Out of town stand-up

[pinkroses]

I'm so hurt and disappointed right now I can barely see straight. On my birthday my boyfriend was just wonderful to me, he helped make my day really special and I felt really cared for. Well, we had tickets to a sporting event the next evening and although I didn't hear from him the biggest part of the day, I didn't worry, I knew he'd follow through, as he always does. The whole day and night went by. I could not get him by phone, and he did not show up. I was so worried and sure that something had happened to him that I even called his parents, whom he calls or sees each weekend. They hadn't heard from him either and they were worried too. They tried to call too, and got back with me to tell me they were also not getting through. Finally this afternoon he answered his phone and he said he was on his way home from someplace out of town, about 5 hours away. He said he'd gone to a funeral. It was for an elderly lady whom he lived with when he was in college, some ten or more years ago. He's kept in touch with her all these years, but I don't ever remember hearing about her in the 8 months we've been dating.

 

He's never made up a story or lied to me yet, but I find this story very hard to believe. It was a spur of the moment decision, he just jumped in the car and left town and told no one. He admits it was stupid and thoughtless and he let the important people in his life down. But why? I can't see that this lady's funeral could take priority over plans he had with me and my son and his little boy. Most people in his situation would send a card. Instead he drove 5 hours, each way, to go be around this woman's family, people he barely knows.

 

I'm not being irreverent about a funeral, but I could understand more if it was a close family member. The unforgivable thing is the fact that he stood me up, and didn't call me to tell me what had come up. It makes me feel like he's being secretive. He's never been the type to be sly or cheat or anything like that. But he does have tendencies, about once a month, to "disappear" for a day or two. Usually he's just home, feeling depressed or is with his little boy, who lives about 30 minutes away. I've compared stories with varying and reliable sources, and he always turns out to be doing what he says, with who he says, and where. Lying has never been a problem in our relationship. I have forgiven a lot, but I don't know if I can get past being stood up like this. I'm very attached to, and care deeply for this person and there are a lot of valuable things in our relationship, it breaks my heart what he did this weekend. I'm not sure what to do about this. Any gut feelings out there?

[AllyKat]

Boy, this seems so strange. I mean I have to be honest, it sounds very odd to me...but at the same time part of me wants to say its nothing and to just be honest with him on how disappointed you are with him.

 

Ok, what I think is if he isnt really like this all the time, I do think you need to let him know how he has disappointed you as well as the kids. This isnt good. I mean, he has a cell Im sure!!! Let him know he could have at least called and you could have understood a bit better than now.

 

I would try to understand for now, unless this keeps happening. People disappearing without notice is strange, but if its not happening but once, I would let it go.

 

Try to understand but let him know you didnt appreciate him not letting you know at all.

[moimeme]

Most people in his situation would send a card. Instead he drove 5 hours, each way, to go be around this woman's family, people he barely knows.

 

 

You ask why - because he cared. If he lived with her during college, he probably developed a close relationship with her. I think it's sweet that he went to her funeral but he should have let you know. Before you light into him about it, ask whether he forgot about your date. It is possible that in his surprise and distress over losing his friend and his hurry to leave that he actually forgot your date.

[pinkroses]

His cell phone was not in service out of state, as far as he was. But it was working before he left, when he should have called me. I doubt if he forgot about the game, just can't understand why he wouldn't care about putting me through so much worry and letting me down so ruthlessly. Just the day before he was apologizing for something simple...then the next day did something unforgivable, and hasn't apologized.

 

He's one of these kind of people who tries to be all things to all people, he has trouble saying no, and feels obligated to help and empathize. Then he gets overwhelmed, and blames people for all needing him. He should blame himself for not saying no more often. Not that I expect him to lavish all his attention on me...not at all. I am very supportive about him spending time with his little boy, or making time for friends at work, and I'm supportive about his need for space now and then too. Too bad he doesn't consider me as much.

[AprilFool]

But he does have tendencies, about once a month, to "disappear" for a day or two.

 

Once a month? And your still with this loser? Do yourself and your child a favor, and ditch him before you and your child get any closer to him. What if you marry him, and he starts doing this disappearing act once a WEEK! You can't live your life worrying about him all the time. If it was a one time thing, then I could maybe understand grief stricken forgetfulness, but disappearing once a month is kind of rediculous. It doesn't sound like he's very considerate of anyone but himself. Not relationship material if you ask me. Relationships are hard enough without someone running off on a whim.

 

P.S. If it were a normal person, I think they may have asked the woman they love along, instead of forgetting all about her.

 

The last time a guy stood me up, he was with another girl...call me bitter.

[greyskies]

Look I have been put through hell in the same situation. But the thing with my bf is he is very private and mysterious. I was driving myself batty trying to figure out what the hell he was up to. I've been with him a year and this entire year was spent trying to catch him. But every single time he was doing exactly what he said he was doing. My bf would leave at say midnight and go visit a so called female friend in another city and return at say 6:00 am. I e-mailed her and told her he was living with me and we are together and if he was leading her to believe otherwise he was lying. Well needless to say she told me the truth they were high school friends and only friends and that she works odd hours and weekends and just hasn't been able to get together with him since their working hours did'nt allow them to.So to finally see one another since they were in high school it had to be at such an ungodly hour and apologized about that. I was the one whom encouraged him to start contacting his old friends because when we got together it was 24 hours a day everyday. And he was getting bored.

 

Well he was after all just visiting an old friend and it was just that. He has disappeared for a couple of days also and was at a mutual friends house fixing his computer. But refused to answer his cell cause he did'nt want to be embarrassed when our friend would hear me bombard him with questions and false accusations.

 

So I believe your bf got a unexpected call finding out this women died and he was distraught and the funeral was right then so he told whom ever informed him of her death he would be there. And focused all his attention on that, out of respect for her family I'm sure, and decided he would face the music later. If he has'nt been untrustworthy, as you said he has'nt give him a break because no trust means no relationship. Thats the truth. Believe him, he's being honest, I think.!

[pinkroses]

Your bf sounds a lot like mine. Although if he had ever gone to see a female friend during the wee hours of the morning, I would never have been understanding about that. Mine is not mysterious, on the contrary he's very open and tells me about everything he does. We have a mutual friend too, and the stories have always added up. I've never had any reason not to trust what he's doing when we're apart. I'm just wondering if he is beginning to take advantage of the situation and of me, and is not being as conscienscious and considerate as he once was.