When your wife sells you a bill of goods...

[xxoo]

Ok, the tri state area is very high COL. We don't live in the boonies, lol, but 100K would be a very solid family income around here (although many, many earn far more). Many of us earn less and manage just fine in safe homes and neighborhoods.

 

 

We have always been an active fit FAMILY. I realize this may be a foreign concept to a lot of you but when things that are such an important part of your life as a whole are taken away it does affect things. I like to share things with my whole family..not just me. My feelings are not out of line...we have been to MC and the counselor agrees with me and encourages us to get back to doing things together. Which we are doing and its going well.

 

This is SO much different than your "some of us need to like what we see" argument. SO much different. And, of course, being an active family is what is going to help her lose the weight. If she was avoiding these fun activities with the family, that further suggests depression to me.

 

Still, some people can be very active at larger sizes--esp women. I know some women who are distance runners and still carry around extra weight. At some point, it is genetic, and only starving will shed those extra pounds (not talking about myself here...I'm naturally thin and struggle to gain...also genetic).

[sweetjasmine]

Some of you people must live in Kansas or something where you can live on 20k a year.

 

I live in the tri state area and we have children in school and involved in activities etc... we have a whole LIFE here. Its not ust about the house and to be honest its not all THAT.

 

 

I grew up in the tri state area. My parents rented a small house until they had saved up enough money to pay for more than half the cost of the $400K house we moved into.

 

Some of you(not all) may be happy living in a shack,

 

Well, from where I'm sitting, you don't sound particularly happy with your big expensive house that you can't afford, either.

[dreamingoftigers]

Some of you people must live in Kansas or something where you can live on 20k a year.

 

I live in the tri state area and we have children in school and involved in activities etc... we have a whole LIFE here. Its not ust about the house and to be honest its not all THAT.

 

And whats with all the sensitivity about weight ? We have always been an active fit FAMILY. I realize this may be a foreign concept to a lot of you but when things that are such an important part of your life as a whole are taken away it does affect things. I like to share things with my whole family..not just me. My feelings are not out of line...we have been to MC and the counselor agrees with me and encourages us to get back to doing things together. Which we are doing and its going well.

I will say despite being heavy I am still very attracted to my wife, but I know it bothers HER. A lot. And as a result it affects US.

Some of you(not all) may be happy living in a shack, some of you may not care if you or your spouse are obese...I do. I'd rather be the family playing baseball in the backyard than stuffing my face at Mcdonalds.

If your comfortable being that way, good for you---Im not.

 

So to each his own.

 

This seems to be almost a 180 on the things you were presenting earlier in the thread.

Very black and white thinking seemed to permeate your thread prior: i.e. having to work at Wal-Mart at 64 because one did not plan for one's life accordingly. Having to live in an apartment, esp. making what you make in a year. The Kansas remark. These are remarks made by a black and white thinker.

 

Real estate here is some of the most expensive in the WORLD, at least it was until the economy fell apart. $100000 K a year was more then enough to carry a reasonable mortgage on a home. The cost of living is higher up here too. Except for healthcare.

 

If it was worrying about your wife's health and your family's activity level, one would think you would say: I am really worried about my wife's health, she hasn't been very active and I am concerned about the effect this will have on my family OR it makes her feel really crappy, what is some way I could motivate her? etc. etc. What you did say was that you were concerned about her looks and rather indignantly at that.

 

It sounds like your marital counselor agrees with you doing more family activities together. A wise thing to do no matter the health of all family members.

 

If your main concern here was on your family and spouse then I wish you luck on learning how to better present that. If I was your spouse and read the things you had posted on here, I would be incredibly hurt.

 

Good luck to you.

 

PS: McDonald's is disgusting, I wouldn't feed it to my dog.

[DaisyLeigh]

Some of you people must live in Kansas or something where you can live on 20k a year.

 

I live in the tri state area and we have children in school and involved in activities etc... we have a whole LIFE here. Its not ust about the house and to be honest its not all THAT.

 

And whats with all the sensitivity about weight ? We have always been an active fit FAMILY. I realize this may be a foreign concept to a lot of you but when things that are such an important part of your life as a whole are taken away it does affect things. I like to share things with my whole family..not just me. My feelings are not out of line...we have been to MC and the counselor agrees with me and encourages us to get back to doing things together. Which we are doing and its going well.

I will say despite being heavy I am still very attracted to my wife, but I know it bothers HER. A lot. And as a result it affects US.

Some of you(not all) may be happy living in a shack, some of you may not care if you or your spouse are obese...I do. I'd rather be the family playing baseball in the backyard than stuffing my face at Mcdonalds.

If your comfortable being that way, good for you---Im not.

 

So to each his own.

 

 

 

Oh geez! Stop with the dramatics already!

 

I live in Florida, where the cost of living is rather high. We have managed to live decently at a lot lower than $100K. We don't live in a huge ass house. But our house is clean, well-maintained, comfortable, and suits us. It is hardly a "shack".

 

There is a LOT between being the family who is active 24/7 and the family who is stuffing their faces at McD's. Your wife is hardly obese. I do agree that a physical might benefit her. There may be some underlying reason for her lack of motivation, although from reading your posts, I am beginning to wonder if she senses your disdain.

 

Perhaps you ought to realize that there are many shades of gray in life. It is not all one extreme or the other.

Edited March 22, 2010 by DaisyLeigh

[LucreziaBorgia]

Playing Devil's Advocate here - but what if his wife genuinely is just not interested in working and wants to be one of those 'women of leisure' who have husbands who make enough money so that they don't have to work? She likely doesn't feel the pinch, and might be in denial about how much they stand to lose.

 

It is feasible that his wife just doesn't want to work. Call it laziness or entitlement, but there is always that possibility too. I know plenty of people whose primary wish is to not have to work anymore. Perhaps she is one of them?

 

As for her weight, sure she can't be expected to be like one of those celeb moms who "lost all the baby weight in two weeks!!!!! (see various tabloids for details)" but what if she isn't doing ANYTHING to lose weight? Not exercising, not changing her diet, has become sedentary and simply doesn't want to put forth the effort to lose the weight at all? It is all too easy to fall into a "I'll start tomorrow" mindset when it comes to diet/exercise. A good deal of people just think 'f*ck it, I like eating whatever I want and I like not exercising and if my H/W/SO doesn't like it, too bad - we married for better or worse, sicker or poorer - he/she took vows to accept me under any circumstance, and I intend to hold him/her to those vows'

 

Fit's exasperation/anger/frustration are causing people to paint his wife as the victim.

 

What if she isn't?

[giotto]

Playing Devil's Advocate here - but what if his wife genuinely is just not interested in working and wants to be one of those 'women of leisure' who have husbands who make enough money so that they don't have to work? She likely doesn't feel the pinch, and might be in denial about how much they stand to lose.

 

It is feasible that his wife just doesn't want to work. Call it laziness or entitlement, but there is always that possibility too. I know plenty of people whose primary wish is to not have to work anymore. Perhaps she is one of them?

 

As for her weight, sure she can't be expected to be like one of those celeb moms who "lost all the baby weight in two weeks!!!!! (see various tabloids for details)" but what if she isn't doing ANYTHING to lose weight? Not exercising, not changing her diet, has become sedentary and simply doesn't want to put forth the effort to lose the weight at all? It is all too easy to fall into a "I'll start tomorrow" mindset when it comes to diet/exercise. A good deal of people just think 'f*ck it, I like eating whatever I want and I like not exercising and if my H/W/SO doesn't like it, too bad - we married for better or worse, sicker or poorer - he/she took vows to accept me under any circumstance, and I intend to hold him/her to those vows'

 

Fit's exasperation/anger/frustration are causing people to paint his wife as the victim.

 

What if she isn't?

 

I would like to remind you that the "wife" has always worked, she's had two children and the last one only 5 months ago... to expect her to be slim and lose weight is not only unrealistic but also unhealthy, especially if she is breastfeeding. She is entitled to a change of career if she wants to. She is not saying she doesn't want to work, but that she would like to do a different job. The crux of the matter here is that she doesn't want to comply with her husband's wishes, who would like a slim wife with an executive job...

[carhill]

Again, the wife made representations, which I've outlined a couple of times now, that certain things would happen if they had a second baby. She lied to get what she thought she wanted, or more insidiously, what would hook up the OP for another 18. That's the bill of goods. Nothing else. Time for a hard line. Time for her to own her sales pitch

[thegreatesthumphrey]

Hey Lucrezia,

 

My name is thegreatesthumphrey. I posted something about a month ago about my relationship and the use of porn. You requested an update, and I figured you stopped looking at the thread. I just wanted to let you know we are doing GREAT thanks to you and the other people that posted. I posted my complete update and the methods I took to fix the realtionship if you were interested in reading it. I just couldnt go without saying thank you! Have a great day!

[Mr White]

Again, the wife made representations, which I've outlined a couple of times now, that certain things would happen if they had a second baby. She lied to get what she thought she wanted, or more insidiously, what would hook up the OP for another 18. That's the bill of goods. Nothing else. Time for a hard line. Time for her to own her sales pitch

 

That's really all there is to it. Maybe fit's delivery and attitude is not the smoothest, but he is perfectly right to call her on not keeping her word. She LIED!

[giotto]

That's really all there is to it. Maybe fit's delivery and attitude is not the smoothest, but he is perfectly right to call her on not keeping her word. She LIED!

 

she lied because she wanted a baby... do you know what's it like being really broody? Probably not, because you are a man, and neither do I because I'm a man too...

[carhill]

With choices, like lying while 'brooding', comes responsibility. There are also consequences for one's words and actions. Sometimes those consequences are unpleasant. A vagina and estrogen does not absolve a person of such consequences, nor their responsibility.

 

Nothing like some good MC to clarify these things. Money well spent

[giotto]

With choices, like lying while 'brooding', comes responsibility. There are also consequences for one's words and actions. Sometimes those consequences are unpleasant. A vagina and estrogen does not absolve a person of such consequences, nor their responsibility.

 

Nothing like some good MC to clarify these things. Money well spent

 

It's funny, though, how it's mostly men saying that she lied and she should be put right... I have seen what being broody does to women and I understand why the OP's wife promised what she promised...

[carhill]

I really don't care any more. If I have to be responsible and pay consequences as a man and as a husband, so does a woman and wife. I took the hit and glad I'm rid of her. Never again

[giotto]

I really don't care any more. If I have to be responsible and pay consequences as a man and as a husband, so does a woman and wife. I took the hit and glad I'm rid of her. Never again

 

I'm not saying she shouldn't bear the consequences, but the OP helped the situation, didn't he?

[carhill]

That doesn't obviate consequences. Personally, I'd get out, but he might feel differently. I lived in that crap for a number of years and it nearly killed me. I enabled it because my self-esteem was destroyed. It ain't anymore. Ef em...

[xxoo]

Dinner and sex every night, and back to work?

 

C'mon guys. Who would ever believe she could deliver all that in the postpartum period?

 

And they'd already had a child together. He knew the realities of the first few months.

 

Working AND dinner? Come on! She must have been in an altered state when she promised that, lol.

 

And what kind of guy would even expect all that from his 5 mo postpartum wife. I could see him expecting it in the coming year or so maybe, but immediately after birth, and talking about leaving when she hasn't "paid up" at 5 months??!!

 

Keep in mind we are only hearing his side, and he still sounds like a bully. I'd like to see a transcript of that actual conversation I bet there is more to the story than what we are reading....

 

I'll agree with the recommendations for her to visit a dr. She sounds depressed to me (not wanting to do active things with the family, overwhelmed, etc). Please take her out of concern for her and your family.

[carhill]

Yeah, well my stbx made a lot of promises while looking for our new 'home' which became hers in the divorce. Trust with verification. As far as I'm concerned the only altered state which gets a pass from me is dead.

[xxoo]

Carhill....I've had two kids. To work fulltime, prepare dinner every night, and have sex every night (which, btw, was very painful for me at 5 months postpartum)--when would she breastfeed and care for her baby? When would she care for her other child?

 

Fit....is that what you want? Your wife fully focused on your needs, meeting you agreement, at the expense of your children's care? Possibly at the expense of your wife's health? Because I can NOT imagine doing all that at 5 months pp and not being a quivering, resentful heap at the end of the day.

 

Theoretically, what happens when our spouse makes a promise that their health prevents them from keeping?

 

And maybe more importantly, is it appropriate for life partners to make "business" arrangements such as this? To make promises that depend on continued health, and insist on payment even if they spouse feels incapable to pay? Is this a marriage or a collection agency?

 

Again, I'd like to know what was really said. Was there truly a promise that all of this would be in place at 5 months postpartum? Or was this more of a "our life with 2 kids" sort of proposal that would evolve as the baby grew?

[xxoo]

For what it is worth, there is a universal take-home message in this thread:

 

Rocky relationships are never improved by the addition of a baby.

 

Nonetheless, people try it all the time....

[DaisyLeigh]

For what it is worth, there is a universal take-home message in this thread:

 

Rocky relationships are never improved by the addition of a baby.

 

Nonetheless, people try it all the time....

 

I totally agree. I will never understand why they do.

Edited March 22, 2010 by DaisyLeigh

[carhill]

Let's rewind:

Im married with 2 kids...turning 40 this year. We have a 5 year old and a 5 month old. My wife and I were both working and we were able to live comfortably. I was able to save money and we went on vacation and generally money was never an issue. She had her money (which she never saved...just bought whatever she wanted but still paid her share of things) and I had my money--I saved some and spent some.

 

She got fired from her job, basically couldnt deal with the stress of it and freaked out at work and they fired her. This was almost 2 years ago....about a year into her not working she started pushing hard for another baby. I told her no and we had major fights and even talked divorce.

 

That's when the divorce should've happened. Right there. Everything else after that was manipulation, IMO. I've seen this dynamic and experienced in my M. MC helped me see the manipulation for what it was and is.

 

The OP titled this thread well. His W was depressed from the loss of her job and failure to make it in her chosen profession and thought a baby would 'fix' it emotionally. A direct approach failed (he said 'no') so she resorted to the time honored methodology of the end run. Guile and deceit. Additionally, my take is that they are incompatible financially, in that he is a saver and she is a spender. I'll bet they've had lots of 'discussions' about financial matters and little bend.

 

He'll be paying child support and alimony after she decides she's done. Pretty good deal. Gotta love the good ole' US of A.

[giotto]

And maybe more importantly, is it appropriate for life partners to make "business" arrangements such as this? To make promises that depend on continued health, and insist on payment even if they spouse feels incapable to pay? Is this a marriage or a collection agency?

 

 

Absolutely... why do people get married and have children I really don't know sometimes...

[Ms. Joolie]

Fit, I know you are PO'd over everything that is going on in your marriage. It must totally suck to wake up and realize where you are at now versus where you'd like to be.

 

But you know what, that's your challenge. This is your opportunity to shine.

 

 

When you sign up for marriage, you aren't signing a ticket to paradise. lol. You are signing a commitment to be the other half in a relationship. Relationships aren't a piece of cake. And you make it sound like she gained 50 lbs overnight. You want to point all the fingers at her and wash your hands of everything. But what role have you played in all this? You know, don't you?

 

 

Good for you that you are reaching out for help in trying to sort through all this. I like it. And I also like your attitude on everything. I don't know who you are, but I like the screen name and how you seem ready to tackle this.

 

I'm not married, so wth do I know, but I do see this. You either accept your marriage as it is, totally, right now and begin the journey together again.... or you quit. You can quit the marriage. Get a divorce. Yeah, that's easy.

 

It depends on you. Do you love your wife? Are you ready to be her support now and help her through this when she needs you most? It's your choice. It just sounds to me that you could easily take a leading role here and support your family to a happier state.

 

I wish you the best. Although I'm kind of jealous because I wish I were the one married with two kids. I'd take it on. hehe

Edited March 22, 2010 by Ms. Joolie

[DaisyLeigh]

Let's rewind:

 

That's when the divorce should've happened. Right there. Everything else after that was manipulation, IMO. I've seen this dynamic and experienced in my M. MC helped me see the manipulation for what it was and is.

 

The OP titled this thread well. His W was depressed from the loss of her job and failure to make it in her chosen profession and thought a baby would 'fix' it emotionally. A direct approach failed (he said 'no') so she resorted to the time honored methodology of the end run. Guile and deceit. Additionally, my take is that they are incompatible financially, in that he is a saver and she is a spender. I'll bet they've had lots of 'discussions' about financial matters and little bend.

 

He'll be paying child support and alimony after she decides she's done. Pretty good deal. Gotta love the good ole' US of A.

 

 

 

All of the other stuff aside, are you saying that a man should not have to pay to help support the children he has helped to bring into the world?

 

I guess you are right. Poor man. He should have filed for divorce, and moved on to find that perfect woman who will never gain an ounce, who will serve his every need and bring in a huge paycheck to boot.

 

He could have refused to have sex with her. Men do it all of the time. We see threads about sexless marriages on here constantly.

[carhill]

What I'm saying, exactly and precisely, is that she can take no responsibility, treat him like shyte and still extract his life's work as a reward for that unseemly behavior. I hope he remains a dedicated parent and cleans her clock in court