When your wife sells you a bill of goods...

[xxoo]

I would advise against making any life-altering decisions (marriage, divorce) in the first year after a new baby is added to the family. It is always a time of adjustment, stress, and change, and you (and she!) will likely see things differently in a few months.

 

Could she have post-partum depression?

[spriggig]

Fit, it's time for you to grow up, take responsibility for your half of the marriage and fulfill your commitment to your wife and kids. Man-up.

[nddb]

It's obvious you feel that your inputs are ignored. This will eat you up over time.

 

Time to talk to MC.

 

Lawyers are the next step.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Fit, it's time for you to grow up, take responsibility for your half of the marriage and fulfill your commitment to your wife and kids. Man-up.

 

Looks like he is pulling his weight and she has not held up her end. Could be ppd, or just reckless spending or indifference. Yep, he needs to figure out where they go from here, because she sounds pretty content with the status-quo (of course that being there is money and he is still there).

[fit]

Fit, it's time for you to grow up, take responsibility for your half of the marriage and fulfill your commitment to your wife and kids. Man-up.

What exactly does that mean ?

Man up ?

Is manning up accepting the fact that she wont go back to work after we bought a house together that we could only afford with two incomes ?

 

Is manning up accepting the fact that she put on 50 lbs and isnt showing any signs of ever taking it off...I understand pregnancy puts on weight but shes not even making an effort..shes been clear to exercise for about 4 months.

 

Is manning up allowing her to run a daycare out of our house when she cant even handle the two kids she has now ? All I hear about is how hard her life is raising the kids...etc. While I acknowledge it IS hard to raise kids---I would rather pay someone 200 dollars a week to do it and have her earning some money. She's too blinded to see that she CANT handle her everyday life and taking in more kids would be a DISASTER.

 

Ive always liked the saying "Man Up"...it applies to when your playing a pick up game and you need to take a hard foul. It applies to when someone tackles you in football and you have to get up for the next play.

It DOESN'T apply to this situation.

And my username is fit because its the only thing in my life I have total control of...being fit. You put work in...you get results. No matter how much work I put into my marriage it seems all I am getting is frustration. It seems like I may have married the wrong person for me...

[hopesndreams]

No mention of love or being supportive and then at the end of your latest post, this

 

It seems like I may have married the wrong person for me...

 

You want a woman to bring home the bacon, make your life picture perfect and have someone else raise your children. You sound so angry! She needs your emotional and financial support right now and things can turn around for you both eventually. Maybe next month, next year even but it sounds to me like you can't man up and get through a tough period in your marriage.

 

She's depressed and was depressed before both of you agreed to bring another child into this world. Things aren't going to plan and you want to bail on your W and precious children? Babies are stressful, they are not all coos and giggles and she wants to be a mother to her children, which to some women, means being at home and actually raising them.

 

As for her 50 pd weight gain, 5 months after having a baby, hahaha, Mr. fit, you may not like it much but neither does she!! It can take 2 years for a woman's body can get back to "normal" after having a baby. After the 1st child she sprung back into shape but it's more difficult after the 2nd.

[carhill]

She said if we had another baby she would be the best wife ever--dinner every night, sex all the time etc etc. And of course all would be well when she went back to work

 

Like I said, make that doctor appointment today.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What did you guys do with the five year old when he/she was younger and your W was still working? Did that child go to day care?

[xxoo]

All I hear about is how hard her life is raising the kids...etc. While I acknowledge it IS hard to raise kids---I would rather pay someone 200 dollars a week to do it and have her earning some money. .

 

You can't pay people to raise your kids. Moms who use daycare still feel tremendous pressure to meet their kids' needs--maybe more pressure, because they spend fewer hours with them.

 

Some women feel more stressed as stay-home moms, and others feel more stressed as working moms. It is possible she isn't feeling capable of working outside the home at this point AND meeting the needs of two children. You both sound (reasonably) overwhelmed! That could easily change within the next year. Or, that could change with a dr appt and appropriate meds, if she is indeed depressed.

 

In this situation, man-up means facing that you jumped into having a baby with two feet and open eyes. If you believed a new baby would mean more sex, you were kidding yourself. You both have a responsibility to these children. The first year with a new baby is always tough. Compromise (both of you), make it work, and reevaluate in a year or so.

 

Kids and pregnancy never come with guarantees. Pregnancy and birth can be debilitating; children can have special needs that crush the family finances. Being an adult--a parent--means accepting the risks and dealing with the hand you are dealt. Yours isn't so bad, and will likely look very, very different in 6-12 months.

[fit]

What did you guys do with the five year old when he/she was younger and your W was still working? Did that child go to day care?

Yep. And shes the most well adjusted beautiful little girl you will ever meet. So its not like Daycare is something we aren't familiar with.

That was the game plan when we discussed having a second...its unfair to flip the script at this point.

[carhill]

Changing one's mind is intrinsic to human freedom of will. It also has consequences. I hope your wife realizes this before it costs the marriage. 'Unfair' and 'unacceptable' are relevant, as is responsibility for not delivering on the goods one has sold. As I like to say, own it.

[MissGoLightly]

 

Is manning up allowing her to run a daycare out of our house when she cant even handle the two kids she has now ? All I hear about is how hard her life is raising the kids...etc. While I acknowledge it IS hard to raise kids---I would rather pay someone 200 dollars a week to do it and have her earning some money. She's too blinded to see that she CANT handle her everyday life and taking in more kids would be a DISASTER.

 

I only read this far in your thread....

 

Clearly you know more about your financial situation than I do, however, something to think about, if you haven't already thoroughly analyzed this situation is this: I am friends with probably....15 or 16 couples, that I can think of off the top of my head, who CAN afford daycare for ONE child, while both parents are working...but have found that TWO or MORE kids in daycare is unaffordable with BOTH parents working, and it is cheaper and more affordable for the wife to quit her job, and to stay home with the children.

 

If I were you I would be thinking about the best way to sustain my family, which might be to live in a less expensive home and have your wife stay home with the children.

 

And it may not be. But you need to consider all options, and work out all scenarios.

[DaisyLeigh]

Yep. And shes the most well adjusted beautiful little girl you will ever meet. So its not like Daycare is something we aren't familiar with.

That was the game plan when we discussed having a second...its unfair to flip the script at this point.

 

 

Be prepared for that well-adjusted little girl to be not so well-adjusted if you leave your wife and children.

 

You make some good points. Your wife definitely has some issues. You guys could use some help. But to me, she seems to be depressed as hell and you seem awfully fast to throw in the towel.

 

Does she have ANY redeeming qualities? Do you ever compliment her? Try to make her feel like she is worth your time and effort?

[DaisyLeigh]

I only read this far in your thread....

 

Clearly you know more about your financial situation than I do, however, something to think about, if you haven't already thoroughly analyzed this situation is this: I am friends with probably....15 or 16 couples, that I can think of off the top of my head, who CAN afford daycare for ONE child, while both parents are working...but have found that TWO or MORE kids in daycare is unaffordable with BOTH parents working, and it is cheaper and more affordable for the wife to quit her job, and to stay home with the children.

 

If I were you I would be thinking about the best way to sustain my family, which might be to live in a less expensive home and have your wife stay home with the children.

 

And it may not be. But you need to consider all options, and work out all scenarios.

 

 

I totally agree with this. I know very few couples where people can afford daycare for two or more kids.

 

A smaller house would not be the end of the world.

[spriggig]

Manning up means putting aside your petty concerns about the box you live in--sell it, it's just a box--and her recent weight gain and loving her for who she is.

 

Remember? "For better or worse"? This is your wife you're talking about.

 

I hit a nerve with my response, why?

 

Search yourself.

[DaisyLeigh]

Manning up means putting aside your petty concerns about the box you live in--sell it, it's just a box--and her recent weight gain and loving her for who she is.

 

Remember? "For better or worse"?

 

I hit a nerve with my response, why?

 

Search yourself.

 

 

A lot of men on this forum seem to be forgetting that part of the vows, that is for sure. It is sad that marriage seems to be so disposable these days.

[spriggig]

My wife of 12 years and mother of our 11 year old son, informed me she want's a divorce 10 weeks ago.

 

We don't appreciate what we have until it's gone.

 

If my wife wanted to do something I thought was stupid I would support her and be there to cheer when she succeeded or to catch her when she failed. She can spend all our money, ruin my credit and leave us as poor as beggers--as long as it's *US*, I don't care.

[ladydesigner]

Do you think your wife could possibly have postpartum depression? It can be debilitating. Even regular depression is debilitating. It could be the sudden change in her thoughts about staying at home vs daycare. Have you let her know that staying at home may not be a financial option at this time? As far as her body give it a little time, if she's depressed she won't want to work on it. Maybe you could offer to watch the kids while she goes to the gym. Working out helps a person feel better emotionally as well as the physical benefits. I think you can find resolution on this.

[stillafool]

If your wife was so stressed out she lost her job, is so stressed out she can hardly take care of two little children, how do you expect her to hold down a job in a high career which makes 6 figures. She will have to work long hours and what about your kids then? They are supposed to see money at 9PM and she is so exhausted from work, may have homework to do, etc.

 

When children arrive most people know they have to make major sacrificies for their good. Sorry guy, but this is you have to sacrifice for the good of your family. So many men and women have to make these choices everyday for the good of their family. You wanted children also didn't you?

 

It's far more important to live in a smaller home and be able to save your extra money for the kids education because as they age their costs will go up and you will need the savings.

[fit]

If your wife was so stressed out she lost her job, is so stressed out she can hardly take care of two little children, how do you expect her to hold down a job in a high career which makes 6 figures. She will have to work long hours and what about your kids then? They are supposed to see money at 9PM and she is so exhausted from work, may have homework to do, etc.

 

When children arrive most people know they have to make major sacrificies for their good. Sorry guy, but this is you have to sacrifice for the good of your family. So many men and women have to make these choices everyday for the good of their family. You wanted children also didn't you?

 

It's far more important to live in a smaller home and be able to save your extra money for the kids education because as they age their costs will go up and you will need the savings.

Sound advice stillAfool.

I'm not looking for her to make 100k...I would be happy with 40k. I just want her to work...we would only have one kid in daycare..the other will be in kindergarten.

As far as her weight gain...well that does suck but that can work itself out. Im sure she will get back on track when the baby isnt so needy.

As far as the house...SHE does not want to move as we live right near all her family. So the options she is giving me are...

 

Run a daycare center(which she cant handle and I am VERY opposed to)

Work nights and weekends(being I work days why bother even being married)

or dont work at all.

 

Does this make anything clearer for you guys ?

I would move if needed...but she is being very difficult. Because I wont agree to her first options she is saying I am being unreasonable.

Trust me people...she would NEVER be able to handle any more kids.

[dreamingoftigers]

One of the things I noticed was that she had repeatedly mentioned being stressed. Stressed by work and stressed by raising kids all of the time. You have also mentioned that you paid for daycare for the first one and would gladly pay someone else to raise your kids as long as she was working making money.

 

You may not be aware of this, but stay at home moms work the equivalent of two full-time jobs. I have this distinct little inkling that while you are working full-time, something you seem to hold in VERY high regard and working out, that your wife is taking care of ALMOST ALL of the domestic duties.

 

TWO FULL-TIME jobs. I have also heard that women today are particularly exhausted because they do their career during the day and then come home to take of the domestic duties during the night. What are you doing around the house?

 

Women want sex more often then twice a month, and I bet it isn't relaxing, happy sex right now. Do you have an exhausted wife who can't even imagine trying to work up the energy to raise two kids, work full-time and shed the 50 lbs to become your plaything again?

 

Sounds like fun. Maybe you should try to take on the majority of the domestic duties for a week or two just to show her how much she means to you. (I know she doesn't mean that much considering your "I guess I married the wrong person for me" comment, but let's pretend it's like a science experiment).

 

Then maybe you could tell her that you still think she is beautiful for having borne you two beautiful children. See if she gives back.

 

Or you could try giving more threats and ultimatums, those really make a girl hot.

 

Hey, here's another idea.. try making a list of all the things YOU could do to improve your marriage and communication before whining to everyone about how rough your perfectly normal marriage is. Try reading a book on the subject, counseling, or just try growing up and realizing that she's not abusive or cheating on you like so many people in these forums put up with. Many of those people even try to stick around and fix up their marriages. MAN UP. (A term not just used for sports, and more than applicable in this situation).

 

Wanna generate an at-home business income, try a B & B. Less work, less mess, more time to yourself.

 

Usually I am not so harsh, but seriously I get sick of people throwing their spouses under the bus when their life changes.

[MissGoLightly]

Sound advice stillAfool.

I'm not looking for her to make 100k...I would be happy with 40k. I just want her to work...we would only have one kid in daycare..the other will be in kindergarten.

As far as her weight gain...well that does suck but that can work itself out. Im sure she will get back on track when the baby isnt so needy.

As far as the house...SHE does not want to move as we live right near all her family. So the options she is giving me are...

 

Run a daycare center(which she cant handle and I am VERY opposed to)

Work nights and weekends(being I work days why bother even being married)

or dont work at all.

 

Does this make anything clearer for you guys ?

I would move if needed...but she is being very difficult. Because I wont agree to her first options she is saying I am being unreasonable.

Trust me people...she would NEVER be able to handle any more kids.

 

In what world do you live in that you and your wife would both have FT jobs, yet your wife would still be home with her children after daycare/kindergarten is over.

 

IDK about daycare, but I am a teacher and in my area kindergarten programs only run for half a day, either in the am or pm. I do realize that for others it's a full day program.

 

I have never once in my life heard of a REGULAR school program that went later than 3pm (and that is the very latest)...any kids that stay for after school programs only rarely are picked up by parents who work until 4 or 5pm.

 

I'm still giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are more well-informed than I am, but if this is true, that you know of a REGULAR state/program that runs until you or your wife gets out of work, I'm dying to hear about it. For real.

 

Otherwise, you're still looking at either daycare or a babysitter.

[xxoo]

Run a daycare center(which she cant handle and I am VERY opposed to)

Work nights and weekends(being I work days why bother even being married)

or dont work at all.

.

 

Working opposite shifts is a valid option when the children are small. My parents did it. My inlaws did it. My husband and I do it. It is a sacrifice, but it isn't forever. As others have said, sacrifice has always been a part of parenting.

 

Without childcare costs, your wife may not have to work fulltime, so you may be able to find time together. Also, it has the benefits of time alone with the kids for both parents, which can go a long way toward empathy for each other's experiences as workers and parents. And, it makes the time you do spend together that much sweeter . We never take a weekday evening together for granted!

 

Here's the thing: you have options. Working with the baby in daycare is OUT for her (keep in mind she may be more receptive to this in a year or so). Running an at home daycare is OUT for you. Why not try to find a way to make opposite shifts work for your family? If not right now, then maybe in a few months?

[spriggig]

One of the things I noticed was that she had repeatedly mentioned being stressed. Stressed by work and stressed by raising kids all of the time. You have also mentioned that you paid for daycare for the first one and would gladly pay someone else to raise your kids as long as she was working making money.

 

You may not be aware of this, but stay at home moms work the equivalent of two full-time jobs. I have this distinct little inkling that while you are working full-time, something you seem to hold in VERY high regard and working out, that your wife is taking care of ALMOST ALL of the domestic duties.

 

TWO FULL-TIME jobs. I have also heard that women today are particularly exhausted because they do their career during the day and then come home to take of the domestic duties during the night. What are you doing around the house?

 

Women want sex more often then twice a month, and I bet it isn't relaxing, happy sex right now. Do you have an exhausted wife who can't even imagine trying to work up the energy to raise two kids, work full-time and shed the 50 lbs to become your plaything again?

 

Sounds like fun. Maybe you should try to take on the majority of the domestic duties for a week or two just to show her how much she means to you. (I know she doesn't mean that much considering your "I guess I married the wrong person for me" comment, but let's pretend it's like a science experiment).

 

Then maybe you could tell her that you still think she is beautiful for having borne you two beautiful children. See if she gives back.

 

Or you could try giving more threats and ultimatums, those really make a girl hot.

 

Hey, here's another idea.. try making a list of all the things YOU could do to improve your marriage and communication before whining to everyone about how rough your perfectly normal marriage is. Try reading a book on the subject, counseling, or just try growing up and realizing that she's not abusive or cheating on you like so many people in these forums put up with. Many of those people even try to stick around and fix up their marriages. MAN UP. (A term not just used for sports, and more than applicable in this situation).

 

Wanna generate an at-home business income, try a B & B. Less work, less mess, more time to yourself.

 

Usually I am not so harsh, but seriously I get sick of people throwing their spouses under the bus when their life changes.

 

This is what I was trying to say.

[DaisyLeigh]

Working opposite shifts is a valid option when the children are small. My parents did it. My inlaws did it. My husband and I do it. It is a sacrifice, but it isn't forever. As others have said, sacrifice has always been a part of parenting.

 

Without childcare costs, your wife may not have to work fulltime, so you may be able to find time together. Also, it has the benefits of time alone with the kids for both parents, which can go a long way toward empathy for each other's experiences as workers and parents. And, it makes the time you do spend together that much sweeter . We never take a weekday evening together for granted!

 

Here's the thing: you have options. Working with the baby in daycare is OUT for her (keep in mind she may be more receptive to this in a year or so). Running an at home daycare is OUT for you. Why not try to find a way to make opposite shifts work for your family? If not right now, then maybe in a few months?

 

 

I bet it would cut into his workout time.