Sorry to clutter up the forum with the same old story, but I needed to vent

[starlings]

I don't like to throw around the word "in love," because I try not to overdramatize things, but I've fallen in love with a friend of mine and it's been a cycle of ups and downs ever since I realized it.

 

I'm in my mid-20's, he's in his mid-30's. We met in class and while we didn't hit it off immediately, we did progress quickly into hanging out, texting all the time, liquored and un-liquored flirting. We make each other laugh a lot. We're both at a crossroads in our lives and careers so there has been a lot of talking about some deep stuff, our characters, and sometimes our families. So I feel like we're close on that level, but then, we are remarkably quiet when it comes to the usual details that people exchange. For example, I have no idea about his dating history, nor he does have any idea of mine.

 

I'm sure he's not really into me. Sometimes I like to imagine that he is, like he's repressed it because in a move to protect myself I make it seem that he and I are just platonic. But I think there would have been other signs, if this was the case, and they aren't there. (Of course, on off-days I do think they are there and he does like me, but this just messes with my head, because the next time there will be nothing.)

 

Today he went to dinner with someone else in our class and the jealousy nearly drove me up the wall. And I felt I'd played it so cool lately, been flirting in a reasonable manner, so I'm frustrated at myself on top of being generally frustrated. Christ, what an emotional rollercoaster!

 

I know the usual move would be to air all this out in the open, but I don't want that. I hate this cliche, but: it honestly would ruin everything. It would make things awkward and... you know, I somehow can't see us progressing into going-to-non-platonic-dinner-together sorts of dates. I think we're friends for now and probably will stop being such close friends once our time in school together stops.

 

Anyway. Not quite heartbroken, but hurting. I've never liked nor been attracted to anyone quite this much before. With other guys, I've always managed to keep a foot on the ground, but not this time. And of course it has to be with a guy who's not into me! I'm not a glutton for punishment like this either!

 

Any words of wisdom would be welcome, but honestly I just needed to speak my mind. Thanks for reading.

[JohnM]

Always helps to vent, suppose it depends which you value more. Do you want to be a close platonic friend or is your great desire for you and him to have something more, a romantic connection? If its an uncontrollable urge to tell him how you feel you really need to have a deep think about the situation and how things would change.

 

I can totally understand the factor that you don't want to rock the boat and mess up the total relationship you have (platonic or not). You just have to weigh up if its worth the gamble or if you think you can shut off your feelings in return for a friendship you can be content with. I have gone through something similar and it usually comes up somewhere along the line if the thoughts dont go away so to speak.

 

Is it getting you down, like really affecting your mood?

[starlings]

(I wrote the above when I was, ah, very emotional. A bit more levelheaded now!)

 

I can't say that I have an urge to tell him all, nor does it usually affect my mood. I enjoy being with him and we talk about things that, quite frankly, I can't talk to anyone else about, so it's a friendship that I value and that I feel is good for me. I don't think I want to risk it. Yet, anyway.

 

It's just that some days, it's like asghaghdja!!!!OMG sorts of mini-emotional implosions. You know?

[JohnM]

I know what you mean haha. Even the most composed people need to go a bit mental sometimes and you tend to blow things out of proportion because you contain it usually. Probably why you enjoy having someone close you can confide in. Luckily I have a few people I offer that support to me, a few close friends.

[saltnpepper]

I'm thinking perhaps the most clean attraction and love is mutual and non-possessive. Rare probably.

 

My gf and I appear to be deeply in love. We both have committed primary relationships. We have each spontaneously indicated that if the other's normal life requires it, we'll back off. I find no desire to own or control her, but simply feel cherished and honored that she wishes to spend time with me. I get the same vibe from her.

 

In looking back, I see that I've had this non-possessive thing going on in me for a long time, but I've been with a possessive, but sweet, spouse. Kind of stifling. Often backfires, being possessive.

 

Good luck.