Why Would a Dumper Think I Wanted to be Friends?

[Chrome Barracuda]

My exes know better than to call me!!!

 

That friends crap only work if both are on a good level. If you dont want to be friends then dont!!!

[harmfulsweetz]

It's in part a guilt mechanism, everyone says it to ease the blow for the other person and for themselves. It makes breaking up that little bit easier. It isn't actually easy at all to break up with someone, it's a minefield of emotions. From one direction, you have this need, this desire to leave the relationship, and from another, you have this guilt bomb being thrown at you. We often say things we may not mean/stick to, to placate ourselves and others. To you, it's selfish and cruel, to that person saying it, it softens the blow, you aren't saying that person is a bad, horrible person, etc. Although, to quicken recovery time, it may be better to be actually cold and cruel.

 

It's not unheard of that sometimes people genuinely want to be friends with their exes, because they value them in their life even if it's not romantically. But this can only happen through time and distance, you MUST go NC for a period before a friendship can develop.

[AgeOfUninnocence]

It's in part a guilt mechanism, everyone says it to ease the blow for the other person and for themselves. It makes breaking up that little bit easier. It isn't actually easy at all to break up with someone, it's a minefield of emotions. From one direction, you have this need, this desire to leave the relationship, and from another, you have this guilt bomb being thrown at you. We often say things we may not mean/stick to, to placate ourselves and others. To you, it's selfish and cruel, to that person saying it, it softens the blow, you aren't saying that person is a bad, horrible person, etc. Although, to quicken recovery time, it may be better to be actually cold and cruel.

 

It's not unheard of that sometimes people genuinely want to be friends with their exes, because they value them in their life even if it's not romantically. But this can only happen through time and distance, you MUST go NC for a period before a friendship can develop.

 

Yeah, it seems to me like my ex may genuinely want to be friends, during the course of our relationship he would say something like, 'even if you weren't my girlfriend, you'd still be one of my best friends cause that's how our relationship is'. But ah well. I don't expect we can even start to be friends until maybe the summer, when we see each other and it's been a few months since the breakup. We'll see what happens.

 

Here's a followup question though, and I'm sure the answer is really obvious, but I've never been a dumper so I'm unaware of that perspective. WHY do the dumpers feel guilty? If not being in the relationship is something that they truly want, why do they feel guilty for leaving it? Wouldn't feeling guilty about a breakup signal that they still feel some attachment to you and don't really want to leave it all, or even that they still possibly want to be with you?

 

Sorry, I know that probably sounds really desperate. I'm actually not that desperate for my ex right now, I'm on NC and doing pretty good, I think it's just more that I want the ego satisfaction of him trying to contact me so I can ignore it. :-P But it was just a thought I had today.

[harmfulsweetz]

Yeah, it seems to me like my ex may genuinely want to be friends, during the course of our relationship he would say something like, 'even if you weren't my girlfriend, you'd still be one of my best friends cause that's how our relationship is'. But ah well. I don't expect we can even start to be friends until maybe the summer, when we see each other and it's been a few months since the breakup. We'll see what happens.

 

Here's a followup question though, and I'm sure the answer is really obvious, but I've never been a dumper so I'm unaware of that perspective. WHY do the dumpers feel guilty? If not being in the relationship is something that they truly want, why do they feel guilty for leaving it? Wouldn't feeling guilty about a breakup signal that they still feel some attachment to you and don't really want to leave it all, or even that they still possibly want to be with you?

 

Sorry, I know that probably sounds really desperate. I'm actually not that desperate for my ex right now, I'm on NC and doing pretty good, I think it's just more that I want the ego satisfaction of him trying to contact me so I can ignore it. :-P But it was just a thought I had today.

 

 

People often feel guilty for the other party, they don't want to be in the relationship, but they still don't want to hurt the other person. They don't completely lose feelings for them, they still have feelings. But just not enough to continue seeing the person.

[Tasha1675]

Ageof uninnocence - I think a dumper feels guilty because they are human and noone wants to be the one to be breaking another person's heart when they care about the person. Just because they feel that the relationship isn't going to work, it doesn't mean they automatically have no feelings for the person so there is bound to be a feeling of guilt for hurting someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt. Relationships are hard and confusing and it's easy to assume that the person initiating the break up has no feelings (I am sure it is the case with some of course) but sometimes I think the dumper has just as hard a time dealing with the break up as the dumpee.

Not sure if that makes sense but it's just what I gather from experience.

 

As for the friendship thing, my ex didn't say he wanted to be friends but he kept saying he loved me and it wouldn't be the last time I saw him, spoke to him etc. Well 5 months of no contact from him has shown he probably isn't planning on trying to see me any time soon! I don't think it's possible to be friends unless the break up was mutual or it's a very long time after the break up that friendship grows. For me, I have never been able to maintain a friendship with an ex - this last one is the hardest break up I've ever had to deal with and I sadly I can't see me and him being friends any time soon.