Need Reassurance about LDR

[Sivok]

Hey,

 

So I've been in an LDR for a little over 3 months now. We first met last month where she visited for 10 days and got along amazingly. We compliment each other well and the passion is through the roof. I'm going to visit her again this Thursday for a long weekend.

 

As great as it all is, I'm having concerns

 

#1 The distance is MUCH worse after meeting, it was really hard dropping her off at the airport. First time I shed a tear in a very long time heh.

 

#2 It's very expensive. She's currently working on going back to school and doesn't have an income. I do, but I'm currently in an internship; once that ends, I'll be without a decent sized paycheck until I graduate. I graduate next year.

 

#3 Relocation and the future. We both spent our entire lives in our select states. I'm in MA and she's a west coast girl; grew up in CA and currently resides in WA. My whole life is here; from lifelong friends to family. Right now it seems we're both too stubborn to take the step to say 'alright I'll move'. Given it's early, but I'm worried this may be a large concern in the future. We're both 23, and I don't want to feel like I'm losing my 'good years' in a long distance relationship that may be destined to end. We're both madly in love with each other and don't want to be with anyone else, but it's just stressful thinking about the future because it seems so... unclear.

 

Anyone on here that may have gone through this? Maybe I'm taking this love for granted? Any advice will be appreciated

Edited March 16, 2010 by Sivok

[Els]

I wish I could give you reassurance, I really do. But all I can do is tell you that yes, it is going to be difficult, and you're just going to have to hope for the best and take one step at a time. And yes, it will take a lot of money AND effort, far more than the average relationship. Maybe I'm just tired of having been in LDRs for so many years, but that's how I see it as. If you're looking for a nice, casual, easy relationship, LDRs aren't the way. Only do it if you really love her so much that you think you'll never find someone like her.

[BettyBoop]

I don't want to feel like I'm losing my 'good years' in a long distance relationship that may be destined to end.

 

That part stood out to me. If you think this way already I don't think you're cut out for a LDR. I never ever thought that way when I was with one of my LDR exes. Never. And I am pretty damn sure they never thought that about me...

 

Like Elswyth said, only if you feel you will never meet a woman like her - is it worth it.

[Sivok]

You mention LDR exes. Was the LDR what killed your relationships?

 

I don't know. At this point I'm not fond of the idea of completely changing my life and moving cross coast at all. Is 1 person worth losing all your childhood friends, family, and comfort zone? I've lived in the same town since I was 9. Ugh, I'm in a rough spot.

[Els]

Oh, I wish I knew the answer to that.

[kittie s.]

Any relationship you are in will require lots of compromise. Maybe just try it for a little while, but like they said, if you feel like you're wasting your best years, that's not such a great sign. I haven't looked at things in that way. But then again, you may just be thinking too much into it.

 

And keep in mind, just because you move doesn't mean your family and friends will alienate you. They will still be there for you, no matter where you are!

[Arabella]

At this point I'm not fond of the idea of completely changing my life and moving cross coast at all. Is 1 person worth losing all your childhood friends, family, and comfort zone? I've lived in the same town since I was 9. Ugh, I'm in a rough spot.

 

If you have to even ask yourself that at this point, you shouldn't bother with this relationship at all.

 

I moved across the world (leaving all my family and friends) for my first LDR. Five years later our relationship ended, but I don't regret the decision. Somehow, I managed to get into another LDR and I would have done the same for him if it had come to that.

 

People who get into LDRs don't do it because we enjoy it. We do it because we feel that person is worth that much to us. LDRs are very difficult to sustain over a long period of time, and if you don't have that conviction to take comfort in when things get rough, you'll never make it.

 

I know this isn't the reassurance you were looking for, but I hope it helps in making your decision at least.

 

Best of luck,

 

 

Arabella

[BettyBoop]

You mention LDR exes. Was the LDR what killed your relationships?

 

Nope. My first boyfriend and I broke up *after* I had moved to his stupid country. The second LDR I dumped 6 months before he was moving over to live together with me.

 

I killed the relationship on my own when I realised they were not who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The distance actually had nothing to do with it.

[MichelleZB]

If you think this way already I don't think you're cut out for a LDR. I never ever thought that way when I was with one of my LDR exes. Never. And I am pretty damn sure they never thought that about me...

 

Be careful about making judgements about what's right for the OP in his relationship. For instance, his concerns were concerns I had, too--and my LDR lasted and eventually turned into a marriage. So I wouldn't say that if someone had doubts like he's mentioning, they're not "cut out for an LDR."

 

I rather like to think that no-one is cut out for an LDR--I went through several years of the uncertainty and heartbreak that is a long-distance relationship, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You either make it out alive or you don't, but I'm not sure you have to have particular characteristics to be successfully weather the storm.

 

Sivok, I made the decision at 24 to leave my job and favourite city to move to a much crappier city and a slightly lower-paying job to be with my non-husband. Two years later, I feel like I made the right decision, but I still miss my old city.

 

Ultimately, for the relationship to have a future, one or both of you will have to move. Also, the lack of future goals can eat away at an LDR. Luckily, it looks like both of you are still in school and you're going to have to wait to finish school before either of you moves for your career. That gives you some time to grow your relationship to the point where you won't feel as bad moving. Do you both plan to work in fields where there are jobs in multiple cities, or will one or both of you be stuck-ish?

[BettyBoop]

Michelle, I never said or made judgement about what was right or wrong for the OP. I only shared my opinions about the subject.

 

Glad it worked out for you.

[Away]

I think that it's perfectly natural to feel the way you feel. You will figure it out eventually. If you're happy now, there's no reason to end the relationship... and if you still don't have to make the decision of moving, you might not want to think about it too much. Although I agree with what someone said about your friends and family still being there for you even if you were to move. My friends and family are in a totally different country, and I miss them, but coming here has also given me the opportunity to make new friends, so... it might not be as bad as you think.

 

Anyway, best of luck!

[ADF]

You ask for "reassurance," but I'm going to give you an honest opinion instead. LDRs are always difficult. Even worse, they are often frought with stress and anxiety right from the beginning. In your case, this would likely be compounded by the fact you're so young. The chances of any LDR surviving over the long term are slim.

 

That said, if you're determined to give this a shot, here's two things to consider:

 

1) LDRs that succeed are usually only LDRs for the short term. If you are serious about this person, you need to close the distance between you FAST. Make this a priority.

 

2) What often makes LDR so emotionally charged is the fact they are LDRs. Both partners are in a perpetual state of yearning for each other. While this tends to erode their bond over time, in the short term, it can sharpen their sense of attachment to each other. They mistake this for love. Then, when they finally get together full-time, they start to wonder where the magic went. Please consider this.