In danger of becoming 'The Other Woman'.

[Brokenlady]

Nope! HA.

My brother is in college & just got out of a 2.5 year relationship. He says it's easy to feel guilty when the girl cries, 'etc'.

 

I'm sure it is easy to feel guilt. Guilt is a good thing sometimes. But it shouldn't promote inaction when you know what is right. The word that comes to mind for this is "immature".

[xenomaniac]

I'm just going to ask him tonight if I'm wasting my bloody time. The end.

[torranceshipman]

You'll get a wishy washy non committal response if you do that.

[xenomaniac]

That's fine. I'll call him out on it.

[carhill]

OP, don't ask him *questions*. Tell him what *you* are going to *do*. Then, *do* it...

[xenomaniac]

OP, don't ask him *questions*. Tell him what *you* are going to *do*. Then, *do* it...

 

 

Actually, yeah.

 

That's pretty much my plan.

 

Simultaneously, my ex is sending me threatening texts. 'Amazing'.

 

I pick such winners.

[carhill]

No worries. Block the ex and next the next 'whatever he is'. Done and done.

 

See, isn't that easy? It really is, you know. We're our own worst enemies when it comes to any type of interpersonal relationship.

[georgia girl]

xenomaniac,

 

Just my two cents but you seem to be very romanced by the idea of this man and this potential relationship; perhaps even a little enticed that he would choose you over his current girlfriend as well. That's very understandable - because that's very heady stuff.

 

But here's the reality that everyone's trying to tell you: actions will match words when someone is being honest. His don't. He tells you he's trying to break up with her but she's still living with him. He tells you he wants you to be "his girlfriend someday" but he isn't doing anything (other than talking to you) tangible to make that happen. His sheer interest in you should be enough for him to be happy - somewhat remorseful maybe, but happy - to move on. He isn't doing that.

 

You have found yourself a charmer. A guy who really appears to be a good man, but he's not. He's a talker and a promiser. But, at this point, he is making a choice to put two women into his life, promise them things he cannot deliver on, and subsequently lie to each of them in turn. Don't kid yourself, by the way, that he's lying to you.

 

Whether or not you get involved with someone is not really anyone's concern other than your own, so I'm not going to get moralistic here. But, you do sound a lot younger than my nearly 40 years and I was out there kissing frogs for a long time. The real man you want will be the one who is willing to unequivocally choose you. A real man would make the hard choices that had to be made, have those difficult conversations and make himself free to be with you.

 

By your own accounting of his actions and words - even with the mitigating factors you throw in - I would not trust this guy. Tell him that if he wants you that badly, then he can offer you everything you need. If he doesn't, then he's not worth your time. If he gives you another excuse, then understand that he's really not worth your time.

 

Choose to love yourself first, respect your own worth and demand it of your partner. Only when you negotiate what you really want and need in a relationship can you have a healthy, successful one. Compromising your own needs is a sure script for failure - regardless of whatever heroic attempts you make in the future to ward it off.

 

Sorry for the tough love, but I've been in your shoes. I also walked away from the man I loved and "knew" I was supposed to marry because he couldn't commit. He played hell earning his way back into my life but we are now getting married. Set the bar high for yourself - it's so worth it!

[NoIDidn't]

Honestly, it seems the OP is already the OW. Should his current, live-in GF find out about the make-out sessions and the things he's said about their R being over when she didn't seem to know that, she is going to feel and act betrayed.

 

Maybe their R is over. But considering the fact that there have only really been two dates, and that he's keeping his interactions with the OP a secret - IMO, she's already the OW. Someone else called it "pre-rebound" or something like that.

 

He hasn't finished his previous relationship entirely yet. He's not completely ended it. Until he does, the OP is already his OW - at least that's the way his GF is going to see it.

 

If his R is really almost over, the OP's walking away may be the catalyst to get him to truly end it if he wants to have a chance with her.

[xenomaniac]

I am 'walking away' as of tonight. I'm not even sure I need to have the big discussion or not. If I just quietly disappear, it may be more effective. If he wants me, he'll have to work for it. The end.

[xenomaniac]

Honestly, it seems the OP is already the OW. Should his current, live-in GF find out about the make-out sessions and the things he's said about their R being over when she didn't seem to know that, she is going to feel and act betrayed.

 

Maybe their R is over. But considering the fact that there have only really been two dates, and that he's keeping his interactions with the OP a secret - IMO, she's already the OW. Someone else called it "pre-rebound" or something like that.

 

He hasn't finished his previous relationship entirely yet. He's not completely ended it. Until he does, the OP is already his OW - at least that's the way his GF is going to see it.

 

If his R is really almost over, the OP's walking away may be the catalyst to get him to truly end it if he wants to have a chance with her.

 

 

Yeah, I'm really uncomfortable about the whole situation. I don't want to encourage it to continue in this context. In a way, I'm doing everyone a favor by just disappearing. If he wants me, he needs to leave her & date me legitimately. I'm not used to this crap. I'm used to 110% effort & I will accept nothing less. [/Miranda Priestly]

[VBH]

Yeah, I'm really uncomfortable about the whole situation. I don't want to encourage it to continue in this context. In a way, I'm doing everyone a favor by just disappearing. If he wants me, he needs to leave her & date me legitimately. I'm not used to this crap. I'm used to 110% effort & I will accept nothing less. [/Miranda Priestly]

 

I agree with you here. I would just caution you that sometimes when you just "disappear", they don't "get it". There may be a point when you are contacted and you will still have to explain yourself and set your standards. Believe me, I have tried the walk away tactic and they contact you after awhile like nothing is wrong. Ugh. Not fun and the OP learned nothing from the experience.

 

A person who doesn't like confrontation is someone who just wants things to blow over (I'd be a bit concerned about someone with this communication style btw for working out future relationship issues). Decide what you want and be strong. When you are contacted again (and most likely you will be), then lay your cards on the table and stand firm. That's it. No ifs ands or buts.....

 

VBH

Edited March 18, 2010 by VBH

[fooled once]

There's no question that their relationship is about to die.

 

It comes down to whether I should keep him on my radar until that happens or just move on.

 

Was just talking to my brother about this, and he says: "You don't get it. It ISN'T that easy to just break up with someone you've been with for years. It isn't such an immediate thing. It's a shame you developed interest in him before he's fully single, but I understand it from his perspective, too. It is not black and white."

 

I 'broke up' my marriage after 9 years. Ending my marriage was obviously easier than this guy ending a relationship with a girl - NOT a marriage with this girl - a relationship.

 

You seem to want to fight what every one is saying, and that's your right.

 

But just because you want it to happen doesn't mean it will (him ending the relationship).

 

Interesting though, he didn't respond to any of your attempts at communication until you did the whole "fine, I won't contact you anymore" emails (which is just another game, IMHO).

 

Also, if he supposedly moved out for a whole week - why didn't he contact you?

 

You will wait -- and wait, and wait -- until a year from now and you are tired of waiting. At that point, the girl friend may pop up pregnant and he will tell you have she forced herself on him and he really didn't want to have sex with her -- but she cried, so he did.

 

This "proof" you have of the break up (is this facebook stuff?) I mean, you hadn't heard from him supposedly so how did you know about it and why are you looking at her facebook? How often do you check out her page? Do people really conduct their personal lives on facebook? I mean, I know kids do, but I didn't think adults used facebook that way

 

Either embrace being the OW and 'life for today' or choose not to do - as you put it

something that would compromise my ideals and my own sense of self-worth.

 

The choice is yours. I personally don't get why any woman would wait on a wishy washy guy who doesn't want to upset someone by breaking up with them....

[ADF]

One of the biggest conceits people have about themselves is that they're complicated. Bullfeathers. Most people aren't complicated. Most people are simple. Their minds are simple, their motives are simple, their stories are simple. Nine times out of ten, when someone gives you some complicated, convoluted story about their lives, they're just covering up for something pretty simple.

 

If this guy really wanted to get his so-called ex-GF out of his life and out of his house, he would have done so already. The fact he hasn't means he doesn't want to. You're not in danger of becoming the other woman, you ARE the other woman. You have been for a while. And you will continue to be unless you open your eyes. This guy is just trying to have it both ways. I suggest you refuse to have more contact of any kind with him until he loses the "ex" and makes sure she stays. If he balks at this, kick him to curb, already. He's making a fool out of you.

Edited March 19, 2010 by ADF

[xenomaniac]

OH. Something happened today that kind of changes everything.

I'll update when I can.

[2sunny]

Yup, it's him. Some things have changed since that post, however. He recently explained why he withdrew from me for those weeks...basically, he found himself falling for me & ran because he hadn't felt that way for someone since...you guessed it, "the ex". He was confused and didn't know how to tell me the "full story" then. HOWEVER: it turns out he's NOT interested in pursuing her now. Apparently, he had a change of heart and realized it was better to move forward without her then attempt to "get closure" (and apparently, she's moved on from him long ago). Anyway, he now tells me that she isn't really a factor "between us", but that he himself needs to ease into the role of "boyfriend material" again since it's been years since he last attempted that role. He even said to me that he foresees an actual "formal" relationship for us soon, but he wants us to work on it together when I move into the city (which is actually next week) and he comes back from his promo duties overseas (early April). He said, "as long as you are still there because I don't want to lose you". I really do want to make it work with him. We have a lot between us and I think his interest in me is both significant yet very complex and it either makes him boyishly idealistic or suddenly awkward. I've never met anyone like this before. And my friends say he really is an exceptionally odd case. I guess we'll see how it goes in April...

 

I should mention that though our "involvement" has lasted 3 months, it's not been a continuous three months. It's been split into various modes: the initial dating period (December), the "cool off"/"I need to think about this" period (January, when we were "friends", not "lovers"), and the reconciliation period (February through now), where we decided we indeed did want to make "us" work romantically, a decision which was based on a reassessment of his own attitudes. So, it hasn't really been your typical 3 month trajectory. We had a fast, passionate kick-off, a burn-out, then a relaunch. :rolleyes: That said, I know what you are saying about when things seem complex, there is usually a reason. In my head, despite all this, our "pros" outweigh our "cons". If it stops seeming worth it, I'll bail. Until then, because it's so rare that I actually connect with a male like this, I feel compelled to weather the storm, so to speak.

 

is this the same guy as last years thread you started?

 

if so - can you see how he's lied, lied, lied?

 

and there was reason why he would speed up - slow down... he had a girlfriend - someone else that required his time and attention - and he wouldn't tell you...

 

how is that loving behavior? if it is him...

[xenomaniac]

LOL! No. That guy is long gone. If you read my original post, you'd see I only met this guy in December 2009 & we've only been briefly 'involved'. It's not a huge deal yet.

[2sunny]

if it's not a big deal yet - then i would step away until he is completely available.

 

he is still very involved with the gal he's been with.

 

if he really wants you - he will break it off completely with her.

 

tell him not to call you until she is COMPLETELY out of the picture... until then - you are his OW. his back up plan.

[xenomaniac]

I agree with you--something happened today, though! Without me even saying a word.

'Amazing.'

Will update here in a few days when I have more perspective.

[2sunny]

I agree with you--something happened today, though! Without me even saying a word.

'Amazing.'

Will update here in a few days when I have more perspective.

 

just post what happened. everyone here can give you their own perspective.

[2sunny]

i'm not a mind reader - your original post here never stated when you started dating him - it was very vague, at best. never a month or year given.

 

i can say that for you to keep posting that something happened - and then not to post what that was - is very childish.

 

posters here hate to help after they see that game being played. thought you should understand what you are creating for yourself...

Edited March 19, 2010 by 2sunny

[torranceshipman]

I should think he said something non committal and vague - including a promise or suggestion that xenomania wants to hear - to Xenomania to keep her hanging around, & xenomania has been led to believe that something notable will be happening in a few days (standard stuff) so she'll keep hanging around for him. A move seen on LS about a thousand times before...

[whichwayisup]

I agree with you--something happened today, though! Without me even saying a word.

 

Meaning? Something "happened" and ... ? You want to be his side dish?

 

Take the time to really read posts in this section. Right now you DO have control and a choice in whether or not you want to do this. You haven't invested much, so why bother opening that door??

[fooled once]

From those posts that 2sunny posted and the original on this thread...anyone else get the feeling that Xen likes guys who are involved with someone else? I see a pattern.....

 

Yep, I bet he told her he told his girlfriend she had until xx date to move, so Xen is excited now because she thinks she has gotten the guy.

 

But still confused --since a lot of what she posted on this thread was very familiar to what she posted/felt like with the other guy who had a girlfriend -- even the TIME period....

[movingfwd]

I'm curious what happened... where's the update?