Why does it hurt to be in this relationship with a man I truly love?

[iheartcookies]

What is wrong with me? I'm scared of this person that I have become and I want to say that I'm suffering from depression. However, I'm not sure if it's that or just me...being so "in love" with my boyfriend. Does it seem like an obession? Over-clingyness? I need some honest opinions because I really don't now what's going on.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We go to different colleges, but since his university is 1 1/2 hours away he comes back every weekend. This semester he has lessened that to every other week, which was a huge change for me. The first time he told me I got depressed and started crying in school. I can't drive because my parents won't let me even though I'm already a sophomore in college. Visiting him at his university is therefore impossible. He told me that he can't come back every weekend anymore because school is getting hectic and stuff, which of course I understand. However, on those weekends he ends up going out and drinking a lot with this roommates (Mind you, there is only 1 guy among 6 other girls. He said he gets along better with girls than guys. Lucky me, huh?). I know he loves me very much, but I can't help but feel so insecure and jealous when he's out at some college party and he can't talk to me. The past three semesters together he called and texted me a lot. We would always talk through instant messenger and webcam. I felt connected to him this way despite the distance. This semester is completely different though...He acquired a really close group of friends at his new dorm, which is composed mostly of girls. He doesn't call me much...I usually have to initate it. When I do call he can only talk for a little bit. I get online and when he's on I talk to him. We talk continously for 5 minutes, but usually he tends to slow down in responses. It takes him 20 min or more in between messages because he gets distracted with friends coming in the room. I'm so extremely jealous of these girls and friends he chooses to hang out with over talking to me, and I don't know how to control it. It really seriously hurts me and I have become so overly sensitive. Our phone conversations mean the world to me, and a lot of times he is too nonchalant and whatever. He doesn't seem to care or miss me as much as I miss him. When we hang up I always end up throwing my phone and crying. It hurts me so much that I think about how it'd feel like if I killed myself and if he would regret treating me like this. Stupid and crazy, right? I just don't know what to do.

 

I feel so trapped. I live at home and my mom drives me to school. When I don't see or talk to him, I feel like my life is so routine and I have nothing to look forward to. I cry often and I don't feel like getting up and going to school many mornings.

 

Oh, and in addition to all of this...he's leaving for China in May for three months. He is studying abroad in order to fulfill certain degree requirements. I'm so insecure and sad about this. My sisters tease me about how he's going to find a Chinese girl during the summer, and even though I know he loves me and reassures me that nothing will happen, I can't help but feel like **** every time I think about it. I don't know what I'm going to do when this time comes. I don't even know what to do right now when I see him every other week.

 

I really need some help. I don't know what to do, guys. Thanks for reading.

[Els]

'However, on those weekends he ends up going out and drinking a lot with this roommates'

 

How much is 'a lot'? Is it like the entire weekend, or just one night for a few hours?

 

If he really is spending his entire weekend going out and drinking - don't you think that all that stuff about school being hectic was a load of bullcrap? People with hectic school loads can't afford to go out drinking entire weekends, believe me.

 

And if he can afford that, he can certainly afford a 1.5 hour drive to see you. Although I admit that it's somewhat burdensome for one party to do the travelling all the time, 1.5 hours is NOTHING. I know people who commute longer than that daily to go to work.

 

Of course, there may be things I don't know about so I can't judge - but this is just my impression.

[D-Lish]

You are living your life waiting for contact and visits from your bf and that's a sad and unfulfilling way to exist.

 

Get out and enjoy your own college experience!

 

You can't blame your bf for making friends and enjoying weekends on campus- that is what college is all about. You should be doing the same.

 

Stop wallowing in self pity and have some fun of your own. If your bf starts viewing you as too needy he's going to bail- it seems he's already distancing himself.

[sweetjasmine]

You are living your life waiting for contact and visits from your bf and that's a sad and unfulfilling way to exist.

 

Get out and enjoy your own college experience!

 

You can't blame your bf for making friends and enjoying weekends on campus- that is what college is all about. You should be doing the same.

 

Stop wallowing in self pity and have some fun of your own. If your bf starts viewing you as too needy he's going to bail- it seems he's already distancing himself.

 

Agreed with everything.

 

Being depressed all the time is no way to live regardless of whether you're in a relationship. You have to start taking care of yourself and finding things in your life that make you happy. You can't rely on another person to give your life meaning or make you feel happy and fulfilled all the time. You can't make someone else the center of your world - it's too much pressure for another person to play that role. You have to learn how to be your own person and you have to learn that you can't make someone else responsible for your happiness.

 

You two have been together since high school, right? The transition between high school and college can be pretty difficult, especially when you look around and it seems like everyone else is having no trouble at all adjusting. How are you doing with that? Have you made new friends at school?

 

I went to college near my hometown, and the first year, I spent more time with my old high school friends who stayed in the area than I did making new friends. As a result, I didn't feel too comfortable at school and it took me some time before I developed good friendships there. It's important that you not hold on to everything in your past to the point where you're ignoring the things in your present.

 

And this is all separate of the issues with your boyfriend. He may or may not be losing interest in you - I don't know. I get the impression that he's getting into college life and figuring out who he is now that he's left home. You should talk to him about your concerns and tell him that you're going through a difficult time.

 

But whatever happens with him, there's no reason why you should be miserable. You should find out if you can get student counseling appointments at your school and go talk to someone. This is all interfering with your ability to function, go to school, and enjoy life. You're depressed, and your boyfriend won't be able to fix that for you no matter how hard he tries. It's not a personal failing, but you need to take action and get a little help so you can start feeling good about things again.

[Arabella]

I wish my LDR had been only 1.5h. I would have had no issues at all driving it a couple times a week.

 

Like Elswyth said, if he had such a huge college load, he wouldn't be able to spend a weekend out partying. If he can do that, he can certainly come see you... he just chooses not to.

 

In my opinion, he's simply losing interest in the relationship as time goes by. I would not be surprised if he already likes one of these girls he's hanging out with and he's slowly checking out of the relationship.

 

You can either bring it up to him and explain how this makes you feel, or break up the relationship because he clearly does not prioritize you as he should.

 

Either way, don't keep wallowing! Take matters into your own hands

 

Best of luck,

 

Arabella

[Els]

You are living your life waiting for contact and visits from your bf and that's a sad and unfulfilling way to exist.

 

Get out and enjoy your own college experience!

 

You can't blame your bf for making friends and enjoying weekends on campus- that is what college is all about. You should be doing the same.

 

Stop wallowing in self pity and have some fun of your own. If your bf starts viewing you as too needy he's going to bail- it seems he's already distancing himself.

 

While I agree that the OP should have a life of her own, it doesn't mean that what the bf is doing is all fine and dandy. It's 1.5 hours!! He could go out with his friends Friday and Saturday night, and still be able to come and spend Sunday. 'You can't blame your bf for making friends and enjoying weekends on campus' is true, to an extent. If she simply feels that he should NOT be able to make friends and enjoy himself with them, this would be applicable. But by your logic, even if he stays in campus ALL the time (even though it's a 1.5 hour drive) partying with his friends, it's still okay and it doesn't show that he's simply not interested? Why would anyone ever need to see their SO then, be it LDR or ITR?

[iheartcookies]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. I really appreciate the time you've taken to give me advice.

 

To clarify some things-- if he does go drinking, it's usually on Friday nights. On Saturday and Sunday he does get some homework done, but he also ends up hanging out with his dorm friends a lot during then and does not talk to me that often.

 

When we're together, nothing could be more perfect. We are perfectly loving and fine when he comes to see me, and he does spend most of Friday and Saturday with me before he drives back to school Sunday afternoon.

 

He is a loving boyfriend in person. He does reassure me that he loves me when he's at school, but his actions simply allow me to think otherwise a lot of times.

 

We argue when he's at school sometimes, and he gets so cold and later explains that he hates starting drama in school. I'm not sure if I'm seriously appearing too needy and clingy...

 

We made the transition from HS to college two years ago. The first year was difficult to adjust to, but we both got through it. I thought that it would get easier as time went by, but it seems to get harder when I don't see him every weekend. I have made some friends in my university, but I can really only hang out with two people from there. Everyone else are simply classmate buddies and nothing else.

 

Would that change the circumstances/advice you guys have given me?

[BettyBoop]

He is a loving boyfriend in person. He does reassure me that he loves me when he's at school, but his actions simply allow me to think otherwise a lot of times.

 

I do get the feeling he is loosing interest in you over the other things in his life. If he is as loving when he sees you - it would make me feel like why wouldn't he want to see you every weekend? Then again, my boyfriend can be like that too. I would be happy seeing him every day all the time while he is fine with being without me every now and then. I know he loves me, it's just that he is fine with space. Whenever I do give him that space - he's the one who thinks we're not spending enough time together.

 

Perhaps what he does need is space? If you stop calling etc. If he starts calling you more - you'll know he misses you. If he doesn't call more often still...that does not indicate someone who loves and misses you.

 

I learned the hard way that actions speak louder than words. I received a valentine's day boquet from my 1st boyfriend with the text "You're my everything" when he hadn't called me for 1,5 months (I was doing all the calling and he complained I was too needy for wanting him to call me back). It was obvious to me I was his "nothing" more likely.

[Els]

It's really hard to say, cookies - actually, is there really no way you can go to see him? Bus ride or something?

 

My judgement might be biased due to me being accustomed to lots of travelling. I have friends who go to college 3 hours away yet take a bus back each week to see their family. My friends and I sometimes drive an hour just to eat something special (yeah, that's probably weird, heh). So to me, 1.5 hours is nothing. He could easily still spend time with his friends while coming to see you more often, IMO. Of course, if he has a really heavy course load then that would be unfair of you to expect.