Friends or Lovers

[kedala]

Last year in August, my best friend of 17 years became my boyfriend. The timing was awful because about a week after finally getting our feelings out in the open, he had to go back to college in Harrisonburg, VA and I had to go to Hampton, VA. We talked on the phone all the time, but I only saw him once before we were home again for Thanksgiving. Before that holiday, we stopped talking like we used to and we really didn't get a chance to talk then. During the Christmas holidays he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship since he had just gotten out of a three year relationship previous to ours. That devastated me, after all he was the one to come to me with this new love he was supposed to be having for me. When we went back to school, we didn't speak at all. I did send him a card later in the semester concerning our friendship, he never responded. Later, about a week before the semester ended, I wrote him an email telling him that I still wanted to be friends, no matter what. He wrote back agreeing. Now we are home again for the summer and I feel like he is trying to get back together with me romantically. I am a christian and I am constantly praying that Marcus be the one for me if it is God's will. But when I got home I started having stronger feelings for him, stronger than any I have had for any guy I've ever been involved with. I love him I suppose. He doesn't have a girlfriend, and I am single at the moment. I just don't want my emotions toward him blur what his intent really is. He does hang around my alot, comes over every chance he gets, hangs out with me and my family. Could I just be confusing his friendliness for something more? Today he came to my church for the first time since we were in elementary school. It's a big deal to me because he's Presbyterian and I am a Baptist. He's always been very shy when it comes to the way he feels, so if he did want to get back together, getting it out of him would be like pulling teeth. He's a really great guy though, one of the few respectful black men I know. He is everything that I want in a boyfriend and his goals are like mine. I don't want to overstep my bounds, I just want to be happy. What should I do?

[Randy]

You really need to give this some time. Both of you know how each other feels so it's not a matter of surprising each other with those special feelings you've held in for so long. Everything is on the table.

 

I think the problem here is that he approached you about upgrading the friendship right after his three year relationship ended. He was most likely confused, hurt, depressed and vulnerable. Now he's had time to put things into focus and realizes he may have moved too soon, without healing from his previous relationship.

 

This will all happen for you when the right time comes. Be friends, be close friends. I think you can be especially close now because those feelings are out in the open. Don't press him too much, though, until he seems ready. You may be getting that feeling now but watch for more clues, encourage him in your own special discrete way, but let him make his moves when he's ready.

 

Finally, when he does come around have a nice talk with him and let him know that you were a bit hurt when he got weird on you before. After all, he is the one who came to you about this new relationship and then he wimped out. You need to be sure next time he is absolutely ready for the real thing.

 

So for now, be a good friend, be patient, and let time do it's work. If you become too eager, too impatient, and too easy for him, you could turn the whole thing off. He may want a bit more of a challenge. You might even try not writing or calling him so frequently and maybe not being so available to him. Being very unpredictable and mysterious can spark romantic interest in anybody where there's some potential.

[Aria]

It is almost scary how similar your situation is to one I'm in with a friend right now. I don't have much advice for you, I too am a Christian, this guy is too. I am just turning this over to God for right now, and I know that He has a plan for me. He has one for you too, and we both just have to wait until the time is right for us to find out what that plan is, as difficult as that is to do. If you would like to discuss this more with me I would be very willing, maybe we could help each other. It seems like we would really understand what the other is going through.

You really need to give this some time. Both of you know how each other feels so it's not a matter of surprising each other with those special feelings you've held in for so long. Everything is on the table. I think the problem here is that he approached you about upgrading the friendship right after his three year relationship ended. He was most likely confused, hurt, depressed and vulnerable. Now he's had time to put things into focus and realizes he may have moved too soon, without healing from his previous relationship. This will all happen for you when the right time comes. Be friends, be close friends. I think you can be especially close now because those feelings are out in the open. Don't press him too much, though, until he seems ready. You may be getting that feeling now but watch for more clues, encourage him in your own special discrete way, but let him make his moves when he's ready.

 

Finally, when he does come around have a nice talk with him and let him know that you were a bit hurt when he got weird on you before. After all, he is the one who came to you about this new relationship and then he wimped out. You need to be sure next time he is absolutely ready for the real thing. So for now, be a good friend, be patient, and let time do it's work. If you become too eager, too impatient, and too easy for him, you could turn the whole thing off. He may want a bit more of a challenge. You might even try not writing or calling him so frequently and maybe not being so available to him. Being very unpredictable and mysterious can spark romantic interest in anybody where there's some potential.