Wife confessed she had a one night stand

[spriggig]

You're in MC, good. Keep trying to move forward and leave the past in the past.

 

My wife cheated on me, at least emotionally. After picking over our relationship with tweezers, I understand why.

 

Did I deserve to be cheated on?

 

Did she deserve 10 years of emotional and sexual neglect?

 

No to both. What's happened has happened. If she can forgive me, I can forgive her. She hasn't forgiven me yet, but I'm ready to forgive her.

 

I'm sure there are relationships where one side is completely innocent, but they are few and far between.

 

Will she cheat on me again? Maybe. But, who's to say another woman wouldn't too? So, the risk is there no matter what.

 

Finally, and this one might be a little too far out there for many here but, she had sex with several men before she met me. IF she had sex with the OM, why should that really matter to me/us? The damage done by cheating is defined by the people involved, not society.

[seibert253]

I think you're on the right track.

 

Google "Diminished Capacity" and rape.

 

According to what I read, you CANNOT legally consent to sex if you are drunk.

 

I also found this:

http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/drug-facilitated-assault

 

Laws vary from state to state. Most laws require some type of incapaciation to reach the level of not being able to consent. Good rule of thumb is if she remembers what happened, there existed no force or threat of force, and she verbally or physically did not "object" to what was occuring, legally this probably doesn't rise to the level of rape.

 

Was she taked advantage of; yes. Was she raped, IMO there's not enough data to come to that conclusion.

Remember, the only two people who really know what happened were the two participants. The original poster only knows what his FWW is telling them. For us BS's we all know how reliable that info can be.

[itmustbeme]

I'm really confused now with all the different opinions. What I do know is that I want to fix this, it will be a lot of work but with love I know it can work out.

 

Still unclear on the "rape" or not issue. We need to talk it out more.

 

Sorry for what you are going through but stuff like this always make me shake my head.

 

Rooster have you ever went out and got drunk? If you did since you were drunk did you have sex with anyone? Now if you are a guy nobody is going to say to you that you were raped will they. I don't know why since when you think about it how can a drunk guy be in any more control than a drunk woman?

 

Woman should not be allowed to drink if they cannot give consent. When you drive drunk your defense can't be that you were drunk.

 

Why don't you go out and get drunk and bang some chicks to see how it works for you. I guess my point is you are focusing on him when she is the one who took the vows with you. He is not married to you and if he is single he wants to get a little on the side. Her job as your wife is to not sleep with anyone else. She is the one who failed not him.

 

Didn't she admit that she was attracted to him. I don't know maybe he was a good looking guy and she wanted to try some strange. It happens and if you don't think so go and read all of the posts from men who had their wives cheat on them. They never get the truth.

 

The fact that you would want to send this guy to jail for having sex with your wife to me is a crime. You want to let her off free but you want to send him to jail?

 

What you should be asking is how did your wife screw a guy after just meeting him. Also if she is attracted to him and she has already had sex with him it is easier for her to go back and do it again. Maybe this was her first time but maybe it was not. If it were me I would probably hook her up to a polygraph and get the truth.

 

Regardless I am sorry for what you are going through. It sucks but focus on your wife. This OM is not the problem but you wife is. Good luck to you man.

[txsilkysmoothe]

I'm very sorry for your current circumstance.

 

Your wife said it was not rape. It's not like she was unconscious. Unless I read incorrectly, she layed down in a male roommates bedroom (and not her female friends bedroom) and went to sleep. She woke because of the loud music and he just happened to be in the room with her? Odd, but it is his room. Instead of getting the hell out of his room, she starts drinking with him - even though she had clearly already drank too much. Then the dvd, then the sex.

 

Bottom line, she confessed immediately. It does appear she regrets her behavior. If you can forgive her and get passed this, that is great. I think you should focus on you and her and NOT on the man she cheated with. You won't find any comfort in more detail or blaming him.

 

On this site, you are going to get responses from those that will rip your wife apart -that's just what they do on LS. And you will get responses from those who want to see your wife (a woman) as a victim - it's just what they do. It's best for you to decide if you can accept what has happened and forgive her.

[JustJoe]

Mr. Rooster, YOU ARE BEING PLAYED!! She has taken a very cunning and pro-active approach to her CHEATING (that's what it was). She is accepting responsibility, (sort of) she is admitting guilt (sort of) she is sorry (sort of) BUT always with excuses, always with reasons and angles. Why? To deflect your anger, and weasel her way back into your good graces. You were away for a week-end. She can't keep her legs closed for TWO DAYS? What's going to happen if you (god-forbid) should have to leave for a week or two or more? How many other men will she have? How many other times will she be lonely or drunk? Do you , knowing what happened, think you could ever trust her out of your sight? I'm sorry , Dude, but if you take her back, I predict a future with many more tearful confessions.

[troggleputty]

I think you're on the right track.

 

Google "Diminished Capacity" and rape.

 

According to what I read, you CANNOT legally consent to sex if you are drunk.

 

I also found this:

http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/drug-facilitated-assault

 

 

Wow. I've been raped numerous times by many women and I didn't even know it.

 

Thank you for advising me of that.

 

Now I feel terrible.

[troggleputty]

so may be she is trully sorry , but i do suspect this was not the first time

 

 

Well maybe she's a "Foreigner" fan, and "it feels like the first time"?

[troggleputty]

In a strictly legal sense, since she was that drunk she cannot have given legal consent and therefore was 'raped'. Ask her if she is aware of that, and if she wants to press charges. I expect her answer would be interesting, indeed.

 

People have sex all the time while legally drunk and that doesn't mean the sex was non-consensual and it certainly doesn't constitute rape.

 

Yes, folks at LS, in the real world, people can indeed "get drunk and screw," and many do so rather frequently.

 

I suspect the only person who would actually contend that merely being legally drunk while having sex eliminates its otherwise consensual nature are those looking for a "morning-after excuse."

[troggleputty]

I'm sure you are confused...but there is some really good advice in this thread. Many of the questions that other posters are asking here are questions that you want to ask your wife and in some cases, ask yourself.

 

Many of the opinions offer perspectives that may or may not be true for you and your wife but they are definitely food for thought. Take some of these difficult questions and present them to your wife--in your own words of course.

 

Exactly a year ago I came here posting my first thread about my husband's drunken ONS...some of the responses here remind me of those on my thread.

 

Some of the posts hurt me terribly, some of the posts were ridiculous and some reflected the tough questions I needed to ask. But, I would read and respond to my thread during the day and then go home to my H and ask him the difficult questions based on what I had gleaned from my thread that day. (of course, he never knew where I was getting all those questions from)

 

I learned a lot about my H's affair during the course of that thread. I should probably go back and read it again sometime--but I fear it would bring back sad memories.

 

Obviously since your h was drunk when he had his ONS, then according to at least two of the posters on this thread, he was not at fault. No, in actuality, your h is a rape victim.

 

Don't blame him. Comfort him.

[troggleputty]

....and, of course, if both of the people having the illicit sex happen to be legally drunk while "in the act," why then of course they've just raped each other.

 

Criminal? Victim?

 

Who cares. They both have an excuse for what they did.

[troggleputty]

YOU know your wife. So, your instincts are probably correct.

 

I would doubt this would be taken to trial, but it doesn't sound like she was "all there".

Were you wanting to press charges? I thought you were concerned with forgiving her and whether it was cheating.

I just wanted to provide a - realistic - alternative to all the "yeah she's a slut the alcohol just brought it out" posts.

 

 

OK. Let's say the OP's wife was drunk.

 

But, what if the man she had sex with was even drunker?

 

Then she would be guilty of having raped him.

 

Right?

[troggleputty]

Laws vary from state to state. Most laws require some type of incapaciation to reach the level of not being able to consent. Good rule of thumb is if she remembers what happened, there existed no force or threat of force, and she verbally or physically did not "object" to what was occuring, legally this probably doesn't rise to the level of rape.

 

Was she taked advantage of; yes. Was she raped, IMO there's not enough data to come to that conclusion.

Remember, the only two people who really know what happened were the two participants. The original poster only knows what his FWW is telling them. For us BS's we all know how reliable that info can be.

 

 

"Taken advantage of"? Either the sex she had was consensual, or it was not. Yes or no.

 

"Taken advantage of"?

 

What is that phrase even supposed to mean?

[bestplayer]

Believe me mate, there'S NO MISTAKE here. She ***ed him and that's it!. Prolly she was intelligent enough to guess that he would find that out so she's playing the drama here; acting the sincere, regretful partner. She is a drama queen. She doesn't regret any shiat, she is testing the waters to see if she can add another default to the relationship: and that is an open relationship. A slam-bam or a bed/breakfast or an affair, doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating.

 

...and besides, this is the only cheat that was revealed. God knows how many times she did it.

 

I would dump such a c..t rightaway - not even give it a 2nd thought

 

Mind you please tell me.... Think this happened to you. Would you forgive and take her back?

 

i would take her back only if she is damn good-looking

[xxoo]

OK. Let's say the OP's wife was drunk.

 

But, what if the man she had sex with was even drunker?

 

Then she would be guilty of having raped him.

 

Right?

 

According to the law in some states in the US, a woman can not consent to sex while drunk. It does not matter if the man is also drunk (may be a mitigating factor, but does not prevent charges from being pressed). You may not like the law, but, in many cases, that is the law. Be advised.

 

I'm not sure what role the letter of the law plays in this particular situation between a husband and his wife. In this case, the wife says she consented. The law may argue she was not able to legally consent, but the husband is still left with a wife that voluntarily drank too much and slept with another man.

[Snowflower]

Obviously since your h was drunk when he had his ONS, then according to at least two of the posters on this thread, he was not at fault. No, in actuality, your h is a rape victim.

 

Don't blame him. Comfort him.

 

 

That's absolutely ridiculous and not helpful to the OP.

 

We are not talking about my H here--I was offering the OP (remember the OP?-it's his thread afterall) a little perspective from someone (me) who faced a somewhat similar situation. I never said being drunk was an excuse of any kind.

 

OP, I hope you're doing okay. Please post again if you feel up to it.

[stillafool]

I am so sick of people using the old "I was drunk" excuse for doing what they really wanted to do. The alcohol may have lowered her inhibitions but she knew what she was doing. When the alcohol wore off, guilt set in and it is easier to blame it on the alcohol than to except that you:

 

-were in the roommates room (why didn't she go in her friend's room when he showed up?) Don't say because she was drunk. She was coherent enough to

 

-watch a porn flick

 

-then have sex. Since they were watching porn, did she give this guy oral also.

 

I'm sorry dude, I'm a lady and this "got little old me drunk" story just doesn't add up. How do you know she didn't have crush on the roommate and just happened to end up sleep in his room while you were away?

[stillafool]

In a strictly legal sense, since she was that drunk she cannot have given legal consent and therefore was 'raped'. Ask her if she is aware of that, and if she wants to press charges. I expect her answer would be interesting, indeed.

 

 

This is excellent! Yes ask her and let us know her response. I can almost the guarantee the answer will be NO!

[Church Bells]

I was away for the weekend to the east coast. Her female friend invited her to place for a party. I completely trusted my wife and although I knew she might drink I didn't think anything would happen.

 

Ended up she slept with one of her room mates. She was heavily drinking and doing shots but then went to sleep in one of the room mates bedroom. She then awoke later in the night because the music was loud and she started talking and drinking more with the room mate. One thing led to the next and he put a dvd in the room to watch it, he made the first move and then they had sex.

 

rooster,

 

I'm going to provide some insight into your future, because nearly 3 years ago, I stood in your very shoes.

 

• WW's drunken ONS while on a girls only vacation with friends.
  
• No history of promiscuous behavior
  

However, you have one GOLDEN advantage ... your WW confessed IMMEDIATELY, where I had to discover my WW's A about 10 days after the ONS, by snooping through her computer due to her recent strange behavior, as she had started forming an Emotional Affair (EA) with OM by phone and email since her return from vacation. Note: OM lived approximately 500 miles away.

 

If you choose to attempt recovery of your M, there are two ABSOLUTES that have to be non-negotiable for your WW.

 

1. No Contact (NC) with OM for LIFE.
   
2. NC with enabling GF for LIFE.
   

In all honesty, these two items are what made recovery possible, and make no mistake, getting your WW to agree to NC with her friend will be more difficult than getting her to agree to NC with OM, but it is possible as well as MANDATORY for YOU to be able to move forward.

 

In effect, the consequences of her actions, means that she just LOST her best GF for LIFE ... NO EXCEPTIONS, as you simply will never get over this if her GF is still in the picture.

 

Also, 6-8 months from now, BE PREPARED, for an episode of pure RAGE like you have never experienced. You will be furios at OM, your WW and especially YOURSELF for ever agreeing to put yourself through such a HELLISH experience. This rage can be overcome, but only if you recognize it and take steps to control it. If you don't, it will destroy everything you come in contact with, including your M and possibly even your very life.

 

After experiencing this myself, I have come to the firm belief that "Immediate divorce is the appropriate response to a WW's Adultery.", with very few exceptions ... one of those being the situation you find yourself in ... a drunken ONS, with an immediate agreement of NC (assuming your WW agrees to NC with OM and GF), and a solid, remorseful WW.

 

Will your WW agree to immediate NC with OM AND GF?

[TaraMaiden]

"Taken advantage of"? Either the sex she had was consensual, or it was not. Yes or no.

 

"Taken advantage of"?

 

What is that phrase even supposed to mean?

 

troggleputty.... would you like to know how to 'multiquote' in one post?

Really, I'm asking! No sarcasm intended...It would just save you time, hun!

[stillafool]

troggleputty.... would you like to know how to 'multiquote' in one post?

Really, I'm asking! No sarcasm intended...It would just save you time, hun!

 

Yes, tell us TaraMaiden, we need help!

[spriggig]

Also, 6-8 months from now, BE PREPARED, for an episode of pure RAGE like you have never experienced. You will be furios at OM, your WW and especially YOURSELF for ever agreeing to put yourself through such a HELLISH experience.

 

WOAH! I'm about 10 weeks from discovering my wife's EA. There is some inkling of reconciliation just this week.

 

How common is this "rage"? Please expand on this.

 

Thank you.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, tell us TaraMaiden, we need help!

Oh, ok....

 

Go to the posts you want to quote from.

Bottom right, there is a speech-mark symbol with a cross by it, against a 'document'.

click on it. (the plus sign will turn to a minus, and the symbol will take on an orange colour background....)

Go down to the next post you want to quote from.

Click on those speech-marks.

Go to each post you want to quote from, and do the same.

Then, go to the bottom of the page, and bottom left, click on 'Post Reply'.

You'll get a post-box with all the previous posts you wanted to quote from.

go through each quoted post and delete whatever isn't relevant, leaving only the portion you want to respond to.

Respond accordingly.

Then 'Submit Reply'.

 

Hope that helps!

Edited March 18, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[stillafool]

Thanks Tara, some of us are just stupid.

[SoleMate]

Please talk to a rape crisis counselor about whether or not this was "really rape". You're getting a lot of voices here that tell you your wife was not raped. I am a lot less sure.

 

California Penal Code 261.6: "In prosecutions under Section 261, 262, 286, 288a, or 289 [i.e. for rape], in which consent is at issue, "consent" shall be defined to mean positive cooperation in act or attitude pursuant to an exercise of free will. The person must act freely and voluntarily and have knowledge of the nature of the act or transaction involved.

A current or previous dating or marital relationship shall not be sufficient to constitute consent where consent is at issue in a prosecution under Section 261, 262, 286, 288a, or 289.

Nothing in this section shall affect the admissibility of evidence or the burden of proof on the issue of consent.

Edited March 19, 2010 by SoleMate
adding legal code

[linwood]

I was away for the weekend to the east coast. Her female friend invited her to place for a party. I completely trusted my wife and although I knew she might drink I didn't think anything would happen.

 

Ended up she slept with one of her room mates. She was heavily drinking and doing shots but then went to sleep in one of the room mates bedroom. She then awoke later in the night because the music was loud and she started talking and drinking more with the room mate. One thing led to the next and he put a dvd in the room to watch it, he made the first move and then they had sex.

 

I am thinking that he took advantage of her, she would never ever cheat on me and is very remorse about the whole thing. She confessed as soon as I came home and broke down crying. She didn't want to lose me and is begging for forgiveness for her mistake. The guy knew she was happily married and I feel he took advantage of her. She was not falling down drunk but was stumbling. She says it wasn't rape but I am not convinced. Is she a victim and doesn't realize it or is that the remorse because it was consensual?

 

After much soul searching I am going to give it a second try and forgive her and work this out. We both realize that we will grow stronger and our love will be stronger after all this. I'm 100% sure that things will work out as soon as she comes back but now I am thinking what to do about this guy. I knew he took advantage of her because she was drunk but is that rape?

 

I was angry at her because I know alcohol is not an excuse, but I think it was 90% his fault and 10% hers. He did the first move.

 

I'm confused, not about the forgiveness because I know she is very sorry and will never do this again. She has told me she made a huge mistake and really regrets it and I believe her. I guess my issue is to either accept if it was truly 100% consensual or if he was forceful and she didn't know how to react or was somehow led to believe that she wanted it. She thinks he is a scumbag but for the moment is saying it was not rape.

 

Thanks

 

ER10

 

Of course I was very angry but I do love her and we decided she should go see her family in another state for a week so we can think things over.

 

You can`t be for real.

 

She says it wasn`t rape so therefore it wasn`t rape.

You are the only one to even bring the word up and it`s only because you so desperately want her to be innocent of infidelity.

 

She ****ed him AND she liked it.

She doesn`t think he`s a scumbag at all or she wouldn`t have ****ed him.

Drinking is not an excuse for screwing around.

 

DO NOT ALLOW HER TO LIE TO YOU!

Don`t accept it because she`ll lose respect for you and then you`re marriage will be over.

 

She has to confess every nasty detail and admit she was at fault and wanted it or your marriage is over anyway.

 

Forgive her if you want but keep your eye on her in the future to be sure it`s not a habit