Control over feelings

[blind_otter]

This is a skill that many men have cultivated, and I'd think many successful women as well, and I am very motivated to find out about how to go about developing this within myself.

 

All my life I have had a problem where, whenever I feel emotionally aroused in any direction (happy/angry/sad/excited to a very high degree) I cry. It doesn't help matters that I've had a somewhat rough time of it for most of my life, starting very early in childhood and continuing at random intervals throughout.

 

Compounding my personal issues is the fact that it's mostly socially acceptable for women to be more overtly emotional (to their detriment, I think) than men are.

 

Now, being completely compartmentalized and emotionally detached is not a healthy state. But, you know, histrionic, overly-emotional reactions are just as unhealthy, and even more disruptive not only to the emoting person, but to everyone around them. Most people don't know how to deal with tears.

 

When I get a surge of emotion, I also get a compulsion to act on it. I say compulsion because it is an overwhelming physical urge that wells up from my gut - something almost electric. Sometimes I can let that sensation pass through me. More often I have overt reactions to the sensation - I start crying. Ugh.

 

How do you control this, even when you are going through difficult times in your personal life? I don't want to continue emotionally vomiting all over everyone who is with in a 10 ft radius.

[threebyfate]

What works for me, is to shut off empathy and then, focus on what I'm trying to accomplish, rather than focusing on what I feel.

[Ms. Joolie]

Just let it be okay that you react this way. No matter what the emotion, you are fully expressing yourself when you tear up. It's okay.

 

Allow yourself to feel that. Are you concerned then of what other people might think of you once the water works start? Don't be. A simple message to let them know that that is how you react is all that's necessary, if even that.

 

If you are angry, tears will be add to your emotion and help express yourself. If you are happy, tears add to that, and help you express yourself. And so on. Don't try to control that, just let it be. When you cry in this way, don't stop what you are doing. Allow the tears to flow, and keep doing what you are doing. If you are having a conversation, keep talking. If you are giving a speech, keep going. If you are watching a movie, keep watching.

 

Tears are only a means of expression, not a problem.

 

 

(On a side note, if you think you cry way too much, you might want to look into that. Are you tired? Stressed? etc. Try and understand/resolve the issue that is stressing you instead of focusing on the tears.)

[Meaplus3]

 

How do you control this, even when you are going through difficult times in your personal life? I don't want to continue emotionally vomiting all over everyone who is with in a 10 ft radius.

 

I'll tell ya I can relate. I tend to run high in the emotional dept myself in more ways then one. So, what do I do? I ask myself when faced with a situation.. 'Why do I really care so much about this?' This helps me to STOP for a moment and think about why I'm reacting. Because in most cases.. it's the caring part that makes us react. When we don't care we don't react do we? Get it?

 

Mea:)

[blind_otter]

I've been told by my therapist that I am too emotional, that I use it as a weapon...

 

Mea, that makes sense. It is the caring part that makes me want to react. When I don't care about something, I have no emotion for it...

[Meaplus3]

I've been told by my therapist that I am too emotional, that I use it as a weapon...

 

Mea, that makes sense. It is the caring part that makes me want to react. When I don't care about something, I have no emotion for it...

 

I'm not sure why your therapist would put it that way? Their is nothing wrong with beign emotional. It shows you have a big heart and are very caring. That's the way I see it anyway. But, there are not a whole lot of people in the world like this.. so the people like us who do exist.. sort of get put down and shunned in a sense by the many that view emotions as a weakness. While it's important to take control of your emotions for your own wellness.. don't ever see it as a bad thing.

 

Mea:)

[SadandConfusedWA]

I think that you are being too hard on yourself. I don't think crying is that bad at all. I really think that people should just accept themselves more and stop all that internal struggle.

 

 

I can relate to feeling overwhelming emotions at times. The problem with me is that if someone has hurt me in any way (and I am VERY sensitive) I react by attempting to hurt that person back, twice as hard. I will zero in on their weak aspects and I will be almost ruthlessly cruel. People do NOT take kindly to this, and I ended up destroying most of my closest relationships. Also, sometimes I react to a perceived hurt or a misunderstanding which as you can imagine only creates a bigger mess. I can not stop myself from impulsively reacting. This of course only happens when I care about something. To people I don't care about I probably seem very cold and dettached.

[blind_otter]

I have this deeply imprinted fear of imposing on people. It was how I was raised, I think. My father always said I wore my heart on my sleeve, and it wouldn't serve me well in life. I think because when he was younger, he was the same way. Hot headed and passionate and intense. My mother was that way, too. So genetically or environmentally, I got a double dose.

 

And I think that crying is an imposition, for some reason, on those around me. And I can usually put a stopper on it for a bit if there are lots of people around, but alone, I can get major waterworks going.

 

Sometimes I can control it, but my body will shake. It's strange. I look like I'm cold, shivering, but I feel so much emotion that I shake! That is usually what happens if I don't cry. It's as if there is some short circuit in my brain that causes me to require a physical release for internal sensations.

 

I am embarrassed to feel things so intensely, because there isn't a place for it. Also, it makes my eyes hurt. They get all swollen and red and bloodshot. I look stoned, haha. Without the euphoria.

[threebyfate]

blind_otter, if it affects what you're attempting to accomplish, it's something that needs to have some form of control. The next time you find yourself overwhelmed by negative emotion(s), try breathing deeply, in and out, clearing your mind from focusing on emotions. Once you've accomplished this, tap into your logic. Visually speaking, it's like stepping back from yourself and observing as a third party.

[shadowplay]

I've gone through periods of that, where I'll cry at the drop of the dime. Usually it's when I'm under a huge amount of stress. Like being with my ex my self esteem was so frayed that I would cry at almost nothing. Also, I think I was subconsciously trying to show him that I was human and hoping me would treat me as such (have some regard for my feelings). Of course he never did.

 

I think it's also the body's way of soothing you and calming you down when you're under too much pressure.

 

But it leaves you with an unpleasant feeling of being out of control and off-kilter. Also, it can cause embarrassment if you're around other people. It makes you feel weak.

 

What has helped tremendously is reducing the stress in my life.

[Crusoe]

What works for me, is to shut off empathy and then, focus on what I'm trying to accomplish, rather than focusing on what I feel.

 

I also see nothing wrong with being emotional, it is sign you care and feel, and personally I like people with some passion inside of them, but if you want to turn it off for while, the above from TBF is wht you have to do. It takes time to learn, but once learnt it is simply a case of flipping a switch, doing what you have to do, then letting it all out afterwards.

 

I am not sure if I have the words to properly describe how to learn to "care without caring". All I can do is decribe how it was taught to me. Part of my golf training years back learning to play without emotion. During this time my instructor would walk the course and carry my bag. He handed me the club I needed and if I hit an average shot he made me carry that club until I reached ball again. If I hit either a bad or exceptionally good shot he shouted "drop it", so I would drop the club and walk on. Over time it became habit, as soon I felt any excitement, anger, emotion, I dropped the club. Over more time I no longer had to drop the club, just mentally saying the words "drop it" was enough. Over even more time you learn to say "drop it" before you take the shot and that's when you're playing without emotion.

 

I am sure there are many ways of dealing with unwanted emotion, but thats what worked for me. To physiclly carry something that represented emotion, then drop it when emotion was felt, that was my physical act, my temporary release. Maybe you could try similar, carry a hanky or wear a ring, anything really and when you feel the emotion drop the hanky or remove the ring. It takes time but can eventully become a learned response.

[blind_otter]

I am sure there are many ways of dealing with unwanted emotion, but thats what worked for me. To physiclly carry something that represented emotion, then drop it when emotion was felt, that was my physical act, my temporary release. Maybe you could try similar, carry a hanky or wear a ring, anything really and when you feel the emotion drop the hanky or remove the ring. It takes time but can eventully become a learned response.

 

I am intrigued, and I'm going to try this.

 

I don't want to be permanently shut off, emotionally, but I think in my current circumstances, a more deadpan approach would serve me better.

 

Anyways, it's always empowering when you can learn methods to better handle yourself, rather than trying eternally to handle other people, which is sort of a dead end route.

[laRubiaBonita]

i used to NEVER EVER cry.... my sisters would make fun of me and say i was inhuman. but they cry at the drop of a hat.

i always thought crying was weakness- and i never wanted anyone to think they got me and made me cry.

 

even now, it is hard for me to let go and cry, but my hormones have taken over to some extent, so i cry easier.

 

but in regard to the control over emotions- i think you should be careful, it seems there would be a fine line between controlling and bottling.

 

i sing in my car as stress relief.... i have been without anything in my car for a few months, i have had to listen to my ipod, but low because i feel like a wreckless driver with earphones... Anyways- it has really sucked! i have not been able to sing at the top of my lungs and get the release i need before and after work. so now i have my music back and i am happier!

[Meaplus3]

And I think that crying is an imposition, for some reason, on those around me. And I can usually put a stopper on it for a bit if there are lots of people around, but alone, I can get major waterworks going.

 

It's ok BO.. it's healthy to cry. Infact it's so much better for you then holding all those emotions inside.Really, it's healthy and every therapist I've seen has said the same thing to me.. so they must be right.

 

 

Sometimes I can control it, but my body will shake. It's strange. I look like I'm cold, shivering, but I feel so much emotion that I shake! That is usually what happens if I don't cry. It's as if there is some short circuit in my brain that causes me to require a physical release for internal sensations.

 

 

The body shaking part sounds like anxeity. When one is real upset it's only natural to feel odd physical symptoms.. this is a road I have walked.. and I'm still sort of walking on. only I'm walking without a cane right now. Have you ever tried self hynosis CD's? Or meditation? Both have a very calming effect on emotions. Infact, I listen to a CD by Christopher love.. every night before bed. It's called "End anxeity and panic attacks". I'm not saying your having panic attacks, but what this CD teaches is that your are in control.. and when I first started hearing it.. It did not work all that well. But now after a while, I go deeper and deeper into relaxation.. and this guys words have an amazing effect on me and I'm not kidding. Just wanted to throw this info out there for you.

 

I am embarrassed to feel things so intensely, because there isn't a place for it.

 

Do NOT be embarrassed you are human and humans have feelings.

 

Mea:)

Edited March 18, 2010 by Meaplus3

[torranceshipman]

Interesting question! This might sound a bit random but...hows your diet and exercise regime? Both can impact your emotional health and levels of serotonin (a 'happy' chemical) and endorphins in your body, and too much sugar and caffeine can make you feel fatigued, snappy, tired and emotional. Regular exercise can really manage your general emotional response too, making you calmer and happier on a daily basis.

[blind_otter]

Interesting question! This might sound a bit random but...hows your diet and exercise regime? Both can impact your emotional health and levels of serotonin (a 'happy' chemical) and endorphins in your body, and too much sugar and caffeine can make you feel fatigued, snappy, tired and emotional. Regular exercise can really manage your general emotional response too, making you calmer and happier on a daily basis.

 

I a bit of a nazi about my diet - I'm all about whole foods. I can't even really handle the caffeine in green tea all that well, but I admit that I do use coffee like a drug, as a pick me up when I am really tired. I also eat mostly organic, I eat free range eggs. I think that if you take violence into you it's bad for you.

 

I haven't had a great appetite lately, and to be honest with you - I haven't slept more than 3 hours in a row in over 2 years. Not since my son was born. I did all the nighttime parenting, and he continues to be a restless sleeper and still wakes up 2-4 times a night. On the nights he wakes up more than twice he ends up just sleeping in bed with me because I get tired of getting up and going into his room, but he is a restless sleeper and he will roll on top of me or kick me in the throat in his sleep.

 

I think really the sleep thing is sort of slowly driving me insane. It's like that Viet Cong torture trick where they would watch the POWs and let them fall asleep and then wake them up right when they started REM.

 

Now, recently my son slept a 6 hour block a few times. I'm hoping this will happen more frequently and then I can start to actually sleep...because I'm so used to waking up every coupla hours that I just...do, now. I can't help it. I've conditioned myself.

 

I get some exercise regularly, I have to take my son outside every day, or to an indoor playground, he is high energy and very outgoing and sociable and extroverted. I, OTOH, am extremely introverted, so this is very exhausting.

[SaintDragon]

This is a skill that many men have cultivated.

 

Not this guy:) I very much would love to have more control over my emotions....I get bent and when I do I usually get bent the entire way down. It would be nice to remain calm and figure it out before going to extremes.

 

I'm a girl as far as my emotional status. I hate it.

[alphamale]

How do you control this, even when you are going through difficult times in your personal life? I don't want to continue emotionally vomiting all over everyone who is with in a 10 ft radius.

i don't know. i think girls would be better equipped to assist

[blind_otter]

i don't know. i think girls would be better equipped to assist

 

Why was this statement oddly soothing to me?

[alphamale]

Why was this statement oddly soothing to me?

i don't know

[blind_otter]

Anyways, the ring thing was working well, and then I took it off and left it at my mom's house and I've been feeling relatively OK since then. I'm sure it's temporary.