mandrews1119 Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Note: this was originally posted on another thread but moved to its own as it doesn't pertain to the original thread's topic. Original thread here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t31165/ Midori, Who broke up with who in your relationship? How long were you together? How long since the breakup? I have run into several couples that reunited after 3,and 8 yrs. and one couple who were on their way to something after almost 20 apart. i'd like to factor in your situation. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Hi mandrews, That stuff just doesn't matter to me anymore. The point is that I've moved on, I'm not looking for the old relationship to be rekindled. I don't want it anymore. So in the rather unlikely event that my ex and I ever did get back together, it would be because circumstances (his, primarily) had dramatically changed. In other words, it would be because his path intersected with mine again, at a future point, not because we met up again where we'd previously parted. And since you can't predict the future, there's not much point in dwelling on factors like who broke up with whom (he with me), or for how long we've been apart (three years). Not trying to be quelling, but I think you've missed the point I was trying to make in the other thread: as long as you're dwelling on the past and trying to forecast the possibility of recapturing it, you're not going to find happiness in the present, or in the future. Moreover, I don't think that other people's situations can be useful for anything other than superstitious hope. Yep, happy reunions can and do happen. But they are at least as likely to not happen. That would be like trying to justify playing the Lottery by polling past winners about their strategies and habits, while ignoring the vast majority of players who have not won despite years of devoted playing. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Hi, I agree with midori ... you cannot want to resume the old relationship. for what ever reasons it was dysfunctional with negative memories for either side. all you can do is take the reasons why and work on yourself to ensure that you do not repeat in the future. you need to find and be yourself in a process of continual improvment and if you meet the ex it is this new you that must be shown. initially all your good intentions will have no impact against the negative memories as that is the exs perception of reality, and it is that perception that you need to dispell through positive action. your reality and the exs reality are far apart and the truth is somewhere in the middle ... but it is not the truth that matters it is the exs perception of the truth. you cannot fight, argue, justify against this truth. you must look at their reality and take note of the negatives. if you consider them justified in any form and you think that they could be correct in some form then you must ask yourself 'am i prepared to change this negative?' if so then do it, if not and you feel it is asking too much and unreasonable then move on. if by luck or fate or whatever you meet again in the future then it is these negatives and the exs reality of the past that they will compare the new to and if it attracts them then you will have a new relationship ... not the old one. do not look back regretting the past as you cannot undo that ... it is the present and the future that you can make. love is magical and you cannot plan it or make it happen ... it just does when you least expect it. make a list of the what you think are the justified negatives and fix yourself ... because if they are justified any future relationships will most probably judge you by these factors also. cheers ... Link to post Share on other sites
monkey Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Hi, I do agree with you Caringtoomuch, but also i disagree with something. If a couple seperate, wether permanent or to give the other temporary space, there are obviously lots of things going around in the mind of both parties, both of which are total opposites. The person not wanting seperation will dwell a lot on the past memories of great times they had, the love they shared over the time together & why has it come to this. The person wanting the seperation will be thinking of the reasons they want this situation & the negative aspects, so you are correct that moving on & taking the faults, improving yourself & using that in the next relationship. However if someone has faults & they are to blame for the seperation, (depending on the severity & other chances had) this person can work on these faults & if they still love this person & there is an oppertunity to show their change over time, they should go for it! Nothing ventured nothing gained. Time changes people. When i met my gf, she never wanted anyone & that i should not be her friend because it may give me false hope, i said ok, lets be friends & i persevered & we did things as friends, time changed her & 15 months later, still together. For the same reason, i live in hope now because i'm giving her space because i've had a problem with panic attacks & my gf has been there for me, although at times i not know why because i wasn't the person she fell in love with, she was more like my nurse. If roles were reversed, i would have done the same for her & these things should strengthen a relationship. She has told me that she wants time , i need to get better & then we'll meet again, we are in email contact. I love her so much & i know she realises this wasn't something i could help & that same person she fell in love this is still there. When we meet, it won't be the same it will be moving forward, taking experiences from the past & will be a new start hopefully! This being the only reason for the seperation & her needing time, which is a great heeler. But if you just give up on someone that you love you will never know what could be. Never say never & when someones been with someone for a time, it's an advantage when starting again because they know each other. Relationships should be worked on as they were years ago, my grandparents were married 66 years, i'm sure they had a fiew bust ups, but they worked on it & didn't let little things get between them. If you think it's worth it, prove it to them. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Monkey, I wasnt saying to find the faults and fix them and then to move to someone new. i was saying that if the faults attributed to you by her reality are reasonable and justifyable and you are haapy to make those changes in yourself then do it. but waht i am saying is that you may make these changes and still she may not want you back due to her negative memories. yes go for it but you cannot make her change her mind ... fix yourself and then present the new you ... if she is attracted then the magic will return ... but tis will be a new beginning not a continuance of the old. if she decides not to come back you have still made a valuable investment in yourself that will help in future relationships. all i meant was take her negatives about you, decide if they are justified criticisms and then change for the better ... with all the good intentions though the negatives may be too powerful and the risk too great for her. once bitten twice shy ... it is not a quick thing to prove you have changed and to be trusted again ... if it is right then go for it ... be patient, but do it for yourself not for just getting her back. but remember the risk you are taking ... all this work and you still may be hurt at the end ... that is why you must do it for you and not for possible reconciliation with this particular girl. have fun ... cheers Link to post Share on other sites
Author mandrews1119 Posted January 12, 2004 Author Share Posted January 12, 2004 I do very much agree that the relationship cannot live in the past if it is to have a chance in the present or future. The only thing you can have from the past is the fact that the two of you know you can be happy, all things considered. Obviously the reality of the one who leaves is VERY different from the one left. If nothing is done to change that reality, why go back? It is change and go forward, or nothing at all. that is the basis for successful reunifications, when they happen. Of course, nothing is guaranteed, but nothing beats a failure but a try! And is not the one who has left crying out for you TO change? I think leaving is the ultimate statement that "I can't take this anymore" , is it not? I know the msitakes and faults in my case were attributable to me or my behavior, and I have taken care and time to fix them, for me, not just for the hope of her coming back. The fact that she may not come back should be present in your mind at all times. If she doesn't see a new you, why would she try again? the things she loved about us once will still be there, it is the things that drove her away that must be removed. I have, in my case, and hope that if we can reunite, she will still love what she did about the old, and be swept off her feet by the improvements. I shade a bit because if you are making changes - yes, they are for you first, but they must also be made with the relationship you are trying to save in mind too. she has to know you consider her love, feelings and being important enough to HAVE changed. I think we're pretty much on the same page here. Midori, I DON'T want the old relationship back. There were mistakes made on both sides that I don't think either of us wants to repeat. I know for a fact that she has been making changes, as per her remarks to me, and so have I. I see nothing wrong with both of us making those changes, and then consciously making another effort. After all, that is what it is about - facing life and making adjustments together for the betterment of us both. If your relationship doesn't take on a life of its' own so to speak, there is nothing to dedicate yourselves to work at, or for. But you did kind of answer my question. You said that in order for the two of you to reunite, there would have to be changes made. I agree. do you think there were any changes that you would have to make in order for it to work better anew? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Originally posted by mandrews1119 And is not the one who has left crying out for you TO change? I think leaving is the ultimate statement that "I can't take this anymore" , is it not? um, no. Often people leave good relationships because of problems within themselves. Such was the case with the particular ex I referred to in the other thread. Midori, I DON'T want the old relationship back. There were mistakes made on both sides that I don't think either of us wants to repeat. I know for a fact that she has been making changes, as per her remarks to me, and so have I. I see nothing wrong with both of us making those changes, and then consciously making another effort. After all, that is what it is about - facing life and making adjustments together for the betterment of us both. If your relationship doesn't take on a life of its' own so to speak, there is nothing to dedicate yourselves to work at, or for. But you did kind of answer my question. You said that in order for the two of you to reunite, there would have to be changes made. I agree. do you think there were any changes that you would have to make in order for it to work better anew? I think you've read waaaaay too much into the little bit I posted about a defunct relationship I had. I don't think your situation with your ex has much overlap with the one I mentioned, besides the fact that both relationships failed. It doesn't matter whether things could have worked out for me and my ex: I don't want them to now. I used to but I don't anymore. I've grown in the last few years, and for the better, but it had nothing to do with becoming a stronger or wiser person for my ex. In fact, becoming stronger and wiser is part of the reason why I no longer want to be with him. My situation is completely irrelevant to yours. It sounds like you're looking for someone to give you hope that things will work out with your ex the way you'd like them too. In the most general way, I can say sure, why not? I don't speak from personal experience in getting back together with an ex -- because I haven't. And I don't want to! But in theory, sure. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mandrews1119 Posted January 12, 2004 Author Share Posted January 12, 2004 Nope, you got me wrong! I am not looking for hope for my own situation, you make your own hope,your own life, your own future. I am simply curious as to what comes from whom and individual perspectives, it usually gives a little insight as to where people are coming from when they post. Just curious, that's all.!! I do agree that sometimes people leave because of problems within themselves, things happen. My take is that you obviously DON'T want things to work with your situation, that is your choice. I was curious as to why. It's real simple, some people want things to work, some don't. In either case, there are reasons why. That is one reason I don't generalize - each story is unique unto itself. I don't transpose my personal feelings or situation onto the ones I read here. some I agree with, others I don't - but they are other people's lives to do what they feel. Being an optimist however, I am curious as to why other people feel the way they do. There is absolutely nothing wrong in my opinion in NOT wanting to get back together with an ex, that is your choice to make, your opinion to have. We are the sum of our experiences. I just like to hear where people are coming from, the insight adds to my own understanding of people and of life. If all there was to consider was my own opinion, I think that would be rather closed minded, and that is the last thing I choose to be. I felt you sounded rather hard edged and sharp, and I wondered why. Now, I have a better understanding as to why. Seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave, wise men say. Understanding the point of views of others (especially the women who visit this site) help us guys to better know how the other side thinks and feels, and that can only be a good thing to apply in our own lives. My regards, and I wish you the best in all you do. Link to post Share on other sites
werty Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 just wana ask, how can u let her know or let her see that u have changed if she wont even allow you to call her, or even see her? Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 werty, become an international rock star and she'll come runnin' or win the lottery and publicise it! Link to post Share on other sites
werty Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 hahaha... that would be a hell lotta fun....!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 but remember the risk you are taking ... all this work and you still may be hurt at the end ... that is why you must do it for you and not for possible reconciliation with this particular girl. I think everyone should really think about this statement. I have always lived by it and it has brought me success in my life in many ways. This is not applied to just relationship issues, but to everything you do - improve yourself because you want to, not because your bf/gf/ex/boss/mom/dad/uncle/teacher/prof told you to. In fact, becoming stronger and wiser is part of the reason why I no longer want to be with him. I agree completely with midori. Looking back at all the relationships I have been in, and even from people I have dated, I have always become a better person because the relationship failed and I learned more about myself and about why the relationship failed and what to remember for the next time. There is always a reason why relationships end and you have to face the reality of that. I have never gone back to an ex for that reason - if it failed once, then it'll fail again. The only exception is the one described in midori's first response where she said that a couple can be reunited if their paths cross at some point in time in the future, not because they wanted to pick up where they left off, but to start new again. I think some people here may not have completely understood this (and I hope I have interpreted properly), but she means that if by chance, you were to meet the ex almost as if they were a completely new person in the future, as if you had never known them before, then there could be a possibility of things working out again. Link to post Share on other sites
trulyme Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Im sorry but I have to strongly disagree with the statement of, ' if you broke up once you will break up again". I was at barnes and noble picking up a book and I was in the relationship section and noticed this book with a little fact noted on the back. It said," 80% of all successful relationships have separated at one time or another". That is marriage and everything. I personally know of 3 couples very close to me, 2 of them are married and one in going on 5 years of dating.............but guess what?? All 3 of them have broken up one time or another. Breaking up is a very good way to analize your relationship from a different perspective. Without the influence of that person still at your side. Thus, you are getting a very objective point of view on the relationship. Also, break ups either make you realize that what you had is not as special as you thought, or it is the one you can't live without. Truly Link to post Share on other sites
determined Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 how long were these couples seperated? Did they have relationships inbetween? How old were they? Link to post Share on other sites
trulyme Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Well, I was just showing an example that it does happen and there are success stories. I think we need more of those around her anyways. But I also think that is more of an incentive to go out and meet more women, and if your still thinking about the ex, then you know that she is probably a keeper. The 5 year relationship, they actually broke up for about a year. They are plainning a wedding. But we'll see because the leash that she gives him is not very long, but he seems to like it like that. Can't get this guy to go to the clubs with us if we paid him. He responds with," you know im married man" when he really isnt yet. The other 2 I am not sure. I know that they broke up for sometime though. Better yourself, meet more women. If you guys cross paths again or feel like you have some unfinished business and that is a mutual feeling, then see what happens. When you eat a steak at outback, you say dang that is one good steak. How would you even know that steak is the best until you have tried steak from other places. Find some more flavors out there man, and if outback still has the best tasting one, then maybe you can go eat there again!! Truly Link to post Share on other sites
Author mandrews1119 Posted January 12, 2004 Author Share Posted January 12, 2004 I agree with you, Truly.! There are reasons FOR unsuccessful reunions, just as there are for breakups in the first place. If you didn't or don't do the things that lead to success, you are possibly setting up for failure. I have seen people get back together (planned) after as long as several years apart. If you breakup and don't address the problems and correct them, then chances are you may repeat those mistakes, in the same relationship, or in a new one. The key is to try to fix what was wrong and better yourself, whether you get the chance to reunite or not. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 So you go to Outback and you like the steak. The steak is the best steak you have ever had and you've had a variety of steaks. So you decide that the outback steak meets your needs. You go to outback every time you need steak. You are happy. The steak is good. If you are always looking for a better steak, you will never be happy with the one you have or the one you love. If you get bored with the outback steak, why not pour some A-1 on it. Spice it up a bit. Give it a back rub. (oops) Some people like to spend quality time with their steak. Personally I find that the more I grow accustomed to a particular steak, the better I like it. Link to post Share on other sites
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