I can say is the pain for the ow is also unbearable and although we've been nc for a month, his w took an od and he cut me off after a 2yr affair it still hurts like hell and not a day has gone by that I've not cried and I still think about him 24/7.

[Snowflower]

Insight welcome. I mentioned in this thread that "she" hit one of my web sites about 2 weeks ago. She did it again this weekend. This upsets me as I have had zero contact with her including having never looked at anything of hers since we parted ways last year. I feel pissed. Am I wrong? Is this breaking nc?

I feel it is. I have eliminated her everywhere I could online. Btw to visit this page one has to be deliberate.

 

No one except your xMW can answer as to why she is visiting your website.

 

But why does it even faze you that she is visiting your website? You mention that it made you angry, but why? It isn't like she is knocking on your front door or anything.

 

I think you need to spend some time figuring out why this is bothering you.

 

I wouldn't give her visits to your website another thought. I agree with the other poster who said that you appear to be very happy that your wife gave you another chance. Enjoy your marriage, your wife, your family and leave the past where it belongs.

[samprez]

Thanks all for the feedback. Snow, I'm pissed because I'm human. I have worked hard to maintain nc. We have a lot of common friends whom I've backed off from to maintain distance. We agreed to nc and I've bent over backwards to make it happen. Hard work. Btw this wasn't me looking up ip adresses. This site stamps visitors so I was able to see in front of me her name. She encroached my space. It's disrespectful to me, my wife and her h. Too much hardwork goes into getting your family back. I want her nowhere near me.

[Samantha0905]

Thanks all for the words of support. Ultimately this is something that we all have to work through on our own, and frankly the depth of the frustration and disappointment and anger (aimed at myself) is deep and the process of getting to forgiveness is hard. I think it's part of the punishment.

 

Having said that, exactly a year later, and I found her lurking on a website of mine this week. UGH. It actually makes me very angry. In the year, I have NEVER looked at a single thing of hers. Who would want to? As I was trying to explain earlier, when you engage in this choice of behavior, the unraveling of the mess is a long and winding road and the pitfalls are what they are.

 

Your words have been well received.

 

Thanks

 

Maybe she is angry also samprez. Stop being so myopic. Maybe she would want to. Just because you're "there" after having had a physical, romantic relationship with her -- doesn't mean she's in the same place. So, you don't want any more contact with her? Fine. Don't have it. But don't degrade her. Is that your way of punishing her? Your way of proving to your BS you were wrong? Prove that by talking about yourself. You shared something with your XAP even if it wasn't something that touched your very being -- even though you probably told her it did at the time. You crossed that line, so don't look down on her. I'm a WS like you -- but it bothers me you can downgrade her "choice of behavior." You participated in the behavior also.

 

If you have a website she's "lurking" on and it bothers you so much -- leave it.

 

Insight welcome. I mentioned in this thread that "she" hit one of my web sites about 2 weeks ago. She did it again this weekend. This upsets me as I have had zero contact with her including having never looked at anything of hers since we parted ways last year. I feel pissed. Am I wrong? Is this breaking nc?

I feel it is. I have eliminated her everywhere I could online. Btw to visit this page one has to be deliberate.

 

Well good for you. She's not there yet. You can't "eliminate" someone from their own choices. You can make the decision for yourself. She's choosing to visit for whatever reason. Hope she wises up soon. Think back to the times when you were gracious to her. She's a person -- just like you and your wife. I respect your acknowledgement -- in your case -- you made a mistake and want to work on your marriage. Well, just because you come to this decision doesn't mean it won't take time for her to move on. Respect her time and stop degrading her to make yourself feel like you are a better husband to your wife. Don't use her to regain respect with your wife. And don't expect your decision to "eliminate" her makes everyone else think you are admirable in the situation.

 

I'm not sure you'll want to hear this from an xow(single) to a mm and I'm not sure how things ended with you but all I can say is the pain for the ow is also unbearable and although we've been nc for a month, his w took an od and he cut me off after a 2yr affair it still hurts like hell and not a day has gone by that I've not cried and I still think about him 24/7.

 

I'm sorry hopeless. *hug* And thank you for speaking up for someone on the other side of the equation.

 

Thanks all for the feedback. Snow, I'm pissed because I'm human. I have worked hard to maintain nc. We have a lot of common friends whom I've backed off from to maintain distance. We agreed to nc and I've bent over backwards to make it happen. Hard work. Btw this wasn't me looking up ip adresses. This site stamps visitors so I was able to see in front of me her name. She encroached my space. It's disrespectful to me, my wife and her h. Too much hardwork goes into getting your family back. I want her nowhere near me.

 

Well, then get off the site. It can't be that important. So -- you've listed it's disrespectful to you, your wife and her husband (OMG -- the her husband part bothers me the most -- you weren't convincing her you were so worried about her husband when you were making love to her!!!) -- well, stop being so disrespectful to her. What? Do you need to berate her here to make yourself feel better? You spent time making love to her -- so give her the least little bit of a break. And now you've come to know what is best -- well wonderful. Now you are a champion of your marriage and her husband and you are berating her. WTH? Just move on with your marriage -- and don't even say crap about her husband -- and stop complaining about her offenses again you -- visiting a public website. Wow Wee.

[samprez]

Please read my back story before ripping me like that. I have been very direct out here. This was EA so don't assume. The site is designed for biz and I have been using it for years as a biz tool. I have done a ton of things to protect my family after my choices. Yes, my choices. The one thing people can do after they have messed up is show some level of respect. There are details that have me very upset with her. I have never not owned my decision. At this point a year later I can show her h some respect by leaving him and his family alone. What else can I do?

 

My wife deserves same.

 

I don't mind being criticized but please understand my situation.

[Samantha0905]

Please read my back story before ripping me like that. I have been very direct out here. This was EA so don't assume. The site is designed for biz and I have been using it for years as a biz tool. I have done a ton of things to protect my family after my choices. Yes, my choices. The one thing people can do after they have messed up is show some level of respect. There are details that have me very upset with her. I have never not owned my decision. At this point a year later I can show her h some respect by leaving him and his family alone. What else can I do?

 

My wife deserves same.

 

I don't mind being criticized but please understand my situation.

 

All of that was over an EA?

 

Show her some respect perhaps?