Things are going great

[buentiel]

I've been reading the threads in this forum for a few hours now, wow. I just feel this need to talk about my own LDR because I don't really have anyone else to talk to. At this point, I just feel I am bursting at the seams and need to get this out. I suppose I don't even care if anyone reads this, I just want to feel like I'm telling someone If someone does read this, well... bravo, because this is going to be looooooooong. If it was someone else, I probably wouldn't

 

First, things are going great. In reading this forum, I've read so many horror stories. Most are dealing with issues we have already resolved and some are just damned scary (like people suddenly changing how they feel years down the road, but that's not necessarily an LDR thing...).

 

Anyways, some history I suppose. I studied Mandarin Chinese for 3 years at my school and had to stop taking those classes because they interfered with my engineering course time slots. After that happened, I decided to find some penpals to keep my Chinese from getting rusty. Almost a year later, I'm still talking with many penpals but one... man, we just clicked.

 

It was never my intention of getting into an LDR. In fact, I pointedly avoided it at all costs ("They never work, right?"). A few times, penpals would say they feel very strongly for me or thought they were falling for me and I had to shut them down (besides, I didn't feel the same way).

 

Me and my SO, we talked for about 7 months (strictly platonic). We talked about our cultures, our ways of life, our values, our histories, our dreams, etc etc etc. The more we talked, the more we wanted to know about each other. We shared pictures, stories, and I even sent some videos of me playing songs on the guitar (music is an important part of who I am). For Christmas, as a gift, she sent me an audio file she had made as a gift and I will never forget the first time I heard her voice. My chest ached. One day, she asked me, "When you see these pictures, do you ever feel you want to kiss the girl in them?" That was the start of when we admitted that we liked each other in a very deep way. Over time we would flirt, the feelings would grow stronger, and so would our language

 

Over the New Year break, she had a long break away from her graduate studies and we talked every day over web cam. We would talk for 7-8 hours, sometimes, and if we ran out of things to say we simply wouldn't talk and that was ok, too (almost impossible to talk that long without something else to do). It was like spending time with each other, truly amazing.

 

Just last week, we broke the "love" barrier by admitting we loved each other. This was actually very difficult for me because saying those words is very important to me and I think inside I was still fighting making the LDR that serious. Eventually I had had to admit to myself how I truly felt, I could no longer deny it, and if I felt that way then I should let her know. Having admitted this to ourselves and each other, I feel very good about our relationship as if a wall has been removed. Relieved. It seems to get stronger every day.

 

We seem to take everything in stride; we both seem very capable of compromise. Like a tree bending in a stiff breeze, we just seem to cope very well with the difficulties. I think the key is having good communication and being realistic about difficulties we might have in the future.

 

For example, she is looking for a job and doesn't know where she will end up. Knowing that I had planned on teaching English in China for a year or two, I told her "No matter where you end up, I will follow". I wasn't just being cute, either, I meant that 100%. The reality is, I can teach English ANYWHERE in China, it would be very easy for me to find a job no matter where she works. Then, I had a job interview (I will finish my Mech. Engineer degree in August, trying to find jobs to save money before I go to China) and it was pretty much the job of my dreams. The money is excellent, the benefits are the best, job security is unquestionable, and it's exactly the field I want to work in. After the interview, I explained this to her because I was worried what she might think. I wanted her input on what to do. The issue was, if I took this job and left after a year I would probably NEVER be able to get back in. If I took the job, then I wouldn't be able to teach in China. On the upside, I would have the money and the free time to visit her often. She told me I should take the job, it's best for me and if things really work out between us then it would be the best option for US, together. It seems no matter what pops up in our lives, we have the ability to make it work to the satisfaction of both of us.

 

Initially, I had planned on living in China (probably permanently), so I asked her if she really thought she could stand living away from her family and friends. I was worried because we had always assumed I would live there, so I didn't know how she would feel about that. She told me how important I was to her and that she would, as long as her mother could visit frequently It seems the bottom line is this: we want to be a part of each others lives, we are important to each other, and we are both willing to work to do what has to be done. When talking about the job I might get, I told her plainly: you are very important to me and I want you to be a part of my life. My life is better with her in it (and this is something she has explicitly stated to me, as well).

 

Cultural differences really haven't been that bad. Not as bad as most people assume, at least. It helps that we are both very accepting and understanding. One example is that it is normal to pay (bribe) officials money to get things done quicker such as forms, licenses, etc etc etc. I told her that goes against my values and I don't think I would ever be able to do that. She told me not to worry, she would do it for me since it's simply the way things are done there

 

The difficulty we have now is that she has to work 10-16 hours per day on her master's thesis and we've both noticed that if we chat on IM then she doesn't get anything done. This is very important so we both decided it was best if I don't reply to her messages when she is awake So instead, we simply send each other messages throughout the day when the other person is asleep. I truly miss talking with her and it is so very, very hard to not reply when she sends me a message when I am at my computer.

 

The hardest thing about this relationship is not being able to be with each other. I don't only mean in the sexual way (although we have had some interesting conversations ), but in the loved one way. I imagine things such as us simply going for a walk, having dinner, meeting with friends, or even mundane things like arguing about who will do the dishes. When I think about these things, my chest burns with desire. I want to hold her close the most at those times.

 

Still, those difficulties are nothing compared to the happiness we have found so we will work through these difficulties and emerge closer and better people because of it. We don't have a set meeting date simply because I don't know when I will be able to visit due to not knowing how that job situation will turn out. What is motivating, though, is that we are certain that time will come within the next 6 months to a year and because of the job she might get (teaching) there will be plenty of free time to spend during my visits there. She has even stated she could pursue her doctorate in whatever city I am working in, do you see her willingness to compromise?

 

We are very optimistic about the future. We've talked about the future alot, and we are very anxious to see those things come true. We talk about those things but also realize that nothing is concrete, everything is fluid. We are taking things very slowly with the realization that we might not work out after living together for some time, nobody really knows, right? So, instead of worrying about those kinds of things, we simply enjoy what we can share now and look forward to when we can share all of our time together. I can't tell you how much we are looking forward to that time and we have discovered that it is a motivator to both of us to do the things we need to do. While we are unsure about the specific path we will have to travel, we are certain on the destination.

 

 

 

That is my novel. I feel much better

[Els]

Glad for you! It's nice to see happy stories here sometimes, indeed.

 

I'm curious though - have you actually visited China before? Not because I doubt her, but because many places in China really aren't the best places to live, especially for one who comes from a first-world country (as I assume you do).

 

This is assuming you both happen to take the China route as opposed to the US route of course.

[buentiel]

I've never been there, too busy with school, although I've talked to many people who have (Americans, I mean). If you are thinking mud huts (owing to the first-world country comment), that's not an accurate description, haha. I would likely live in a large city. This is one of the things I discovered after deciding to study China: it's not what people think it is. If you are referring to pollution or something like that, I'm aware of those kinds of things. Actually, the thing most Americans have difficulty with is being immersed 24/7 in a foreign culture. They get burned out on it.

[Els]

Oh no, I'm not thinking mud huts - I live in a third world country myself. Some of my relatives are from China, because we're Chinese. Of course they have brick buildings, even some skyscrapers. But I'm talking more about quality of life. How they treat foreigners (and yes, they will view you as a foreigner, China is hardly a multiracial/multicultural community), their public toilets (seriously! ), their standards of healthcare, education, work culture, political transparency, etc. Third world countries are all fine and dandy to visit, but when you base your life and family in them, you realize that there's much more to a first world country than just brick buildings.

[buentiel]

Ah, I see. I suppose I'm a bit jaded, most people who ask me that kind of thing think it's just a horrible place like the dark ages or something. Americans seem pretty ignorant of China (I should know, I was too). I would love to say, "Oh, yes, I know all about that". After all, I've studied the country for over 4 years now so I should have a pretty firm grasp, right? The reality is, the more I learn about China the less I know about China. Regarding things that you mentioned, all of them, I've read about them all from books, expat forums, blogs, etc. I have probably spent a thousand hours or more learning what living in China is like. That doesn't mean I understand (after all, reading about it is one thing and living it is another). I don't think I will ever know, for sure, until I've lived there and can make a decision for myself. May decide to live in the U.S., I just don't know. Well, if I get that job, I do know haha

[Els]

The thing about places like China is that the image they portray of themselves on the media is rarely the true image of life in it. My own country is the same. China's politics/government is still inherently communist - didn't you hear of them trying to ban Google?

 

I would strongly recommend that you go visit (for a significant period of time at least, and don't just hit the tourist spots) before you decide which job to take. Not only to see China, but to see her. It's really a good idea to see if you click in person before making any long-term decisions about the relationship.

Edited March 17, 2010 by Elswyth

[sweetjasmine]

I would strongly recommend that you go visit (for a significant period of time at least, and don't just hit the tourist spots) before you decide which job to take. Not only to see China, but to see her. It's really a good idea to see if you click in person before making any long-term decisions about the relationship.

 

This is good advice.

 

I would suggest staying at least two months if you can swing it. In my experience, in a new country, the shine starts to wear off and homesickness starts to kick in at around 3-4 weeks. And even then, you might not get a fully accurate impression of what it's like to live there.

 

I hope it all works out for you. You sound happy.

[buentiel]

Oh, god, tell me about it. I don't pay any attention to the image they portray, I simply learn from my friends that live there hehe

 

Yah, those are things I've decided on already. I've allotted myself a minimum one year trial period to see if I like living there, 2 years to see if I want to stay. After that time (or before, if I absolutely can't stand it), I will make my decision. Regarding the relationship, we talk about things in the future but we don't make any concrete decisions. What we are focused on now is doing what we have to do that will enable us to spend time together so that we can get to know each other better. Specifically, she's trying to finish her masters and get a job teaching at a university while I have to finish my degree and get a job that has good pay and generous vacation days. We are on the right track towards that now, just a matter of time and hard work. We have no definite plans on marriage, where we would raise a family, etc. However, we've certainly discussed it