Sicken by his choice in someone else

[bluz73]

You by far gave me the best advice..I dont know why I have this strong motherly instinct to help damaged people..I fell for him when he was 24 and I was 30 and saw him change into this great man but he never kicked his bad habits and I did leave him for awhile and he basically tricked me into his life again with promises and during the break he met her and gave up a great life with me to live in his parents house and shack up with a teen...I personally would be embarrassed and ashamed if I were him..I just would like to find out what goes thru the minds of guys like him to think and behave like this.

I have lost all love for him because of who he chose to be with ...i wouldnt be so upset if it was someone closer his age and had a future started..Maybe I should be thankful he didnt do better he downgraded.....but maybe your right ... I am too much of a woman for him and he doesnt have to be responsible now...thanks everyone for ur input!

[LovelyDaze]

 

Move on and try to heal from this experience, and stop focusing your energy on them. Have comfort in knowing that this will never ever work out long term, in a few years when she feels trapped and like he "stole her youth" and she wants to be out partying and enjoying life as most 20 somethings do, he will be the first to be cast aside. The more she will push for freedom the more he will control, this will be their demise.

 

He will get his own punishment, which will be based on his stupid choice. For now things will be great, but it will come down hard in time. I guarantee that. It's text book.

 

Because he doesn't care about the long term commitment he cares about the here and the now, and that is good enough for him.

 

 

 

Wow! Twenty-ten, I could have used your advice back in October!!

That advice is spot on.

 

bluz73, I forgot to mention that my ex ran on a pattern(it has to start somewhere, right??) of dating young girls.

 

Years ago before he and I even met, my ex was about 23/24 and he got engaged to ANOTHER 17/18 year old. He told me he left her because a few years later...she changed

 

When he told me that story, I remember thinking,"DUH!!! People change as they get older, dummy !"

 

I guess my ex took a break when he dated me because we are about the same age. I also ignored red flags all of the time while I was with him just because I felt I loved him and that he loved me.

 

I don't know what your faith is whether you believe in Buddha, God, Confucius, or the cosmos but SOMETHING gave you the blessing of knowing that your ex is a nightmare from the depths of hell.His parents are enablers, his GF is fresh out of recess, and he's a slacker. Be SOOOO glad that he is no longer your problem anymore. That's where I am at about mine. Wouldn't want him back for nothing..that ship has sailed to oblivion.

 

Dig DEEP into the pain and hurt. That way when you come out into the sunshine, you will be stronger, wiser, better and ready to date much more mature men and you will be able to recognize a jerk when you see one a lot more clearly.

[stillafool]

This situation strikes me to the core not only cause he is my ex love but because My 19 year old neice is now dating a 32 yr old man and I am sickened even more by what these guys are trying to do by ruining lil girls futures!

I am not meddling in his life I havent talked to him in 4 months..His gf contacted me a month ago via myspace (which i now deleted) We had a converstaion to the degree which I told her exactly what happened and to find out he lied to her and even dumped her after a month because he was confused about his feelings for me. Then when I caught onto his lies he had no other choice but to stay with her cuz I was done. I am just trying to find out the logic of all this..What is the point in dating her if its goin to end eventually.

As for me being the smarter wiser woman why I was with him..well lets see he loved me and treated me well..he went from no college to college..full blown painpill addiction to treatment program...from no job to a manager job...So I was seeing he was changing and my love brought the best out in him then he gotlaid off from his job and met her so now he is back to square one!

 

 

Well maybe she sees things in him to that makes her want to hang on. You can't worry about them and their reasons for being together. Only the two of them know why. Also there's a lot of guys in their 30's dating teenagers. Why? Because they can.

[bluz73]

I am over him emotionally I am just mentally dealing with the red flags I ignored. I never noticed him having intrest in younger girls. I honestly think he picked her up cause she basically threw herself at him is what she told me and wouldnt leave him alone and he got a big ego boost out of it and went too far and damaged things so bad between us there was no getting out of his mess.

With his instability and low self esteem I am sure if she had been 25 0r 50 he would have jumped into it looking for whatever was available.

As for 30 year olds dating teens well yes they can date them, but for it to be fair to the youngins NO ITS NOT FAIR!!

This girl moved 800 miles away from her family to live with my ex so she has no one to guide her and help her see the horrible mess she is in..she has to have low self esteem to date sumone like him and at the time so did I...but now I know better..just trying to get some understanding out of all this.

[stillafool]

A lot of young women at some point in their lives have experiences (smile) with older men, but move on with their lives taking what they have learned with them. Don't worry about her, she'll be okay. As far as not fair, it's their choice, these older guys aren't holding guns to their heads.

[bluz73]

I have alot of hate towards him, not for what he done to a perfect relationship for what he done to a girl my own daughters age and the fact my daughter could have been his step daughter...thats just gross!

I know he aint holding no gun but he gave her a free car and a free room and board at his parents expensive which makes me sick..the fact that he is fondling a child on our old bed makes me just despise him to the core..I would NEVER take him back..I would love to hear his explanation thought to see if he had the b$lls to tell me the truth. We were best friends and he just disappeared over night and I think that was cowardly of him:(

[Twenty-ten]

You by far gave me the best advice..I dont know why I have this strong motherly instinct to help damaged people..I fell for him when he was 24 and I was 30 and saw him change into this great man but he never kicked his bad habits and I did leave him for awhile and he basically tricked me into his life again with promises and during the break he met her and gave up a great life with me to live in his parents house and shack up with a teen...I personally would be embarrassed and ashamed if I were him..I just would like to find out what goes thru the minds of guys like him to think and behave like this.

I have lost all love for him because of who he chose to be with ...i wouldnt be so upset if it was someone closer his age and had a future started..Maybe I should be thankful he didnt do better he downgraded.....but maybe your right ... I am too much of a woman for him and he doesnt have to be responsible now...thanks everyone for ur input!

 

Thank you.

 

It's interesting your story, and if we look at it spelled out like this the parallel to the the cycle repeating now on his side in the reverse,is crystal clear. Let me explain:

 

 

You say that you saw him change into this great man, but you share with us the end product not the road that you took to get there. I am sure it came with lots of heartache and ups and downs, it could not have been a smooth easy road. He was only 24 when you met him and he was "forced to change" to be at your level since you were considerably older than him plus he was already battling demons with addictions. But above all the gap in age, not so much in years but in life positioning and maturity is light years away if you think about a 24 yr old guy and 30 yr old woman. The difference is considerable, 24 is very young male or female.

 

So even though you ended up with the results that you had wished for, you don't really know(or you might have an idea) of what sorts of resentments he harbored for you along the way. This wear and tear can prove to be lethal for a relationship over time so after all that hard work and after becoming who you wanted him to become, he probably felt like he just didn't want to be that anymore, like he wanted to revert back to the years he feels he missed out on. So what does he do? He hooks up with someone who is closer in age to what he was when he met you. Here he is, in his head mind you, reliving what he missed out on when he was forced to grow up and become responsible all those years by your side.

 

Easy peasy now, no pressures, no responsibility nothing but fun times. He moves back home forgets about work and gets involved with a child practically. But you see a man who has come this far along who chooses to revert back to old patterns is not a man you want to be with. He is not progressive, and when he does wake up and want to pick up where he left off when he took this giant step back he will be lost.

 

Perhaps he has experienced a form of arrested development on some emotional level, and this he will pass on to this girl he is with the cycle continues.

 

That's my layman's take on what could possibly be going on inside this guy's head today. Is it worth anything? Probably not since the outcome is still the same, you are left heartbroken and picking up the peaces. But have comfort in the fact that things will work themselves as they should, both for you and for him. We already went over what the outcome is.

 

You just need to move forward, and once you realize that all the questions you are toying with won't change the past or the present for that matter, then you will close the chapter on this guy for good.

Edited March 19, 2010 by Twenty-ten

[Twenty-ten]

Wow! Twenty-ten, I could have used your advice back in October!!

That advice is spot on.

 

 

Aww but don't think about that now, think that you did it and made it along and you are surviving the heartbreak just fine. And you did it the best way you know how!

[bluz73]

I know when him and I met I was 6 yrs older but I didnt look or act it..I felt I was on his age level..we never had a rocky road during the six years, we got along great, perfect chemistry, I just failed to use his flaws against him and walk away like I should have.

When it was over he didnt say "its over" He didnt have to he just said he went out with someone else and now things didnt feel right with me (guilt) i am assuming. He said he was so sorry over and over and that he knows he is throwing away a great thing...that I am a perfect woman and that I deserve better.. and it will be less stress on me.

He knows he cant measure up or cant try anymore, but I loved him unconditionally for who he was inside.

Now he is stuck in teenage drama, a teen who smokes pot and drinks all weekend and needs him for aplace to live and a car.

It all happened so quickly and I am amazed she is still with him right now its been 6 months!

[bluz73]

I dont understand how within a month of meeting someone...you add them to your car insurance(for an 18 yr old pretty steep) and quote them as your fiance and even pick out baby names and say I love you?? Within 3 months invite her to live at your parents home???????Thats what he did with her and to me it seems to be a man in desparation for someone to just have and thats ok with his continual failures in life.

I prob will never figure this out. But I always hoped someday he would atleast try to make a mends with me..I didnt stab him in the heart and I dont get why he wont even speak to me??

[Twenty-ten]

I know when him and I met I was 6 yrs older but I didnt look or act it..I felt I was on his age level..we never had a rocky road during the six years, we got along great, perfect chemistry, I just failed to use his flaws against him and walk away like I should have.

 

You keep reiterating that you look really young and you were on his level, but that's not the point, how you looked vs him. The point is this:

 

..he went from no college to college..full blown painpill addiction to treatment program...from no job to a manager job...So I was seeing he was changing and my love brought the best out in him then he gotlaid off from his job and met her so now he is back to square one!

 

You clearly weren't on the level because in some way he felt pushed or forced to do all that. So you were eons away from being on the level. When you are on the level these things happen independently of one another but within a relationship. No one partner is the driving force for the other to make significant yet obvious life changes to meet the bare minimum requirements one must meet to have a stable life that's in order. It's one thing if you had been his inspiration to move up in an already stable life, but he was a bit of a mess and you drove him to get his act together. That's very different.

 

Hence this:

 

He knows he cant measure up or cant try anymore, but I loved him unconditionally for who he was inside.

 

He was forced to change for you, and whether he had to change or not because it was time and maturity means that, he associates change to "pressures" from you. So you may think you had a smooth ride but he might not feel that way.

 

 

Now he is stuck in teenage drama, a teen who smokes pot and drinks all weekend and needs him for aplace to live and a car.

It all happened so quickly and I am amazed she is still with him right now its been 6 months!

 

Why did you take on a guy with as many issues as his?

 

At the end of the day we can attach a psychological meaning to all this all we want but the simple fact of the matter is, she happened to cross his path and he wanted to pursue it.

[bluz73]

I really dont know why I was ok with his drug prob/ lack of ambition...but its not like I said you do these changes or it or its over..He wanted to be a better person, He saw good in me and I do believe I inspired him to change.

 

I may or may not ever get the chance to know what was running thru his mind if he ever decides to talk to me. I know now I am better off not having a sick minded freak looking at my daughter thats for sure.

 

As for her crossing his path, well considering her nagging him when he clearly was confused and he felt sorry for her homeless carless butt, I am sure that played a part in this as well, but I certain the love I gave him he will never find in her or anyone. I am the one that got away and I deserve so much better.

I cant help to still care for him and feel sick that he done this to me after all we been thru.

When someone coldly leaves u out of the blue with no communication as to why...you are left stunned and numb for months as it has been 5 months and Im still suffering.

Regardless if he was Mr wrong..we shared an amazing love and he broke my heart. Now he is living happily while I suffer in silence on this dam forums!

[stillafool]

I dont understand how within a month of meeting someone...you add them to your car insurance(for an 18 yr old pretty steep) and quote them as your fiance and even pick out baby names and say I love you?? Within 3 months invite her to live at your parents home???????Thats what he did with her and to me it seems to be a man in desparation for someone to just have and thats ok with his continual failures in life.

I prob will never figure this out. But I always hoped someday he would atleast try to make a mends with me..I didnt stab him in the heart and I dont get why he wont even speak to me??

 

 

Why do you think she is using him? She just might be in love with him. He is helping her because she is young and hasn't started her life yet. She will grow up. Perhaps people thought he was using you also when you started dating and you were helping him. It's the same cycle. Don't be angry at her as he is the one who chose to be with her. The reason he won't talk to you is because he has no explanation other than what he told you which is "it doesn't feel right" and that's his answer.

 

I'm sorry you are hurt but don't let yourself become bitter over this. You have a lot of life to live and an incredible amount to give.

[stillafool]

I really dont know why I was ok with his drug prob/ lack of ambition...but its not like I said you do these changes or it or its over..He wanted to be a better person, He saw good in me and I do believe I inspired him to change.

 

If you felt this way about him at your age you can imagine how this 18 year old views him.

[Ilovecake]

You keep going on about this poor your girl and how young she is and not mature enough to know what she’s doing, and how you feel so bad for her, but if you're 36 and your kid is 19 doesn't that mean you were 17 when you gave birth? Yet you say you turned out OK and have your shizit together. People fall in love at all ages. You really need to stop obsessing about this, you'll drive yourself crazy. It's time to worry about your own kid and not somebody else’s. Just forget about what is going on in their lives. You will never understand how this man and this girl think. It's a horrible blow to the ego to be left for someone young but you need to start letting it go. You know way too much about what is going on in their house; it’s unhealthy for you to be that involved in their lives.

[stillafool]

You know way too much about what is going on in their house; it’s unhealthy for you to be that involved in their lives.

 

 

I agree. Stop snooping on them and their life together. The more you find out the more pain you will experience. Just stop now and let him go.

[bluz73]

I never said I had a kid 19 my son is 16 and I had him when I was 20 which has nothing to do with this story.

When someone walks out of your life with no explanation you would have questions too.

He may have said it didnt feel right but 12 hours before that he was naked in the bed with me declaring his love for me. telling me how he loveed me and wanted to spend his life with me..So to clear it up thats why I am so confused and bitter!

He led me to believe things and I am pissed!

I agree its unhealthy and I dont know whats goin on in their lives anymore this was 2 months ago when she wrote me Thank you

[LovelyDaze]

I never said I had a kid 19 my son is 16 and I had him when I was 20 which has nothing to do with this story.

When someone walks out of your life with no explanation you would have questions too.

He may have said it didnt feel right but 12 hours before that he was naked in the bed with me declaring his love for me. telling me how he loveed me and wanted to spend his life with me..So to clear it up thats why I am so confused and bitter!

He led me to believe things and I am pissed!

I agree its unhealthy and I dont know whats goin on in their lives anymore this was 2 months ago when she wrote me Thank you

 

Hey bluz73 , I am sure the previous members who have posted are giving you their straight honest opinion about your situation. They just want you to heal as fast as you can and not dwell on someone who isn't worth a crumb of your time.

 

I do as well. Just like my ex who did relatively the same thing, I was angry and confused just as much. I got on LS to seek advice and constructive criticism to kick my a$$ to life again. Some said the same things being said to you here. Whatever you do, don't accept another call, text and/or e-mail from either your ex or the new GF...it's keeping you from eliminating them from your life.

 

Trust me, it is HIGHLY possible that your ex will try to come back to you if things get shaky with his new GF. Mine did last year, telling me, "Just say the word and I will tell her it's over!" My logic told me that he is unstable and I refused. It felt so empowering!

 

As posted earlier, be thrilled that you no longer have to deal with this type of person anymore. From what I understand, you two have no kids together, right? Then you are really free of any ties with him. My advise earlier was to basically figure out what pattern of men you always seem to connect with. Recognize it...then break it.

 

I can safely say that at this point, I really don't care if my 30 year old ex is marrying his 18 year old fiancee'. I don't care if he drops her and goes to another 30 year old, a 70 year old, a circus elephant or a grape! All I know is that I DO NOT want him and am sure as the sun that I will never go back to that debacle of a person.

 

When someone hurts you, it is normal to want to analyze and pick it apart to get some kind of understanding. Know that you mourn the man you THOUGHT he was and not who he is.

 

Most likely, they won't last very long. If they don't, his M.O. may to continue to date younger women. She or You won't fit into his plans then. Dumpees assume that the next person their ex dates..will be forever. Not so. LOTS of us go through ex after ex after ex. The new GF may be on LS herself trying to figure out what went wrong with him too!

 

Hang in there...one step at a time. You WILL be happier without him...no doubt about it!

[bluz73]

Thank you loveydaze for understanding my pain. I dont know why I am so obssessed and trying to figure out why anyman of his age would want a teen for a lifelong partner and tossed away a great woman like me or even why I wouldnt be happy not to have such a man even in my life to start with, but I keep imagining him and her happy together laughing for hurting me. The way he ended things is the big killer. One day he loved me then the next day atext of his reasons then 5 mins later "BTW I am changing my number just so you know"...I had no chance to ask questions to get any good reasoning. Complete cut like Im a piece of crap. I found all my answers out thru his friends.

I dont miss him I miss the man I used to love. The one who would have never stabbed me in the heart. The guy I am angry with is a borderline phedophile lowlife bum with nothing to offer me but heartbreak.

I know my self esteem was low when I allowed myself to get involved with him but we both grew as people into making plans for the future and I am assumiing responsibility was too much for him so he rather try to be a teen again and live off his parents and shack up with sum lil girl.

I think if they would just end things I would be estatic and be able to hold my head high, but since the girl is basically trapped with no car or home to go to but his thats likely not going to happen, he got all the control in his hands. Than makes me angry.

I just want to wake up and forget he existed. So I can trust having a man in my life again

[LovelyDaze]

Thank you loveydaze for understanding my pain. I dont know why I am so obssessed and trying to figure out why anyman of his age would want a teen for a lifelong partner and tossed away a great woman like me or even why I wouldnt be happy not to have such a man even in my life to start with, but I keep imagining him and her happy together laughing for hurting me. The way he ended things is the big killer. One day he loved me then the next day atext of his reasons then 5 mins later "BTW I am changing my number just so you know"...I had no chance to ask questions to get any good reasoning. Complete cut like Im a piece of crap. I found all my answers out thru his friends.

I dont miss him I miss the man I used to love. The one who would have never stabbed me in the heart. The guy I am angry with is a borderline phedophile lowlife bum with nothing to offer me but heartbreak.

I know my self esteem was low when I allowed myself to get involved with him but we both grew as people into making plans for the future and I am assumiing responsibility was too much for him so he rather try to be a teen again and live off his parents and shack up with sum lil girl.

I think if they would just end things I would be estatic and be able to hold my head high, but since the girl is basically trapped with no car or home to go to but his thats likely not going to happen, he got all the control in his hands. Than makes me angry.

I just want to wake up and forget he existed. So I can trust having a man in my life again

 

Don't worry, you will come out of with so much great wisdom and you will identify BS like a pro! The next guy that dates you better watch out!

 

I won't lie. Sometimes, I wonder if I shouldn't have brushed my ex off when he asked for another chance. But then I come back to HOW he left. That showed his awful character beyond a shadow of a doubt.

 

For people with no scruples, dignity or maturity, it is easy for them to shut their feelings off and/or change on a dime. It DOES feel strange to know that we could have fallen in love so hard with someone like that. It happens every day as you can tell on LS. A brand new member pops up with their own tale of disillusionment and answers to what happened.

 

I think we are lucky being on LS to have the kind of support with people who are feeling the same way(especially you and I coming from the same situation!). We get insight on what to do and what not to do regarding our healing process.

 

Keep up the good fight. You obviously love yourself more than your ex because you are trying to heal in the best way you can even if it's tough. That's the first sign you're doing it right!

Edited March 21, 2010 by LovelyDaze