For the wives

[1Angel]

I'm going with Nicole11's comments about wives as total lies she's been told by a MM who probably abuses his wife then spins a new different story to her. Your other points, N11 I have no problem with, but really you come across as a pot stirrer or someone who got her feelings hurt and lashing out on a message board.

[sally4sara]

This is my First and LAST affair.. I am completely comfortable with my aging self thank you! I wasn't putting down suburban wives.. I was once married and had children.. believe me, I let myself go at one time..I was running after his kids and cleaning his house.

 

I know my MM is full of S**t. He had his fun.. I learned my lesson..

 

I'm just pointing out that drawing assumptions from the words of a known liar is partially done out of a want to believe. Be careful were you aim that microscope, it can be swung back your way.

[donnamaybe]

He comes to me to escape the drudgery of his boring suburban life...

And what does his WIFE get to do to escape the drudgery of HER boring suburban life with a cheating POS?

[donnamaybe]

You are right..He told me exactly what I wanted to hear!. And I lapped it up!. She has to deal with him and raise his kids.. I'm sure she is a wonderful person. I having NC with him now.. I'm sure he will have another A, and feed her the same lines..

 

If you really feel this way, then why would you back Nicole when she blames the W for her H's cheating?

[donnamaybe]

Donna..she doesn't escape.. he's never even taken her on vacation...She is probably more unhappy than he is!!!

 

And if he HAD taken her on vacation and shown her some love and attention, perhaps she would have been more inclined to feel sexy and wanted, thus remain so.

[Hazyhead]

You know, it kind of makes me sad when I read these kinds of threads. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to smoothe anything over unrealistically, I think there will always be a strain between BSs and OPs, but is this kind of blame swinging helpful at all? Maybe, short-term it can help us feel better about ourselves to think ourselves superior to the other, but in reality, I think affairs are very rarely about that.

 

I think we should be looking at ourselves and (especially, even) the WS.

[Spark1111]

HH, I agree. But I do not think we should discount how empowering an affair CAN be for some people who generally feel inferior. Now they feel loved, cherished and superior to whom?....

 

The BS who does not know they even exist, or the AP that believes all the lies as told by the WS that allow her to conclude she is so superior to the wife at home.....

 

Stella, I could write the affair script after reading at love shack for the last year and a half. And your MM's lines to you regarding his wife? Part of the script....

 

Yes, this too is a type of affair dynamic.

[Snowflower]

You know, it kind of makes me sad when I read these kinds of threads. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to smoothe anything over unrealistically, I think there will always be a strain between BSs and OPs, but is this kind of blame swinging helpful at all? Maybe, short-term it can help us feel better about ourselves to think ourselves superior to the other, but in reality, I think affairs are very rarely about that.

 

I think we should be looking at ourselves and (especially, even) the WS.

 

Well said!

 

I think the OP is an OW looking to stir the pot, despite her assertions to the contrary. Otherwise, why would she care so much about the affair dynamic if she wasn't involved in it herself?

 

Maybe this thread could be instead be used as a way to understand each person in the dynamic instead of the regular blaming and bashing.

[Hazyhead]

HH, I agree. But I do not think we should discount how empowering an affair CAN be for some people who generally feel inferior. Now they feel loved, cherished and superior to whom?....

 

The BS who does not know they even exist, or the AP that believes all the lies as told by the WS that allow her to conclude she is so superior to the wife at home.....

 

I see your point Spark - I just think it's sad in the first place that one might feel a need to do that. I know coming from it as the OP that might sound hypocritical or insincere but reading threads on LS and seeing the pain that both sides go through, it's just such a shame. Which the whole damn thing is, I suppose. Meh... I guess I'm a little 'glass half empty' today.

[pureinheart]

I don't think thread jack will be an issue here, I hope noone minds if I vent...actually it might be on the same lines as the thread.

 

I am not in an A, nor have a H or BF, although have been through hell and back and my appearance shows this, it does bother me...for me. I care what other people think appearance wise, although obviously not enough to do something about it (FTR this has nothing to do with hygiene), yet.

 

I have a thing called Trichotillomania something (this is not the correct spelling)...it's a nervous habit that occured after my stepdad began to make sexual advances at me at the age of 16...in essence what this is is I twist my hair until it loosens from the folicle and eventually falls out. Also the hair that remains has a curled look to it. About a year and half ago when the stress was very intense I went to town on my hair. It is growing back now, but it is at different lengths and some is curled.

 

After everything I am just burned out and have not been eating right and have put on weight and haven't exercised mostlikely due to depression and pain.

 

At my age, I can't afford to play games ...this is my health. I am trying to do things to get my act together, trying to accomplish tasks, although it seems overwhelming. Sure, I am "miss fix it"...but I'm tired of asking people for help (and only do it when it is absolutely necessary), and tired of doing all this stuff on my own.

 

I know I need to suck it up and just take care of business....thanks for allowing me the opportunity to vent

[Hazyhead]

It is a script!! I honestly thought I was special...never superior.. i have read my story here on LS.. I'm no different than any other woman involved with a MM. To be honest.. I was jealous of my MM's W..She had him all to herself.. now I'm thinking.. she can have him.. I deserve better...

 

Good for you Stella, you do deserve better. But, sad for her because she does too.

[torranceshipman]

Nicole, I feel bad for you. Clearly you are the OW, not your 'friends', and you clearly feel the MM prefers you because you are prettier and you think the W has let herself go. You really don't get it - being pretty so that he wants to have sex with you isn't winning a game, putting one over on the W, or any proof that he prefers you to his W or anyone else. It just means he is enjoying a fling with a pretty girl. Now his W...he married her, he loves her, and I doubt he'll ever leave her, no matter what lies he tells you.

[Fallen Angel]

Well said!

 

I think the OP is an OW looking to stir the pot, despite her assertions to the contrary. Otherwise, why would she care so much about the affair dynamic if she wasn't involved in it herself?

 

Maybe this thread could be instead be used as a way to understand each person in the dynamic instead of the regular blaming and bashing.

 

The OP asserts she is NOT an OW. Perhaps she is just stirring the pot, but why would you call her an OW. I think that labeling her as such is rude to those OW like myself who do not agree with her at all.

 

She just as easily could be a BW wanting to stir the pot and see a good "cat fight" get started on the threads. After all there are as many BW as OW who like to "stir the pot".

 

My guess however is that she is what she says, neither OW or BW but simply someone who has no real life experience and so knows not of what she speaks.

[Canuck1979]

Why do OWs and BWs feel superior to each other because MM/H chose them? What a prize.

[Fallen Angel]

Why do OWs and BWs feel superior to each other because MM/H chose them? What a prize.

 

Simple, because he is someone that each of them love.

[fooled once]

The OP asserts she is NOT an OW. Perhaps she is just stirring the pot, but why would you call her an OW. I think that labeling her as such is rude to those OW like myself who do not agree with her at all.

 

She just as easily could be a BW wanting to stir the pot and see a good "cat fight" get started on the threads. After all there are as many BW as OW who like to "stir the pot".

 

My guess however is that she is what she says, neither OW or BW but simply someone who has no real life experience and so knows not of what she speaks.

 

FA - I took her as a OW too because of how badly she put down the wife and how she said "OW get hurt too" .... almost as if people should feel sorry for the OW who gets hurt, and not the unsuspecting wife.

 

NOW before you get on me I know OW get hurt too -- but I truly believe that they don't have the time, years, kids, history and planned future that the wife has had with the guy.

 

They are the ones who also said vows with the guy and so I think when an unsuspecting wife finds out that her pig of a husband has been cheating, her entire world is rocked, where as the OW knows of the marriage, knows of the wife and takes the risk anyway. She is aware of the risk she is taking, where as the wife isn't aware of what her husband is doing.

[Canuck1979]

Simple, because he is someone that each of them love.

 

I'm not referring to one particular situation, I'm generalizing.

[Canuck1979]

FA - I took her as a OW too because of how badly she put down the wife and how she said "OW get hurt too" .... almost as if people should feel sorry for the OW who gets hurt, and not the unsuspecting wife.

 

NOW before you get on me I know OW get hurt too -- but I truly believe that they don't have the time, years, kids, history and planned future that the wife has had with the guy.

 

They are the ones who also said vows with the guy and so I think when an unsuspecting wife finds out that her pig of a husband has been cheating, her entire world is rocked, where as the OW knows of the marriage, knows of the wife and takes the risk anyway. She is aware of the risk she is taking, where as the wife isn't aware of what her husband is doing.

 

I totally agree. The wife is totally blind-sided.

[Fallen Angel]

FA - I took her as a OW too because of how badly she put down the wife and how she said "OW get hurt too" .... almost as if people should feel sorry for the OW who gets hurt, and not the unsuspecting wife.

 

NOW before you get on me I know OW get hurt too -- but I truly believe that they don't have the time, years, kids, history and planned future that the wife has had with the guy.

 

They are the ones who also said vows with the guy and so I think when an unsuspecting wife finds out that her pig of a husband has been cheating, her entire world is rocked, where as the OW knows of the marriage, knows of the wife and takes the risk anyway. She is aware of the risk she is taking, where as the wife isn't aware of what her husband is doing.

 

That is not always the case, as we both know. My case is just one in which I didn't know the risk, and she is aware. *shrug* Not every affair relationship is cut from the same cookie cutter.

 

I stand by what I say though, assuming that she is an OW is out of line. She claims that she is not. Making assumptions (and voicing them) like that is part of what pulls us apart and gives the pot stirreres exactly what they want, a mixed up pot ready to boil over. Are we really going to hand a stranger the spoon and allow all the hard work everyone on this board has done in trying to treat each other with respect and civility to be thrown out the window because we want to label one persons misguided post?

[Fallen Angel]

I'm not referring to one particular situation, I'm generalizing.

 

As was I.

[fooled once]

That is not always the case, as we both know. My case is just one in which I didn't know the risk, and she is aware. *shrug* Not every affair relationship is cut from the same cookie cutter.

 

I stand by what I say though, assuming that she is an OW is out of line. She claims that she is not. Making assumptions (and voicing them) like that is part of what pulls us apart and gives the pot stirreres exactly what they want, a mixed up pot ready to boil over. Are we really going to hand a stranger the spoon and allow all the hard work everyone on this board has done in trying to treat each other with respect and civility to be thrown out the window because we want to label one persons misguided post?

 

 

Never mind. I never said it is always the case. *sigh*

[Snowflower]

The OP asserts she is NOT an OW. Perhaps she is just stirring the pot, but why would you call her an OW. I think that labeling her as such is rude to those OW like myself who do not agree with her at all.

 

She just as easily could be a BW wanting to stir the pot and see a good "cat fight" get started on the threads. After all there are as many BW as OW who like to "stir the pot".

 

My guess however is that she is what she says, neither OW or BW but simply someone who has no real life experience and so knows not of what she speaks.

 

I'm just calling it like I see it--and I was not the only one on this thread who questioned if the OP was an OW. I'm not intending for it to be an insult--it could have been a BS who posted that OP and it would have been just as rude.

 

Like I said, why does she care so much about what these male co-workers who are having affairs are doing if she is not somehow involved?

[Fallen Angel]

 

Never mind. I never said it is always the case. *sigh*

 

FO,

 

You know I adore you. I do not have to always agree with you to like you.

 

You have a valid point in that many BS are blind-sided by revelation of an affair.

 

But I think that we are getting stuck in exactly the muck that the OP intended to stir, if that was the original intent of this post, by taking sides. (BW, {please do not take offense} rOW and rWS vs OW) This original post is out of line, and I think if you read through it, it is people on ALL sides of the triangle who have told OP her post is full of falsehoods, so I see no need to label her as anything other than uninformed pot-stirrer.

[crazycatlady]

I don't think thread jack will be an issue here, I hope noone minds if I vent...actually it might be on the same lines as the thread.

 

I am not in an A, nor have a H or BF, although have been through hell and back and my appearance shows this, it does bother me...for me. I care what other people think appearance wise, although obviously not enough to do something about it (FTR this has nothing to do with hygiene), yet.

 

I have a thing called Trichotillomania something (this is not the correct spelling)...it's a nervous habit that occured after my stepdad began to make sexual advances at me at the age of 16...in essence what this is is I twist my hair until it loosens from the folicle and eventually falls out. Also the hair that remains has a curled look to it. About a year and half ago when the stress was very intense I went to town on my hair. It is growing back now, but it is at different lengths and some is curled.

 

After everything I am just burned out and have not been eating right and have put on weight and haven't exercised mostlikely due to depression and pain.

 

At my age, I can't afford to play games ...this is my health. I am trying to do things to get my act together, trying to accomplish tasks, although it seems overwhelming. Sure, I am "miss fix it"...but I'm tired of asking people for help (and only do it when it is absolutely necessary), and tired of doing all this stuff on my own.

 

I know I need to suck it up and just take care of business....thanks for allowing me the opportunity to vent

 

Pure - many many hugs. that is very tough. And interesting. I know my son will do the same thing to his hair when he's feeling stressed and overwhelmed. He has a rat tail just for that purpose (it beats his old nervous habit of rubbing his nipples by a long shot lol) but he twirls it around his fingers and pulls at it. I just figured it was a mild nervous habit due to stress but helped him, now i wonder if this is something i should worry about. Totally sorry for the thread jack.

 

CCL

[Got it]

I do not think I am any prettier than sMM's wife. Nor do I think I am ay funnier, better, anything than she is. We are two totally different people with our own strengths and weaknesses.

 

MM/MW do not leave for other people. They leave ( or don't leave) for themselves.

 

I am an OW but don't agree with the original poster. While some of those things may contribute to someone's sexual interest in another both parties are equally responsible for the state of the marriage. You are putting too much responsibility on the woman.