Wife confessed she had a one night stand

[troggleputty]

According to the law in some states in the US, a woman can not consent to sex while drunk.

 

Well that's kind of vague, also, if true, probably unconstitutional discrimination on account of gender. So there may be such laws on the books in places like Alabama but I'd be surprised that such laws are enforceable.

 

I mean there are all kinds of crazy laws, like that it's illegal to eat peanuts on Sundays on Main Street in Minneapolis before 9:00 a.m.; but who ever enforces them?

 

 

It does not matter if the man is also drunk (may be a mitigating factor, but does not prevent charges from being pressed). You may not like the law, but, in many cases, that is the law. Be advised.

 

Before I decide whether or not I like the law I have to be sure such a law actually exists and has not been declared unenforceable by a court.

 

I'll reserve my judgment on that until you can be a little more specific.

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure what role the letter of the law plays in this particular situation between a husband and his wife. In this case, the wife says she consented. The law may argue she was not able to legally consent, but the husband is still left with a wife that voluntarily drank too much and slept with another man.

 

I could say with reasonable certainty that any law which sets different standards for drunken consent based solely on gender is undoubtedly unenforceable as unconstitutionally discriminatory.

 

No doubt there may be such laws but the question is are they still enforceable?

[troggleputty]

Please talk to a rape crisis counselor about whether or not this was "really rape". You're getting a lot of voices here that tell you your wife was not raped. I am a lot less sure.

 

California Penal Code 261.6: "In prosecutions under Section 261, 262, 286, 288a, or 289 [i.e. for rape], in which consent is at issue, "consent" shall be defined to mean positive cooperation in act or attitude pursuant to an exercise of free will. The person must act freely and voluntarily and have knowledge of the nature of the act or transaction involved.

A current or previous dating or marital relationship shall not be sufficient to constitute consent where consent is at issue in a prosecution under Section 261, 262, 286, 288a, or 289.

Nothing in this section shall affect the admissibility of evidence or the burden of proof on the issue of consent.

 

 

Wait, you left out the part of the California Penal Code where it says that if the woman is drunk she is incapable of giving consent.

 

Oh, snap....

[Jeff1962]

I've done something's while under the influence that I would not do sober but sleeping with someone other than my wife is not one of them.

 

I do not believe in the whole "I was drunk" defense. She slept with him because she wanted to, alcohol just let it out and there is a problem in your marriage.

 

I just cannot see any judge buying the whole drunk story. Judge and DA, I hit my wife because I was drunk and she cheated on me. Ok, we'll forgive you this time. WRONG!

 

Believe what you want.

[Church Bells]

WOAH! I'm about 10 weeks from discovering my wife's EA. There is some inkling of reconciliation just this week.

 

How common is this "rage"? Please expand on this.

 

Thank you.

 

I suppose it affects each of us differently, but after learning about all of this stuff that I never wanted to know over the past 3 years, as a BH, you will likely have a bout of rage at about the 6-8 month mark of recovery ... should you choose that route.

 

For me, I was more mad at MYSELF, but there was plenty enough to go around to my FWW and the OM. In retrospect, even though I had been warned to expect it, it hit me unexpectedly. D-Day was in July, 2007 and the rage hit in early spring 2008 and lasted for a couple of months. I suppose all of the drama of the A and its aftermath has subsided. My FWW was back to herself and trying to prove herself again, and things were getting somewhat back to normal.

 

THEN ... it hit me. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE ... I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG ... BUT NOW I HAVE TO PARTICIPATE IN CLEANING UP THIS SHI!T. OM got away basically without any form of punishment ... FWW still had a loving H and nice home ... and now I have to acquire a taste for ths shi!t sandwich on my plate ... WTF???

 

Also, if you're like me, you will have to deal with some pretty strong inner deamons. I was one of those guys that never thought this would happen to their W, and if it did, then I was outta here, but here I was trying to pick of the pieces of something that I had nothing to do with, and I took a pretty good self-inflicted hit to my own self-esteem ... and it just PISSED ME OFF!!!

 

Make no mistake, this is tough stuff and IT WILL take years off your life. If you don't have an EXCEPTIONAL FWW, then my best advice is to cut your losses NOW. Take a long hard look at your W ... and honestly answer one question ... Was this A an aberration of your W character or did it define it? If she has displayed flirty, disrespectful behavior in the past, if her family members have similar issues, if her closest friends don't fully support the M, if this is a repeat offense, don't even attempt R and go directly to D.

[spriggig]

... and honestly answer one question ... Was this A an aberration of your W character or did it define it? If she has displayed flirty, disrespectful behavior in the past, if her family members have similar issues, if her closest friends don't fully support the M, if this is a repeat offense, don't even attempt R and go directly to D.

 

Thank you, forewarned is forearmed.

 

I feel like I've dealt with most of this already, in my case. I've taken responsibility for my half of the marriage and dealt with the guilt and forgiven myself and I'm ready to forgive her. I've taken significant steps to improve myself. Really all that's left is for her to do the same.

 

I dealt with the anger I felt toward the OM, he really is a pretty nice guy as far as I can tell. She pursued him and I think he rejected her in the end, but I don't have all the details.

 

Her EA was a complete aberration for her and was a direct result of my neglect for her and her inability to confront me directly about it. There is no pattern of this in her family. I have no idea how her family or friends feel about this now, they always supported me/us before all this came to light, though.

[Doing it Since '78]

Thank you, forewarned is forearmed.

 

I feel like I've dealt with most of this already, in my case. I've taken responsibility for my half of the marriage and dealt with the guilt and forgiven myself and I'm ready to forgive her. I've taken significant steps to improve myself. Really all that's left is for her to do the same.

 

I dealt with the anger I felt toward the OM, he really is a pretty nice guy as far as I can tell. She pursued him and I think he rejected her in the end, but I don't have all the details.

 

Her EA was a complete aberration for her and was a direct result of my neglect for her and her inability to confront me directly about it. There is no pattern of this in her family. I have no idea how her family or friends feel about this now, they always supported me/us before all this came to light, though.

 

It is amazing how you are taking blame for her being too hot in the pants!

[Church Bells]

Thank you, forewarned is forearmed.

 

I feel like I've dealt with most of this already, in my case. I've taken responsibility for my half of the marriage and dealt with the guilt and forgiven myself and I'm ready to forgive her. I've taken significant steps to improve myself. Really all that's left is for her to do the same.

 

I dealt with the anger I felt toward the OM, he really is a pretty nice guy as far as I can tell. She pursued him and I think he rejected her in the end, but I don't have all the details.

 

Her EA was a complete aberration for her and was a direct result of my neglect for her and her inability to confront me directly about it. There is no pattern of this in her family. I have no idea how her family or friends feel about this now, they always supported me/us before all this came to light, though.

 

Overconfidence in the state of your R at 10 weeks post D-Day can bite you in the ass!!!

 

Disclaimer: This message was brought to you by "the voice of experience".

[spriggig]

It is amazing how you are taking blame for her being too hot in the pants!

 

No. You're wrong.

 

I'm not taking the blame for her infidelity. I'm taking the blame for refusing her sexual advances for several years until she gave up. Also, I'm taking the blame for not meeting her needs emotionally as a husband should. That is my HALF.

 

Her HALF is, I'll clarify, not confronting me directly (and barely even indirectly) with these issues and then choosing to carry on a two year EA with another man online. She has not taken explicit and full responsibility for her HALF nor has she chosen to forgive me for my half.

 

I'm not innocent in this and certainly she isn't either.

[someotherguy]

My ex wife had cheated on me several times, and I eventually came to realize it wasn't really the other men's fault.

 

To be blunt, your wife is a cheating scumbag. The other guy was led on and manipulated by your wife.

 

She says she's remorseful, but it seems clear to me she's doing damage control.

 

She wanted his penis inside her, so she made it happen.

 

She wasn't raped, and you would be a sorry sack of crap to try to convince your wife to press charges on him, potentially ruining his life for having had the misfortune of running into your piece of crap wife.

 

She's an adult and she made the decision for herself to cheat. He didn't force himself on her. Her story would be drastically different if he had. She's feeling you out for the story that elicits the response she wants, she hasn't told you the truth yet.

 

You're mad, and it will get much worse before it gets better.

 

Sorry man, I wish you the best of luck.

[phineas]

She slept with her GF's roomate.

She knew him.

She didn't crash in his bed.

She willingly went into his room.

If she needed to crash it would of been in her GF's bed.

 

She slept with him because she wanted to. No-brainer.

 

My wife pulled the "I felt horrible" BS on me also. But she went to this guys house willingly. Why? She wanted to bang him.

 

My questions is.

 

Why did she tell you?

Who else knows?

 

She is telling you because you most certainly because someone at that party knows YOU & may tell you.

 

Otherwise, you would never of found out.

[Green]

Your wife confessed because she felt guilty. She confessed for self serving reasons of making herself feel better. If she really wanted to save the mariage she would cut ties with her friend and her roommate and have never mentioned a word of this.

 

Now that she has confessed the mentle burden has shifted to you. Personaly I could not be with a woman who did this to me.

 

Of course the guy made the first move. The guy usualy makes the first move, its her job to reject him.

 

Your wife put herself in a very bad situation by drinking heavily and falling asleep in a mans room. Then waking up with that man and drinking more.

 

If your wife was raped I think she should press charges. The fact is I don't think she will press charges even though it would make you feel better. Think about it. Why won't she press rape charges even though its obviouse it would make you feel better because then you could put all the blam on this man? Because there was no rape in fact if she pressed rape charges you might end up hearing an entirely different version of the nights events from the manny witness's who went to the party that night when they are up on the stand sworn to tell the truth.

 

You should point blank tell your wife, If you were raped and things happened the way you are telling me that means you were raped then for me and for us press charges against this man. If she is not willing to do that you have you answer.

 

Why would she drink so much, it makes no sense. Why would she tell you that she found the guy ATTRACTIVE I mean whats that got to do with anything. WHY would she BLAME YOU at first.

 

Seriously unless you are also cheating you should just leave her. In fact even if you are cheating you should still leave her.

 

It will happen again. How can you now trust this person when you go some where.

 

Heres another fact, acording to some people the law is you are raped if you have sex while drunk and a woman. I don't know if that is the actual law.

 

What I do know is that if you drive drunk, or beat your wife to death while your drunk or shoot some one while drunk it is pretty much no defense to those crimes.

[Dexter Morgan]

I was away for the weekend to the east coast.

 

when the cats away the mice will play.

 

 

Her female friend invited her to place for a party.

 

If you end up staying with your wife, I'd demand that her friendship with this female friend be severed.

 

 

I am thinking that he took advantage of her, she would never ever cheat on me and is very remorse about the whole thing.

 

sorry my man, I have to call bulls##t on that one.

 

being drunk isn't an excuse. is partying and drinking something she normally does when you are around? She knew you were miles away, so she took the opportunity to go partying, being around other men....etc.

 

 

She confessed as soon as I came home and broke down crying. She didn't want to lose me and is begging for forgiveness for her mistake.

 

it wasn't a mistake. she knew what she was doing when she went partying. knowing there is a possiblity of getting lucky is probably the biggest reason people party.

 

 

The guy knew she was happily married and I feel he took advantage of her.

 

of course you feel that. you don't want to believe that your wife is attracted to another man and don't want to believe she would do this to you.

 

therefore its all too easy to put this all on the other guy.

 

thats not a put down on you bud, I've been in your shoes.

 

 

She was not falling down drunk but was stumbling. She says it wasn't rape but I am not convinced. Is she a victim and doesn't realize it or is that the remorse because it was consensual?

 

no, it wasn't rape if it was consentual, unless she was slipped a roofie or something.

 

you are excusing her behavior and looking for justification for a quick bout of forgiveness by putting it on this other man because you don't want to think of any other avenues, such as leaving her.

 

 

After much soul searching I am going to give it a second try and forgive her and work this out. We both realize that we will grow stronger and our love will be stronger after all this. I'm 100% sure that things will work out as soon as she comes back but now I am thinking what to do about this guy. I knew he took advantage of her because she was drunk but is that rape?

 

there is only one way this will work out with a woman like your wife. partying and spending suspicious time away from you is now OVER. she is a wife and needs to act like it...not like a college sophomore.

 

 

I was angry at her because I know alcohol is not an excuse, but I think it was 90% his fault and 10% hers. He did the first move.

 

so what? she put herself in a position for him to make that move on her.

 

sorry my man, but their participation in what happened is 50/50...and her betrayal of you is all 100% on her.

 

 

I'm confused, not about the forgiveness because I know she is very sorry and will never do this again.

 

only way she will never do this again is if she never goes out on the town, parties, or drinks when you are not with her...ever again.

 

 

She has told me she made a huge mistake and really regrets it and I believe her. I guess my issue is to either accept if it was truly 100% consensual or if he was forceful and she didn't know how to react or was somehow led to believe that she wanted it. She thinks he is a scumbag but for the moment is saying it was not rape.

 

you are pulling all this consentual and rape arguments out of the air because you don't want to believe your wife would want another man.

 

Again, she went partying knowing what goes down when the cat is away.

 

but if you are to stay with her, then it is highly unacceptable for her to be friends with someone who could care less about her marital status as to be a vessel to helping her cheat, and her partying days are over.

 

and don't be lured into a false sense of security thinking she will never do this again. If she did it once, she will do it again. Just hope you don't have to ever go out of town again.

[Dexter Morgan]

Bottom line, she confessed immediately.

 

that really doesn't mean much, unless there was a chance that he would have never found out from someone else.

 

this was around people they both know, there was a good chance he would have found out if she never told him.

 

now if this were with some guy 1000 miles away, and she immediately confessed, I could assign some points to that.

 

but I think she needed to tell him before someone else did.

[Snowflower]

 

Bottom line, she confessed immediately. It does appear she regrets her behavior.

 

Your wife confessed because she felt guilty. She confessed for self serving reasons of making herself feel better.

 

that really doesn't mean much, unless there was a chance that he would have never found out from someone else.

 

this was around people they both know, there was a good chance he would have found out if she never told him.

 

now if this were with some guy 1000 miles away, and she immediately confessed, I could assign some points to that.

 

but I think she needed to tell him before someone else did.

 

elrooster, where are you? Hope you're doing okay!

 

Wow, after reading this thread I can see why WS don't confess an A. All the time there are posts here to WS on various threads..."confess, it is the only way to regain some integrity, to stop the lies, etc." Pretty much, WS are damned if they do and they are damned if they don't.

 

Here the OP's wife confessed (just like most say she should) and her motives are still questioned..."she was about to be found out," it was just a way to protect herself," blah, blah, blah.

 

Bottom line, don't confess your A. Ever.

[Dexter Morgan]

Here the OP's wife confessed (just like most say she should) and her motives are still questioned..."she was about to be found out," it was just a way to protect herself,"

 

well ya....and?????

 

its good that she confessed...but come on...she had to. he WOULD have found out in this situation.

 

Its just better when someone confesses when they think their spouse would never find out. THEN they are doing it because they are truly remorseful. Not saying she may not be remorseful, but if it wasn't closely knit friends she was with, I doubt she'd be in such a hurry to confess.

[wheelwright]

I think you're on the right track.

 

Google "Diminished Capacity" and rape.

 

According to what I read, you CANNOT legally consent to sex if you are drunk.

 

I had a situation like your W's, and in my mind it was a small rape for which I am partially accountable. I was drunk, said to him on numerous occasions during the encounter that I did not want to do it. I hate him for taking advantage of me, and it was close to rape because he helped induce my irresponsibility by pressuring me with cannabis, which i initially refused.

 

It wasn't rape, but he sure was a **** because he knew I didn't want to do it, but I was over the edge in so many ways. This is taking advantage, and there is no law against it.

 

And generally I know how to not put myself in that situation.

 

But in your case, I feel your partner must have some weakness, whether to do with drink or somthing else, because unless very weak, we do not put ourelves in that near rape situation.

 

Not nice when it is taken advantage of, even if it ain't rape.

 

I wouldn't blame your partner too much -she sounds contrite.

[elrooster10]

People I am enlightened by all these posts. However, I respectfully feel a lot of you are wrong, every circumstance and situation is different is all I have to say. I made a mistake to wave the rape flag, she was not raped. She told me as soon as I came back. She told me because it was the right thing to do and not to manipulate the situation to make her feel better. She never said she was raped that was just me being pissed at the other guy. She is remorse and we are going to do counseling. She has issues from her past that we believe manifested itself in this ugly way. I am not a happy man trust me, she knows there is no excuse for this but I strongly believe with love we will work it out. I bet my life, because ultimately it is my life, that I can come back in a year from now, 10 years from now and happily report that everything has been worked out and the ghosts in her closet have been resolved and my wife and I will be a much stronger and loving couple after this tragedy. My wife and I are not victims we are survivors and we will survive this.

 

Everyone else should keep posting if they like but I said what I needed to and will try to give updates if anyone is interested.

 

Thanks, peace and love for all.

 

ER10

[TaraMaiden]

You must do what is right.

personally (and I apologise if I come across as egotistic to some) i posted what I hoped was a balanced viewpoint. I think you might begin to re-build from that standpoint.

 

We have a couple here who post fairly regularly, who both had an affair, and who have come through and survived and are indeed, stronger than ever as a couple.

Whilst affairs are hard to survive, they are conquerable.

providing both people are on exactly and completely the same page.

If they're not, it's doomed to failure.

if they are - then all power to them.

 

I wish you well.

 

TM

[LifesontheUp]

People I am enlightened by all these posts. However, I respectfully feel a lot of you are wrong, every circumstance and situation is different is all I have to say. I made a mistake to wave the rape flag, she was not raped. She told me as soon as I came back. She told me because it was the right thing to do and not to manipulate the situation to make her feel better. She never said she was raped that was just me being pissed at the other guy. She is remorse and we are going to do counseling. She has issues from her past that we believe manifested itself in this ugly way. I am not a happy man trust me, she knows there is no excuse for this but I strongly believe with love we will work it out. I bet my life, because ultimately it is my life, that I can come back in a year from now, 10 years from now and happily report that everything has been worked out and the ghosts in her closet have been resolved and my wife and I will be a much stronger and loving couple after this tragedy. My wife and I are not victims we are survivors and we will survive this.

 

Everyone else should keep posting if they like but I said what I needed to and will try to give updates if anyone is interested.

 

Thanks, peace and love for all.

 

ER10

 

I wish you both well and hope you get past this. Good luck

[dreamingoftigers]

El R

 

I for one applaud you. I think you are making the right decision. As a BS myself I can say that if my H had come to me after the first infidelity session and told me what he did because he was weak and stupid, this would have made our relationship 100X easier to heal. It sounds like she made a mistake and IS willing to take responsibility for it, which is unlike a lot of cheaters. I wouldn't just throw a marriage away with a willing partner over one night of stupidity. There are some on here that have put their relationships back together after years of infidelity. That's what we are trying to do.

[TaraMaiden]

Stultus est sicut stultus facit, es stultior asino.

Edited March 20, 2010 by TaraMaiden

[Dexter Morgan]

some people just have to learn the hard way

[spriggig]

...We have a couple here who post fairly regularly, who both had an affair, and who have come through and survived and are indeed, stronger than ever as a couple.

 

I'd like to read their posts, who are they?

[TaraMaiden]

Anne1707 and Wuggle.

Though they have not displayed their progress and details online per se, their contributions and threads are very inspirational and encouraging.

Anne began this thread, and Wuggle joined later.

I think how they talk of each other, speaks volumes.

 

They have become very close personal friends of mine, and their unified strength and supportive attitude is a constant marvel to me. They seem to be the epitome of the dictum "Love others, and your own love will grow."

[Skump]

OP, you're gonna feel like smashing my skull in once you read this, but presumably you came here for cold, hard, honest advice, and I'm going to give it to you:

 

You must first understand that your wife is a whore.

 

This is not hyperbole on my part. It's a literal, 100% accurate description of her behavior, and who she is at a basic level. Read on.

 

The fact that your wife is a whore doesn't mean that you must end your relationship. However, you must embrace this fact and respond to it intelligently if you intend to save your union and prevent this sort of disaster from EVER happening again.

 

First, let's take a look at what she did, and what her behavior entails:

 

A) She got totally f*cking sloshed while partying with a close friend far away from you. This, in itself, is completely irresponsible, stupid, (somewhat disgusting) and disrespectful to you. The fact that it was BLOODY OBVIOUSLY likely to lead to the injury you've just suffered also means that your wife isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Sorry.

 

B) She boned another dude. Her f*ckin' around means that on her most basic existential level this sort of behavior just doesn't disgust her. You MUST accept this - it is a MANIFEST REALITY. There are men and women in this world who would sooner cut their own throats throats open with a dull razor than inflict what you've just suffered on their spouses. No amount of booze or drugs would induce the behavior that a little petty loneliness and some drinks brought out in your wife. Your wife is not one of these people... yet. She must become one.

 

Unfortunately, at least from my reading of your original post, you've already begun to sabotage your interests by shifting responsibility away from your wife. Sh*t brother, a lack of sense of responsibility is the fundamental PROBLEM with your wife, not some smooth-talking dipsh*t with a desire to bone her. Bars around the world will be full of guys like that, now and forever.

 

In short, if you want to really fix this problem, you must make your wife into a rewired human being, behaviorally and spiritually. The idea of doing something like this again should inspire visceral terror in her.

 

Assuming there's even a prayer of accomplishing this, at least three preliminary steps are essential IMO:

 

1) Make her understand that you consider this betrayal 100% her fault. This is not only expedient, it's perfectly just: her adultery was nothing more than the logical outcome of her voluntary behavior. This may sound incredibly harsh, but fail to heed these words at your peril: If you allow her to believe that one ounce of this was in any way not her doing, she will, over time, twist this into an "innocent mistake" and your anger will make you the bad guy. Moreover, she will subconsciously internalize a "forgiveness scenario" for repeat adultery. You are forewarned.

 

Note that number 1 doesn't imply you should savagely brow beat her - that wouldn't even be productive. Being tough but controlled is optimal. However, she should understand that your estimation of her has probably been forever altered and that it will take a lifetime to restore the previous trust you had in her. Don't sugar coat a thing.

 

2) Demand that she never, ever, drink again unless you're present - not "not get drunk" but never drink. For one, she's just too stupid for that privilege. Just as important, f*ckups of an intergalactic magnitude must come with life-altering ramifications. Them's the breaks. Oh, and if she refuses this demand? Think about the implications of that my friend, given what she's done to you and how contrite she claims to be.

 

3) Make her understand that if anything like this happens again, it's over. No anger, no nasty words, that's it, she's dead to you. A one-line letter with a house key and no further contact will be fine, thanks.

 

So, that's it. You seem like a nice guy, but seriously, you've got to wipe the mist out of your eyes and get your f*cking head in the game. Your original post has me really worried; few enemies would give your worse advice than the advice you've given yourself.