When your wife sells you a bill of goods...

[stillafool]

Sound advice stillAfool.

I'm not looking for her to make 100k...I would be happy with 40k. I just want her to work...we would only have one kid in daycare..the other will be in kindergarten.

As far as her weight gain...well that does suck but that can work itself out. Im sure she will get back on track when the baby isnt so needy.

As far as the house...SHE does not want to move as we live right near all her family. So the options she is giving me are...

 

Run a daycare center(which she cant handle and I am VERY opposed to)

Work nights and weekends(being I work days why bother even being married)

or dont work at all.

 

Does this make anything clearer for you guys ?

I would move if needed...but she is being very difficult. Because I wont agree to her first options she is saying I am being unreasonable.

Trust me people...she would NEVER be able to handle any more kids.

 

 

Well at $200/week per child = $400

 

$400 = $1600/ month for childcare

 

$1600 x 12 = $19,200

 

$40,000 - $19,200 = $20,800/year in left over

 

$20,800 - minus taxes = $

 

So your wife will contribute about $1000 a month to expenses. Is that going to be worth it to put the kids in daycare, tired and stressed wife, and putting you guys in a different tax bracket perhaps. I don't know.

[FryFish]

You may not be aware of this, but stay at home moms work the equivalent of two full-time jobs

You may not be aware of this but no they dont.

[giotto]

you can only try with the daycare center... what have you got to lose? I don't quite understand that... it's the solution to your problems... give it a go and, if it fails, take it from there...

[Mr White]

Hi folks. Been reading up on some of the posts here and it looks like a great group of people. So heres my story...

Im married with 2 kids...turning 40 this year. We have a 5 year old and a 5 month old. My wife and I were both working and we were able to live comfortably. I was able to save money and we went on vacation and generally money was never an issue. She had her money (which she never saved...just bought whatever she wanted but still paid her share of things) and I had my money--I saved some and spent some.

 

She got fired from her job, basically couldnt deal with the stress of it and freaked out at work and they fired her. This was almost 2 years ago....about a year into her not working she started pushing hard for another baby. I told her no and we had major fights and even talked divorce...but that died down. We went back and forth on it for awhile and as she started getting older it was becoming now or never time. She said if we had another baby she would be the best wife ever--dinner every night, sex all the time etc etc. And of course all would be well when she went back to work. Fast forward to today...we had the baby (well she did...I just held her hand..lol) and it has been a major stressor on our relationship.

 

The biggest being is she is saying she does NOT want to go back to work for like 5 YEARS. She said she cant think of the thought of someone else raising our kid(even though our other child flew threw daycare and is a happy healthy well adjusted kid). Her unemployment recently ran out and I don't make enough to meet our monthly expenses without dipping into savings. If I would have known she was going to do this I would have NEVER had a second child. I earn a good living but not good enough to pay for our large house and other things. Not to mention I now cant save a dime. The promise of dinner every night ? nope. sex every night ? nada...try twice a month if that. Add to the fact that shes let herself go by packing on an extra 50 lbs.

 

Her solution is to watch kids out of our home. Which I dont want because I see she can barely handle the 2 kids we have now. I can only imagine the out of control woman I will come home to if she has to deal with anything more than she has already. So I married someone who was fit, independent and ambitious. Now I have the exact opposite...it s bull...it really is. I know we are supposed to love till /death...but what if everything you loved about a person they suddenly decide to change ?

 

 

I'm gona tell it like it is: your wife is a lazy, opportunnistic, manipulative, disrespectful, bitch. Did I say lazy?

 

Your fault in the situation is for letting it spin out of control for so long. It is time to put your foot down or divorce. The third option is to live a miserable life with a woman who thinks that she has a license to exploit you.

[DaisyLeigh]

I'm gona tell it like it is: your wife is a lazy, opportunnistic, manipulative, disrespectful, bitch. Did I say lazy?

 

Your fault in the situation is for letting it spin out of control for so long. It is time to put your foot down or divorce. The third option is to live a miserable life with a woman who thinks that she has a license to exploit you.

'

 

Nice. And so helpful.

[Mr White]

'

 

Nice. And so helpful.

 

At least it's more helpful than making excuses for irresponsible and disrespectful behavior.

[Mr White]

One of the things I noticed was that she had repeatedly mentioned being stressed. Stressed by work and stressed by raising kids all of the time. You have also mentioned that you paid for daycare for the first one and would gladly pay someone else to raise your kids as long as she was working making money.

 

You may not be aware of this, but stay at home moms work the equivalent of two full-time jobs. I have this distinct little inkling that while you are working full-time, something you seem to hold in VERY high regard and working out, that your wife is taking care of ALMOST ALL of the domestic duties.

 

TWO FULL-TIME jobs. I have also heard that women today are particularly exhausted because they do their career during the day and then come home to take of the domestic duties during the night. What are you doing around the house?

 

Women want sex more often then twice a month, and I bet it isn't relaxing, happy sex right now. Do you have an exhausted wife who can't even imagine trying to work up the energy to raise two kids, work full-time and shed the 50 lbs to become your plaything again?

 

Sounds like fun. Maybe you should try to take on the majority of the domestic duties for a week or two just to show her how much she means to you. (I know she doesn't mean that much considering your "I guess I married the wrong person for me" comment, but let's pretend it's like a science experiment).

 

Then maybe you could tell her that you still think she is beautiful for having borne you two beautiful children. See if she gives back.

 

Or you could try giving more threats and ultimatums, those really make a girl hot.

 

Hey, here's another idea.. try making a list of all the things YOU could do to improve your marriage and communication before whining to everyone about how rough your perfectly normal marriage is. Try reading a book on the subject, counseling, or just try growing up and realizing that she's not abusive or cheating on you like so many people in these forums put up with. Many of those people even try to stick around and fix up their marriages. MAN UP. (A term not just used for sports, and more than applicable in this situation).

 

Wanna generate an at-home business income, try a B & B. Less work, less mess, more time to yourself.

 

Usually I am not so harsh, but seriously I get sick of people throwing their spouses under the bus when their life changes.

 

Give me a break . Two fill time jobs :laugh:. That's what someone who isn't so sure they are spending their time constructively would say.

Between the washing machine, the washer, the vacuum cleaner, the dryer, and all the cooking appliances, how hard it is to keep a house in order? Two-three hours a day TOPS.

 

The kid is super needy only during the first six months of life, after which it gets much easier, and before you know it it is ready for daycare.

[Neutrino]

I totally understand the frustration of the OP... A relationship is also a business deal (and notice the word also...). He feels that she has not kept her side of the deal without discussing with him and making a mutual decision.

 

It is not about wanting to be home with the kids - she actively and one sidedly quit her job long before she got pregnant and said openly she no longer wanted to work.

 

It is also not about him allowing her or not allowing her to do one thing or another...

 

It is about one of 2 partners making a one-sided decision that influences both - without discussing with the other first.

 

They had mutual plans when they started out - if she wished to change anything or was unhappy she should have discussed this with him before taking action, she was then and is now, unreliable and irresponsible - and he has to face the consequences... don't drag motherhood issues into it - that's a cheap shot.

 

If she decided one day to just quit her job to grow geese in the yard, how many of you would jump to her defense...?

 

*** correction - it is not stated in the first post she openly said she no longer wanted to work - but there is also no mention of her looking for another job...

Edited March 18, 2010 by Neutrino

[DaisyLeigh]

At least it's more helpful than making excuses for irresponsible and disrespectful behavior.

 

Hey, I don't agree with what this wife is doing.

 

If she wants to stay home until the kids are in school, then she should be willing to go to a smaller house, cut corners any way she can, and take care of most chores, etc.

 

However, I also think that there is more to the story. After all, she had to have had SOME redeeming qualities since he had two children with her. Also, post partum depression is NOT an excuse, it is real medical problem. I also think that a 50lb weight gain is NOT the end of the damn world. It takes TIME to feel back to your old self after having three kids. Sometimes, weight just doesn't come off as easy.

 

I guess that if the OP had clinical depression or bipolar disorder, then the wife should just drop him and get a newer model who isn't "damaged"?

 

I think that it is sad that marriage and women are so undervalued and considered to be "disposable" these days.

Edited March 18, 2010 by DaisyLeigh

[Mr White]

Hey, I don't agree with what this wife is doing.

 

If she wants to stay home until the kids are in school, then she should be willing to go to a smaller house, cut corners any way she can, and take care of most chores, etc.

 

However, I also think that there is more to the story. After all, she had to have had SOME redeeming qualities since he had two children with her. Also, post partum depression is NOT an excuse, it is real medical problem. I also think that a 50lb weight gain is NOT the end of the damn world. It takes TIME to feel back to your old self after having three kids. Sometimes, weight just doesn't come off as easy.

 

I guess that if the OP had clinical depression or bipolar disorder, then the wife should just drop him and get a newer model who isn't "damaged"?

 

I think that it is sad that marriage and women are so undervalued and considered to be "disposable" these days.

 

 

Sure, there are many things that could be going on, including depression, but quite frankly, these are completely different issues - the cause and the outcomes.

 

I agree with neutrino's analysis above - whatever the reason, she unilaterally made decisions that affected them both, and apparently the OP is also not handling it well. Unless some active resolution steps are taken, any reasonable steps, the resentment will quickly escalate out of control... IMO

[stillafool]

I'm gona tell it like it is: your wife is a lazy, opportunnistic, manipulative, disrespectful, bitch. Did I say lazy?

 

 

MR WHITE!!!!! :lmao:OMG, yo are in rare form today!

[stillafool]

OP does your wife breast feed? I understand that brings the weight pretty quickly. I know I would be upset if my husband and I had made plans for our future and he changed without discussing it with me too. However, we do not have children. But I do see your point.

 

I agree with whoever said your wife is going to have to accept moving into a smaller home.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Of course there are two sides to every story, but in this case it seems to hold especially true.

 

OP is BLAMING his wife for many things that took BOTH of them to develop - like having a second child and continuing to live in the expensive home. All potential solutions are dismissed by the OP.

 

Sounds like the OP wants to vilify his wife, even if she did add a lot to the problems they are facing. All the problems described ARE solvable. Both people would have to be in a frame of mind to work on solutions in order to solve them ... I don't know about his wife, but the OP obviously is not.

 

I don't know if I agree that staying home & raising kids is equivalent to 2 full time jobs, but it does make me angry to hear a person who is doing this described as "lazy and opportunistic." It is NOT EASY.

 

If this woman is feeling as overwhelmed as OP says she is, of COURSE the "attacking" mode is not going to be productive. Communication is needed, and maybe with the help of a 3rd party.

 

Men who complain about their wives postpartum weight make themselves look ... just bad.

[giotto]

The OP wants his wife to go back to work, so he can still afford his nice new house... forget about what's best also for his wife and his children...

[xxoo]

The OP wants his wife to go back to work, so he can still afford his nice new house... forget about what's best also for his wife and his children...

 

Refreshing to read this from a man at LS, although my husband would say the same

 

Still, the wife must be willing to do what is necessary to stay home, too (move, sacrifice luxuries, etc).

[giotto]

Refreshing to read this from a man at LS, although my husband would say the same

 

Still, the wife must be willing to do what is necessary to stay home, too (move, sacrifice luxuries, etc).

 

well, despite the problems in my marriage (maybe because I'm like this? ), I don't quite understand why the OP wants to keep the status quo at all costs... he agreed to the children... how can he expect a human being to be wanting the same things all his/her life? Children change you. Maybe he didn't expect this, but this is the way it is now. You know, when people say man up, I think they are right. If my wife wanted to stay at home with the kids, I would have supported her... childcare is great (all my children went to childcare), but it's more natural for them to be with the mother and maybe spend a few hours a week at a day centre, to get the balance right.

 

We needed two incomes and my wife took the decision to go back to work, but it was her decision, because she is the mother. The OP is trying to deny motherhood to her wife and this can't be right. The solution is there: she wants a day centre, just make her happy and give it a go...

[xxoo]

how can he expect a human being to be wanting the same things all his/her life? Children change you. Maybe he didn't expect this, but this is the way it is now.

 

Of course, I agree with you 100%.

 

What I hear from men on LS is that the wife planned it this way. The title implies she never expected to work after the second baby, but only promised that to trick the op into the pregnancy. I can not relate to that way of thinking at all (thinking that way as a wife, or thinking that way of your spouse). It makes my head hurt.

 

Either the wife is being unfairly vilified, or they deserve each other. I'm not sure which. But this isn't the way marriage works.

[giotto]

well, she said she would go back to work and then she changed her mind after having the baby... that's normal, isn't it? The feeling of closeness and attachment to the baby was overwhelming for me and I didn't even give birth to it! Hormones are hormones... like it or not, they change women, maybe temporary and maybe not, but you should expect some change. And really, how can a woman be blamed for being "fat" after five months?

[dreamingoftigers]

So the options she is giving me are...

 

Run a daycare center(which she cant handle and I am VERY opposed to)

Work nights and weekends(being I work days why bother even being married)

or dont work at all.

 

Does this make anything clearer for you guys ?

I would move if needed...but she is being very difficult. Because I wont agree to her first options she is saying I am being unreasonable.

 

So the wife isn't saying that she WON'T work. Just she won't work when and how YOU want her to.

 

Given the post under Divorce and Separation you may want to look up Narcissism. It is a personality disorder where one only takes one's own feelings and experience into account and doesn't see nor care how they affect those around them.

[Mr White]

well, she said she would go back to work and then she changed her mind after having the baby... that's normal, isn't it? The feeling of closeness and attachment to the baby was overwhelming for me and I didn't even give birth to it! Hormones are hormones... like it or not, they change women, maybe temporary and maybe not, but you should expect some change. And really, how can a woman be blamed for being "fat" after five months?

 

So, it's okay to tell the man to "man up" after a baby and accept all the negative tradeoffs that come with this, but it is not okay to tell the woman to "woman up" (), which in many cases includes the negative of understanding that as fun as it is to hang out with the baby at home all day long, the security and the comfort of most families requires two incomes. I know plenty of fathers who would gladly ditch their jobs in order to hang out with their toddlers, but that isn't an option, is it? Staying at home with the kid is a *privilege*, not a right...

[fit]

You guys are about the only two who make sense ( although a little harsh on that first post Mr white)

For all you other girls (and the 2 or three guys) perhaps you should read this as to me it seems dead on.

 

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/15/excuses-your-wife-uses-for-not-working/

 

I don't have an issue moving. My wife doesn't want to move because we are by her family.

I already addressed the weight issue---and to be honest shes elected not to work out for the last 2 years so this isnt a sudden thing. So yeah I do have a right to complain. Forget this BS "what if she got into an accident" --well last I checked overeating and not exercising is NOT an accident, but a conscious choice. Stop the madness.

Would I/Do I make time for her to exercise...absolutely. I love both kids and play with them a LOT. She has all the time in the world to work out...motivation is the issue.

 

Now on to the job thing...listen...shes been out of work for almost 2 years.

To say you want to be off another 5 is total BS. We are a 2 family income and its not just about affording a house...its about building a FUTURE---paying for your kids college and hopefully make it so your not the 64 year old employee at Walmart who HAS to work there because they didnt plan their life accordingly. I see it in some of her relatives...mothers stayed home to raise kids while daddy worked 16 hours a day and now they dont even have a pot to piss in. No thanks.

And Ive spend a lot of time home with my family...and motherhood is not the equivalent of two jobs...nobody fires your ass if you keep changing the diaper wrong and there are no "playdates" at work. You have to be on your game EVERYDAY. You cant compare the two...I would stay home over busting butt in an office any day of the week.

[Mr White]

Sorry for the harsh 1st post.

It's a very emotional topic for me - and I'm not even married, yet this kind of stories scare me to hell. When rational arguments meet a wall, it becomes very hard to find a reasonable resolution.

 

One of the sentences that really struck a cord with me (from the posted link above) is "one of the main psychological tasks adolescents need to complete before entering into adulthood is that they must give up… the feeling that all options are open to them; they can no longer hold the fantasy that they can grow up to be whatever they want." In other words, life is full of tradeoffs, and everybody should accept their fair share of tradeoffs...

[dreamingoftigers]

So the options she is giving me are...

 

Run a daycare center(which she cant handle and I am VERY opposed to)

Work nights and weekends(being I work days why bother even being married)

or dont work at all.

 

Does this make anything clearer for you guys ?

I would move if needed...but she is being very difficult. Because I wont agree to her first options she is saying I am being unreasonable.

 

So the wife isn't saying that she WON'T work. Just she won't work when and how YOU want her to.

 

Given the post under Divorce and Separation you may want to look up Narcissism. It is a personality disorder where one only takes one's own feelings and experience into account and doesn't see nor care how they affect those around them.

 

There has still been no response to this. If it is about building a future etc. Why not consider letting her run the daycare OR work on evenings/weekends. If it means that or your marriage (and you are the one running out the door here, Buddy) wouldn't you rather she try an alternative means of income.

 

Perhaps you should review how you are posting, esp in the Separation and Divorce Forum if your priority is on your kids & family. Really, it looks like it is on yourself. Not once have you mentioned that a divorce might be negative for your children, or have you tried MC. It is just wailing about how she isn't doing what you want or expect. Divorce is a FINAL option after doing everything YOU can to save a marriage. Again, what are YOU doing? If some of your first attempts to threaten, or give ultimatums aren't working, then TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

 

Have the self-respect to say to to yourself that you did all that you can. I am not judging what you have said based on your values, but the attitude you are portraying. You are saying that a potentially depressed/mentally ill spouse does not meet your standards anymore and therefore should be thrown away. Time to take a look at YOURSELF. No one here can talk to your spouse and get her side of it. YOU are the one posting on the forums.

 

I love my daughter and I stayed home for about 6 months after she was born. It was non-stop from sun-up through the night getting up with her. Trade that against a 40-60 hour work week in which there are regimented breaks and you could sleep certain hours. In fact I work full-time and then run a business full-time. (Lucky you, catching me posting on my sick with pneumonia days.) Staying home with one kid and taking care of appointments, laundry (esp. in the early months), cooking all meals for everyone at home, dishes, bottles, diapers, bath time etc. etc. etc. I actually couldn't wait to get back to work and split the chores with my H who figured that the chores didn't need to be split if I was at home. I have been trying to source the study that lists stay at home moms as having two full-time jobs. I read it in University, will find when I have time. But if it isn't, I can guarantee that it is more then one. Whoever said 2-3 hours tops is out of their mind, or they have sub-standard values on household tasks. Their are plenty of things that need preventative maintenance and babyproofing.

 

Good Luck

 

Btw perhaps quoting from an article titled Why Your Wife's Excuses For Not Working Are Lame isn't exactly the peer reviewed, proven and sound advice you should be looking for. Try the Relationship self-help section instead of trying to shame your wife. You are never going to be able to problem-solve if you keep letting her know how little value she has to you, and how little faith you have in her.

[alphamale]

if theres a reason to stay single, this is it

[dreamingoftigers]

"THERE are things . . . ."

 

It drives me nuts when people make that mistake, I can't believe I just did.