Author fit Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 Playing Devil's Advocate here - but what if his wife genuinely is just not interested in working and wants to be one of those 'women of leisure' who have husbands who make enough money so that they don't have to work? She likely doesn't feel the pinch, and might be in denial about how much they stand to lose. It is feasible that his wife just doesn't want to work. Call it laziness or entitlement, but there is always that possibility too. I know plenty of people whose primary wish is to not have to work anymore. Perhaps she is one of them? As for her weight, sure she can't be expected to be like one of those celeb moms who "lost all the baby weight in two weeks!!!!! (see various tabloids for details)" but what if she isn't doing ANYTHING to lose weight? Not exercising, not changing her diet, has become sedentary and simply doesn't want to put forth the effort to lose the weight at all? It is all too easy to fall into a "I'll start tomorrow" mindset when it comes to diet/exercise. A good deal of people just think 'f*ck it, I like eating whatever I want and I like not exercising and if my H/W/SO doesn't like it, too bad - we married for better or worse, sicker or poorer - he/she took vows to accept me under any circumstance, and I intend to hold him/her to those vows' Fit's exasperation/anger/frustration are causing people to paint his wife as the victim. What if she isn't? Man you are good...very well said LucreziaBorgia. That is EXACTLY the situation. Its not that my wife has NEVER worked, its that she has stated she doesnt want to work for 5 years. (and its already been 2 so 5 more on top of that) xoxo... I dont expect my wife to be 120 lbs of hotness after giving birth. She had stopped exercising all together for abut 18 months. So it wasnt 50 lbs of "baby weight" To be honest we still have very good sex(both of us ) and I am still very turned on by her. But I know it bothers HER. And it bothers me a) because it bothers her and b) because it does affect our family activities. Does she look as good 50 lbs heavier than she does thin ? I guess not but to be honest it doesn't matter to me really...Im a fan of the curvy Kim Kardashian type body even with a little extra. Call me crazy. Ive really tried communicating with my wife and I think things are improving. We've been having a lot more sex lately so I think some of the communication lines miraculously open up as a result. Cheaper and more fun than therapy So we will see where that goes... Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 I guess you are right. Poor man. He should have filed for divorce, and moved on to find that perfect woman who will never gain an ounce, who will serve his every need and bring in a huge paycheck to boot. There are lot of choices between a huge house and a dumpy apartment. Good grief, do you always think so much in "black and white"? Link Pretty funny. Only 2 pages apart no less. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Does she look as good 50 lbs heavier than she does thin ? I guess not but to be honest it doesn't matter to me really...Im a fan of the curvy Kim Kardashian type body even with a little extra. Call me crazy. That's not crazy. That's hot! Glad to hear you are connecting. That's great. I think I raged a lot on this thread, but maybe didn't offer much helpful advice. So, if you are interested in going forward together, my 2 cents: 1. Determine your priority. Work, dinner, sex (although it sounds like that is improving...remember that it takes time for that libido to return after birth), weight...it is too overwhelming. Focus on ONE issue at a time. 2. Forget about the promise. You have to deal with the realities of being at point A and getting to point B step by step, together. Being resentful about the unkept promise for promise's sake isn't going to help you both move forward, in a strictly practical sense. 3. Assume the best of each other. This is vital for any marriage. If you don't trust each other to have the best intentions, you really have nothing. Assume that she is doing the best she can right now, and needs some support to do better. Help her get that support. She needs to assume that you have the family interest's in mind when you voice your concerns, and take your concerns seriously. 4. remember that this started with her freaking out at work, and thus being fired. Imagine the anxiety that she probably has regarding return to the work force. This is an issue that will need to be addressed: how/why did the initial freak-out occur, how has the resultant firing affected her confidence, and how can she feel capable of succeeding at a new job. I really hope you two work this out. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Dinner and sex every night, and back to work? C'mon guys. Who would ever believe she could deliver all that in the postpartum period? No kidding! Come on, fellas - can we at least all agree that a husband who will agree to bring a second child into this world IN EXCHANGE for the above deal is behaving like someone who needs a serious reality check? Can we not agree that this is probably an unlikely bargain to have really, seriously been struck between a husband and wife? As I said before, there are ALWAYS two sides to every story, and here we ALWAYS hear only one of them. In this case I would bet plenty that the wife has quite a different version. So let's step back from calling the mother of fit's children a fat, lazy deadbeat liar. It's ugly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fit Posted March 23, 2010 Author Share Posted March 23, 2010 No kidding! Come on, fellas - can we at least all agree that a husband who will agree to bring a second child into this world IN EXCHANGE for the above deal is behaving like someone who needs a serious reality check? Can we not agree that this is probably an unlikely bargain to have really, seriously been struck between a husband and wife? As I said before, there are ALWAYS two sides to every story, and here we ALWAYS hear only one of them. In this case I would bet plenty that the wife has quite a different version. So let's step back from calling the mother of fit's children a fat, lazy deadbeat liar. It's ugly. yeah I knew the promise wasnt reality and thats fine. I didnt say I didnt want another child...I just didnt want it nearly as much as her and deep down I questioned her ability to deal with it...and I was right. But we are trying to move past that and we ar progressing...fingers crossed Link to post Share on other sites
Author fit Posted March 23, 2010 Author Share Posted March 23, 2010 No kidding! Come on, fellas - can we at least all agree that a husband who will agree to bring a second child into this world IN EXCHANGE for the above deal is behaving like someone who needs a serious reality check? Can we not agree that this is probably an unlikely bargain to have really, seriously been struck between a husband and wife? As I said before, there are ALWAYS two sides to every story, and here we ALWAYS hear only one of them. In this case I would bet plenty that the wife has quite a different version. So let's step back from calling the mother of fit's children a fat, lazy deadbeat liar. It's ugly. yeah I knew the promise wasnt reality and thats fine. I didnt say I didnt want another child...I just didnt want it nearly as much as her and deep down I questioned her ability to deal with it...and I was right. But we are trying to move past that and we ar progressing...fingers crossed Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Can we not agree that this is probably an unlikely bargain to have really, seriously been struck between a husband and wife? Oh, you have no idea. I signed up for some pretty lousy shyte because I was vulnerable and stbx took advantage of it. Whenever I sniff that manipulative behavior, I call it out. I really don't care if you or anyone here doesn't like it, or me. Women (and men) need to be held accountable for their words, choices and actions. No exceptions, no free rides for hormones. If they're mentally ill, institutionalize them. Take responsibility. This guy's going to pansy out. It will bite him down the road, just like it did me. Good luck with that buddy... Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Pretty funny. Only 2 pages apart no less. Glad you liked it. It is called "sarcasm". Now go play in traffic. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 Oh, you have no idea. I signed up for some pretty lousy shyte because I was vulnerable and stbx took advantage of it. Whenever I sniff that manipulative behavior, I call it out. I really don't care if you or anyone here doesn't like it, or me. Women (and men) need to be held accountable for their words, choices and actions. No exceptions, no free rides for hormones. If they're mentally ill, institutionalize them. Take responsibility. This guy's going to pansy out. It will bite him down the road, just like it did me. Good luck with that buddy... (the bolded) I would say "seriously?", but clearly you are serious. Because you wouldn't say anything unless you were completely serious and prepared keep you word. If the op's wife is suffering from anxiety, depression (general), or postpartum depression, all of these are treatable. She is still valuable and loveable. It sounds like Fit loves his wife despite her struggles and shortcomings, and that is commendable. Institutionalization is more than extreme. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr White Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 Oh, you have no idea. I signed up for some pretty lousy shyte because I was vulnerable and stbx took advantage of it. Whenever I sniff that manipulative behavior, I call it out. I really don't care if you or anyone here doesn't like it, or me. Women (and men) need to be held accountable for their words, choices and actions. No exceptions, no free rides for hormones. If they're mentally ill, institutionalize them. Take responsibility. This guy's going to pansy out. It will bite him down the road, just like it did me. Good luck with that buddy... Give some examples, please?! I'm sure that will help the OP, and certainly others (like me) Link to post Share on other sites
Author fit Posted March 24, 2010 Author Share Posted March 24, 2010 . No exceptions, no free rides for hormones. If they're mentally ill, institutionalize them. Take responsibility. This guy's going to pansy out. It will bite him down the road, just like it did me. Good luck with that buddy... I hear you on many levels dude....but people work thru mental issues without being institutionalized. I believe thats what were doing. Now if my wife gets a job(working on it), works out regularly(doing it), has a lot of sex with me(doing that too)---how am I pansying out ? Now if none of those things are happening....I see your point but not in relation to my recent posts. Now even after all that...whatever issues I have with my wife--it would be EXTREMELY difficult to walk out on my 5 year old daghter who adores me and my little boy. So you try to work things out which is what I am doing. But I understand where you are coming from. How has you not "pansying out" worked out for you ? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 24, 2010 Share Posted March 24, 2010 (edited) How has you not "pansying out" worked out for you I'm out of an unhealthy marriage that damn near killed me. I'm 50 and want to live a good long while yet. Listen, you started the thread with the 'bill of goods' title. You opened the dialogue. You have my opinion, backed up with a bunch of experience and about 5K in MC/psych. I gave it my best shot, then ate the shyte and got out. Do what's best for you. Good luck I've been the care manager and caregiver for a mentally ill person for eight years now who's in a locked institution; someone I love dearly, my mother. Hope that rings some bells for you. Edited March 24, 2010 by carhill Link to post Share on other sites
Mr White Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 I'm out of an unhealthy marriage that damn near killed me. I'm 50 and want to live a good long while yet. Listen, you started the thread with the 'bill of goods' title. You opened the dialogue. You have my opinion, backed up with a bunch of experience and about 5K in MC/psych. I gave it my best shot, then ate the shyte and got out. Do what's best for you. Good luck I've been the care manager and caregiver for a mentally ill person for eight years now who's in a locked institution; someone I love dearly, my mother. Hope that rings some bells for you. I still hope for some examples... The outcome (your conclusions) are useful, but i think they will be particularly useful combined with some (specific) illustrations, if it is not too much trouble.. Link to post Share on other sites
Holding-On Posted March 25, 2010 Share Posted March 25, 2010 Fit, For what it is worth, I went through something similar with my second. I didn't say I'd have supper on the table, sex every night and work but I told him to handle the birth control. He knew what I wanted and... it was bad. Really bad. I had incredibly bad PPD. My youngest wanted nothing to do with a bottle. I couldn't have thought my way out of a paper bag much less held a job. (and I made more than he did when we started). Anyway, fast forward 6 years. We are both fit. I work, with good benefits. Our kids are healthy and great. We have a lot of sex. I always remember how my husband made it through that time WITH me (not perfectly, but we made it) And I NEVER want to have another kid again. lol.. (I blame it on our first, he was so perfect:p) so it can work out. PPD is not, necessarily, a life sentence. Good luck to you both. Link to post Share on other sites
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