ADF Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 It has happened a few times in my life. A woman I've been seeing decides to dump me, but says, "don't worry. I'll still be your friend." What??? Why the heck would I want to be her friend? How can she expect to dump me then have me her buddy? Getting dumped HURTS. It makes guys ANGRY. The only reason guys stay "friends" with an ex is because they secretly think they can get her back. Well, I'm not charging that windmill. But question is this: men seem much less apt to pull this, "let's still be friends" nonsense than women are. YES, I KNOW THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS. Guys do it too, sometimes. But really, ladies, what the heck are you thinking when you say stuff like this? How can you expect a guy whose heart you just broke to be your friend? It makes no sense to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I don't know why. Good question. Link to post Share on other sites
klondike Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 In my experience... Part of the time she doesn't want to feel like a terrible person, so she tries to drift away slowly instead of just owning the fact that they're either going to hurt you or not break up. The other part of the time, she is afraid to be alone, still wants the ego boost, is manipulating you for some reason ("If I leave you you'll see what it's like without me, and then when we inevitably get back together you'll be easier to control") or keeping you as a Plan B in case her new flame doesn't work out etc. The capacity for cruelty in some people is mind boggling. It may seem less hurtful in the here and now, but it just drags the pain out and smears it along the time-line for so much longer. I think a less painful approach would be brutal honesty related with a little compassion: "I'm sorry, but I don't want to be with you and I'm not going to change my mind. I recognize that I'm hurting you with this decision, but I have made up my mind." (Gives honest reasons here if the person demands to know why, but neither argues about them, nor softens the edges. Depending on the situation, giving reasons may or may not be the best idea...) Then the dumper and dumpee mutually go NC for as long as it takes to get over eachother... and if someday a friendship blooms... fine. However... this approach is pretty much inherently unrealistic, because it requires the dumper to admit that they are hurting the person being dumped, it requires them to admit to dumping reasons which may be difficult to discuss and/or cruel ("Yeah... I accidentally ****ed this guy I was going after just before I met you...") and it just doesn't fit with the typical passive-aggressive denial of responsibility that pops up in dumping scenarios. I think that probably, a thin sliver of the time, the dumper does actually value the friendship very highly, and if that's the case it's POSSIBLE (but not definite) that a friendship will result. This has happened to me exactly one time, after a short relationship and about 6 months of NC after the initial breakup (and that 6 months eventually included another relationship that made it much easier to put the past behind me). I'm very close with her... and it's never been a problem (because she was such a rare case of someone who actually wanted to put in the time and effort to be a better friend than a girlfriend) but then again I've had close female friends all my life and have never had an issue of falling for them whereas some guys I know immediately start re-falling for their ex and are incapable of this sort of friendship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
klondike Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 That said... the vast majority of the times I've been dumped in my life, the breakup was cruel (I was the rebound and she's back with her ex or there's someone else she's been toying around with) and I immediately lose any respect or trust in that person and have absolutely no desire to let such a ****ty person enjoy the benefits of being "friends". Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 It has happened a few times in my life. A woman I've been seeing decides to dump me, but says, "don't worry. I'll still be your friend." It's a way for them to feel less guilty about ending the relationship. They feel bad for hurting your feelings, so they have this notion that being friends would take some of that sting away. But even if you both decided to be "friends," she would gradually remove you from her life anyway. And I agree, guys are less apt to do it...because we might not be so sensitive to feelings...guys might not go on guilt trips for dumping a girl...instead, they take it for what it is and move along... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 That said... the vast majority of the times I've been dumped in my life, the breakup was cruel (I was the rebound and she's back with her ex or there's someone else she's been toying around with) and I immediately lose any respect or trust in that person and have absolutely no desire to let such a ****ty person enjoy the benefits of being "friends". ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
AgeOfUninnocence Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I would just like to add that guys do it too. My ex cried and said, "But I really really wanna still be your friend. And I know everyone says that, but I really mean it when I tell you I want to still be your friend." Well, he must have been feeling extremely guilty, because this "friend" has not talked to me unless I initiated it, so I'm not initiating it anymore. Also, talked to a guy friend about it and he said he's said it too. Makes him feel easier about ending the relationship. There's only one ex girlfriend he actually remained friends with. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I would just like to add that guys do it too. My ex cried and said, "But I really really wanna still be your friend. And I know everyone says that, but I really mean it when I tell you I want to still be your friend." Well, he must have been feeling extremely guilty, because this "friend" has not talked to me unless I initiated it, so I'm not initiating it anymore. Also, talked to a guy friend about it and he said he's said it too. Makes him feel easier about ending the relationship. There's only one ex girlfriend he actually remained friends with. The "lets be friends" line is nothing more than a coward's way out, like you said, It makes "him" feel better. It has nothing to do with the other person's feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pfiend101 Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Like everyone said its a guilt thing. When my recent ex was breaking up with me I told her I won't be friends before she even had a chance to ask for it. Link to post Share on other sites
OOReeee Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 story of my life. seriously, the dumper would do ANYTHING to make herself feel like she's a good person by being friendly and talkative, and when the dumpee ignores or being cold, then it's his fault because he's a jerk. It is happening to me right now. If it makes her feel better, yippee... Continue to ignore and she'll get the message. You don't have to and shouldn't be friends at all. Link to post Share on other sites
malc Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I get it too, I found the break up and post break up difficult, and I was dumped and 'thrown away like a plastic cup into a trashcan', but after pleading with her, I saw her decision for what it was and moved on gradually, while she wanted to be very good friends, but could still go out and have fun (with other guys as well) and do what she needed to do. I have initiated NC even though I loved her more then anything, still have feelings for her, but she chooses when she wants to be friends and breaks NC whenever she feels like it. I have broken NC in the past 'being friends' but her response has been none or very slow like I dont matter anymore, and I have accepted it, but she can choose how she wants to be friends with me now, and only contacts me when she wants to, is that fair?? Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 But question is this: men seem much less apt to pull this, Bull. I wish people would stop with the stupid, unfounded, sexist generalizations. I have never said let's be friends after a breakup yet every guy, whether he broke up with me or I broke up with him, always said 'can we be friends?'. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I would also like to add that besides it being a guilty and cowardly thing, which in most cases it is, it's also an ego thing. The guy figures if I dumped her and she's still willing to be "friends" I must be something special. They don't want the responsibility of being in a relationship with you but they still want to keep you attached to them to boos their ego. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 "don't worry. I'll still be your friend." Translation: Small world; I fill it completely, but I'll let you in from time to time when it serves my needs and/or whims. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 (edited) It's alllllllllll about their ego and selfishness. They think that somehow your life is magical if they will grace you with their friendship which we all know isn't really friendship but them just getting the ego boost and wanting you to keep them in a positive light in your mind: "oh he/she dumped me but they want to still be in my life so they really care about me. He/she is a great person" then there is the deal where they may do it just to have you ass a fall back in case their grand plan of romance in the future doesn't work out and realize you will be someone they can easily get back with. I have dealt with this off/on with this woman for about 6 years (each year she'd contact me, we'd try and be "friends" only for her to not really view me as a friend and things would end) and foolishly I kept allowing it to happen each year. The beauty is in Jan 09 I told her to get out of my life once and for all (she kept her seeing a guy hidden from me since she knows I have no desire to talk to her if she's dating another guy...juwt seems weird and isn't fair to me or the other guy) yet sure enough, she contacted me this year after I think she got screwed over by him and I went back to my sucker self and gave in. The problem is that I care about her and feel outside of her clear selfishness she is a keeper and we broke up ages ago mainly because of bad timing and immaturity issues and I kept figuring if she keeps contacting me year after year of this failed friendship crap with me telling her I am not interested that it meant she had feelings and we could see now all these years later if we really could work given that we've grown up and the timing would be better. Wasn't until very recently I realized she's just playing me to get the ego boost (easy to just contact Rob and know he'll compliment you and make you feel good since you know he has feelings) and make sure she isn't forgotten or seen in a bad light in my mind. The one positive is I am confident that she'll probably continue to meet "lesser" guys than me (in terms of what she wants in a guy and who she can click with the best) and they won't put up with her issues like I clearly have shown I can. I want her to be happy but at the same time it'd be cool if she finally "got it" and realized I was someone to truly appreciate rather than jerk around. I couldn't imagine ever doing this to someone else but hey, I actually think about the feelings of others and don't need to have my ego massaged. Edited March 17, 2010 by Weird Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 'hey, how's it going? Long time, no hear' AW (attention whore)- Well, bla, bla bla 'wow that's great '*asks some questions, shows interest* 'you know, it's been an interesting year; bla, bla, bla' Here's where I do the black hole test. If I don't hear or sense any proactive interest, as in 'oh, I remember you and xxx' or 'hey that's great, tell me about xxx' , then 'Well, I don't get the sense that you're really interested, so I'll let you go. Take care' The attention whores don't care. You won't insult them with this, though they might feign insult. They really don't care about anyone but themselves. Push back hard, then shut the door. Black hole. No light escapes Link to post Share on other sites
jen_r Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I was talking to my ex yesterday. I said "You're listing all these things about me that you do not like, so why the hell would you still want to be talking to me and having that "middle ground" bull*****?" He says "Because I don't want you completely out of my life, I want you as my friend." .... :-/ I said "J, why the hell would I want to be your friend? I don't want to be your f**king friend." He says "Well, then thats your problem." I'm friends with pretty much all of my ex's. But then again, I wasn't too crushed about any of the breakups. Guess it all depends... Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 He says "Well, then thats your problem." Typical comeback of a man who just had his balls..I mean ego crushed. Link to post Share on other sites
onetoughkitty Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I don't think I could be friends with my ex now. He put me on such a damn pedestal that he forgot the friend in girlfriend. The next guy I date is going to be a friend, one who is willing to express his opinions and put his damn foot down. No more passive guys who let you do what you want just to make you happy. It just breeds resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_r Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 Typical comeback of a man who just had his balls..I mean ego crushed. I was thinking it was more, he could care less if we're really friends or not. Link to post Share on other sites
mrkleen Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 I don't think I could be friends with my ex now. He put me on such a damn pedestal that he forgot the friend in girlfriend. The next guy I date is going to be a friend, one who is willing to express his opinions and put his damn foot down. No more passive guys who let you do what you want just to make you happy. It just breeds resentment. Wait....huh? You are mad at your ex because he treated you too well and did whatever it took to make you happy? Right. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 A woman I've been seeing decides to dump me, but says, "don't worry. I'll still be your friend."If it's delivered in exactly this way, it lacks even an ounce of empathy and smacks of unspeakable arrogance. But, IMO, being friends with exes is a good thing, given enough time and distance away. Once you've cut the bond that ties, if you honestly liked them as people and as long as both treat each other in a respectful way, it's all good. Link to post Share on other sites
onetoughkitty Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 (edited) Wait....huh? You are mad at your ex because he treated you too well and did whatever it took to make you happy? Right. No, I get mad because he resents it later on and decides to get bitter, fly into rages, break walls, and get verbally abusive over it. If he didn't like the decisions I was making, he really should have said something and put his foot down. To get resentful about it later on doesn't do any good. Edited March 17, 2010 by onetoughkitty clarification Link to post Share on other sites
mrkleen Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 No, I get mad because he resents it later on and decides to get bitter, fly into rages, break walls, and get verbally abusive over it. If he didn't like the decisions I was making, he really should have said something and put his foot down. To get resentful about it later on doesn't do any good. Well, you left a fair bit of it out. In THIS case, I am with you 100%. Passive Aggressive behavior is very unhealthy....he sounds like a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
soleharmony1123 Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 It has happened a few times in my life. A woman I've been seeing decides to dump me, but says, "don't worry. I'll still be your friend." What??? Why the heck would I want to be her friend? How can she expect to dump me then have me her buddy? Getting dumped HURTS. It makes guys ANGRY. The only reason guys stay "friends" with an ex is because they secretly think they can get her back. Well, I'm not charging that windmill. But question is this: men seem much less apt to pull this, "let's still be friends" nonsense than women are. YES, I KNOW THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS. Guys do it too, sometimes. But really, ladies, what the heck are you thinking when you say stuff like this? How can you expect a guy whose heart you just broke to be your friend? It makes no sense to me. ADF, I am soooo sorry your ex broke up with you and then took your heart and wrung it out in her hands in the same way my ex did mine. I don't understand how ANY ONE - male or female - can be so heartless and think the person whose heart they broke would jump at the chance to be their friend. The break-up itself is betrayal enough - especially when they break up with you because they already have someone in the picture. You're wondering why a woman would say this - well I believe it would be for the same cowardly, twisted reason a man would say it - because they want to have their cake and eat it too. -Soleharmony Link to post Share on other sites
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