fit Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 (edited) Hi folks. Been reading up on some of the posts here and it looks like a great group of people. So heres my story... Im married with 2 kids...turning 40 this year. We have a 5 year old and a 5 month old. My wife and I were both working and we were able to live comfortably. I was able to save money and we went on vacation and generally money was never an issue. She had her money (which she never saved...just bought whatever she wanted but still paid her share of things) and I had my money--I saved some and spent some. She got fired from her job, basically couldnt deal with the stress of it and freaked out at work and they fired her. This was almost 2 years ago....about a year into her not working she started pushing hard for another baby. I told her no and we had major fights and even talked divorce...but that died down. We went back and forth on it for awhile and as she started getting older it was becoming now or never time. She said if we had another baby she would be the best wife ever--dinner every night, sex all the time etc etc. And of course all would be well when she went back to work. Fast forward to today...we had the baby (well she did...I just held her hand..lol) and it has been a major stressor on our relationship. The biggest being is she is saying she does NOT want to go back to work for like 5 YEARS. She said she cant think of the thought of someone else raising our kid(even though our other child flew threw daycare and is a happy healthy well adjusted kid). Her unemployment recently ran out and I don't make enough to meet our monthly expenses without dipping into savings. If I would have known she was going to do this I would have NEVER had a second child. I earn a good living but not good enough to pay for our large house and other things. Not to mention I now cant save a dime. The promise of dinner every night ? nope. sex every night ? nada...try twice a month if that. Add to the fact that shes let herself go by packing on an extra 50 lbs. Her solution is to watch kids out of our home. Which I dont want because I see she can barely handle the 2 kids we have now. I can only imagine the out of control woman I will come home to if she has to deal with anything more than she has already. So I married someone who was fit, independent and ambitious. Now I have the exact opposite...it s bull...it really is. I know we are supposed to love till /death...but what if everything you loved about a person they suddenly decide to change ? Edited March 18, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 she sure blew smoke up your rearend:D Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Start looking at dropping you house and moving your family into an apartment and make your wife a part of the selection process but not part of the DECISION process... unless she wants to help with the bills. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 she sure blew smoke up your rearend:D I agree with this. What to do? Downsize and hope she doesn't want another baby when the 5 year mark comes up. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 She said if we had another baby she would be the best wife ever--dinner every night, sex all the time etc etc. And of course all would be well when she went back to work. Having already had one baby, I'm surprised either of you could have this conversation without a knowing laugh. Even couples/wives who normally have lots of sex and homecooked meals each night struggle to have any sex and any homecooked meals in the first few months with a newborn. Sex twice a month is more than my partner and I managed when our babies were small, even when we both really wanted it! Why were you willing to believe that another baby would equal more sex and more dinners on the table? I suspect you knew that was an empty promise. Ok, yeah, she sold you a bill of goods. But, dude, I've got a great bridge I could sell you..... The baby will grow. 5 years will fly by. You need to work together to find ways to meet your family's financial needs right now. Downsizing is a completely valid option, although could be tough in today's real estate market. In the meantime, take charge of the birth control to make sure there are no more babies. Link to post Share on other sites
SarahRose Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 down size and go get snipped Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 she didn't sell you anything... marriages and relationships are not static, they develop with time. You agreed to those changes, you weren't forced to agree. And did you really believe that with a second child everything would be hunky dory? You just doubled you workload, mate! How could that be possible? Maybe in five years' time... I do understand why you are angry about her job, though. Having said that, you are not a mother and you don't understand what it means. When I married my wife, she was the "executive" type and I thought she was going to make loads of money... How wrong I was! She hated it. She changed jobs (we had to remortgage for that) and now she earns a fraction... we could have been financially better off, but I agreed to the change, because I wanted to see her happy. Have you ever tried to support her instead of being so resentful? Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Are you sure that she did this deliberately, or maybe she has a depression or other issue? I didn't know that being considered a "good wife" was based on homecooked meals and sex every night. Link to post Share on other sites
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I didn't know that being considered a "good wife" was based on homecooked meals and sex every night. It's those things and more. Only thing for the OP to do is lose his job too. A man should never let his wife quit her job. Bad idea for the marriage and for the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 It's those things and more. Only thing for the OP to do is lose his job too. A man should never let his wife quit her job. Bad idea for the marriage and for the divorce. If they have to downsize to a smaller house for 5 years is not going to be the end of the world... Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 If they have to downsize to a smaller house for 5 years is not going to be the end of the world... But what happens when the 5 years turns into 15, like it has with you? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 But what happens when the 5 years turns into 15, like it has with you? lol... I wish it was only matter of downsizing... You have a point, but then it would be up to the OP to make sure there is some kind of fixed timescale... anyway, if you really want my opinion, this relationship seems doomed to me... Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 lol... I wish it was only matter of downsizing... You have a point, but then it would be up to the OP to make sure there is some kind of fixed timescale... anyway, if you really want my opinion, this relationship seems doomed to me... I wonder if I read LS to give me perspective on my marriage as was my original intent. I came thinking I had a real issue about while not a 'sexless marriage', one that was surely disappointing on that front. I have got few answers to my continual question that orgasm=good, thus should result in more..... What I have found however, is that really I am one of the very lucky ones and have a much better marriage then most. As to the OP, I can't begin to fathom the issues going forward, money/sex/children/spouse who has let herself go and may have some serious issues that require counseling. He has hit the perfecta (and I say it feeling sadness) and needs to get his feelings in order and figure out what needs to be done, because his spouse right now can't (or won't) help. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 . So I married someone who was fit, independent and ambitious. Now I have the exact opposite...it s bull...it really is. I forgot to mention the "fit" issue; your screen name make me wonder how much of the issue is really her weight. Your baby is only 5 months old! That is unreasonably soon to conclude that she won't return to her fit self. Is she nursing? And it is very difficult to be ambitious and independent as the mother of 2 young kids. Kids grow. There is a season for everything. 5 years turning into 15 years would be an issue....but not something you can predict at 5 months postpartum! Low sex drive and little energy is completely normal at 5 months postpartum. A divorce will not improve your financial situation. And, let's face it...you'll probably end up with another woman who wants kids of her own Kids always strain a relationship (and stepkids more so). The next relationship won't be smoother. It sounds like you and your wife have some pretty significant communication issues to work through, and haven't been completely upfront with each other about your ideals and expectations. Counseling might help a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Counseling might help a lot. Finally, the C word! I do agree with the lack of communication and with the need of counselling... maybe you will be able to sort out your differences and find a compromise... OMG, another C word! BTW, the weight issue is just ridiculous... the baby is only 5 months old! Link to post Share on other sites
blair08 Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 "A man should never let his wife quit her job." Yeah, and a woman should never LET a man tell her what she can and can not do. Link to post Share on other sites
Whateverelse Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I agree with the others that 5 months after a baby is born is too soon to be lamenting your sex life; i've had two, and know from experience; if anything you were astoundingly naive in believing that a second child will result in more sex; there is simply no precedent for it out there and i am not sure how you could have not known that. its not fraud if the so-called misrepresentation is inherently unbelievable, as this one was. your wife is under the dillusion that she can have everything in your salary. you should take her on an apartment hunting trip. there is little more depressing than moving from a nice house with a yard on a quite street to a cramped two bedroom apartment with a playground on the other side of the complex; the realization of how her life is going to change might wake her up. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Doctor for physical Counselor for marital help Lawyer for options Don't sit on this. It will eat you if you do. Part of being a man is knowing when to lead. Accept the results. Get going. Welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Doctor for physical Counselor for marital help Lawyer for options Don't sit on this. It will eat you if you do. Part of being a man is knowing when to lead. Accept the results. Get going. Welcome to LS Oh yes, by all means, call a damn lawyer. While you are at it, find a younger model, leave your wife and children and move on with your life. Good grief, can't anything else be done before he calls in the damn lawyer? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Lawyers are advisers. They are legal counselors. Marriage is a business partnership. Trust me, I've paid them enough and am going through a divorce, so I know. Better to get good advice early and make reasoned, win-win decisions, IMO. Notice I listed the lawyer last. There's a reason for that Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Put all the cards on the table about the budget including savings. As the main bread winner, you are in charge of the financial plans and future of your family. Include a timeline. Discuss options. If she is not working, you have to downsize your home. Regarding her wanting to run a home based child care center....discuss licenses, insurance, and taxes. Tell her is she does not want to downsize the house, if she wants her kids to go to college, if she wants to ever have any kind of retirement plan...she has to go back to work. If she refuses, ask her to make her own budget and financial plan. Then the two of you can take a look at that. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Another tip: Don't pursue. A man who pursues (not in the romantic sense but the practical sense) a marital partner is seen as weak. Discussions are fine but don't expend your own energy to do her work for her. She has a fully formed brain and can do it herself. Resist the urge to 'fix it'. Do what is healthy for yourself and your perspective on the M. If there is bend, it must be mutual. IMO, you've bent plenty. Link to post Share on other sites
WalkInThePark Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 HiHer solution is to watch kids out of our home. Which I dont want because I see she can barely handle the 2 kids we have now. I can only imagine the out of control woman I will come home to if she has to deal with anything more than she has already. Oh no, don't accept that she does this. My xMM set up that kind of business for his W and all that happened was that after a year she took an overdose of sleeping pills because she could not deal with the stress anymore. So they hired an employee who does the bulk of the work and the W is just sitting at home being lazy. And xMM has to do all the administration and accounting of this business, apart from his hectic fulltime job. Don't do this. She'll be stressed out in no time and all the hard work will have to be done by you. Link to post Share on other sites
kevinconner Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Ok, take a deep breath and step away from the phone. No calls, nothing to do...yet. Each wrong decision you make from this point forward is going to take twice as long to undo. First tell yourself that you still have options. Some of us on here are out of options. 1. If its your pride that makes you want to keep the house, remember it will be your pride that may ruin your marriage. 2. Think hard and long about how to bring up the house and expenses. Don't just blurt it out. Do it in a careful way, level headed, well thought out. 3. When telling her the house is too much, tell her, that you would like for the both of you to work together and find something more afordable. Make an appointment THE NEXT DAY to see something more in your range. 4. Ignore her weight. She'll bounce back. If you say anything, or hint that you do not like her size, her resentment will build up as well. That my friend is a ticking time bomb if both of you have resentment building. 5. Get the book, "Too good to stay, too bad to leave." An eye opener. You'll read and find out that it really isn't as bad as you think. 6. Start working on yourself. Find new things to do. Get out. Go out. And when you do, say to yourself, "...this is what it could be like. 100% on my own. Nobody to ask permission." And see how this fits when you walk in the door and see your kids. Remember...you won't get to see them but only on the weekends if you get the big D. 7. Try this. Get things at home settled, and then start pulling away. Again, to try it on for size. See if she can sense this and what it does to her. Now times that by 100 for what she'll be like if you vanish with a D. 8. If she loves you, and if she sees that you are miserable, and if you can show that you are still committed to your children, she MAY start to see that you would be happier alone. This is a long shot, but you first have to show her your true self, with her love intact, so that she can be mature enough to realize that the love is gone. 9. Odd rule that I've found that helps. If you are married 5 years, give it another 5 before you toss in the towel. 10? Give it 10. A very large study was done with married couples who were miserable. It found that on average, if BOTH were miserable but both still in love, then in less than 3 years things turned around. If only one is miserable, it never turns around. So maybe see her weight gain, frustration with life, income stuff as a sign she too is hurting inside. I wish you the best of luck. You have the trifecta of issues and that doesn't happen often. Be a man and step up to the plate and take care of the issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 she knows I hang here in her way, but she hates these sites and "Dear Abbey" type columns.... Anyways I told her of this post and her response was "get your own place, doubt things will improve". While not floored, was surprised at her 'matter of fact' analysis of the situation... Link to post Share on other sites
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