Wife confessed she had a one night stand

[anne1707]

Anne1707 and Wuggle.

Though they have not displayed their progress and details online per se, their contributions and threads are very inspirational and encouraging.

Anne began this thread, and Wuggle joined later.

I think how they talk of each other, speaks volumes.

 

They have become very close personal friends of mine, and their unified strength and supportive attitude is a constant marvel to me. They seem to be the epitome of the dictum "Love others, and your own love will grow."

 

Thank you Tara from Wuggle and I

 

I would like to think that we are proof that it is possible to overcome infidelity though we would also be the first to admit that it has taken a lot of hard work from both of us. But yes things are better for us now than they have been in years.

[Snowflower]

well ya....and?????

 

its good that she confessed...but come on...she had to. he WOULD have found out in this situation.

 

Its just better when someone confesses when they think their spouse would never find out. THEN they are doing it because they are truly remorseful. Not saying she may not be remorseful, but if it wasn't closely knit friends she was with, I doubt she'd be in such a hurry to confess.

 

I agree...he would have found out anyway from someone in her group of friends. I agree with the poster who said that part of the conditions for attempting to repair the marriage was that she permanently sever ties with this female friend and that group.

 

But still, she confessed and it is better that she tell all than having him hear from some other source.

[fooled once]

Unfortunately I think your marriage is over for all practical intents and purposes. Whether or not you get around to a separation/divorce at some point or another.

 

Listen, your wife goes to a party with one of her friends, gets drunk, and ends up screwing some guy because he made the first move? Because you're out of town for a while on a business trip?

 

She betrayed your trust and frankly you have no way of ever trusting her again, because everything about your wife's life apparently is an inducement to her infidelity--her friends; their friends; her activities with her friends; your business committments.

 

Your wife told you it was not rape so you should believe that. She's trying to protect this guy. She doesn't want him to get in trouble. That's understandable particularly if she's developed feelings for him.

 

If your wife doesn't have a previous history of slutty behavior (assuming there's nothing in the past you don't know about--a big "if") then most likely the guy she had sex with is someone she has developed feelings for. Possibly through hanging out with her girlfriend.

 

I don't really care how drunk your wife was. It's very very difficult to have sex with a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you. I mean how do their clothes come off for instance? Did this guy pull her pants down or pull her dress up and pull her undies down, without her consent? If so it's rape.

 

There's probably a lot more going on than you've been clued into.

 

But seriously how do you ever take your eye off your wife and ever be able to trust her? You just can't.

 

I suppose it's a positive sign that she confessed to you but who know what really motivated her to do that?

 

Maybe her girlfriend got jealous when she found out your w had sex with the roommate (or some crazy competitive thing going on) and threatened to tell you if your w didn't confess.

 

Did your wife promise to stop drinking any alcohol ever again? Is she going to AA? That's the first and minimal thing she should be doing, since drinking is what she attributes this to. She needs to stop drinking first of all, period. If she gives you a hard time about that you might as well go see a lawyer.

 

I could not disagree with this more!

 

Your marriage can recover from this.

 

People seem to be looking for hidden meanings...and there isn't any!

 

She screwed up BAD - no doubt. But with love, trust, communication and a lot of work, your marriage can go on and even be better.

 

Only YOU know your wife. Only YOU can decide to give it another try.

[SoleMate]

She says it wasn`t rape so therefore it wasn`t rape.

Wrong...many persons who have endured assaults that, based on objective facts, the law calls "rape" will give the activity a different name. Many rape victims are disbelieving of the crime. http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/topics/crime/rape-sexual-violence/welcome.htm

[JustJoe]

Ms. Anne, You and Wuggle are a married couple, and cheated on each other? Or are you a couple , who had affairs with PAST spouses?

[TaraMaiden]

Pay attention!

 

On each other.

 

I'm just replying on Anne's behalf because she works full time, is a very busy lady and may not see this in time, and she's a pal.

[JustJoe]

Jeez, Ms. Maiden, I'm new here, cut me a little slack, OKay? I really would be interested in their story, Even as an OM, I would find it really , really hard to reconcile, and would be interested in how they went about it. As "newbie", I can't PM, but I would like to talk to both, if they would like.

[on1wheel]

Why is it that whenever a married woman feels unfulfilled, the 1st she does is go fill herself with another man? Or @ least part of him!!!

Excuses, excuses, excuses...all of them Bulls*it. She wanted it & was no doubt planning it for some time. She has been flirting with this guy for a while, sending signals, letting know "well maybe if the timing were right I might".

I also agree that it is too coincidental that this party happened while U were away. She planned it, got good & drunk to make it easier/ give an excuse if caught, then willingly did things with another man she may never have done with U. If U had the foresight to check, I bet U would have found she was very neatly shaved & was wearing her sexiest bra/panty set.

BTW, I have had a lot of female friends over the years & NEVER has one had a true 1 night stand. What I mean is that they may not have known who they were going to let screw them, but they were prepared...shaved or trimmed, nice bra & panties, smelling fresh...you know what I mean,

I further agree that she didn't confess out of guilt. I believe someone else found out & forced her to confess.

So what you really need to ask yourself is:

•what if she planned it all?

•what if she willingly did things she doesn't do with me?

•what if she was forced to confess?

•what if this was neither the 1st or the last infidelity?

•what if she is no all who you thought she was?

•would you still want to work it out?

If so, then do so; keeping in mind that all I have said (possibly more too) is true.

If not, then you know what to do.

I wish you well either way, as I have walked in your shoes.

[TaraMaiden]

Jeez, Ms. Maiden, I'm new here, cut me a little slack, OKay?

Yah, I know.... just joshin' ya....

 

I really would be interested in their story, Even as an OM, I would find it really , really hard to reconcile, and would be interested in how they went about it. As "newbie", I can't PM, but I would like to talk to both, if they would like.

I'm sure Anne or Wuggle would be happy to help you out in any way.

 

But I personally think that (one) it's a testament to their determination, respect and willingness to work, that they've come through this so well, and (two) I hate to say it, and it is just my opinion, but I actually believe people give up on each other too easily....

it takes a massive amount of Effort and commitment, to keep a marriage (with both faithful partners) going and staying interesting and alive, on a day to day basis, never mind adding infidelity to the mix..... To then grab the damaged article by the hair kicking and screaming and work together to put it right and grow together, is nothing short of heroic.

 

You'll soon be able to PM.

keep posting and stick around.....

[Kenyth]

I have a sneaking feeling, that when all the dust clears, and you start asking the RIGHT questions, you will (hopefully not the case) see that, this was probably a hook-up by the girlfriend, she has been in intimate contact with this guy before on trips over to that house, this was strategic planned for the one weekend of many that you were away on business, that alcohol had very little to do with it. This was her perfect oppurtunity to act on her feelings for this dude, perfect setting, you out of town, blah, blah. By the way, what is the liklihood that this "party" occurred the same weekend you were gone?

 

Drink may have allowed her to loosen up to give this dude the goods, but trust, she not only wanted to but was very eager to do so. I would check with the girlfriend and see what she has to offer to back her story, if you get resistance from either your wife or her friend, something is foul in the air. Because if the friend is really her homie, she should have no problem explaining to you that nothing about her story is untrue. Please do not be surprised if the girlfriend is not forthcoming, or even had something to do with this encounter.

 

And lastly, the dude did what he was supposed to do. A drunk (using that term loosley), horny, disgruntled woman lying in your bed, and he is supposed to worry about how her husband may end up taking it? Sorry, this was her thing, and don't be surprised if this is not the last you see of this joker. Be very careful not too take out too much anger on this poor sap. She was in his bed, he wasn't sniffing around your house. She went out looking for some action, and guess what..she found it.

 

She may have felt bad after the sex, and told you for a number of reasons. It may have been bad, she may have felt like a wh0re, she may have felt guilty, but for some odd reason she didn't feel that way before she let the slacker roomate sample your stuff? And who is to say this is her first ONS? And by the way, for a cheater, the first time is usually the hardest. It will get much easier for her from this point out. Trust that

 

Buddy, you bring a tear to my eye. Someone who gets it! Man, you can see for miles! I simply couldn't be more proud of a complete stranger.

[Space Ritual]

People I am enlightened by all these posts. However, I respectfully feel a lot of you are wrong, every circumstance and situation is different is all I have to say. I made a mistake to wave the rape flag, she was not raped. She told me as soon as I came back. She told me because it was the right thing to do and not to manipulate the situation to make her feel better. She never said she was raped that was just me being pissed at the other guy. She is remorse and we are going to do counseling. She has issues from her past that we believe manifested itself in this ugly way. I am not a happy man trust me, she knows there is no excuse for this but I strongly believe with love we will work it out. I bet my life, because ultimately it is my life, that I can come back in a year from now, 10 years from now and happily report that everything has been worked out and the ghosts in her closet have been resolved and my wife and I will be a much stronger and loving couple after this tragedy. My wife and I are not victims we are survivors and we will survive this.

 

Everyone else should keep posting if they like but I said what I needed to and will try to give updates if anyone is interested.

 

Thanks, peace and love for all.

 

ER10

 

 

I had to add my two cents.

 

ER10, the only thing you will be doing when you come back is taking a break from rolling around in a blanket clutching a bottle of whiskey and playing Michael Martin Murphy's "Wildfire" wondering how the hell your world could come so unravelled after going away for two days.

 

 

The reason she told you was because she figured it was better you heard it from her instead of from somebody at the party(it always comes out one way or another). That is the only thing even remotely positive about your situation.

 

So I assume (since I couldn't bear to digest the whole thread because I was rolling my eyes) that you have gotten yourself tested for STD's? You must understand the whole set up of the situation(a drunken sex romp complete with DVD playing beforehand...I take it that it was not The Saint's Super Bowl Season Recap they were watching...drunkeness...she comes out and this all just "happens". Reminds me of the movie The Hollywood Knights 'We were talking in the back seat of the car and another car sideswiped us and it knocked our clothes clean off, honey"!

 

 

Listen Up....

 

Regardless of how unique you think your situation is if you are gone for two days on a business trip and this happened I submit to you that there is more to the story. Like maybe she has done this before and gotten away with it or that this was a planned event. It is packaged up just a little too nicely and ready made for you to forgive her "Mistake".

 

All the crocodile tears she is crying now is nothing. Only through Action and not words and a little Mascara Trickle should you be even coming close to forgiving this and wishing it away.

 

Cheating is never a mistake or just happens. It is a conscious choice that someone makes without any forethought to the consequences.

So what actions has she taken.???..broken all contact...called this guy in front of you and told him how awful this was and that she feels she was raped? any of those definite actions that would be the initial phase in helping YOU to heal from this awful fate.

 

You now say it was just your own machinations about the rape, yet you claim your wife is a victim? Hardly. A perpetrator and a co-conspirator yes...a Victim...Hell No!

 

Her "Past issues" just magically arose from nowhere when you happened to be away and manifested itself into full on intercourse and the spark that made the inferno rage was that the music was too loud?

 

Did Motorhead and some Jagermeister bring the insatiable beast out in her?

 

Believe what you will but if I were you I'd be doing a 180 on her and showing her some damn consequences.

 

But you wont. You'll let it slide and she will be ok for a few months and you will put your guard down. Then will come the night you have to leave for a few days and you get your cell phone bill form her phone and see charges for 80 texts beginning about 10 minutes after you leave for the airport. And then you will question her she will say it is one of her friends and you wont delve into it any more because you love her and those that love us never crap on us do they?

 

Then she wont pick up the phone some night when you are out of town and you will be going nuts and then you will get home and there will be another Mascara River and promises it wont happen again...

 

Then you'll be back

[SleepingDog]

Confessions are often half confessions, made out of guilt or to pre-empt discovery.

 

The exact details don't really matter. Betrayal is betrayal, no matter how it occured. So who made the first move and how drunk she really was is not really important if you decide to forgive her.

 

Details that do matter are: who the guy is, is it really some stranger? Perhaps she made this up, and it is someone you know. Also: was it really only a one night stand, or an affair?

 

There is a difference. It is a lot easier to get over a one night stand than an affair. My wife first "confessed" to a one night stand, but then I found out it was an affair. That made me feel a whole lot worse, I can tell you.

[jnj express]

Hey El---were you just dropped on this planet----Your wife went willingly thru stop sign after stop sign to spread her legs for some stranger. Why was she so drunk in the 1st place----does she have a drinking problem, or were the drinks being tossed down her by her sex partner-----Why under any circumstances was she in a room late at night WITH ANY MAN.

 

You might save your mge., but you had better not do it at this point with love and forgiveness----at this point she has to know she has basically wrecked a mge., and that gets treated with hard ball. If she percieves you as being easy about handling this situation she will remember your basically sweeping it under the rug---and she will not think twice about doing it again.

 

Also remember this, no matter what you say---you are never going to be able to trust her again----you, from now on are always gonna be wondering what is she ACTUALLY doing.

 

Everybody else has already told you what boundaries and consequences to set LISTEN TO THEM.

[Darth Vader]

Ok, I know I'm too late on this Thread, but, to the poster, I'm sure that if you're still wondering how consentual the sex was from your wife to this OM. Well, I'm very sure that she's told you all the details by now. The way I figure it, since she was falling down drunk, or wasted as you put it, if she said she got on top of this guy and rode him, that tells you she was alot more consentual than she wanted you to believe. It shows you that she was definately and fully willing to screw this guy 100%. Because, I figure if you're that drunk, if you're a woman, you don't want to go on top(maybe some do), because wouldn't her head be spinning already? Lastly, how can a man force a woman with her on top like that? To me, no way possible. But, just my two cents......... (this is assuming that she's telling you the whole truth!)

 

I think she may have wanted him anyway, and the booze lowered her inhibitions, still no excuse!

[RobD70]

People I am enlightened by all these posts. However, I respectfully feel a lot of you are wrong, every circumstance and situation is different is all I have to say. I made a mistake to wave the rape flag, she was not raped. She told me as soon as I came back. She told me because it was the right thing to do and not to manipulate the situation to make her feel better. She never said she was raped that was just me being pissed at the other guy. She is remorse and we are going to do counseling. She has issues from her past that we believe manifested itself in this ugly way. I am not a happy man trust me, she knows there is no excuse for this but I strongly believe with love we will work it out. I bet my life, because ultimately it is my life, that I can come back in a year from now, 10 years from now and happily report that everything has been worked out and the ghosts in her closet have been resolved and my wife and I will be a much stronger and loving couple after this tragedy. My wife and I are not victims we are survivors and we will survive this.

 

Everyone else should keep posting if they like but I said what I needed to and will try to give updates if anyone is interested.

 

Thanks, peace and love for all.

 

ER10

I think most people in your situation would do this, it’s easy to say “dump da whore” when you are not emotionally involved whether it’s right or not. I’m going to go against the grain and say continue what you are doing even though long term it will probably fail.

 

What will most likely happen is in a few months (6 or so usually) once the dust settles and you gain your self-respect again you will get very angry. You are eager to forgive now because you are still in shock and are afraid of change but later on you’ll feel completely different. I’m betting you end up leaving her within a year.

[Darth Vader]

Have you thought of having a chatt with her Girlfriend about what happened that night of the party? You could ask wife's girlfriend if she caught your wife screwing this OM, even ask if he was the only one!

[elrooster10]

OP, you're gonna feel like smashing my skull in once you read this, but presumably you came here for cold, hard, honest advice, and I'm going to give it to you:

 

You must first understand that your wife is a whore.

 

This is not hyperbole on my part. It's a literal, 100% accurate description of her behavior, and who she is at a basic level. Read on.

 

The fact that your wife is a whore doesn't mean that you must end your relationship. However, you must embrace this fact and respond to it intelligently if you intend to save your union and prevent this sort of disaster from EVER happening again.

 

First, let's take a look at what she did, and what her behavior entails:

 

A) She got totally f*cking sloshed while partying with a close friend far away from you. This, in itself, is completely irresponsible, stupid, (somewhat disgusting) and disrespectful to you. The fact that it was BLOODY OBVIOUSLY likely to lead to the injury you've just suffered also means that your wife isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Sorry.

 

B) She boned another dude. Her f*ckin' around means that on her most basic existential level this sort of behavior just doesn't disgust her. You MUST accept this - it is a MANIFEST REALITY. There are men and women in this world who would sooner cut their own throats throats open with a dull razor than inflict what you've just suffered on their spouses. No amount of booze or drugs would induce the behavior that a little petty loneliness and some drinks brought out in your wife. Your wife is not one of these people... yet. She must become one.

 

Unfortunately, at least from my reading of your original post, you've already begun to sabotage your interests by shifting responsibility away from your wife. Sh*t brother, a lack of sense of responsibility is the fundamental PROBLEM with your wife, not some smooth-talking dipsh*t with a desire to bone her. Bars around the world will be full of guys like that, now and forever.

 

In short, if you want to really fix this problem, you must make your wife into a rewired human being, behaviorally and spiritually. The idea of doing something like this again should inspire visceral terror in her.

 

Assuming there's even a prayer of accomplishing this, at least three preliminary steps are essential IMO:

 

1) Make her understand that you consider this betrayal 100% her fault. This is not only expedient, it's perfectly just: her adultery was nothing more than the logical outcome of her voluntary behavior. This may sound incredibly harsh, but fail to heed these words at your peril: If you allow her to believe that one ounce of this was in any way not her doing, she will, over time, twist this into an "innocent mistake" and your anger will make you the bad guy. Moreover, she will subconsciously internalize a "forgiveness scenario" for repeat adultery. You are forewarned.

 

Note that number 1 doesn't imply you should savagely brow beat her - that wouldn't even be productive. Being tough but controlled is optimal. However, she should understand that your estimation of her has probably been forever altered and that it will take a lifetime to restore the previous trust you had in her. Don't sugar coat a thing.

 

2) Demand that she never, ever, drink again unless you're present - not "not get drunk" but never drink. For one, she's just too stupid for that privilege. Just as important, f*ckups of an intergalactic magnitude must come with life-altering ramifications. Them's the breaks. Oh, and if she refuses this demand? Think about the implications of that my friend, given what she's done to you and how contrite she claims to be.

 

3) Make her understand that if anything like this happens again, it's over. No anger, no nasty words, that's it, she's dead to you. A one-line letter with a house key and no further contact will be fine, thanks.

 

So, that's it. You seem like a nice guy, but seriously, you've got to wipe the mist out of your eyes and get your f*cking head in the game. Your original post has me really worried; few enemies would give your worse advice than the advice you've given yourself.

 

Ok I just wanted to quickly say she has quit drinking all together since this has happened and is going to AA meetings. She severed all ties to the gf and we moved to another city. We both accepted her responsibility in this and I stopped the blame game to the guy. We are still working on us and we are dealing with some issues she has from her childhood. I think it will all work out and I was tough on her, she really knows there is no excuse for this behavior and there will never be another chance.

[JustJoe]

Best of Luck , to you , Rooster. I hope that you are able to put this behind you.

[Darth Vader]

Ok I just wanted to quickly say she has quit drinking all together since this has happened and is going to AA meetings. She severed all ties to the gf and we moved to another city. We both accepted her responsibility in this and I stopped the blame game to the guy. We are still working on us and we are dealing with some issues she has from her childhood. I think it will all work out and I was tough on her, she really knows there is no excuse for this behavior and there will never be another chance.

 

 

How can you accept responsibility for your wife screwing another man? I'm at a loss, because you didn't do anything that was wrong......... You couldn't do anything that would cause or merit this.

[Art_Critic]

but I think it was 90% his fault and 10% hers. He did the first move.

 

You have this flipped...

She is at fault.. she is the one who is married.

 

and she didn't have a one night stand.. single people have those..

 

She cheated on you.

 

Actions always speak louder than words and personally if my wife did this drunk or not we would no longer we married.

This is all just my opinion...

[Darth Vader]

You have this flipped...

She is at fault.. she is the one who is married.

 

and she didn't have a one night stand.. single people have those..

 

She cheated on you.

 

Actions always speak louder than words and personally if my wife did this drunk or not we would no longer we married.

This is all just my opinion...

 

 

Art, this guy's in denial! He doesn't want to believe that his wife could openly and willingly spread her legs for another man! His wife may be trickle truthing him so he won't leave her. Something's not right! I can almost sense it!

 

I don't know why this guy hasn't contacted the girlfriend who had invited his wife to the party. The girlfriend knows something, I'm sure of it!

 

She saw, or heard something!

[jnj express]

Hey El---OK so you are working it out---what do you do with your wife--when you have to leave on business trips now---or do you just trust her to do the RIGHT thing.

 

You had better not be weak or to quick to slide this under the rug---she did it once, she has gotten away with it----she needs to know there will NEVER be a next time allowed.

 

As part of any R., agreement---you need to have her sign a Post-Nuptual Agreement---to make sure she knows if she does this again, she will lose everything in a D. settlement.