He's so distracted

[kittie s.]

Hey guys. So here's the deal: we are long distance and haven't seen each other in a couple months, due to money issues. But we see each other next month. Anyways, every time we chat online, he's also chatting with all of his other friends at the same time. And these are online friends he's met since we've been together. (We know each other from real life..he moved away because of a job). Most of whom he still hasn't met in person, since they live all over the country.

 

But now these online friends are the biggest deal! I know that he needs them since he had to move to a new place with just his family around and I understand that. But I'm serious when I say we never have "alone time". He doesn't tell me he's talking to them while he's talking to me..I'll ask him what he's doing & he'll say he's just watching tv...I actually found out because one day I got really nosy because sometimes he won't reply during a conversation for a couple minutes, and he is in the chatroom talking to them also. The place he chats is public, but it's a hobby site of something I know nothing about. And I know he needs his own friends and away time, but he doesn't need them 24-7 like that. It's just really frustrating, and I get worse about these things during our longer separations. I get extra insecure and upset at the smallest things, but this is really frustrating!

[kittie s.]

Wow...20-something views and no response. I wrote this post when I was exhausted from stress, not to mention it was the AMs for me. So I guess I didn't word things very well, sorry!!!

 

I feel pretty neglected. I feel like he's counting too much on these new people and forgetting that I'm his girlfriend. It isn't easy getting him to plan ahead with anything. He tells me to remind him, so I do. But when he's planning meetings with them, he's the first to discuss planning those ahead. Like he's so set on meeting everyone from there. I don't even think we're doing anything big for our anniversary because he has this big thing planned with them a month before. There's no way we'd be able to afford something big again a month after this big trip. I have no idea how to deal with this. I'm starting to feel like things are doomed, because I need attention that I'm not getting. He is too busy putting so much money into his new hobby that I doubt he's saved a penny. I set up a savings account and asked him if he's saving anything, and he says not as much as he'd like to, but he hasn't saved much of anything. It isn't because he can't, it's because he won't.

 

I'm so upset about the anniversary thing. So upset. This is the longest relationship I've been in and this anniversary will be a huge deal to me. We should be planning to travel somewhere for that instead. But no.

[Els]

Sorry, hon - I read your post earlier but was busy then so I couldn't reply.

 

I'll say this, you're not being insecure. He can't even seem to divide his internet time 50/50 between you and online friends, based on your post. And he's passing up going to see you for your anniversary because he wants to meet them!? What hobby is this, exactly? Honestly, he sounds addicted - just like my ex used to be. He used to be a hardcore WoW player - never had time for me because 80% of the time he was online he had commitments there (yes, advancing in that game actually does require commitment - great way to screw everyone's lives up huh), or he was busy chatting in ventrilo with his friends. It's like - if you have work to do, or even some RL hangouts with friends, or family, I get it. But this? Eventually I got fed up, and left.

[kittie s.]

Thank you Elswyth!

 

It's a car hobby..expensive stuff. He wants me to come with him on the trip and of course I am, it will be fun. But at the same, I still want to know what's happening for our anniversary. I know he's going to say that this is part meeting his friends and part anniversary trip, which is complete bs. I want a trip with just us.

 

I'm sorry you went through something similar. I hate the way it feels when you can't get undivided attention from the one you love.

 

I love him with all of my heart, and I have my own interests and hobbies that I get into. But when I chat with him, most of the time he's the only one I'm talking to. But when I know he's not completely into the conversation, it just makes me not feel like chatting so I just find something else to do as well. I hate having empty conversations with my boyfriend while he'd rather discuss cars, the ONLY thing he and his new friends have in common.

 

The worst part is that I can't exactly confront him about this because I snooped to find out he's doing this. So yes, I'm in the wrong too. He wouldn't tell me why he wasn't talking much, and I had a hunch, so I had to investigate.

[Els]

How often and long do you guys talk, kittie? Are you on Skype most of the time and he just chats with them part of the time while you're on Skype? Or do you have limited time to chat and it's ALL taken up by them? I don't think you can demand undivided attention... but you can certainly tell him you're not happy if he's not giving you any.

 

Then again, LDRs are just tough where this is concerned, really. It's so much easier to give full attention to someone when you're snuggled up to them and doing something together IRL - not so easy when you're just online together.

[kittie s.]

Well, I'm usually on the computer working on college work and he is on at work. So it is off and on all day. I'm happy about that! I know many people don't get to talk to each other every day like that..but when they do talk, it's a one on one conversation, without multi-tasking I'm sure. Just real and thoughtful conversation. I really miss that.

 

You make a really good point about LDRs being tough like this. When we're actually together in person, it's so much better and easier to communicate. He's more a person of actions than words, and I have to constantly remind myself of that when the only way we can be together right now is through words and sometimes webcam, with our occasional chances to visit each other.

 

I'm not good at this But I don't want to give up! Maybe this is just a rough patch that will hopefully end soon.

[Els]

Well if you're on together all day, surely you can't expect him to only talk to you. But he shouldn't be NOT paying you attention all the time either.

 

I think you should talk to him about it.

[kittie s.]

Yeah, I completely understand that. You're right. I just wish we had maybe an hour or so of just us. That would make me feel 100% better.

[sweetjasmine]

Have you tried talking on the phone?

[kittie s.]

Yes, but he's on prepaid, so it can add up pretty quickly.

[sweetjasmine]

Yes, but he's on prepaid, so it can add up pretty quickly.

 

Hmm. Skype?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been in your shoes, and it totally sucks.

[kittie s.]

Yeah, I need to look into Skype. Usually when we webcam it's just on a messenger.

[Els]

Messenger vidcalls are fine as well, actually.

[aerogurl87]

Hey OP, I just got around to reading your thread. My boyfriend, like yours, has this car hobby where he loves working on his car and is a part of this forum on his specific car. All day, he's always looking into what he can do to make it better. But, yes there's a but, he makes time for me every night. Daytime I share him with his slight car obsession (and he shares me with my slight sims obsession) but at night we get on skype and it's all about just the two of us. Works out great, so maybe you can come to a solution like that. Also skype is free unless you get calls to landlines and cellphones. But the plan we have is like $3 a month for unlimited minutes to the USA and Canada. It works out pretty good actually.