Need Assistance with Stupid Friend Situation

[CarrieT]

A friend of mine knows how to use eInvite and has before to organize movie nights at my place. At the end of February, I sent the following message:

 

FEBRUARY 26: Would you care to utilize your Movie Night mailing list and Invite tool skills to invite folks to my place for Oscar night, a week from Sunday? Right now, it is just Lisa and me and we are thinking pot-luck, but I'd love to have a bigger showing, if you are interested...

He responded:

FEBRUARY 26: Sounds grand. Will try to get to it tomorrow.

Two days later, he sends me HIS list of email invites and I respond:

FEBRUARY 28: I was hoping YOU would do the invite since you are familiar with how that system works (if memory serves, I couldn't even access it because I don't have a Gmail account).....

His response:

FEBRUARY 28: Nope - don't need gmail.

My response:

FEBRUARY 28: You are welcome to join Lisa and I and anyone you would care to personally invite. I don't have time to figure out how to do an eInvite this week as I have house guests arriving.

And then the weirdness begins:

FEBRUARY 28: Hey Carrie,

 

Thanks for the invitation - appreciated.

 

I guess I'm wondering if you mean the implication. You don't have time to do this because of the house guests, but I should prioritize it over everything from finishing the script to a commercial to visiting my aged, sick friend Bruce, to getting a phone card to call my old landlords in Burgenland, Austria, to visiting my very ill mother, etc.

 

It's a standard refrain from you (how busy you are), and I think you might want to rethink voicing it to me or anybody else.

 

Finally, it's designed to be used by the vast unwashed, and should take you again about 30 minutes to set up, or about the same amount of time that it would take me to make a brand-new invitation.

 

Be Well,

To which I reply:

MARCH 1: There is obviously a communication disconnect between us, but I somewhat resent the passive aggressive tone you are taking to make your point. I'm sorry about your sick friend Bruce and your very ill mother, but you have no knowledge as to what *I* have been dealing with and *why* I have house guests arriving. Suffice to say it not remotely for social pleasure. There are very severe business, legal, and financial issues which have recently arisen which necessitate the use of professional consultants and fortunately for me, they have agreed to stay with me while we sort the problems out. I have also been dealing with a very ill friend -- a dear woman who has been diagnosed with advanced Alzheimers at the tender age of 48 plus Lisa has broken her foot and has needed assistance getting around just to shop for groceries.

 

I apologize by believing that the eInvite was something you had already set-up and that all you had to do was to change the date and verbiage of the event; hence my initial query to you, "Would you care to utilize your ... Invite tool skills to invite folks..." I believed it was a plain request and when you assented, "Sounds grand. Will try to get to it tomorrow." I took that to understand it was a task you were handling and was not something that required "a brand new invitation." Had you said, "it isn't something I can deal with right now," or anything to that effect, I would not have bothered you with it further and understood that we are all under a great deal of pressure.

 

I wish the best for you and your family. Please let me know when you are able to pick up your DVD player and umbrella.

His curt reply:

MARCH 1: I'll call before picking them up today; you might recall how they both got there.

My response:

MARCH 1: I am in the East Bay until this evening.

And his:

MARCH 1: OK - just please don't throw out my things, as I am working everyday from 9-5 except today, plus plans most eves.

And finally mine:

MARCH 1: Do you think so poorly of me that you believe I would do that? Again, why so passive aggressive over a slight communication misunderstanding? And one that I have apologized for?

 

You can keep your belongings at my place as long as you like; I just assumed you would want them back.

Now that was two weeks ago (and this was a friend with whom I used to have almost daily contact). He is now acting like none of this has transpired and is sending me eInvites to other events that some of his friends are hosting.

 

He is glossing over what transpired while I somewhat feel he owes me an apology. I am at a loss as I have now been invited to a St. Pat's event by him and I am really on the fence if I want to even deal with it...

 

Appreciate your thoughts and thanks to anyone who read through all this.

[quankanne]

he's being a jerk, plain and simple. The nasty-gram about him having a life and you not respecting it was a bit over the top for a simple bit of communication, you know?

 

will there be other friends at the St. Pat's shindig that you can relax with? And do you think he's the kind of person who would review mentally what went on and offer an apology? Just curious ...

[CarrieT]

will there be other friends at the St. Pat's shindig that you can relax with?

 

Thanks - I honestly wasn't sure if I was over-reacting or not.

 

The St Pat's thing is a bunch of HIS friends I have never met which is why I am on the fence about attending. These are people I don't know, but being self-employed, I have oft-complained that I have a very small social network so meeting new people *might* be a good thing. I'm just not sure in this setting with this guy."

 

And do you think he's the kind of person who would review mentally what went on and offer an apology? Just curious ...

 

Honestly, I am surprised that he did not reciprocate an apology after I offered one. That was why I posted the whole transcript of the situation -- because it was so bizarre and I am not used to friends playing games like this.

[2sure]

Just a thought.

 

Having a party means planning the party - unless you hire someone else to do it for you.

 

Planning a party is work. The invites being a big part of that.

If you cant do the work , or do not hire someone else to do it...its a bit much to ask of a guest. If he used his account to invite his friends, it would give the impression that he was giving the party.

 

just a thought. Obviously, he did not communicate well with you.

Go to the St. Pats thing and start putting together your own guest list!

[CarrieT]

Planning a party is work. The invites being a big part of that.

If you cant do the work , or do not hire someone else to do it...its a bit much to ask of a guest. If he used his account to invite his friends, it would give the impression that he was giving the party.

 

The back story is that for the previous three months, he and I had been co-hosting a Thursday night movie night. It was held at my place because I have the big screen TV and he was the one who would send out the announcement each week.

 

We had just canceled the movie night because of poor attendance but this was simply an adjunct of what we had been doing.

 

I am a trained chef so I am the one who always feeds everyone and it was more than implied that what I was asking him to do was a minor aspect of the evening.

[2sure]

Gotcha. I was wondering too , because I know from previous posts...you didnt seem like that.

[blueyedgrl85]

It sounds like he's just going through a hard time right now and was passive-aggressive in his response to you. (Agreeing to do the invites, but then getting angry and backing out of it.) Try to give him some time and let things settle down. For the invites for parties, try to take care of them on your own. (I'm sure a simple, bulk e-mail sent out to everyone would suffice.) It was a messy situation, but hopefully you can all come together again and continue to have more fun parties.

[CarrieT]

I got the following message from him about an invite for this evening:

 

Hope you'll consider coming a few blocks away tonight.

 

Also, did the pics you were going to take come out?

 

I'll be more sane after Tuesday night, and would like to swing by and get gadget & umbrella.

 

Be Well,

 

And my admittedly curt response (but I feel better having gotten it off my chest):

 

I have been in quite a quandary on how to reply to you recently. Quite frankly, I'm still a bit bent out of shape on the Oscar kerfuffle.

 

Your response to my analysis of your passive-aggressive correspondence was rude and insulting by insinuating that I would otherwise dispose of your belongings. I was astonished that you thought so little of me to even suggest it and it demonstrated that you gave no consideration of repairing an escalating, ugly situation. You neither acknowledged my apology nor offered one of your own.

 

Yet weeks later, there come these odd invitations and phone calls as though no insult exists. Apparently you are better at moving on than I am. Or, the invitations are your way of moving on without clearing the air. Or, you don't even acknowledge there is air still to be cleared. I don't know.

 

Regardless, I have a prior engagement this evening, do not recall what pics you are referring to, and will likely be home next Tuesday. Please call first.

 

 

There has been no response yet.

[Hurtbunny]

Okay just giving another point of view here, (don't shoot me down! )since I've been involved in a similar situation the other way around.

 

Unless this guy has been consistently moody for a while, give him a break! He's a good friend of yours and was likely having a bad day / going through a bad time.

 

His two very short replies indicated that he was trying his best to accomodate you, but instead of picking up on this you continued to badger him.

 

His february 28th response WAS rude and he clearly snapped (he even admits that he is having a rough time at the mo) and actually re-reading the message and referring to the 'great unwashed' is highly offensive.

 

HOWEVER instead of asking him HOW he is, calling him up to see what his problem was or acknowledging that something isn't quite right you then proceed to send a very over the top, ridiculous email (march1st).

 

Why is everything to do with you? Why did you take it so personally? The guy was out of order, he was having a bad day, and instead of remedying the situation and taking the steam out of it you exacerbated it by taking such offence.

 

I mean - go back to the original problem - it was about some invites for gods sake!

 

My opinion: the guy was having a rough time, instead of being there for him you completely went over the top. you should have offered advice, been non judgemental, and considered that not everything in the world revolves around you - his problems are completely unrelated to you!!

 

Is he not allowed to have a bad day?!! be a BETTER friend! be the BIGGER person! He was out of order but that doesn't mean you have to match (and even beat) his behaviour! For gods sake!

 

You will probably not like this advice, and I can see your point of view, but I think you have taken it all way too personally.

[Hurtbunny]

Also just realised from the annoyance I felt when someone just replied to my won post - my post is not meant to offend in any way whatsoever - just kind of playing devils advocate for you to fully explore the situation. I actually personally agree with what a lot of the other posters have put. And I could have expressed my self better.

 

=)

 

x

[Left in a Lurch]

He is obviously wrong, but you should let it go. Probably on the first response he thought it was no big deal but then got busy and forgot about it. When you followed up he may have had 10 other things as a higher priority piled up in his mind and was frustrated that #11 just got dropped on the pile and vented on you a little.

 

As an example, last weekend I had a scheduled project I needed to finish and it required about 70 hours of work. Saturday morning another customer was building something himself that wasn't working. His projects are not at all in my scope of work for him but I help him from time to time as a courtesy. I explained my workload but that I would take some time (which I really didn't have) Sunday to take a look. I told him everything he needed to do to fix it which was simple and about a 2-hour fix. He replied he did not want to spend all Saturday troubleshooting it, but needed it fixed right away.

Normally I would do it as a courtesy for any customer if I had nothing scheduled and he is one of the nicest customers I have, but with the stress of my workload and the perception in my mind at the time that his assumption was his Saturday Home Depot time was more valuable than mine working on a large scheduled project, I was really close to giving a passive-aggressive response and telling him his option was to call me Monday if he couldn't figure it out by then. I am not like that but it was a result of the circumstance.

 

I think it's one of those things where he likely thought he would have time and feels bad forgetting about it in the first place, but when you reminded him he was probably stressed out and thought he was just as busy or busier with his own responsibilities than you were and the pile got a little too heavy and he snapped a bit. Now he thinks it's a small enough offense for friends to forget about quickly.

Edited March 21, 2010 by Chat Room Hero

[blueyedgrl85]

I think that his invite to you was really his way of saying sorry for everything, even if he didn't come right out and say it. I am the queen of holding grudges, so I understand how you feel. But sometimes it is better to just cool off and walk away, gather your thoughts and then approach the issue.

If this is this guy's first time offense doing this, then try and understand that he was going through a hard time and had a lot going on. He was

trying to be there for everyone and he probably just got too drained emotionally. Either way, think about the relationship as a whole- is he

worth keeping as a friend? Think about the bigger picture and then take it from there.

[D-Lish]

It sounds from his initial snappy reply that he was going through a really stressful time. I think you happened to be the person that asked something of him at a time when he was feeling overwhelmed and distressed over his own personal hardships. So you became the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

 

I agree that his response was over the top- but I think he was making an attempt at making amends when he reached out to you the last time.

 

Both of you have to find some common ground here in order to move forward.