Lack Of Communication In LDR Getting Me Down

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

My boyfriend has not been in contact for 4 days, without any warning.

 

We are USA/UK LDR, to complicate things further he is also in the military.

 

He has been at army school for the last 2 weeks or so and will be for another 4 weeks, the internet there is very slow and Yahoo chat has not allowed us to have proper conversations as half of the text doesn't get sent which was so frustrating, this happened really badly on Thursday and ended with him saying he would write me an email instead. No email has been sent and not a word since Thursday at all which I think is unacceptable because he should find another means of contacting me at least to let me know when I will next hear from him as even now I have no idea when we will next get to talk online. I feel hes taking the piss a little and not bothered enough about us speaking to me.

 

Am I over reacting or quite right?

[OnlyJake]

Based on my experience with guys in the military (family and other men) you're overreacting. He really might not be able to contact you in any way right now.

 

Is this typical of him, or is him dropping off the grid (before military school) the norm? Is that why this is an issue for you right now?

 

That said, the only guy who ever broke my heart was in the military, and was deployed shortly after 9/11, and we had to deal with this communication issue. I know how hard it can be.

[EricaH329]

If he is not deployed on a tour, then I think it is unacceptable.

 

My ex is in the military also. He is stationed overseas, and he tried to pull that same crap. Granted, my ex is a huge jerk. But being in an LDR requires communication. If there is none, then there is no relationship. I could understand if he was in Afghanistan fighting the war, but he's not. And because he's not, there should be some form of communication.

[OnlyJake]

I don't know anything about the military in the UK. If it's anything like boot camp in the US, I stand by what I said.

 

If it's more like attending West Point, that may be the case, but I would be more doubtful.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Based on my experience with guys in the military (family and other men) you're overreacting. He really might not be able to contact you in any way right now.

 

Is this typical of him, or is him dropping off the grid (before military school) the norm? Is that why this is an issue for you right now?

 

That said, the only guy who ever broke my heart was in the military, and was deployed shortly after 9/11, and we had to deal with this communication issue. I know how hard it can be.

 

Hey thanks for replying, nice to hear from someone who understands. The thing is - he's only at army school right now, therefore should be able to find an alternative way to contact me if he has no email, surely?

 

He has usually managed to keep contact daily or at least every other day whilst away at army school, just not this time as internet where they are is too slow to run Yahoo chat.

 

Its just upsetting when he promises to be online and then doesn't appear and I feel like a fool waiting, or saying that the IM is slow so he will email, then not emailing.

 

My friend said he is taking me for a fool and that I should keep my eyes open for other men if this carries on, advice like that does nothing for my confidence. She thinks in this situation I am taking crap by putting up with non communication.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

If he is not deployed on a tour, then I think it is unacceptable.

 

My ex is in the military also. He is stationed overseas, and he tried to pull that same crap. Granted, my ex is a huge jerk. But being in an LDR requires communication. If there is none, then there is no relationship. I could understand if he was in Afghanistan fighting the war, but he's not. And because he's not, there should be some form of communication.

 

Thats just it, I have been wanting to talk about my day and hear about his - also there are photos I have wanted to share with him since last Sunday but the Yahoo thing has been so flakey so now I can be bothered to send them as they are no longer 'fresh'. When he was on last week it wasnt even long enough for me to email them across and talk about them, just feel so neglected.

 

And no, he has not been deployed yet - only army school right now.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I don't know anything about the military in the UK. If it's anything like boot camp in the US, I stand by what I said.

 

If it's more like attending West Point, that may be the case, but I would be more doubtful.

 

I'm from the UK - he's in the US military.

[New Again]

Is he in officer school or boot camp right now?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Is he in officer school or boot camp right now?

 

I'm not sure actually, and I don't know the difference!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

He actually goes away and gets deployed in May or June if that helps?

[New Again]

He actually goes away and gets deployed in May or June if that helps?

 

Sounds like boot camp, which means that it's entirely possible that he/his platoon are being punished and are not allowed to have internet/etc. privileges, or they are in the field and don't have access.

 

Often they will know ahead of time that they are going in the field for training and can warn you that they will be unavailable, but in boot camp that's not always the case.

 

Send him an email asking what's up, and wait until you get an explanation. I wouldn't flip out on him or anything until you hear from him, because he could have a perfectly reasonable explanation, as trite as that sounds.

 

If he doesn't, then you can take it from there.

[zebracolors]

Almost but not quite in a similar situation myself, only much more complicated and mine is not in the British military I'm pretty sure. At least him being even in something like basic training, might make his contact to the outside world limited. At least for you its only been 4 days. Imagine if it were to roll into months. No if this guy is serious about your relationship, no matter the distance, he'll make sure to find a way to get in touch.

 

And I know we have some great people with military knowledge who could probably give some insight to American military training, and the difference between boot camp and officer school. They might chime in here anytime who knows.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

He is military police. He trains other soldiers, I know that much - therefore there are not many above him I dont think.

 

That is shocking that things like internet could be forbidden, even in free time? Surely thats unreasonable when many will rely on it to communicate with their nearest and dearest? Jeez.

 

It is odd though, I mean for him to intentionally not make effort - he has spent an absolute fortune coming to the UK to see me and taking me to 5* restaurants/hotels etc. He also paid for my plane ticket to see him in the States next month so he is makng effort in that way. Just feels emotionally unfulfilling.

[New Again]

He is military police. He trains other soldiers, I know that much - therefore there are not many above him I dont think.

 

That is shocking that things like internet could be forbidden, even in free time? Surely thats unreasonable when many will rely on it to communicate with their nearest and dearest? Jeez.

 

It is odd though, I mean for him to intentionally not make effort - he has spent an absolute fortune coming to the UK to see me and taking me to 5* restaurants/hotels etc. He also paid for my plane ticket to see him in the States next month so he is makng effort in that way. Just feels emotionally unfulfilling.

No one is treated as an individual with families, loved ones and a life when they are in the military, and definitely not when in boot camp. Enlisting is equivalent to signing your life away (or for however long you enlisted for). You have no rights.

 

Sounds like he is not in boot camp, if he is training people....but how can you not know?

 

And usually there is very little or no free time.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Almost but not quite in a similar situation myself, only much more complicated and mine is not in the British military I'm pretty sure. At least him being even in something like basic training, might make his contact to the outside world limited. At least for you its only been 4 days. Imagine if it were to roll into months. No if this guy is serious about your relationship, no matter the distance, he'll make sure to find a way to get in touch.

 

And I know we have some great people with military knowledge who could probably give some insight to American military training, and the difference between boot camp and officer school. They might chime in here anytime who knows.

 

I am extra paranoid due to a previous partner of mine dropping out of contact on me several times and on his terms. It has made me very untrusting with this guy. This feeling of being left hanging feels all to familiar and its not nice.

 

Bottom line is, given that he knows how insecure I am, current boyfriend shouldn't promise to be online if he can't guarantee it, shouldn't then tell me he will email and then not, and keep more regular contact or at least warn me if he won't be in contact for a while.

[OnlyJake]

Bottom line is, given that he knows how insecure I am, current boyfriend shouldn't promise to be online if he can't guarantee it, shouldn't then tell me he will email and then not, and keep more regular contact or at least warn me if he won't be in contact for a while.

 

Then you need to communicate this to him...communication is key, remember?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

No one is treated as an individual with families, loved ones and a life when they are in the military, and definitely not when in boot camp. Enlisting is equivalent to signing your life away (or for however long you enlisted for). You have no rights.

 

Sounds like he is not in boot camp, if he is training people....but how can you not know?

 

And usually there is very little or no free time.

 

He just tells me he has army school/training or whatever and seldom elaborates on exactly what each thing entails.

 

But I am shocked at just how strict it is and how they dont take peoples feelings into account - he didn't warn me about this part.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Then you need to communicate this to him...communication is key, remember?

 

Yes I will do, it would help if he was actually contactable so I could express that!

 

But he is aware of how insecure I am, therefore I shouldn't really have to tell him but hey.

[OnlyJake]

But he is aware of how insecure I am, therefore I shouldn't really have to tell him but hey.

 

I disagree. Your insecurity is your issue, and your bf is not a mind-reader. Therefore it is not on him to be ever-aware of your issue. It's on you to make him aware of when he is feeding your insecurity, as well as what he can do to alleviate it.

 

I agree that it's not cool of him to disappear for days at a time. But, he is in the military, and you don't know what's up. You need to shoot him an email asking him what's going on, then wait for an answer and decide how to handle things from there. You also need to draw your boundaries and stick to them.

 

I don't know the nature of your relationship, ie how long you've been together, if he's done this before (you didn't answer me when I asked for that background), and so on.

 

I wish you luck

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I disagree. Your insecurity is your issue, and your bf is not a mind-reader. Therefore it is not on him to be ever-aware of your issue. It's on you to make him aware of when he is feeding your insecurity, as well as what he can do to alleviate it.

 

I agree that it's not cool of him to disappear for days at a time. But, he is in the military, and you don't know what's up. You need to shoot him an email asking him what's going on, then wait for an answer and decide how to handle things from there. You also need to draw your boundaries and stick to them.

 

I don't know the nature of your relationship, ie how long you've been together, if he's done this before (you didn't answer me when I asked for that background), and so on.

 

I wish you luck

 

I just had a message from him saying that they had no power all weekend due to bad storms, he apologised and said he felt awful that he did something to upset me even if it wasn't on purpose. I couldn't reply as he sent it when I was working out/showering just now then went offline by the time I came back to my comp. He read my email and one of the IM's he sent just now said he just tried to call me tonight after reading how upset it had made me yet couldnt get through. Still makes me annoyed that he didn't think to just call me anyway. Well we never talk on the phone ever - always just online, seems to have worked for us up until now.

 

Yes I will make it quite clear about this feeding my insecurity etc when we have a live conversation tomorrow. I know he didn't mean anything sinister but I do at least need to be honest with him and clear the air.

 

Sorry I didn't realise I hadn't answered your questions about the relationship in general. We have been talking online since Aug '09, met for the first time in Dec '09, then again in Feb '10, next meeting will be my trip to see him in the States next month. Relationship been very good thus far. Just this blip.